Tuesday, March 31, 2015

a bad day in the setting of a village turned town

who could blame me in hating where i live?
I do hate it.

this was to be the last and final resting place for myself and my twin sister.

but it isnt going to be, for me anyway.

i think after all this time which is five years, its been loathesome from the beginning til now with very little let up.
when i say from 'village to town' i mean that, in the context of the irish village to town.

i was virtually lynched.
my poor twin had to withness this and watch it, feeling helpless and rather guilty, but she had no reason to feel this, but she sure was left feeling helpless and dragged down by it all.

does anyone understand how it feels to feel afraid to go into one's own magnificent garden that you bought, nurtured and created?
i do.
does anyone understand how it feels to walk a couple hundred metres and wonder who my neighbours are, what they think when they see me and for what reasons?
i do.
so does my twin.

if others say 'what matters what people say.'
well it does to me, because i am sensitive and i have had a poor life living in high low self confidence and self esteem.
but before i came to this village, i was high on self esteem and confidence.
i had trancended difficulties that many wouldnt even have to attempt to surmount.
i did it and was tremendously pleased with myself.
until i came to this village which ripped my soul asunder.
when i say this village has nearly destroyed me, i say this with my hand on my heart and i am not the only one who can vouch for this, apart from my twin many can vouch for it.

i want out.
and i want out fast.
meaning asap i need to get back to kindness and care and something of comfort, a town i can feel part of and feel lifted up not constantly put down and put upon.

i wish i could be more explicit but right now i cannot.
because i still have to live here.
i have promised those who live in this town i will tell them why i feel the way i do when i leave.

but before i do i want to tell both the townspeople, and many others, enter this parish at your peril.
remember they will inspect you instantly and ask questions later.
they could label you immediately without finding out whether they are right or wrong about it, i mean now of the defamation kind.
there are rules here like none other, certainly i hit 59yrs of life without ever thinking this sort of thing existed.
they can tell you five years later, actually there is no policy for what we did there, (HSE).
and there is no solution to it becuase no one feels its worth solving, not for them anyway but it doesnt care whether i feel its worth it, which i do.
one of the first thing i wish i could do is rip down the bloody notice at the entry to this village, that of 'the best place to live in 2008'
do they not realise its 2015 and certainly things have changed for my experience is anything but offering flavour of the month or year here, because its been the exact opposite.
anyone been afraid of facing the mainstreet unless absolutely necessary, eg going to bank or getting pension.

as for the doctor i have now, two visits and my first that would accept me here after four years is another example of well pretty horrid i have to say.
this was withnessed as i brought someone with me.
and it continues.
what people find so delightful here is anyones guess because as an educated person who has lived all sorts of lives, i see nothing polished and good about it.
to me its a nasty little hub, maybe terrific for some, but how long do you have to be here before it is?
five years seems a lifetime and its not getting much better in fact for me its become more and more unbearable.
how i ask for help to get out is also another thing.
how do i?
and would could.
would anyone be at all interested?
i doubt it

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