One day angst free but not so terror free, question my gov please

Daily, on a daily basis i have to read, be assaulted and anxiety driven by media on the so called 'state of the nation' and what i may lose in taxes, disability cuts and a myriad of other stuff, yes 'stuff' again.
where have i seen such avid attention to detail before?
no where, and certainly no tiny pin pick pocketing of more wealthier foe than those with nuts and bolts under their arse, who use electric legs to get around and sticks that clack and elderly who are abused, depressed and frail have i seen in our Ireland before.

this is not the picking nit of an Irishman, i see it not in our past and it came too quick to have been cobbled up by an irish man or woman.
we don't do 'fast' never did fast, but many countries do and do it well, germany, france and the UK to name a few.

when we change the health service admin three times in as many decades (or thereabouts) without changing the professionalism and attitude to patient care, stigma on the mental health status of patients and so much more..stuff. can you trust my gov to think?

nope, cos they have not thought through the mess our health service is in.
we have no structure no sense nor reason to it.
we just shut down a few wards, stop employing the top medics and discharge all and sundry to what i call 'the dying cages,' nursing homes, to you.
we do still do payrolls for this shoddy admin by paper, paper coming out of their ears, and in duplicate and triplicate.
Ireland we cannot afford to pay someone to do it all by hand now, if nothing else, think of our threes if not the trunks and inners of your sick clientele languishing on a trolley in some war zone A&E in our land, Ireland.

We seem to have in spades a volunteerism attitude though and we are the best givers of dosh to underdeveloped countries, and good on us, i have to say.
its so good to be good at something eh?
lets try it in this country.

its a full moon too, so thast may hinder many of the top brass, i have already stood out and howled, my twin is withnessed to that, she was beside me...and howling too!

if i see our Enda come out of where ever and scream his head off i would be thrilled, but ya, its called 'action not words' so i will call on ALL to protest with their feet and wheels firmly knowledged in the fact that enda just about is puppit rule in my shame riddleland

Getting Life wrong, getting it wrong in life

What is the magic ingredient to dealing well with everything in this life?
I find that i don't have the flour nor the milk for the dough to rise for me, hence nourishment is as 'flat as a pancake.'
I enjoy most things to full abandon.
I am in awe of nature, skies (which i have been watching with unusual intimacy, am i hoping for the angels to desend and take me up, or help me out)?
I am in awe of the feathered friends i now see on my twins bird feeding station.
In awe of the tiny fingers and toes and button- noses of my great neps and nieces.
So in awe of Life itself, for i am afraid of the afters.
so what is wrong?
Just about everything.
Humans.
it is so true that without the social contact, the everyday contact and the ability to contact you are left feeling bereft and lonely.
Wondering.
What do you do next?
What do you do to repair what you have done so badly wrong and how do you learn from that, even if you can say what the hell you did wrong in the first place!
And, what is this about seeking the word of Love?
is it there at all?
i doubt it.
So in the absence of Love, can i please have Friendship?
I wonder and ponder and coming up to what is called the Fruitful Third Age (of wisdom, no less), i ain't got that, not in abundance, flat as a pancake non-abundance.
Like nothing rises within my soul or within my sphere of waking up, eating, going to the toilet, dressing in between all this, (sometime) and then  taking the teeth out, scrubbing whats left, taking a warm bath, then the pills and the sleepers and spending a god-damn awful eight hours in solitary darkness.
Dawn brings the new hope that stuff, yes STUFF, will be better, i may do better and i get up.
if i didn't have this hope, which is more like grinding determination against the odds, i would stay flat.
 Then I would ask for nothing.
No beautiful skies, no birds and no grass.
you get up wojus, absolutely.
you ache, your bones do not feel your own, your muscles less so and your mind - not at all.
The first thing you do is curse at Lufe and then you, yes, take Lufe out on the nearest and dearest as if, Life/Lufe was the competition on a grand scale.
What is worse though, you don't even know it until you are so at loggerheads that it is reduced to "i did the washing up yesterday, its your turn today," Stuff!
That's really sad.
Not just sad but downright pathetic.
Things get flung, things get said and after that, the bones are wojus, the muscles more so and you want to go back to bed to recover mind and body and lie flat.
Possibly for the rest of the day, God willing.
The end of the day usually pans out good but why just as you are about to spend eight hours in bodily hell you decide that heaven is in Friendship, just as you face hell?
Tonight too i am fasting (for my sins) to have a 'blood letting' at 9.30am after that i can drink some water and come home like, anti-christ, tired, exhausted and in pain.  All over pain.
Will the dragon deep inside roar and if so,  will it understand why?
Nope, possibly yes, it will roar, will it understand?  Possibly no, always no.
What are the lessons in Love, friendship and social graces?
this one here doesn't know em.
She is trying, very hard, but something is going wrong.
is it that i have not built a team spirit and team workmanship as my next and i plough through the furrows of sticky gooey mud, called Life or Lufe.
No, neither myself nor twin will win next year's ploughing championship.
the horse bolts long before its in the trap of harness.
the whips are out, full force.
"Would you get up offa your arse and wash the fecking dishes...and by the way...you have not put petrol in the engine all week, you owe my van some...like Today, like...now!"
A tin kitty has been set up with a pasted label.
Food - per week - E50 each.
Petrol - per week - E20 each.
All is stuck on the kitchen table.
I now lump to the bath to ease out aching bones and muscles and face the obsurdity of sleeping in the dark for no good reason, I can see, anyway.

