Thursday, October 13, 2016

Haunted by trauma - feels like this...

Name it as abuse - all of it:
  • name calling
  • verbal abuse
  • withdrawal of care
  • denial of care
  • poor appliances 
  • broken bones
  • interference
  • denial
  • psychological torture
  • mental pain
  • physical damage
  • exhaustion
  • breakdown

how does Trauma feel?
is it different to all other events in life?

is it different to beoming ill?
to moving home?
to being physically attacked?

only really the last could be equal.

its a cause and effect, YOU are ATTACKED.

YOU are being bullied, hurt, denegrated, denied and made feel worthless.
you are very sick and doing two things ONLY.

you are trying to live the best way you can for the time that is left to you.
you are trying to get help to live the best way you can for the time that is left to you.

but nothing prepared me for Attack because of the benign wish for peace and care and some concern.
nothing prepared me for the lynch mob.

Trauma never leaves.
especially if you already have known frontal lobe brain atrophy, possibly there since birth and the damage done from Congenital Rubella Syndrome.
for my personality per se has never changed, but the damage of my brain makes me more susceptable to changes in my life style, hurt and distress.
its the part of the brain that processes emotion and therefore reactions and aslo allows us process and filter distress and pain.
it has a purpose to allow a person live, so that distress can actually be processed and you can then move forward.
otherwise the world would be impossible to live in, for all people.

if you do not 'let go of bad times, and traumatic times.'  you are in deep shit to be honest.

so when a person has suffered deep enough trauma and has frontal lobe brain damage seen on a brain scan we know we are heading into very difficult and hard times.
- to basically repair and get through trauma and out the other side intact.

non possible my friends, non possible.

you do NOT recover from Trauma at the best of times, or the worst of times.
you process it and live on and all the time the trauma has caused a shift in your thinking.

for those of us who find it impossible to go beyond a word as 'incredulous' that is those of us who cannot process it, who have it there front faced trauma daily and nightly and it will not go away you are left facing a very big wall or tv screen with everything written on that board.
the marks are set and the tv now has no hand control. its stuck on Trauma.

If i could say to the HSE this, that the damage caused will NEVER leave me now, its a damning statement because they have caused this to happen.
Damage done to brain damaged individuals is a life time shift.
nothing can be done to undo the harm, it can be helped and lessened by making sure no further damage is done.
it can be helped by constant cushioning of hurt and pain and acknowledgement that what has happened was wrong.
many find it helps some to know the perpertrator has regrets.
unless the victims actually FEELS this, the regret can be voiced but may never be felt as genuine.

True mending means, its never up to a victim to redress a balance here.
its entirely up to the abuser.
in my case THE HSE.

they have the tools to do mostly what they want to make it better.
they have their own policies which state clearly how they personally will respond to abuse and also their mandate to care is clear.
most of their policies are guidelines to best practise not abuse and definitely not policy around hiding abuse and running from abuse.

in all policies factors of how to deal with vulnerable people and abuse are defined and very clear.
you report it, you sort it.

you do not bring in the heavies of legalese to defend it, which is mostly what the HSE have done to date.
you cannot defend the wrongs done over a full decade.
you have to pick your way through to make all the wrongs into a final right.

you have made and allowed a person to suffer such trauma that they have lost a valuable ten years of living well and peacefully and calmly.
when you take that away from anyone, its never going to come back to be relived.

what remains is deepened fall-out in brokeness, disbelief and suffering and a sense of 'why?'
and the 'Why did it happen,?" actually haunts a victim of the HSE.

and also 'how could it?'  because we were brought up with the idea that the medical and healthcare professionals were caring.
if the opposite is true, then how can you heal a terrible wrong to a perception by a sick person that in sickness she will be helped?
how can you actually mend a person who has discovered this ideal is far from reality and has lived a life of ten years in harrowing circumstances, unable to defend, to move forward, and to live in susteained horrors and pain and anquish?

to wake daily - still haunted by them is going to be hard to eradicated.
once i woke to the ideas of the studio and the paintings i was doing and a working plan for my day there and in my environment.
now its the wrangle of waking frettfully thinking of HSE, damage, fall out and all the individual s who inflicted harm.
i get it in flash backs every morning i wake.
all the people who haunt me so.
come to me then, what i have to do for the day to work with them to mend.
what i will do today will be filling out my medical details for more doctors and also returning a letter to the hse regarding my situation as mandated as we thrall through a mediation process to bring about change for a better way forward.

inching forward is snaking through the morass of hurt.
inching forward cannot be a congratulating experience because its proving traumatic in itself.
the genuiness of contritution is yet to be felt much within me.

Anyone can say they acknowlege harm has been done.
it takes an honourable organisation to be magnanimous in how they help a person heal from the trauma so inflicted on them by their own.
it has to happen swiftly and in a far better attitudinal stance of complete and utter turnaround.
that the victim is upheld in truth.
that the named trauma now named as such and acknowledged will indeed be rectified.

upon rectaficaton that trust is build on a solid ground and not further messed up as so many accounts of such gone before me accounts and details of promises extracted almost like a tooth extraction and then to be found that they are trying to put the rotten teeth back in by force.

this cannot happen two women lanquishing and waiting for the action to begin - where both can live as they always had needed to and yearned to and tried to.
stopping a person from living is a human rights violation.
pure and simple they had decided over and above others, and themselves what they did to us.

it was a decision.
when things go so wrong then you put it right.
this is what its all about at the end of the day.

changing hurt to happiness, but it has to be done in swift measures so that time lost is no more and decency prevails and seen to prevail.
heal the hurt.

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