Sunday, August 21, 2011

When the Bees sting - when Cancers take over - when all is but a space for possibilities

I think for many, listening to the voices within and without about how one conducts oneself in life can be very hard indeed.

sometimes it takes a tumble to settled us down on that seat from which one can see more clearly and calmly.
its that time of quiet that a person can sift through chaos and despair and find some interesting clues and possibilities for way outs of despair.
Always the answer is within the self.
But not always the answer is entirely UP to the SELF.
the answer being a committed collaboration of committed kind people.
a bit of give and take,
a bit of holding back and plenty of boundaries and careful footsteps.

I would like to say that if a person in chaos admits that behaviours and presentations have been too strong for most to take and understand, it is not a 'given' to say "i told you so" and "well now, what are you going to do to change your ways?"
it is not about that.
certainly changing ways is the best way forward.
but changing ways means too that others must do similar so that the situation does not decent to the gutter again as it had before.
its as always collaboration.
one admits the faults and the others take stock and see how the faults occurred. the sick person is needy and also a kind sick person so the others must sit calmly and say "what on earth would make it better for her, even if only a small thing?"
for a person to be shattered to the bone, so much so that health is compromised with continuous hospitalizations one has to think that this isn't entirely about changing ways of behaviours.
it has to be about changing structures of care, relationships and understanding.
always in life, when we have a war on our hands, or in our lives, mediation of outside forces, intervention and 'clean up' are all expected from a idealist world that it has to be better than it was.
the 'clean up' should begin i hope.
lets hope that the junta is ready and that the foot soldiers are all fit and healthy to help clean the land-mines amidst the unfortunate who never wanted it this way.
No do not say - well, you now see your behaviour was in vain.
it wasn't.  it was a way of trying to deal with something with so many limits it was absolutely impossible to surmount.
the rage within was a consequence and the result was the behaviour seen.
this is not about 'i told you so.'
this is about perspective of all.
one is sick and tried.
others are maybe sick, did not try.  Did not try at all, it has to be said.
the ones who blamed and shredded and did not try cannot be smug now at what has happened.
what this has done was driven an individual to the base of rock despair with few choices, little help and absolutely no understanding whatsoever.

the sick woman will try.
she will also be a person now intent on personal integrity and a personal life to preserve sanity for self this time.
to preserve energy for self.
the individual life at the end is not going to be sacrificed for the many who chose not to be a committed traveller on a long road, which from now on will not be an easy one.
if by the short first bend a person looks right and sees the sick one, takes the hand in guiding together down that windy path so be it.
if that does not happen, it will not be up to the sick one to remain committed to a group situation where she is ostracized and castigated all for the sake of personal convenience of selfishness.
i, as the sick one will take personal responsibility for strong and childish behaviours, all based in exhaustion and despair, all based from a standpoint of little ability to do what was asked of me.
this responsibility i shall attain and work to hold from here on in.
but in doing this, things will change.
no longer will the use of this person as the scapegoat will tolerated.
each individual on the map of a small localized family group will have to judge concience and see if they had a roll to play in the disintegration of the confidence within a very sick person.
No one should be asked to sit plonk and told to shift arse on attitude when none are prepared to assist in change.
attitude, behaviours, loves, likes and comittments take actually a lot of COMITTMENT.
no one becomes exhausted for no reason.
no one would wish it that some take more of the responsibiiity than others.
no one would wish it for themselves.
so ditto amongst the human clan.
i shall commit to change and try the tolerance stake.
but i will commit to others only as far as my integrity stays intact and my life is respected and is within the bounds that can be a peaceful life with no overdue burdens of responsibility.
I wil take up the poison challenge to try correct the wrongs.
but i will take it up knowing the base for the past few years and never relinguish my belief base on this.
i will admit its been hard for others to face Awynah with her careering disability to manage stress.
but stress it was, and most uncalled for, unwarranted and unneeded.
all was and could have been avoided.
many now will have to look at Awnyah and see that she cannot be expected to fill rolls she is unable to fill.
she is but one single fly on the leaf.
so for this midget to cope will the bees stop buzzing around and stinging so hard.
will the bees start making honey to get us through the winter months.
i want my honey on my toast, by the fire with the other midgets in my life.
but no fecking bloody wasps a-ganging up on a single celled eggit please.
get off ye bugs and change and metamophasize into an agreeable beasty for all to enjoy and relish at the side of the coal grate, this coming winter and many winters ahead.
all cosy by the hearth of life please, with no more biting, bitching and blaming.
just lets all see what can be done for the change that is upon us.
i rest my case.
my prayers are done and dusted.
lets say too my friends i met another on this path here in a small place.
as taking the air for a walk with sticks i met a woman with a smile and a shock of ginger hair.
she is in my friends, knowingly, that her cancer is spreading through her body like wildfire.
and she could only say to me, we never know, but all we can do is live the next day.
who could disagree with this i ask.
who has it in their charge that one must live better than another when all have the capacity to help each other live better than at present or in the past.
jus help each other along this way.
the cancer is not far behind for all.
i am not sitting on that wall with the shock of ginger facing the horror of the next few months.
may God keep that beautiful woman safe in his arms as she faces this trauma.
i am gutted to have met a woman in so much fears for surely she must.
please help us all face these sort of things.
all the best from a weary woman.
and she is a good woman to boot.

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