Is nothing sacred in Life and Education?

Is nothing sacred in life?  i mean, when one applies to a sort of mediocre course centre that is supported by a government training scheme grant should you also have to give that body the right to get your medical records?
does this happen in an Irish University setting? is it part of the Leaving Certificate points system?  it isn't.
you come out of school with your grades, you are lucky if you get to University.
now the catch is..this semi state body running these courses that run you to nowhere near a job..but... you are disabled ..and that is the catch!  You are entering the 'college' for people with disabilities.
you are disabled.
So in this instance, you have to give permission to have this trumped up educational body (already critizied for doing a very poor job) to delve into your health status..wait for it..that includes if you have any unusual sexual habits...i kid you not!  in other words, are you a sex pervert?
Well tell me please if you were, why should you admit that just because you are disabled?
 No one has to allow a doctor to tell an educational body this, even in a third level institution there are sex perverts who are not discovered so until they commit a sexual crime!
 Why should a disabled person sort of tell the authority of a so called orientation before they are rounded upon to answer for a sex crime!
which comes first?
a person committing a crime or a person admitting they have the inclination to commit a crime?
An able bodied person can and usually does have a democratic freedom of being free, until they commit a crime!
If you admitted to an inclination to commit a sex crime do you think you would be let into an educational setting...no!
barred...before any crime committed.
Now we move on to some other questions...
self injury being one and also you have to give permission for the educationalists to find the names of your psychotherapist, psychiatrist and social worker!
why?
why should they know if you are in a certain level of psychological distress?
you can go to a third level institution and withhold this information for this is a stigmatized area and you may be studying for instance..medicine!
but if you go to study desktop publishing you have to tell the educational body that you creep along to a psychologist or therapist and that a social worker is there in the background.
why?
why should a desk top publishing student have to tell anyone they have a social worker!?
well, the reason is, you are a disabled student doing desk top publishing course!
this is bizarre.
Now lets talk sense.
People are in this society with the tag on that everyone is equal in love and war.
we have the constitutional right to democracy and education and privacy.
What this trumped up death trap is asking for is intimate details of your personal life which will prevent you rather than enhance your chances of going through the course effectively and getting a job at the end (actually, i am biased, i don't think many get jobs out of this place, i have heard of few, very few)!
When the head of Design and Art tells you years after you left the darn place that my artistic skills were far greater than any on the course of choice and i could have been a teacher rather than a student at the time AND this same person makes you to do six months basic maths before  embarking on the course (art and design)...you can tell its all heading in the wrong direction...i lasted three weeks on the course, and six months learning basic maths (er, i have dyscalculia)!
i never learnt basic maths and i could have taught art and design in the place not take the course.
something i discovered after three weeks in the Art and Design classroom!
Something else i discovered during my six months basic maths, i was a bloody good shot putter, a bloody fine sprinter (the psychiatric students were able for this, but i was fast), an even better badminton player (all courts signed up for long before the time, they were so popular).  finally i was a good archer.
now i tell you, some twenty years later, the badminton courts are gone, ditto the sports of any kind whatsoever, its Pilates now and Yoga!
you don't kiss the grass in this place for sure.
 Twenty years later you also have to surrender your democratic rights to privacy.
No, this is not going in the right direction and i defy anyone to tell me it is.
Would the government of the day shut this institution down please, its a waste of time and money and disabled people are being lead to believe they may get a job out of this place.
it is fooling disabled people, cheating disabled people and paying people to do the cheating and the fooling.
This is a fact that is KNOWN by all and sundry.
A fact that can be verifiably confirmed
but as its the only training centre for disabled adults in our country they couldn't shut it down.
not even if it doesn't train anyone in anything.
These students should all be going to the third level institutions with support for their respective disabilities, and the rights owed to them to say if they are a self injurer or not, to say they are going to a psychotherapist or not, (i doubt anyone would admit to that, especially young people and they have no reason to).
i dont like this place or what they ask disabled people to tell them.
its all an education for me to learn of a Form that  you are asked to get filled out, give permission to surrendering details of personal data in this manner and of this kind before you enter a classroom.
this i say has a lot more to do with litigation.
this is not only a bad way to go its a dangerous path to take.  i dont like this sort of 'stuff.'
off with their heads i say.

