happy land - is it?

i have not posted in a long while.

this is called tiredness

i guess just very tired.

trying to sort messes isn't easy and its tiring.
trying to live in a mess is tiring.

the biggest exhausting issue i have remains living in Happy land, Ireland (huh?) with a disability.

the same, the same the same yawn yawn yawn and more like tears, tears and more tears and a major sleep disorder....i am not sleeping.

the lack of sleep is due to profound distress.
try it.
waking each day thinking of the HSE.

yes, this has been said before.
and its more of the same again, over and over.

what really astonishes me is that no one in Ireland is good at resolving complex issues, or any issues for that manner.
they just grow, like a septic boil, they grow.
nothing actually gets done here.

because certainly it takes forever to solve problems.
emails amount in their thousands.
letters almost the same, certainly the same amount of pages.
phone calls are double the first and second of above.
engagement with HSE officials rank in the hundreds.
engagements with departmental officials and departments rang in the hundreds.
ringing, emailing, letter sending to td's councillors and senators, also mount up to hundreds.
you can cite the websites as much as you like, because i have been through them all.
there are policies and procedures coming out of your ears, none are adhered to and its all a gloss over - nothing, nothing happens here.

we do have policies, we do have guidelines, we do have projections and prospectives and agendas, we have all that but they get lost in the melee of er, nothing.
nothing happens, nothing gets done, nothing gets followed.

you can find a place where you are exonerated, but you cannot find out how to get exonerated!
you can find anything but it leads er, nowhere.

what is rotten about Ireland
with not alot changed since this image was taken

we are talking of Ireland and we are talking about justice, health, equality, disability, ageism and economics.
we are talking about a crooked bent country hell bent on putting it out there we are a fab happy land with happy landers.
we are anything but.
the only good thing about Ireland is its beauty and its people, if you can over ride the undercurrent of deviousness and lack of willingness to engage in a purposeful manner in all things that need er, solving.
but we laugh, we drink and we have green lands.
lots of it.
we will be celebrating winning soon, that is winning our country from oppression.
we are inviting the oppressor to a fine multimillion slap up lavish celebration.
but we are now losing the country on a grand scale possibly even grander than when we first took hold of it, when we won it.

there are people here who actually see what is happening.
what matters though is, there are people here who actually see what is happening and say, er nothing...nothing happens see...in happy land.

there is this laid back, in case.
in case i get the sack.
in case i am disliked (not that is a biggie in the Irish context of things)
in case i get rubbished, or far worse.
but what could be worse than being honest?

why do people in Ireland not say it as it is.
well i will tell you why - its oppression.

the fact that people remain silent is because there is a backlash to goodness.
its called oppression.
we have known it before now we are doing it to our own.
there are good people there, but if you say, squeak about wrongdoing you are crushed.

we have a bloody inferiority complex that the outside (rest of the world, if they even know where we are in the world) should not know how corrupt we are.
well they DO, they are getting to know and what more, we are not getting better, we are getting better at being corrupt.

but for me, at 62yrs at the end of my life and i didn't have a life, not one that any would recognise as one, i am tired.
all i want is to see if it possible that i enjoy a decade out of my life of plenty of misery.
i don't think this is asking too much.

sitting, waiting, dreading returning home.

but to achieve this would only occur if i took the greatest leap ever and got out of the country altogether.
because i am not convinced that the ways of the Irish can ever become so level that all will have an equal chance to an equal level of happiness and quality.

waiting for the train to arrive

i do not believe in Ireland anymore.
i believe we don't own it, don't seem to want to own it and do not own the way we do business, the crooked way we do business.
this includes our ways of dealing with health.
its becoming like the economy.
fast bucks for Nada.

we do not seem to care and i am feeling all and every bit of this.
i also feel abused, neglected, harassed to death by the health care services.

when i leave wicklow and believe me i will, i will be hard pressed to feel able to take anyone down here again even to get a glimpse at its beauty.
i feel very betrayed by wicklow.
i invested my life in wicklow and certainly i got more than my fair share of utter grief.
its been so appalling words fail me.
but i have had Pm's on face book, that many times dreaded medium telling me that my feelings are their feelings, exactly.

meanwhile i am tired.
we are making so little progress here.
and i am still going through hell on earth, with the hse.