Monday, July 25, 2011

Learning Curves very Curvy

It was a seriously bad few days, but hopefully my best friend and dear sis is feeling a bit calmer and settled.
tis good she is away from me right now.  we have both needed this indeed.
it was a case of clashing titans really.  we are great when we both feel the responsibility is off each other - for each other.
i feel that but cannot say if my twin feels this too. but i guess we both yearn to be what we always were for so long - individuals in our own right.
this is what every single person wishes and even if you dont wish it, time will always make you what you are.
Living is the process of getting to understand yourself, your environment, what suits you best and what defo doesnt.
it is also a process in understanding what being human is, who you want to help along the way, what groups of people you have a deep desire to assist in life, even in little ways.
For my twin is those who have been sexually abused by Clergy, especially Adults who are a specific vulnerable group to which Law does not really help due to this 'age of consent' cut off.
In my case i have loved the elderly.
I have always felt that special need, burning need to ease the suffering i have seen in the elderly.
I see their vulnerability and i love to make them laugh and make them feel that they are 'special' and really they are for they carry the history and knowledge of the process and they in turn help the next generation and the next.
we deny this wonderful group of people the right to express experience which enhances their lives and yours also.
I never cease to be amazed at how stoical elderly people are, but then what choice have they?
many times i feel maybe i misread this as in reality it could be 'giving up' and 'sitting it out' to the day they lie down for the final time.
We do abuse the elderly.
we defo do.
they are so precious and they always have been to me.
I remember little dumpy Annie.  Ah for the Love of  Annie i would have moved mountains.
a nervy woman who brought up four boys in two bedrooms, one being her own and her husband, with a tiny gally kitchen and no bathroom whatsover and no running hot water whatsover and only an open fire for heat.
she who was worried each Christmas to get the plum pudding right.
it was massive, tied up in a big cheese cloth it was a large ball.
when it came for the pud to be placed on the plate all four boys would be summoned home for the task and they did the job well but with Annie dancing on tiny plump feet and shouting and wailing for the pudding's life as a complete ball of fruit!
The horror being if it 'fell away!'
It never did in all the time i knew her.
Annie left the door open and I used to take a break from my work as a graphic artist mid morning, shut my door (never locking it either) and run across the road to shriek up "have you got the kettle on?'
" Oh yes Ann come on up, tis on!'
we sat and she fussed and nerved about everything and i calmed her and reassured her.
everything was a delight to do for My Annie.
she was MY Annie, and always will be.
she loved you.  she just did.
she felt you precious too and used to try get me married off!
it was her burning desire to have me married, and it was my burning desire not to comply with her wishes!
it was part of the charm and fun of knowing my Annie.
But all people to me serve their time in my existence for very good reason.
I have a personality and soul and character that I do love people without a doubt but something inside of me wants to be mostly alone and free of people.
it has to be that way to stay the little bit connected in the first place.
its about the balance being kilted in the favour of silence and solitude rather than to communication and socially expert and experienced.
i spin so easily if my personal balance is not achieved.
why?  i will never know.
but this is the case.
If there are too many people in my life i become miserable and profoundly distressed.
i cannot cope with it.  Armageddon then arrives, we have what i call blow out, everything goes white! Like a 'blown' photograph, over exposed.
today the balance was right i feel.
 A coffee with Magda, a bit of the charity shops too, a bit of a laugh.
then it was to be with twin in that loving space to talk quietly and lie next to her on the bed resting and connecting so that both of us can continue in lifes path.
you do feel the better of the relationship if taken in bite size pieces and you are not left in a turvy.
we also sat on the swingseat and my twin admired the patch and said she loved being there, and told me i had created some thing special here.
what more could you want.
all things today were a happy mix of differences, Saffi played outside when i went on a dervish of a gardening spree for about two hours, who was in a heaven, i was.
its plucking weeds heaven!
then all going to bed in peace, feeling that resolution of the bigger dramas and life events will come about.
i hope my twin left with the saying she brought home to me last time
 "all shall
 be Well, And All Shall
 be Well, And All Manner
 of Thing
 shall be Well."  (Mother Julian of Norwich)

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