Monday, August 22, 2011

a starting point of nothing

I am a bit nervous about to-morrow i have to say.
I need 'OUT' of the hospital for sure.
It looks as if the nurses believe i will be out.
But what has been settled?
it is fully understood that i intend to stay firm in the face of adversity.
i have told the consultants that my housing difficulies was, difficult.
i have told the hse community care team that i am at the end of the rope and will no longer put myself in a vulnerable situation in a violent and intimatory enclave where i feel threatened. where my person feels threatened and so too my mind and soul.
my heatlh as well is increasingly suffer.

when i though of my Pankhurst style stance in this i wonder would the history books read so well all for it?
I hardly think so.  we will see that identical twins lived and led a comparitively different life all told.
There is a doctor in the house after centuries and in those centuries the doctor was indeed a woman before her.
and yet, history will show that no member of this so called elite-ist family was ever in social housing.
but she is fine and did fine.
but definitely no one ran under the horse for protest, in my case lay down on the brown leather sofa in the hospital and claimed, sorry doc, no where to go and i aint budging."
so its a first, provocateur style.  "ah will you grab her by the ankles and take her off the bloody course." you may hear them say.
well, it will come to that.
there could be shame and scary tomorrow, but i shall do it for repeated shame and scary and downright overly scarey  when i had to take up a single residency in face of boozers all around another female none in sight.
need for justice takes desperate measures.
and so when the family too look back they will with shame, for they had a panki in the house!
and what does emily do, she shows up the men but in this case (the family). it woiuldnt go unnoticed amongst the war clans in these parts that an unusual presidence has been struck within the conservative, upstanding upper middle class family.
I will go down in history as an aggitator and my twin as an instigator.
well at least the nouns seem pretty similar.
so war may begin and the shit will be laid bare. and an emily panki is going to announce the truth, take a bow (not really) and return to her seat, (bed, really!) lets see what will happen this space!|

Sunday, August 21, 2011

When the Bees sting - when Cancers take over - when all is but a space for possibilities

I think for many, listening to the voices within and without about how one conducts oneself in life can be very hard indeed.

sometimes it takes a tumble to settled us down on that seat from which one can see more clearly and calmly.
its that time of quiet that a person can sift through chaos and despair and find some interesting clues and possibilities for way outs of despair.
Always the answer is within the self.
But not always the answer is entirely UP to the SELF.
the answer being a committed collaboration of committed kind people.
a bit of give and take,
a bit of holding back and plenty of boundaries and careful footsteps.

I would like to say that if a person in chaos admits that behaviours and presentations have been too strong for most to take and understand, it is not a 'given' to say "i told you so" and "well now, what are you going to do to change your ways?"
it is not about that.
certainly changing ways is the best way forward.
but changing ways means too that others must do similar so that the situation does not decent to the gutter again as it had before.
its as always collaboration.
one admits the faults and the others take stock and see how the faults occurred. the sick person is needy and also a kind sick person so the others must sit calmly and say "what on earth would make it better for her, even if only a small thing?"
for a person to be shattered to the bone, so much so that health is compromised with continuous hospitalizations one has to think that this isn't entirely about changing ways of behaviours.
it has to be about changing structures of care, relationships and understanding.
always in life, when we have a war on our hands, or in our lives, mediation of outside forces, intervention and 'clean up' are all expected from a idealist world that it has to be better than it was.
the 'clean up' should begin i hope.
lets hope that the junta is ready and that the foot soldiers are all fit and healthy to help clean the land-mines amidst the unfortunate who never wanted it this way.
No do not say - well, you now see your behaviour was in vain.
it wasn't.  it was a way of trying to deal with something with so many limits it was absolutely impossible to surmount.
the rage within was a consequence and the result was the behaviour seen.
this is not about 'i told you so.'
this is about perspective of all.
one is sick and tried.
others are maybe sick, did not try.  Did not try at all, it has to be said.
the ones who blamed and shredded and did not try cannot be smug now at what has happened.
what this has done was driven an individual to the base of rock despair with few choices, little help and absolutely no understanding whatsoever.

