Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Autism/Asperger are words for another person


Autism is for another.
Asperger Syndrome is for another.

HIgh functioning autism/asperger syndrome is also for another.

what if...it is for YOU?
what if...at 58 you heard it was all YOURS, for LIFE and from the beginning.
what if...you heard at 58 that YOU are autistic with Asperger Syndrome and yet are high functioning to a degree that given the right environment, many if not all, would never even know.

My Asperger didn't just 'come-upon' me at the age of 58.
I sought it out.
To find out after 58yrs of total incomprehension, utter mis-interpretation and a lot of pain, anguish, hurt and bullying was neat (and expensive)!

You really would want to know a reason behind a lifelong isolation where there was no help or even escape.
You really would want to know if you could change this, for the better or get a far better understanding so that the links you had not had could become 'formed' with experiential knowledge, learning and bravery to go forth with new insight.

Austism too, Asperger Syndrome too had the 'issues' wrapped in other people's mind and formulated a sort of persona that was NOT how you felt but how THEY felt towards you, as a person.

If misunderstood, anyone would want to see changes both from oneself to progress in connectedness but also to share this new insight with those who once thought differently but may see a different meaning in how to perceive a family member with autism spectrum disorders.

High functioning adults, especially women can go all their lifetime without ever knowing they are on the spectrum.
High functioning adults, mostly women can face derision, explusion, ostrocisation and cast aside as mad or bad or both.

The intensity of feelings even for a high functioning woman with autism spectrum disorders can be emotionally draining both for her and for those around.

A person with autism, as i have experienced it, can be so high wired its exhausting.
a person like myself loves everything and hates all.

I find that being misunderstood the hardest to face and always have.
You want to be loved, to belong and to be part of others' lives.
it didn't happen for me, but it is now, kinda.
yet, mistakes are often made and it is not that easy for an autistic person to change their dynamic to suit a neurotypical.
we can try and we do, but why is it that we have to do all the changing on this one?

Is it time to reflect then on who a person is?
i mean, do we not consider others more gently if they didn't have autism?
Can we accept for instance, a person who is crazy and extrovert with a great social connect and who has many friends but is irresponsible and lazy and not grounded?
Do you accept that person for his/her fun and spirit and with no tarnish of a psychological nature or mental illness definition?

There is no tarnish of a psychological kink or mental illness for those with autism spectrum disorders either.

its quite amazing on some levels to be so in tune with all things, feelings so intense that joy can be found in minutae rather than a larger bigger picture.
You can find joy in a sunrise and having breakfast in a shed sitting alone in a tiny piece of heaven.
Living alone is not for the faint hearted.
Being alone so constantly is a fear too awful and i feel it.
But aloneness in beauty and having that 'spirit joy' that is utter bliss is not everyones morning cha.

It was like that as a child.
The very reason i got into trouble and still do.
The blousy vibrancy of expression got to far too many and i exhausted them.
the blousy enthusiasm to share my joy of the bugs, bees and creepy crawlies in the garden outside, was a tad bit overbearing.

I can giggle now at it all.
It must have been a weary load for the siblings.
Belting around like a wired up bouncy doll of an individual drunk on nature, wildness and pure delight was not of a child growing in a fashion for a mother - post war, who would rather see me demure and silent.
I was 'odd.'
But then of course this can change so readily, for the world is not that easy on 'difference'.
What if all goes pear-shaped when you too have to realize its not going to be this way forever?
YOU had always wanted to belong.  The day would have to come when you realized you didn't.
That's the hard bit.
It hit very hard indeed.  I guess it would when your little world turned into having to be a adult now and you couldn't do that in an acceptable fashion.
You see, if people had not tried so hard to darn well tell me I had to be very different to the way i was then, maybe a good few decades of hell on earth would never have happened.
it would also be useful to aid a person who is severely deafened from birth by giving them hearing aids, to get through school and academia, that too, may have helped me in my communication deficits.  So i am supposed to be a successful autistic human being at communication par excellence when deaf as a door post?
That my friends is the educated sensible start to allowing a child with autism cope to some degree no matter how small.

It was not the age of enlightenment for sure.
But so be it, it can have a casting, lasting effect on perception throughout and its this that is the hardest to surmount.
Not the blasted autism traits.

There is no harm in autism traits.
i am ok with them, very ok.
Emotion is a good thing, if i am overly so, well i am overly so.
but bending my ways is not going to make me less so.
Bullying will bring out my extreme reactionary ways for those who are personally extreme with autism or asperger syndrome attributes, we react through profound hurt.
many may laugh it off - not so a high functioning autistic adult, especially a woman who is told she is bloody neurotic and mad.
I like the quirks of self.  They are fun and pretty harmless.  
I laugh an awful lot and have a wicked sense of humour and can quip and snark really well so i can.
I can be loud brash and bouyant.
I am ok about that.
I can love the world, the good earth that is.
The soil, the land, the flowers and dirt.
i can love it with a wild intensity you would be jealous of.
i do not love hurt and pain, i see too much of that.
if i could i would wipe it from all who suffer but i cannot do that.
but why if you are a neurotypical and proud of it, would you want to be so fffing hurtful to an aspie who feels too much and hurts already to pile on the hurt with such crass unthinking, unfeeling abandon?

If you meet this Asperger woman in her wheelchair, don't add to the patronizing shit of giving that 'smile' for being in the wheelchair with another type of shit of 'oops, there goes the mad one in her wheelchair.'
If these words resonate badly, i say they should.
i am a human being who is different and disabled.
i am not so different and disabled that i have not the feelings of a person who isn't.

i stand and sit as a human being first, trying to be human and ending very human at the end - very dead.

So if you see me remember - there are children out there beginning the way i did.
make sure you don't give them hell for being something who they are and not someone they will never be.

Make sure though that handling a child with an autism spectrum disorder does take intelligence and some thought.
A child with autism should not be allowed run riot over the world, its bad for him/her and terrible for all to see, witness and then go on to blame a harmless, unknowing kid who is only doing what comes naturally to them.
Like all children they too have to be brought up and nurtured.

It can go badly wrong if the parents and society do not have intelligence to match the learning and the resources that are now out there at a tap.
it wasn't so, post war, which brought its own war for myself.
don't allow it happen another.

And while i end this missive I would like certain medical people to know that
some of you are most definitely autistic.
So, you are in good company.
Thankfully some of your methods I never learnt and am grateful.
I don't take kindly to arrogant, spoilt and brainy autistic professionals.
I believe you behave badly.
i believe all whether autistic or not can behave well and humanely.
Therefore do the right thing.
Be nice to me and i will be nice back.

Push your luck and you will get as good as you give.
i am unerring in the arrows i fling and it hits a target like none other.
Alas, there is also 'hell has  no fury like a woman scorned'.  SO normal! So watch it.

Thats my excuse and i am sticking to it.