just about crash out and being reported!

It absolutely does not 'do' to be sick in holy Ireland.
it also does not 'do' to ask for the help due to being sick in Ireland.
we don't 'do' sickie protests, out of fear really of not getting anything at all.
i got nothin'  not even a cup of tea today.
there is simple logic at play in all of this...well, its considered simple and i consider it otherwise.
we are identical twins.
we are sickies.
we are disabled
we are very cobbled.
i am in bed possibly for the first time since before festive times.
bloody awful earache, crohns gone mad and ditto sjogrens.
i state 'i am in bed'
i state, 'gud, gotta take a day in bed.'
so i do just that.
i need a cup of tea and i am wrapped in boxes up to my ears and plants coming out of the ceiling (growing by the window)
i get up, get the cuppa and return to bed.
it now comes to lunch time, that time when most eat up to get fortified for the second belt of a day on the trott of living etc.
tweny past one and no sign of the living nor lunch.
twin is on her bed.
her home help...notice..her home help is playing with plates in soapy water.
i ask her is she not making my twin a simple lunch. well you would, like.
you just would.
twenty past one..home help...etc.
nope.
i blow a gasket...now that is not kosher with anyone in this house.
no bloody tea, no bloody soup, no bloody dried toast and no fecking anything..and everyone got the message ok.
a blast between the twin and i about home helps ensued.
who is she there for?
well the twin..naturally..
here is the catch.
i am due this sort of 'service' but although i have been interviewed, and got a gp and such.  the home help service have not ratified my 'service,'
that means i don't get the cup of tea nor do i share in a simple meal with the twin.
the home help decides that playing with soap suds in designer tops is the order of the day.
my darling twin tries to inform me of the rights i have within the house.
none it seems.
even in a home of sickies.
the home help is only there to help one sickie for god's sake.
even though one packet soup, one and a half jugs of water and a quick stir can be divided between two sickies.
i storm out at the daftness of it all.
blasted regulations of no home help you ain't signed up to that.
And oh, home help sort of didn't realize that twin may need lunch.
yep.
so we have a fun time trying to clarify the necessities of being sanctioned and ratified and registered and intelligent design.
Sort of thing.
The poor twin says its her fault.
it is not.
Its about intelligence.  you have two people tired, shattered and sick and not feeling well and delinquent tired, and shattered and sick.
it takes intelligence to understand that two sickies on their respective beds may need a bit of packet soup with one and a half jugs of water and a five minute stir out of her two hours of allotted time with the twin.
nope.
I AM BEING REPORTED TO THE SERVICES FOR BLOWIN A GASKET ON THIS ONE!
yep.
all's fair in love and war they say.
yep.
they say!
awnyah will have her say.