the sick woman will try.
she will also be a person now intent on personal integrity and a personal life to preserve sanity for self this time.
to preserve energy for self.
the individual life at the end is not going to be sacrificed for the many who chose not to be a committed traveller on a long road, which from now on will not be an easy one.
if by the short first bend a person looks right and sees the sick one, takes the hand in guiding together down that windy path so be it.
if that does not happen, it will not be up to the sick one to remain committed to a group situation where she is ostracized and castigated all for the sake of personal convenience of selfishness.
i, as the sick one will take personal responsibility for strong and childish behaviours, all based in exhaustion and despair, all based from a standpoint of little ability to do what was asked of me.
this responsibility i shall attain and work to hold from here on in.
but in doing this, things will change.
no longer will the use of this person as the scapegoat will tolerated.
each individual on the map of a small localized family group will have to judge concience and see if they had a roll to play in the disintegration of the confidence within a very sick person.
No one should be asked to sit plonk and told to shift arse on attitude when none are prepared to assist in change.
attitude, behaviours, loves, likes and comittments take actually a lot of COMITTMENT.
no one becomes exhausted for no reason.
no one would wish it that some take more of the responsibiiity than others.
no one would wish it for themselves.
so ditto amongst the human clan.
i shall commit to change and try the tolerance stake.
but i will commit to others only as far as my integrity stays intact and my life is respected and is within the bounds that can be a peaceful life with no overdue burdens of responsibility.
I wil take up the poison challenge to try correct the wrongs.
but i will take it up knowing the base for the past few years and never relinguish my belief base on this.
i will admit its been hard for others to face Awynah with her careering disability to manage stress.
but stress it was, and most uncalled for, unwarranted and unneeded.
all was and could have been avoided.
many now will have to look at Awnyah and see that she cannot be expected to fill rolls she is unable to fill.
she is but one single fly on the leaf.
so for this midget to cope will the bees stop buzzing around and stinging so hard.
will the bees start making honey to get us through the winter months.
i want my honey on my toast, by the fire with the other midgets in my life.
but no fecking bloody wasps a-ganging up on a single celled eggit please.
get off ye bugs and change and metamophasize into an agreeable beasty for all to enjoy and relish at the side of the coal grate, this coming winter and many winters ahead.
all cosy by the hearth of life please, with no more biting, bitching and blaming.
just lets all see what can be done for the change that is upon us.
i rest my case.
my prayers are done and dusted.
lets say too my friends i met another on this path here in a small place.
as taking the air for a walk with sticks i met a woman with a smile and a shock of ginger hair.
she is in my friends, knowingly, that her cancer is spreading through her body like wildfire.
and she could only say to me, we never know, but all we can do is live the next day.
who could disagree with this i ask.
who has it in their charge that one must live better than another when all have the capacity to help each other live better than at present or in the past.
jus help each other along this way.
the cancer is not far behind for all.
i am not sitting on that wall with the shock of ginger facing the horror of the next few months.
may God keep that beautiful woman safe in his arms as she faces this trauma.
i am gutted to have met a woman in so much fears for surely she must.
please help us all face these sort of things.
all the best from a weary woman.
and she is a good woman to boot.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

aspies, fright and such things as living!

ah well my friends you just have to give it your best shot eh?  this stuff of life which the native indians have sussed out and also the yogis - bears of the world. well done.
tis me being a tad bit bored and also a tad bit regretful as i reflect on massive storms and jolting of lives and traumatic experiences for all once they sit with the old Awynah here eh?

