Sunday, January 8, 2012

Getting Life wrong, getting it wrong in life

What is the magic ingredient to dealing well with everything in this life?
I find that i don't have the flour nor the milk for the dough to rise for me, hence nourishment is as 'flat as a pancake.'
I enjoy most things to full abandon.
I am in awe of nature, skies (which i have been watching with unusual intimacy, am i hoping for the angels to desend and take me up, or help me out)?
I am in awe of the feathered friends i now see on my twins bird feeding station.
In awe of the tiny fingers and toes and button- noses of my great neps and nieces.
So in awe of Life itself, for i am afraid of the afters.
so what is wrong?
Just about everything.
it is so true that without the social contact, the everyday contact and the ability to contact you are left feeling bereft and lonely.
What do you do next?
What do you do to repair what you have done so badly wrong and how do you learn from that, even if you can say what the hell you did wrong in the first place!
And, what is this about seeking the word of Love?
is it there at all?
i doubt it.
So in the absence of Love, can i please have Friendship?
I wonder and ponder and coming up to what is called the Fruitful Third Age (of wisdom, no less), i ain't got that, not in abundance, flat as a pancake non-abundance.
Like nothing rises within my soul or within my sphere of waking up, eating, going to the toilet, dressing in between all this, (sometime) and then  taking the teeth out, scrubbing whats left, taking a warm bath, then the pills and the sleepers and spending a god-damn awful eight hours in solitary darkness.
Dawn brings the new hope that stuff, yes STUFF, will be better, i may do better and i get up.
if i didn't have this hope, which is more like grinding determination against the odds, i would stay flat.
 Then I would ask for nothing.
No beautiful skies, no birds and no grass.
you get up wojus, absolutely.
you ache, your bones do not feel your own, your muscles less so and your mind - not at all.
The first thing you do is curse at Lufe and then you, yes, take Lufe out on the nearest and dearest as if, Life/Lufe was the competition on a grand scale.
What is worse though, you don't even know it until you are so at loggerheads that it is reduced to "i did the washing up yesterday, its your turn today," Stuff!
That's really sad.
Not just sad but downright pathetic.
Things get flung, things get said and after that, the bones are wojus, the muscles more so and you want to go back to bed to recover mind and body and lie flat.
Possibly for the rest of the day, God willing.
The end of the day usually pans out good but why just as you are about to spend eight hours in bodily hell you decide that heaven is in Friendship, just as you face hell?
Tonight too i am fasting (for my sins) to have a 'blood letting' at 9.30am after that i can drink some water and come home like, anti-christ, tired, exhausted and in pain.  All over pain.
Will the dragon deep inside roar and if so,  will it understand why?
Nope, possibly yes, it will roar, will it understand?  Possibly no, always no.
What are the lessons in Love, friendship and social graces?
this one here doesn't know em.
She is trying, very hard, but something is going wrong.
is it that i have not built a team spirit and team workmanship as my next and i plough through the furrows of sticky gooey mud, called Life or Lufe.
No, neither myself nor twin will win next year's ploughing championship.
the horse bolts long before its in the trap of harness.
the whips are out, full force.
"Would you get up offa your arse and wash the fecking dishes...and by the have not put petrol in the engine all week, you owe my van Today,!"
A tin kitty has been set up with a pasted label.
Food - per week - E50 each.
Petrol - per week - E20 each.
All is stuck on the kitchen table.
I now lump to the bath to ease out aching bones and muscles and face the obsurdity of sleeping in the dark for no good reason, I can see, anyway.

No comments: