Thursday, August 18, 2011

the balance of 'love' 1

Lying in my hospital bed yesterday i was down in spirit and feeling a rather dollop of self pity i am afraid.
I suppose given the circumstances many would be too.
i traversed the brain of memories to path my life in sort of slow and yet quantum leaps.
many questions struck me as the tears dripped away to dampen the pillows.
"what was the difference between my self and my twin?"
"What is the difference in 'cause and effect?"
"what sort of personality does it take for damage"
"what relationshiop does genetics play in damage both physcial and psychological"
deep questions you may think...we'll many have also said that i do think too much, too deeply and not for my own good.
we have heard all this before then!
When science looks at Twins they see a DNA match and start to look at these things, nature and nurture.
when my twin and i were growing up i only looked at part of this, the difference in our different way of viewing the world.
I thought my twin had a different personality but was it now more like it if i say she had a different way of dealing with a same personality and in chosing a different way has indeed developed into a different 'type of difference'
maybe we started from the same vantage point - frightened kiddies and frightened from the very onset of birth.
was it that one may have been slightly more than volitile to begin with and so took the volatile route and the other more sedentary and compensatory and took the quiet in the corner route, but the genesis was the same, brain damaged terror?
It does not appear to have been the case that my twin became more terrified as time went on, nor that i was just instantly terrified as soon as i hit humans!
also the fact that my twin has a poorly define childhood memory may be a reason why she chose the quiet route and her presentations were dumbed down as such.
maybe because i had a different side of the brain working (as i believe can occur in 'mirror twins,' which we are, one being left handed and the other right), i was visual and alert and became very honed to the visual and took great delight in the colour of life and all things around me.
my twin took delight in the stories she read growing up, marvelling at the delights within the written language.
These are all sensorial.  but none of the auditory senses, for music was not the stuff of our lives as being a significant mover of emotions in any shape or form.
If it was to be the school curriculum may have spurred us on to appreciate music yet it didnt, i never understood the classical and always found it hard to grasp as i did poetry, neither nuance caused a stirr.
my twins path was the sedentary and literal, mine the visual and active.
so with the terror, in my case of people i struck a path of terror within my way of being, frenzied and like wise excitability, i loved life to the core.  i also wanted to bring it to others that were around me but my excability was struck down too often than i care to remember.
my twin must have felt a 'no competition' feel in a verbose twin and her alienation from someone she didnt understand either.
she possibly stuck in her hell in the corner and i stuck in my hell very much out of the corner, running wildly around for solace and then belting to twin for further solace at every turn.
the solace and attempting calm at the frenzy within.
it was not reached.
Comparisons then set in mega.
"why cannot you stay still like Mags?"
"why can you not be good like Mags?"
and so with a slowly disintegrating family structure anyway we see the beginnings of a 'picked upon,' the bullied and the one used as the scapegoat.
who wanted a wild thing amidst a competing family of six where there were few perks of material or financial kind, hardly a decent meal on the table nor warmth in souls, body or otherwise, and within a family seeing the cracks of the strain all were now beginning to suffer not so much on the power of the 'twins' but there was endangerment in our lives, all of our lives, to ike out the love that was so sparingly available.
and for one who was the 'wild thing' apparently demanding such attention she had to be crushed at all costs.
further bullying and comparison probably convinced the twin that her stratedgy worked, that is to obtain the 'love in approval' that was so needed in all growing animals and especially in a brain that wasnt overjoyed in being amongst humans anyway.
twin must have realised quickly that silence, a turning away from society help eased the personal terrors but also must have soon realised that this very action then was considered the more exemplary of the two character traits between gentleness and abrasiveness.
then as my twin grew older she started to see in effect the one that was displaying need for the love so badly needed was causing her problems in getting her half share!
she became resentful of the difference.
and also the tranferal of neediness to her from me which she felt she did not need nor could she cope or provide.
she didnt want to be my 'mother!'
she rebelled to find the space she needed.
she must have felt the family was a lost cause and bailed out.
but she did too, because of academic underachievement.