the only place to put the weary Awynah and her bloody stomach of trouble is in the hospital, single room MRSA positive.
clap her there, drip her up and stoke down the fire in that belly of hers, metaphorically, real and physical.
Awynah had a crohns collapse as well as nearly loosing the mind and brain, the one she thought was fantastic at organization and spirit, pluck and expertise.
Oh how wrong i was and oh how Mae a Culpa i was too, for those who know, please correct the spellin'
well this Aspie is setting down some personal boundaries, setting a simple goal to tackle the difficulties squarely, realistically and through peaceful means.
no longer throwing missiles which actually hit the target now, not just the walls near the target(s).
so no more ducking i hope.
we have to set a straight path to progress.
the crohns has calmed well, the injections of boots of steroids did the trick and i am recovering from a belt of a collapse, with the puking and shitting plenty.
as i recover i count the cost and lost of such a deshevelled few months with those i love dearly.
never ever destroy cos you are in mighty pain. do realize that everyone else is in pain too.
many who fight forget that the pain is equal and shared aplenty methinks by now.
so the plan is to go calm, watch the steps i take, don't gobble up ground and dust in the pacing frantic clomping 'march on.'
boundaries my friends, boundaries for all, for boundaries keep you sane and keep you aware of what you can do and what you cannot.
it is especially important for those struggling with health issues.
living with health issues means you absolutely MUST spare the energy banks.
there is little reserve to tide you by if the banks go bankrupt.
pennys not bucks, pennies not euros or dollars. just simple pennies of energy spent on others, for you care.  you do care so much.
but caring and sharing is the stuff of energy banks reserves.
we must share the energy reserves to stay ahead o posse.
well to gabble on i now have to tackle the fight against my 'no pay-rent bug" he/she has to be booted out of my skin and that of the one i infected.
thanks to St. Michaels A&E department.  thanks. you take your life in your hands visiting that there place in an emergency!
so the aspie is staying cool and very positive, tis great to do so in the virtual world but in the process the body is stilled great, with the googling and 'no speak' chat, which saves the vocal chords and the spin from the mind with overload of the senses.
Overload, my friends destroys the energy banks, thats there are bloody armour tanks going into the skull with wheels of iron and mashing up such simple buildings of brain and grey matter.
go smash some other bank now please.
spare me the steel and guns.
oh ann is on a roll with this one for sure.
so is the Mitzi, and the other Mitzis of the world all over.
creative havoc to save the many suffering people and saving the need for further suffering.
oh Mitzi there fighting for the protection of the unborn child from the dreadful consequences of contracting Rubella in the womb when being nourished to form a perfect human being.

Awnyah is now off to the scratcher with the internal guns ablazing with ideas for 'Positivity'
Awnyah faced demons before and took em on and won.
oh for awynah who shook the anti-depressants, the wallop and dollops of mega heavy drugs, the drink and fags.  all gone, up stakes and gone out of the body and soul of the 'oh please give me peace' body of Awynah.
As the attacked once said and gave plaques for evidence "when i sorted my head out the body fell apart" oh so true.
but with it i took the wheels by clench did i not, my attacked?
who can drive the van-o like the good old Awnyah todaysay!  who can stamp the grey with pink and purple and have you being chased down alleyways and lanes to red lights and more aflashing?  "Where did you get the flowers on that there van, i just HAD TO KNOW!"
ah sure thats what the Flower Power was all about, peace, cherishing each and everyone.
cherishing and nourishing and nurturing the weary.
my pink and purple flowers will sing from here on.  If i get out of Jail.
i have a charge to fight in the courts in September, bloody pipsqeak of a guard who got overload of power that day a year and more on Easter Sunday - never forget day that.
wait to September dear young guard who wanted to whip and adapted van from under the useless legs and that of the attacked as-formentioned above.
bloody hell the life of an Aspie and Attacked is a long and rocky one for sure.
but the welcomed bugs and bees buzz on and so must we all, aspie or not, there is some living to be done. so lets begin on a grand parade of celebration.
now what a belt of a blog on this one here.
blame the pump of all that whacking steroids on the blazing guns of the Awnyah todaysay.
oh good night my friends, good night.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Balance of Love 11

my 'part 1 of "Balance of Love" was unedited and i am ashamed, but enthusiasm knows no bounds.

I started off part one of this blog with the need to say that cruelty never ever produces good results.
also the way one learns is a thin line between too much love and no love at all.
and when all this is in the mix of childhood it is disastrous.
there is a small factor i do not understand fully.
where does personality come in when one is able to aborb the worst abuses and also the little of the best assets.
that is, in light of bullying some people do fare better than others.
so personality has a role to play.
there is one thing about mixed messages of bullying and love and love been given and taken away - very few winners in total.
that is why the balance of love is so very fine.
and because it is so fine, few get that balance which leads to the bigger picture of the entire universe being dragged up on a base of dysfunction and lack of attunement to the perfectness that is intrinsically inherent but never achieved.
but humans do make or break others, especially in allowing individuals to develop.
the roles then of parenthood are an enormous burden and the most uneducated role on the planet, not skills based at all! very hit and miss.