We get Dawn's We get freedom, we get Sunsets!

True!  All Three.  Beautiful.
never pin a wild woman down!  Never box a Free spirit into a hole.
Never fight with a fighter especially a spirited one!
I say so, and definitely so.

So i am out...finally away from a lot of difficulties in my social housing unit.
I spirited my belongings, many my life's carefully written and painted belongings and many heavy and weighty ones as well.  Down that there avenue with my wheelchair as a barrow, up and down, up and down and down and up again.  my poor old people chariot is looking very very ricksaw like, and rickety.
the bolts and nuts will have to be re-bolted and nutted!
people did help but not often, the ones that did where not family but i call my little helpers as in personal assistants.  one helped more than another but they all did a fair bit in the short time they had.
and they helped gladly.
my twin of course helped with her wheelchair taking up the rear on the trawl down that avenue, the one i hated so much but also the one i decorated and loved so much as edged in pinks and whites and pale blues and snappy dragons too. all cuttings taken and seeds too, for the next two years.
the sadness was most for what i was living behind of real value, the friendships with the wee children, who grew to love my chihauhaus and gained my trust, i also loved the birds, which were drawn to what i provided, the seeds and in the summer the muck and moss and the water bath.  i had two nests from robin and blackbird.
i loved it there when my small yard was tropical in a temperate climate, lush my plants grew in a sort of protected ecosystem that oozed shelter, warmth and also held moisture for there was little drainage so during the growing period, plants grew.
i missed the swinging sparrows and the dive bombing of tiny coal tits and their quick retreat to safety. i miss the chirping on the high branches.

what i have not missed at all, is the drinking and the result of drinking.  wailing male banshees.
verbal male drunks.
threatening male drunks and broken items, thrown items of eggs and hurley balls and even being shot at by the child on the wall.
i am out, no more bringing a hammer to bed, but peace.
here on top of this mountain i see the most glorious dawn, i never thought this was possible, for i had not seen such til today and yesterday and the past month.  How can one reach 60 without seeing the sun rise over the sea and produce such grandeur?  How can one watch enthralled, or snap enthralled as you run out at dawn to capture it with the camera, dressed like an oddity, in spotty jammy bottoms, followed by african dress and finally followed by the good old Dunnes Stores woolly dressing gown, woolly hat and mits finish off the nut and sheepskin boots finish off the bolt!
imagine now i drive away from my twins and i come to a hillside strewn with live sheep!  not beer cans and fish heads as i drive away!
Here i do not see threat nor feel threatened.
Here i see beauty and hear peace.

i have discovered lovely neighbours for my twin and a new beautiful neighbour who i shall have shortly, if she stops falling onto the floor and no means of getting up unless helped and no means of that unless an older geezer than herself can get her up.

excitement in the possibilities of my new place.

