Friday, November 5, 2010

An entire rethink on being disabled!

Yes, humm...tis not good  i have to say! no other word, nothing like 'accept,' get on with your life, day by day (the song is nicer), so on, so forth.
I was excited starting off - was going to meet my wee great neice after the hospital.
unfortunately the hospital came first.
all ok really, nice woman lecturer in psychology from Galway waiting in the same clinic as i, we had a chat.
don't you dare give up the consultant, they are like gold dust, i say.  anyway prof hardi is Gorgeous, she is!
i came out, met the psychologist waiting to see the physio i had seen and i got as far as paying for the parking ticket.  the trick again is the juggling one, (oh, on way in i thought i had lost my eclair cake) until i finally realised it was squashed under my armpit in the brown paper bag), i deviate.  its the juggling, stick, mitts,hat, bag and finding the money for the little white ticket that will spit out at you once done.
it didnt take E50, shit.  I had just got my disabled persons pension, but while fumbling, the stick fell onto the ground, a young woman offered to help, a child looked on bewildered, the E50 then fell to the ground followed by the E20 which was an acceptable note.
I sing 'ha, you cant have that!' as the young woman picks it up and meets the E20 on the way down and ditto that! the child is bewildered, i am befuzzled and embarrassed, i am sweating now and the machine duly spat the ticket out once it received the E20 in its mouth.
I had some coins in return but they popped out one, slowly, one slowly, etc.
I felt paranoid over that damn machine. I felt it was mocking me.
relieved to get away from humans (child and machines) as i felt alien i went up to the 2nd carport floor, around i strut with the stick slapping and the hips swinging in a very tired and laboured way, i couldnt find my van with the psych flowers.
back to the machine area, into the lift, down to the first floor, walk, slap and swayin' i find the van.
Lights on, check stuff, key in ignition, no ticket.
sweating again, out of the van, slap my pockets, slap the seats and slap anything in sight, as well as curse.
I find it.
off i went.
drove rather fast to catch my wee great niece of four months, fearful Ma and the bab would have gone out.  I cut across double solid white lines, into her street and parked in a loading bay.
Yes, thus far day going well, eh?
out the stick, couldnt find the camera, even though i had powered up its battery over night.
disappointed. was sure i put it in.
went to see Juno and Judy.
OMG, she is a gorgeous wee thing of four months old.  A real giggler, gorgeous dimples, fab eyes, and that laughing smile.
the dystonia did probably what was right, made a strange dystonic prayer and hug up of the shoulders as in 'ooh, ahh. oh she gorgeous!'
I held her and - felt SO good, a baby in my arms now is a joy and utter bliss.
She threw up over my left hand.
i laughed. back to Mama.
we talked some and Judy Meg is a great young woman, sensible and thinking ahead wisely.
continuing her music, glad to hear.
I get a pic! a lovely picture of my newest but one, great niece.
I feel privileged and proud.
where next?
Conn's to get my camera which was having its sensor cleaned.
well to cut short a long disastrous day, row with a private car parking guy, lost more mouth guzzling tickets.
crashed the scooter as couldnt pass a parked bicycle on the pavement, i trapped my fingers in part of its anatomy and bent them back.  that hurt.
asking directions you felt the depression of my beleaguered country, and my banjaxed body.
i felt ridiculous in the rain sitting there waiting so that someone would notice and tell me the way.
Well surely you'd NOTICE!
i think they do but walk on...its linked into disability, but fair dues, three were non nationals of a european kind, without the lingo and blanked out with confusion themselves i guess.
I move on.
I decided i didnt like town, and it was too difficult. the external stimuli buzzing the internal workings and sending the dysfunctional crazy.
I didnt feel good, paranoid, yep, truly and godly paranoid.
STOP TREATING ME DIFFERENTLY, you know that wee smile and 'oh let me move that, just in case' that smile that moves a stick cos you might fall, when still you can actually step over it.