Most people can find many faults in their parents whereas they see few in their teachers.
thats because teachers are not the first so called educators and they are the first educated professionals!
from the vantage point of being the oldie in a dysfunctional system i see what has happened when cruelty whether conciously given or not has had an effect on others, other than myself.
where too little love and too much has had its own effects too and where there is an unpredictable element in the dosage as well, which can be equally destabilizing.
when i look at the ruination of one life, my own i write so that i can make a difference in younger persons perceptions of human life.
I wish cruelty of the 'known kind' to stop and for the known kind to be pointed out to others and taken on board.
I wish for young people to understand that you cannot lash love out there in vast amounts especially the wrong kind of love.
if you do not understand love and never fully known healthy love then you certainly cannot give it and certainly cannot accept it.
when mothers have so much power too on how they can distribute this love a person who does not receive adequate doses feels the power of it and will not be able to understand the very nature of power.
so cruelty, love, hate, too little and too much love is a vicious mix.
and when you meet 'Hurt' its Lethal.
i could have said all of part one and two in a few words - "everything in moderation, makes a mature person and a human person not a hurt person nor a sick person."

the balance of 'love' 1

Lying in my hospital bed yesterday i was down in spirit and feeling a rather dollop of self pity i am afraid.
I suppose given the circumstances many would be too.
i traversed the brain of memories to path my life in sort of slow and yet quantum leaps.
many questions struck me as the tears dripped away to dampen the pillows.
"what was the difference between my self and my twin?"
"What is the difference in 'cause and effect?"
"what sort of personality does it take for damage"
"what relationshiop does genetics play in damage both physcial and psychological"
deep questions you may think...we'll many have also said that i do think too much, too deeply and not for my own good.
we have heard all this before then!
When science looks at Twins they see a DNA match and start to look at these things, nature and nurture.
when my twin and i were growing up i only looked at part of this, the difference in our different way of viewing the world.
I thought my twin had a different personality but was it now more like it if i say she had a different way of dealing with a same personality and in chosing a different way has indeed developed into a different 'type of difference'
maybe we started from the same vantage point - frightened kiddies and frightened from the very onset of birth.
was it that one may have been slightly more than volitile to begin with and so took the volatile route and the other more sedentary and compensatory and took the quiet in the corner route, but the genesis was the same, brain damaged terror?
It does not appear to have been the case that my twin became more terrified as time went on, nor that i was just instantly terrified as soon as i hit humans!
also the fact that my twin has a poorly define childhood memory may be a reason why she chose the quiet route and her presentations were dumbed down as such.
maybe because i had a different side of the brain working (as i believe can occur in 'mirror twins,' which we are, one being left handed and the other right), i was visual and alert and became very honed to the visual and took great delight in the colour of life and all things around me.
my twin took delight in the stories she read growing up, marvelling at the delights within the written language.
These are all sensorial.  but none of the auditory senses, for music was not the stuff of our lives as being a significant mover of emotions in any shape or form.
If it was to be the school curriculum may have spurred us on to appreciate music yet it didnt, i never understood the classical and always found it hard to grasp as i did poetry, neither nuance caused a stirr.
my twins path was the sedentary and literal, mine the visual and active.
so with the terror, in my case of people i struck a path of terror within my way of being, frenzied and like wise excitability, i loved life to the core.  i also wanted to bring it to others that were around me but my excability was struck down too often than i care to remember.
my twin must have felt a 'no competition' feel in a verbose twin and her alienation from someone she didnt understand either.
she possibly stuck in her hell in the corner and i stuck in my hell very much out of the corner, running wildly around for solace and then belting to twin for further solace at every turn.
the solace and attempting calm at the frenzy within.
it was not reached.
Comparisons then set in mega.
"why cannot you stay still like Mags?"
"why can you not be good like Mags?"
and so with a slowly disintegrating family structure anyway we see the beginnings of a 'picked upon,' the bullied and the one used as the scapegoat.
who wanted a wild thing amidst a competing family of six where there were few perks of material or financial kind, hardly a decent meal on the table nor warmth in souls, body or otherwise, and within a family seeing the cracks of the strain all were now beginning to suffer not so much on the power of the 'twins' but there was endangerment in our lives, all of our lives, to ike out the love that was so sparingly available.
and for one who was the 'wild thing' apparently demanding such attention she had to be crushed at all costs.
further bullying and comparison probably convinced the twin that her stratedgy worked, that is to obtain the 'love in approval' that was so needed in all growing animals and especially in a brain that wasnt overjoyed in being amongst humans anyway.
