i woke long before 6am with extreme pain in my arms, my elbows, wrists and hands.
I let the chihuahuas out for a piddle.
I thought of the day ahead.
All i had to do.
Most of it regarding health and housing.
I am to meet a HSE official.
when my twin spoke at a social work conference as a group of enthusiastic health workers gathered to change the ethos of what it means to be in the Health Care System.
Most of them of course were social workers.
they were kind, intelligent and put it to us straight.
they Socked it.
A lecturer for Liverpool University told us clearly and plainly that there was NO NEED for the austerity measures now taking place.
How he explained it was through statistical analysis of both Ireland, the UK and the EU>
It has to be said, i was convinced.
We do have the money to spend on HEALTH but Europe, possibly Angel Merkel has decided where money should go and how it should get there.
it should go to maybe arms, money deposits and storing it.
but not spending it on Health.
Your health and mine.
so it is too expensive for a powered wheelchair for a sick person.
it is seemingly not.
the money give to health spending is going down all the time.
i have to wonder why?
is it so that after your good explosive healthy young life of economic productivity to your country then you should bail out by government decree of euthanasia and you are no more worth it than a piece of dirt.
the way you die depends on yourself, your family and of course the health service of the day.
it will be by decree and not by personal choice.
you will surely be 'outted' if you get sick or disabled.
you are not worth the money they spend on you.
we are as Hitler had said 'the money eaters.'
We have a growing fascism arising now from the ashes.
as more and more vulnerable and poor people rebel against austerity, start blaming the person in the wheelchair who has got the social housing unit.
the Pakistani who manages to do well in a small local supermarket.
the Filipinos who work our hospital and are resented by the local nurses who understand that they are 'taking our jobs'
all this causing a rising of anger and its all caused by the division of wealth.
when we run a country based on money alone we have a dangerous policy of causing people to forget that they are actually - human.
and to be human is to retain another part of their being.
it isn't much use to anyone if a single person accrues money for paying taxes and spending on themselves but then forgets all else.
they too will be unhappy for they too will find that the ingredient most wanted is and wait for it....love.
Love cannot be bought.
but we had been told this since children.
it simply cannot.
we have to unit in a bond with another.
we have also to give and to share.
and we have to use the term in its fullest meaning.
we have to Love enough to care enough to forgive, forget and to embrace.
I was invited to meet a little man born to my adored 'Irish Wheelchair Assoc. helper Magda, whom i adore.
remember too, that when you fall into the heap of despair, illness or tragedy that the only thing, the only ideal that will lift you out of it is another looking you in the eye and making that statement that they will be there for you as long as you need them.
both then receive.
one receives strength to try and regain his or her feet and the other possibly gets all the gains, for they then feel that not only have they helped, but they feel a better human being and can move on and forward with immense sort of joy and pride.
i woke at 6 in pain. for yesterday i dug for Ireland.
belting out pain and anguish on my garden and creating i hope a masterpiece.
i use a mattock i think its called. a big heavy thing.
whacking wood, whacked hardened soil.
whacking and squishing up my lips in effort, still dressed in my jammies and with my wrists and ankles braced up.
it was not that useful to me, all the strapping.
i remained in agony last night, from the neck down.
the arms, the muscles screaming.
the elbows and wrists, screaming.
the palms of my hands hurting and on fire, so much so that i could hardly hold a cup.
i have muscle wasting and very visible muscle wasting.
i should not be whacking anything.
the day i saw how much the muscles had gone down was a shock. taken a year ago, and the muscles have wasted further.
but i was in pain.
thinking of the tiger who came back to meet and embrace those who took him out of a Harold's, holdall i cried.
It was the love you see.
a tiger cannot offer anything to a human in terms of economic improvement, indeed he is dependent and gives no services back to the giver other than, yep, love.
he didn't forget.
you do not forget love.
meeting my newly born great niece, she is beautiful.
I am thinking of my family but most of all the trauma of the years just past i wake thinking of the HSE.
again, yet again it was the HSE.
i woke to the tune of the distaste in my mouth of the hse and the depression of knowing that i meet one of them today.
None by the way have ever been anything but nice to me.
but they have er, budgetary constraints.
the worker on the ground has to deliver me news of how the austerity has made them reign in their services and cause us misery.
it cannot be nice for them.
but certainly as an Irish person i have no where to protest because no one will really listen will they.
i need a powered chair, and a proper one, a good one and a comfortable one.
we have to fight for this my friends and having given back a scooter to try and appease the gods of management who require the evidence of their cost cutting plan i await the return of kindness as my gesture meant one thing only.
i cannot take the HSE and their present tactics any longer.
i need a meeting of minds that i will, be cared for and 'well'
that i will be considered 'human' and 'cared for well.'
Can I be provided for at the end of my life.
not fearing them, hating them and dreaming of them through trauma.
not going to therapy and working through trauma instigated by the hse.
all the trauma i am presently trying to come to terms with in therapy is the trauma of the loss of family and what the HSE has done to me.
both of these are the cause of pain for me.
its the cause of me banging dirt with arms that should not, can not and are unable for hitting the ground with mattocks.
the reason being i am starved of kindness and love.
i am a dislocated individual without another.
A rare visit from a great nephew and niece gives me the space to 'look outside the box' and enjoy an encounter i will remember for a very long time.
there is no one.
there isn't the person who will pick up the phone and ask how i am.
it never happens.
tell me please if you read this post how could you live through a life with absolutely no one in it?
well i have.
all of it.
decades of it.
i had for love a dog.
the tiger in my life.
but i am looking for the human tiger.
the one who sees through all of this.
who will come forward and reward another for the ability of the other to offer more than money.
this is my tiger, she gives to me, and she gives to many. She is my love giver and can offer nothing but this to me, the state or to another human being.
i have no money.
but can and would and could offer far more to humanity than money.
Lets say I am behind the bushes in Africa waiting for the tiger to come and find me, recognise me as the person who saved them as a tiny animal in a cage and will come out and greet and meet and pad the face with huge paws.
if you read this and are a HSE official recognise the words i write and what you have done to me.
If you are a government official recognise that its not only me you have injured by your policies of cost cutting, cost savings and austerity measures.
if it is family, recognise that i need you.
if it is friends, and others remember if you are down on your knees in despair, you will know only too well that you would look to the stronger to help you gain strength.
i am down on my knees looking for the stronger to help me gain strength.