its the smile, all in the smile.  "take that bloody smile off your face" nah, they didnt, but i did.
i wasnt smiling.
i fumed.
heading home, friday night pissing rain, out mainstream to streams of bumper to bumper traffic.  Thinking self smart i head off baggot street for the dual carriage way, bad idea, i turn, three point and kind rover let me.
headed for the lower road by the american embassy. no better.
i bail out at what once was Jurys, i had not eaten since 8am and it was now 4.30pm
too tired to eat, i picked at a dinner, it was disgusting anyway.  I wanted to sit on my jigging legs, i succeeded, i didnt want to sit up at the table, i succeeded. i sort of slithered on the legs, with the chips in a bowl on my lap.
the teeth, the falsies couldn't bite into them, jaysus this is turning real good.  I suck.
that bad, yeh that bad alright.
I cease sucking and wrap em in a napkin. Not discovering them again until i am outside my van at the other end, they were to provide nourishment on the journey!
asked for the bill.
I am being watched. yep, watched.
take your glare someplace else, i wanted to say to a largish woman with a gin and tonic.  I overheard the word, 'funeral.'
I was out.  lost the bloody mouth eating ticket, again.
up to reception, i head out, phone rang.
couldn't hear, bags, mitts, ticket, stick as well as mobile slammed into the hearing aid.
i sit in the smoking covered area, it was the 'dog whisperer' who was going to talk to saffi and tell her to behave, truely.
what a time to ring, as the guy who wanted to collect the fire place surrounds, as i was sitting in beaumont clinic.
what next, have you guessed, do guess i ask you to guess.  I lost the ticket. once in the van couldn;t find it. i was feeling ill.
found it, so out again into the friday, dark and rainy rush hour.
i was pissed.   -Off.  I was into the bus lane. Paranoid. was a screeching cop gonna get me? i was planning my 'get out clause.'
i didn't care i wanted bed.
body in bits, agony, agony, bed...bed...i dreamed as the lights flickered madly and i drove sharply and well ---fast.  Bus lane all the way, no cop.
i get home.  trundle the pink plastic trolley with cameras etc up the avenue, head my chihuahuas and i am greeting them before i hit the hall door.
guess what, please guess... i beg you to guess - no key, some of you were right, other clueless.
rang friend, rang mags in london, i went to her place, fed the cat and got all the keys i could find, the second fitted.
i was in, ana went balistic and ran around like a demented captured chihuahua in the wet grass, maggie sniffed the damp and changed her mind.
i undress, feed the dogs, and door bell rang, the friend, to make sure i was safe.
short chat.
i tell her i had lost the mobile too.
she suggested she check in the van, i consent.
guess what....omg...tis a bad, bad day, couldn't find the car keys.
we give up, felt i would find them on the morning.
well i didnt, i found them there on the porch wall, along with twins letters.
right, i could have i lay...naked...i was...naked with the keys outside my hall door, in er, bandit country or more or less.
hum some day, blog badly written. am whacked tired and drunk with pain.
buzzing head and buzzing brain.
oh please dont DO this to me. i have a serious rethink on being disabled.
well it will take more than free cheese to sort it too. (for those who are not enlightened, the gov are offering us poor devils free cheese from the cheese mountains in brussels). We cheese free-ers are livid.
rightly so, i remember queueing for the free food mountain in the 70's, prime beef stock we were told, the legit legs and mutt.
what did we get, tins, dozens, and heavy for walking folk, with a stamp on the plastic carrier bags and the stamp of red embarrassment on the face. they were sorry at the centre where you showed your social welfare card, they had run out of the legs of cow or mutt.
tins opened it was i horse, with congeal...remember?
that went OUT for the rats, we had them aplenty and probably far more after the free distribution of horse.
i will end, someone asked on the radio, do we get a free mouse trap with the free cheese.
yikes off the theme, but its been a LONG day.

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