Sunday, October 31, 2010

Simple-Being Disabled-Simply put, no way

It catches you in the gut, its a deep breath of 'oh, ah, that hurts' and it does.
You cannot escape it, wish it away, think its going to go away and yet many say it will be better....and i ask when.
Tis not a moan per se, its a wondering, like.
Since when does a human not be a human, i think i have spoken of this before.
To get personal about such things in such a way would be wrong but to get personal and say in such a way that 'family neglect' is wrong, nothing personal, but its wrong, wrong, wrong.
I had a good morning, i sang a bit, hummed a bit, gave a dog a training lesson, i divided plants and then i felt - yes, unwell.  so a short hum and sung, i was unwell again.
the eyes hurt, the body hurt, like hell unwell.
i covered the eyes with shades after dosing em with replacement tears, ditto my nose.
I fell on the bed, it was around eleven o'clock in the morning and i knew it was more or less 'it.' that is, that was my day, really.
I begged a dog walker to walk the lodger dodger of a dog wired to the moon.
I left the house soon after with the two small gentle chihuahuas.
I was taking them to a shady place, short stroll, very short, with shades and walking stick to end with a cuppa coffee at a small cafe under the autumn golden leaves and musty air and dampness and baby robins finding crumbs by your feet.
I get a coffee in a paper cup.
'Why' i ask for all the other coffee drinkers have real mugs, yep, real ones.  I sat there with the shades, the stick propped by and the chis in my arms, it was damp under foot for them, they are only wee.
I sat alone and counted my blessings.  the sight was fantastic, beautiful autumn, not too cold and quiet as quiet can be for a deaf person.
I watched on.  Not watched in.
the walkers walked by me, yet chatted with others, the other abled bodied.
there are many indicators that i am such, disabled.
my amazing feeling of being alive soon fell and felt flat.
I felt as i was 'alone, unwell, like hell'
Has a sister rang to find if i have glacoma or not as i was tested yesterday?  No'
Has anyone rung in fact.  'No.'
Will they?  'No.'
they will not.
To help another disabled person when you have limited energy reserve and brain function as you are disabled too, has caused a rift in my family.
No one likes being screamed and shouted at, but then no one likes doing so much all alone, when its making you sicker and sicker.
to settle another back in her country of origin, after forty years, on my own when i am now severely disabled is alarming.
Very.  I panicked badly at my inadeqacy to deal with a situation not much being resolved.
Then we have the 'personal situation of being shot at and near attacked.'
did the sisters report their dismay to the council?
I dont think they believed it happened.
so what happens next in the scheme of things.
we decide time up on the shared ownership.
the worse effected ill and sick person who never worked in her life, due to disability is made into the terror of the years.
worse that the horror of horrors for the season that's in it.
I am a traitor to the one i was trying to help, because i asked for help for her, she helped me in my fears and i am disowned for dislodging the person i was trying to get settled back and the person getting settled back has borne the brunt of my near 'nervous breakdown' and my depression of fear where i live. She has been more or less sold our home from under her.

It was not meant to be that fast no.
but who gets the blame for the unpredictable fast sale here?
I do.
'Well they dont really see you as disabled.' i am told.
do they not, with two life threatening conditions, using wheelchairs, mobility scooters and having autoimmune diseases coming out of my ears, deafness and dystonia and a diagnosed neurodegenerative process taking place?
but still, is it right to pick one in a bunch and attack viciously with vile wording and such.
causing such depression and anxiety and pain, when more than enough is visited upon her.
I did look up my school website today and i do not really know why but i wanted to be reassured of many things, and there it was for me.
The Society of the Holy Child Jesus.
They educated me, and all my siblings.  Their motto still remains "actions not words" and there has been total inaction.
no help of any sort.
when i read from a friend that many in america who have severely disabled children are told by social services to place them into the care for the homeless i weep, for i have a wealthy family who has suggested I go into sheltered accommodation and then when things get bad for both my twin and I it was then suggested by the wealthy family that she too, goes into the care of the aged who would be far far older and less able than either of us.
give me a break.
dont give me a paper cup, do not pass me by, let me live life well and contentedly, let me fly with the birds and for as long as i can, be independent as long as i can and put your hands and feet where your mouth is, far more useful, ACTION NOT WORDS.

1 comment:

Dr Margaret Kennedy said...

entirely agree.
being disabled as the americans say "sucks". no-one wants to help. i discovered that in rome.

my dog iS wired to the moon. you did the right thing. She's gone to 'Muttlins'