60min makeover programmes watched in glee and wonder as i wonder how it will pan out for the last blast of live, my final attempt to make it happy, healthy and stress and fear free.
in other words, a thank you card to all that is good in life.

most things going fluttering mad and being chaotic

Is there a full moon right now?
or is it just in my head, today and yesterday and the day before?
and if there is a full moon, when does the full moon become 'not a full moon,' like how long is the moon full?
my moon is kinda swollen and limp and yet twirling and bright and i want it to shrink, just a bit.
it can shine but not glare, please.

right analogy over.
i am reeling with exhaustion...thats what i meant to say..really...
so i am reeling.
spinning and moonish mad inside with flurry and frenzy and fluttering.
but then so are the birds, hitchcock style.
the days are in it, melting down the days to full moon winter for the birdies, and very soon that will be with unexpected early snows on the hills of donegal, to my utter horror.
the starlings, so, and the house sparrows are beak sharp at attack they are dive bombing the underbellies of all in the way..of the bird feeder, which too is swirling and swinging.
the other feeder placed behind the bamboo, just about is for the little uns, the great tits, which i adore, they whizz in like an oversized bee and have the skill and agility of swallows, its a smash and grab effect and if they linger they ruin everything.
yes, my tit sits briefly on the peg for the claws and he uses that tiny beak to flick aside the unwanted and most of the food seems unwanted, he spits and rakes and scatters, then grabs and flees.
leaving a carpet of dandruff seends all over the floor of my yard, inviting the fat chihuahuas to forage, and yes, she eats seeds, any and all.
and getting fatter.
so the birds are mad at it, building up for the big snow.
i am flurrying around trying to get a home and money and resources and want all before the impending winter but its looking less likely.
in the meantime i am storing up on freebies for the free internet sites.
thus far i have a bundle of floor tiles, wall tiles and fab cobalt tiles.
i have a nice chair, that has a bit of a bounce, very relaxing and not too big.
i have three beautiful 'arts & crafts' dining chairs pulled from a skip or is it dumpster in the USA.
i also have a genuine article of a Directors chair, just like my mama used to have, thats a freebie.
and so the freebs are there to get.
on the grants side i wasnt so lucky and told instantly not even to 'go there.'
that produced a giggle, but no one 'goes there,'
really, for there is no money, you just live in hope there is and then get disappointed and one should start to say, 'gud i am sorry i even asked!'
so we have the house and some chairs to sit on and i do have my bed and some shiny tiles and two chihuahuas and a wicked new neighbour Kathleen, who enjoys clowns as in ornaments etc, loves colours, is a 'silver surfer' for at 88 she uses the computer.
she also uses the sewing machine and does jigsaws.
she loves her garden and the birds.
she wears a hairband, has lost a few front teeth and has a wicked sense of humour, aka the chopping board decorated in abstract images of med capsules, which made me split with laughter.
amongst all the old stuff of her age, you see the modern seeping in, the cup stipey and happy with the polka dot coloured saucers, just snuck in a small cavity cos she says, i love colour.
she is in a new age my dear new neighbour.
as she helped me down a step into her lean to conservatory, with a gap of thirty years!
everyone should adopt a granny, woa very very good for the soul.
for a change i am happy, just happier, more settled in the brain that i will be happy and when i sat in my new home to be, i just knew it.
this is home, i have come home.
and i want there fast.
in my social housing unit last night i heard a very heavy bat in the attic, whether these three housing units are all joined up there with no separation is unknown, and what the strong aggressive geezer was doing up there was anyone's guess.
if he was crawling the cavities for bad motives, he certainly unnerved me and i was unsure of it all.
that sort of thing i will be shut of for an 88 yr old woman with few front teeth will hardly be of evil intent in my attic.
oh gud get me outta here fast...now that i know!

i have neglected yeti 'blog'

