Sunday, January 22, 2012

I am hanging out with the priest...

Ye who cast the first stone...and all of that.
Before mate, i make any decisions on judgement tactics I am hanging out with the priest.
He says he is here to be 'straightened out' and also he is not the parish priest.
Last night he told me he had just the right thing for me, he loves the birds (feathered kind) and so do i.
This morning as he moved about outside and then walking toward the church he invited me to, if i would like to, move nearer his bird table...the amount of birds down there is so great.
I took him up on this offer.  it was warmer nestling in the crook of the great stone walls. Outside.
Wrapped in all the blankets i could find.
He came out gingerly and offered me a small Pentax binoculars and a wonderful bird book.
I sat for a few hours there...and enjoyed, enjoyed.

He came again, stooped and pudgy, dirty and grubby in his clothing.  He did look as if he neither washed himself or his clothes.
He filled all the feeders and seemed kindly and soft.
I asked him was he the parish priest and no, he wasn't.  He is here because he believes St. Kevin is good and he wants to straighten out.
Tell me who doesn't.
What am i doing up here on the mountain.
If its not for being laid out really and straight and horizontal and occasionally vertical cos of the exhaustion and depression.
Bed for me is 'straightening' out.
He may feel he isn't Holy enough, so he is here too for Kev's blessings.
As i am here too, maybe, for the cure.
Fantasy but whatever.
He left.
All morning i was pondering on this very word of straight man straight.
If for instance he had been a bold boy, his isolation and loneliness is so palpable up here that it is a crucifixion and it would be for me too if this sort of existence lasted a life time or even a few years.
the Monotony and bloody depression would have taken over and i would be six foot under.

-Well, it was a really good morning.
I took crap photographs and that is disappointing.
I tried to hover the cell but the hover fell apart and spilt its contents also possibly there for a few years or more.
they needed 'out' too, apparently so my efforts were in vain. I got out the brush, eco friendly and easier - stuff of invention that, and the electrics.

I woke as usual in bloody bits.
Depression like the kind you would scream of, aloud to no one, just so bad you want it screamed out of you.
not here but thats how bad.
I ached with it.

The bones were painful and the muscles too.
You literally peel yourselves out of the scratcher these days, but the birds were good to me and so too the priest.
Whatever our sins and i have many someone has to start forgiving.
Everyone has foibles and weak points.  If they don't then they are delusional.
If you are so good my friend come and do a stoning up here, trash me out of this life.
No one will, because i am not that bad!
It's all about perception and inability to forget small grievences and they are that, in the scheme of things.
What say you of being in the golden decade of life?  We are all there.  The people who i say this to know who they are.
What is the point of making each of us suffer and there be no gain for you, me, the twin and others.
There is no point.
Remember, God is the judge, if there is one.

To abandon a person who is vocal because she is vocal is wrong.
So on this mountain i am reeling after three years of hell.
I believe i can get over the trauma of the past.
I am a hoper and a fool.
I want ten years out of my life to be peaceful, fun and useful.
I want people to come for the cuppa tea and the chat and exchange nice plants and tell me about their children.
Not be abandoned ...Anyone who feels this sort of abandonment knows what it is like.
Of course there are people out there who feel it.
To have not had a start or a middle, can i have an end please?
I just don't know.
Many things i cannot do, but certainly as peace be in it and peace be in the heart of life, i have requested that much.
If it is denied me, God will be the judge of who is the better at the end.
Well i must go and rescue the chair i left by the priest house.
I must go and seek out Jays and woodpeckers and siskins and also the red squirrels, all of which he says are here or nearby.
without that...........I would be ten foot under.
No, never to see a beauty again?
No, it is not worth it...i shall wait for it and enjoy.
Off now to the woods with myself.

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