twin must have realised quickly that silence, a turning away from society help eased the personal terrors but also must have soon realised that this very action then was considered the more exemplary of the two character traits between gentleness and abrasiveness.
then as my twin grew older she started to see in effect the one that was displaying need for the love so badly needed was causing her problems in getting her half share!
she became resentful of the difference.
and also the tranferal of neediness to her from me which she felt she did not need nor could she cope or provide.
she didnt want to be my 'mother!'
she rebelled to find the space she needed.
she must have felt the family was a lost cause and bailed out.
but she did too, because of academic underachievement.
Just like myself, i too a severe underachiever within an intelligent family yearned for adoration for what we could do, rather than what we could not.
so began the trail and trials for individuals trying to become individual and more so 'liked/loved' for how wonderful we are, as each human actually is, this 'how wonderful we are' was not to be over and above everyone else but equal to everyone, in the love stakes.
the freedom from one sort of claustrophobia gave way to a nurturing of self independence, especially away from people for my twin.
in my own life i never separated from trauma to such a degree, one would have to separate when leaving a country of origin with little reserve and at a very young age.
dynamics changed.  concentration changed.
by the fact of twin leaving  she changed her direction of concentration whilst i pretty much never had that distraction.
i played the unbroken record which never delivered and never realising it wouldnt...i leapt into the arms of safety and a 'maternal figurehead'  a person who both claimed she could 'cure me or help me' and also be a 'love figure' in the guise of an overzealous psychiartrist who overlearnt her craft from its own doctrine and from her own wish to 'help another,' a part of a person who may have wished to be regarded better in her own family for she too was the youngest.
she always seemed very needy indeed.  she needed to be needed!
I was on the slow track to disillusionment, pills and despair.
this had to take its toll on physical health.
to work on the genesis of illness one would have to consider trauma and birth defects.
does psychological trauma and the perpetuation of 'cruelty dynamics' of the 'mother figure' "if you do  not behave you will go to your bedroom/if you do not behave you will go to the hospital, cause an increase of physical toxins into the body on an unrelenting yearly basic, thus causing an autoimmune response breakdown?
Or at least make one worse than it should be?
Back to twinship.
 Could it be that Realising early that the presentation of calm brought about a better response from others, coupled with a better life path choice in career, to turn to be the very support role giver, made my twin release less toxins and so appear to be less sick and produce less autoimmune response?
Next to turn away from the twinship developments and the effect of 'bullying' to a persons personality and character.
factors to consider a) poor start off point, b) discovering the fact we were very deaf, c) discovering more and more about the damage done by the Rubella virus in the womb for we are rubella adults with Congenital Rubella Syndrome.
given these factors and a personality type or a manifesting as a character type - neurotic, verbose, going into triades etc, which was slammed so badly found this persons neediness  create havoc of injustice within self and cause then to self destruct unwittingly.
a fierce scream of hurt causing an already traumatised individual to cry out against the injustice of seeing her twin favoured above herself, cry out against the bullying and muck thrown at her herself saw an eroding of more and more confidence and feeling that she drove her beloved twin away from herself was annihilation a step too far.
and where did the 'mother cruelty' factor come in.
Mum decided she didnt want Ann anymore, and flung her out...but first linking Ann to what she perceived to be a 'curing factor' psychiatry and psychiatrist, for a young woman who now seeminly portrayed behaviours of er, madness :( .
Ann fled from the frying pan from the fire, as the tactics remained the same - shape up or you will be thrown to the wolves.
you wanted your mother to accept you, she had thrown you out, then the second person, in the shape of a mother tried to win your friendship, tried to absorb you into her own familial dynamics of dysfunction and yet when things got too bad for her she threw you to the hospital just like your mother who couldnt deal with your neediness throw you to your bedroom.
was it all too predictable?
It was, fears can be so strong...Lack of love so strong and misunderstanding so strong, it can tweek those that apparently 'make it and those that do not make it.\
I didnt make it and in the end destroyed my health in the trying.
i named this blog 'the balance of love'
you can kill off a person by too much love and too little.
in the first instance, there was too little, from my mother and family and in the second instance there was too much at too late a stage in life.
to have a balanced personality and be confident one has to have less cruelty and less love.
A balance.
you do not destroy people by bullying in the first instance, and thus making choices for that person all self forfeiting prophecies, nor do you 'smother love' that is give this sickly sweet love which is based on no no reward for good behaviours associated with developing maturation but punishment which will increase the persons own perceptions of being unloveable.
and when you have a poor start base in lack of love and bullying and of course a personality/character base you will more or less self destruct and i will continue this in the 'Balance of Love" part 11 in the next blog!