Just like myself, i too a severe underachiever within an intelligent family yearned for adoration for what we could do, rather than what we could not.
so began the trail and trials for individuals trying to become individual and more so 'liked/loved' for how wonderful we are, as each human actually is, this 'how wonderful we are' was not to be over and above everyone else but equal to everyone, in the love stakes.
the freedom from one sort of claustrophobia gave way to a nurturing of self independence, especially away from people for my twin.
in my own life i never separated from trauma to such a degree, one would have to separate when leaving a country of origin with little reserve and at a very young age.
dynamics changed.  concentration changed.
by the fact of twin leaving  she changed her direction of concentration whilst i pretty much never had that distraction.
i played the unbroken record which never delivered and never realising it wouldnt...i leapt into the arms of safety and a 'maternal figurehead'  a person who both claimed she could 'cure me or help me' and also be a 'love figure' in the guise of an overzealous psychiartrist who overlearnt her craft from its own doctrine and from her own wish to 'help another,' a part of a person who may have wished to be regarded better in her own family for she too was the youngest.
she always seemed very needy indeed.  she needed to be needed!
I was on the slow track to disillusionment, pills and despair.
this had to take its toll on physical health.
to work on the genesis of illness one would have to consider trauma and birth defects.
does psychological trauma and the perpetuation of 'cruelty dynamics' of the 'mother figure' "if you do  not behave you will go to your bedroom/if you do not behave you will go to the hospital, cause an increase of physical toxins into the body on an unrelenting yearly basic, thus causing an autoimmune response breakdown?
Or at least make one worse than it should be?
Back to twinship.
 Could it be that Realising early that the presentation of calm brought about a better response from others, coupled with a better life path choice in career, to turn to be the very support role giver, made my twin release less toxins and so appear to be less sick and produce less autoimmune response?
Next to turn away from the twinship developments and the effect of 'bullying' to a persons personality and character.
factors to consider a) poor start off point, b) discovering the fact we were very deaf, c) discovering more and more about the damage done by the Rubella virus in the womb for we are rubella adults with Congenital Rubella Syndrome.
given these factors and a personality type or a manifesting as a character type - neurotic, verbose, going into triades etc, which was slammed so badly found this persons neediness  create havoc of injustice within self and cause then to self destruct unwittingly.
a fierce scream of hurt causing an already traumatised individual to cry out against the injustice of seeing her twin favoured above herself, cry out against the bullying and muck thrown at her herself saw an eroding of more and more confidence and feeling that she drove her beloved twin away from herself was annihilation a step too far.
and where did the 'mother cruelty' factor come in.
Mum decided she didnt want Ann anymore, and flung her out...but first linking Ann to what she perceived to be a 'curing factor' psychiatry and psychiatrist, for a young woman who now seeminly portrayed behaviours of er, madness :( .
Ann fled from the frying pan from the fire, as the tactics remained the same - shape up or you will be thrown to the wolves.
you wanted your mother to accept you, she had thrown you out, then the second person, in the shape of a mother tried to win your friendship, tried to absorb you into her own familial dynamics of dysfunction and yet when things got too bad for her she threw you to the hospital just like your mother who couldnt deal with your neediness throw you to your bedroom.
was it all too predictable?
It was, fears can be so strong...Lack of love so strong and misunderstanding so strong, it can tweek those that apparently 'make it and those that do not make it.\
I didnt make it and in the end destroyed my health in the trying.
i named this blog 'the balance of love'
you can kill off a person by too much love and too little.
in the first instance, there was too little, from my mother and family and in the second instance there was too much at too late a stage in life.
to have a balanced personality and be confident one has to have less cruelty and less love.
A balance.
you do not destroy people by bullying in the first instance, and thus making choices for that person all self forfeiting prophecies, nor do you 'smother love' that is give this sickly sweet love which is based on no no reward for good behaviours associated with developing maturation but punishment which will increase the persons own perceptions of being unloveable.
and when you have a poor start base in lack of love and bullying and of course a personality/character base you will more or less self destruct and i will continue this in the 'Balance of Love" part 11 in the next blog!

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