well yes, it feels like the yeti disappeared on me and yet it didn't.
i had known, yes i had indeed.
awnyah had not written up, comments, views, nor had an 'attitude'
so what does one do about all this?
she finds a place in brain and time to have this much loved 'attitude.'
a lot has happened indeed.
two friends have experienced very severe shocks indeed.
life events, trauma as they are known.
just yet my friend, i don't want these for myself but realize that persons' bodies and minds are but frail.
when can i know that one day i shall too receive a severe blow to this body or to this mind?
i will not.
What i do understand right now, increasingly, is how difficult too many people are finding it right now and it is shocking.
the difficult times we face, as i speak for 'little' people are not self-inflicted but sent our way via the greed pole, that my friends are the strong-er, the men, usually, at the top.
they are the ones in charge, or so we the little ones believe.  Well, they tell us they are in charge...yep.
they are in charge of my money, your money, my life and your life.
greedy greedy seedy men and the odd woman thrown in and they have disabled us.
hook line and slinker sinker disabled us all.
we now have this around our bloody little necks until the day we die.
and what a burden.
it will be even more so for further disabled people.
here i speak of Disabled bodies, and the minds.
Lets give a few examples.
on the stats side i can say that ireland now has a mental health budget second to none, its the grand sum of 5% of total when before over ten/fifteen years ago it was 13% with this percentage now we are about the lowest in european spending  to support the mental health  of our nation.
i do not like this.
when we consider mental health so badly, not worthy of input we also engender this attitude on all, that those with mental health difficulties are not worthy of our cash and cash is in short supply.
All will experience a mental health crisis at least ONCE in our lives. what happens then if you need this care?
there is no money.
well, there is so little that what there is is not giving adequate help to our most vulnerable and needy and its perceived as either not a worthy enough cause or a waste of cash that our nation does not have.
Let us think of how little money there is in the pot for health now.  mostly the health of again another tragically dependent and vulnerable group, the disabled man, woman and child in our country.
Our adaption grants have been frozen in some counties.
our 'one pair of shoes' a year has been stopped due to lack of cash, now consider this...we all have to use the feet!
and when the feet are not well, sick and deformed, well what do you expect us to put on them, especially when unwell, sick and unhappy feet need specialised care when chosing and fitting a pair of shoes or boots whatever?
will we go out now in bedroom slippers in the snow?
or freeze the nails off the toes by going without?
hard times indeed.
dark ages times indeed.
Lets see further....a freeze on consultant appointments, second lowest consultant numbers of neurologists in europe.
not enough rheumatologists and indeed not enough of any highly specialized expert in this nation.  Remember, you too will get sick, be of no doubt about that.
young children in need of specialist attention in the classrooms are being denied this because there is not enough money for special needs assistants, well the moeny there is cannot be given over to this spending (why? is it not worthy enough, the next generation of our nation)?
Wheelchairs, disability pensions, personal assistants, home helps all cut back.
Lets put this plainly in common language for all to fully understand.
when my country is in economic crisis, the money to help us try to recover our cred economy is taken from the pockets of the least able to support this.
those at the top, the greasy pole top, the ones who decide who gets strapped, will not strap themselves.
nope, they do that to you and i and leave themselves out of it completely, yet they are complicit in bringing my humble little country to bankruptcy for you and i couldnt not have done that, we had no say and less money!
we have far less say now, because of them shits at the top.
excuse the lingo on this.
when i see suffering mates, i can call those who cause suffering every name in the book because suffering is suffering and there are few words to describe that, other than one - hell.
when people do this to vulnerable others then them people are not worthy for noble words at all.
and that is blunt.
shitzers abound the world right now.
its a worry too for the likes of me and many with disabilities, you do worry.
what will be cut next?
right now we have it up to our ears in worry. able bodied and less able bodied, but at least you can walk on happy feet if you are able.
if you are not, we have pain.
again.
and more and more and more.
now will all the sit-in's around Wall Street and Dame street make a difference?
doubt it.
really doubt it.
this is the stuff of democracy my friend.
and we have now discovered that democracy doesnt really work, its not very democratic, see.
but then neither was communism in any shape or form, so as the night grows longer here in my dribble, scribble, i have not solved the worlds difficulties, have i?
but i am worried.  nonetheless, i am a worried woman and i am stating this in the name of worried women, men and chizlers in my grubby little country.
ah, i didn't name this country grubby!
another commentator has, and i grabbed the grubby about two years ago when said commentator said so!
Very shoddy indeed.
I have had my say - tonight...good night! sleep, if you can