Thursday, October 20, 2011

most things going fluttering mad and being chaotic

Is there a full moon right now?
or is it just in my head, today and yesterday and the day before?
and if there is a full moon, when does the full moon become 'not a full moon,' like how long is the moon full?
my moon is kinda swollen and limp and yet twirling and bright and i want it to shrink, just a bit.
it can shine but not glare, please.

right analogy over.
i am reeling with exhaustion...thats what i meant to say..really...
so i am reeling.
spinning and moonish mad inside with flurry and frenzy and fluttering.
but then so are the birds, hitchcock style.
the days are in it, melting down the days to full moon winter for the birdies, and very soon that will be with unexpected early snows on the hills of donegal, to my utter horror.
the starlings, so, and the house sparrows are beak sharp at attack they are dive bombing the underbellies of all in the way..of the bird feeder, which too is swirling and swinging.
the other feeder placed behind the bamboo, just about is for the little uns, the great tits, which i adore, they whizz in like an oversized bee and have the skill and agility of swallows, its a smash and grab effect and if they linger they ruin everything.
yes, my tit sits briefly on the peg for the claws and he uses that tiny beak to flick aside the unwanted and most of the food seems unwanted, he spits and rakes and scatters, then grabs and flees.
leaving a carpet of dandruff seends all over the floor of my yard, inviting the fat chihuahuas to forage, and yes, she eats seeds, any and all.
and getting fatter.
so the birds are mad at it, building up for the big snow.
i am flurrying around trying to get a home and money and resources and want all before the impending winter but its looking less likely.
in the meantime i am storing up on freebies for the free internet sites.
thus far i have a bundle of floor tiles, wall tiles and fab cobalt tiles.
i have a nice chair, that has a bit of a bounce, very relaxing and not too big.
i have three beautiful 'arts & crafts' dining chairs pulled from a skip or is it dumpster in the USA.
i also have a genuine article of a Directors chair, just like my mama used to have, thats a freebie.
and so the freebs are there to get.
on the grants side i wasnt so lucky and told instantly not even to 'go there.'
that produced a giggle, but no one 'goes there,'
really, for there is no money, you just live in hope there is and then get disappointed and one should start to say, 'gud i am sorry i even asked!'
so we have the house and some chairs to sit on and i do have my bed and some shiny tiles and two chihuahuas and a wicked new neighbour Kathleen, who enjoys clowns as in ornaments etc, loves colours, is a 'silver surfer' for at 88 she uses the computer.
she also uses the sewing machine and does jigsaws.
she loves her garden and the birds.
she wears a hairband, has lost a few front teeth and has a wicked sense of humour, aka the chopping board decorated in abstract images of med capsules, which made me split with laughter.
amongst all the old stuff of her age, you see the modern seeping in, the cup stipey and happy with the polka dot coloured saucers, just snuck in a small cavity cos she says, i love colour.
she is in a new age my dear new neighbour.
as she helped me down a step into her lean to conservatory, with a gap of thirty years!
everyone should adopt a granny, woa very very good for the soul.
for a change i am happy, just happier, more settled in the brain that i will be happy and when i sat in my new home to be, i just knew it.
this is home, i have come home.
and i want there fast.
in my social housing unit last night i heard a very heavy bat in the attic, whether these three housing units are all joined up there with no separation is unknown, and what the strong aggressive geezer was doing up there was anyone's guess.
if he was crawling the cavities for bad motives, he certainly unnerved me and i was unsure of it all.
that sort of thing i will be shut of for an 88 yr old woman with few front teeth will hardly be of evil intent in my attic.
oh gud get me outta here that i know!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

i have neglected yeti 'blog'

well yes, it feels like the yeti disappeared on me and yet it didn't.
i had known, yes i had indeed.
awnyah had not written up, comments, views, nor had an 'attitude'
so what does one do about all this?
she finds a place in brain and time to have this much loved 'attitude.'
a lot has happened indeed.
two friends have experienced very severe shocks indeed.
life events, trauma as they are known.
just yet my friend, i don't want these for myself but realize that persons' bodies and minds are but frail.
when can i know that one day i shall too receive a severe blow to this body or to this mind?
i will not.
What i do understand right now, increasingly, is how difficult too many people are finding it right now and it is shocking.
the difficult times we face, as i speak for 'little' people are not self-inflicted but sent our way via the greed pole, that my friends are the strong-er, the men, usually, at the top.
they are the ones in charge, or so we the little ones believe.  Well, they tell us they are in charge...yep.
they are in charge of my money, your money, my life and your life.
greedy greedy seedy men and the odd woman thrown in and they have disabled us.
hook line and slinker sinker disabled us all.
we now have this around our bloody little necks until the day we die.
and what a burden.
it will be even more so for further disabled people.
here i speak of Disabled bodies, and the minds.
Lets give a few examples.
on the stats side i can say that ireland now has a mental health budget second to none, its the grand sum of 5% of total when before over ten/fifteen years ago it was 13% with this percentage now we are about the lowest in european spending  to support the mental health  of our nation.
i do not like this.
when we consider mental health so badly, not worthy of input we also engender this attitude on all, that those with mental health difficulties are not worthy of our cash and cash is in short supply.
All will experience a mental health crisis at least ONCE in our lives. what happens then if you need this care?
there is no money.
well, there is so little that what there is is not giving adequate help to our most vulnerable and needy and its perceived as either not a worthy enough cause or a waste of cash that our nation does not have.
Let us think of how little money there is in the pot for health now.  mostly the health of again another tragically dependent and vulnerable group, the disabled man, woman and child in our country.
Our adaption grants have been frozen in some counties.
our 'one pair of shoes' a year has been stopped due to lack of cash, now consider this...we all have to use the feet!
and when the feet are not well, sick and deformed, well what do you expect us to put on them, especially when unwell, sick and unhappy feet need specialised care when chosing and fitting a pair of shoes or boots whatever?
will we go out now in bedroom slippers in the snow?
or freeze the nails off the toes by going without?
hard times indeed.
dark ages times indeed.
Lets see further....a freeze on consultant appointments, second lowest consultant numbers of neurologists in europe.
not enough rheumatologists and indeed not enough of any highly specialized expert in this nation.  Remember, you too will get sick, be of no doubt about that.
young children in need of specialist attention in the classrooms are being denied this because there is not enough money for special needs assistants, well the moeny there is cannot be given over to this spending (why? is it not worthy enough, the next generation of our nation)?
Wheelchairs, disability pensions, personal assistants, home helps all cut back.
Lets put this plainly in common language for all to fully understand.
when my country is in economic crisis, the money to help us try to recover our cred economy is taken from the pockets of the least able to support this.
those at the top, the greasy pole top, the ones who decide who gets strapped, will not strap themselves.
nope, they do that to you and i and leave themselves out of it completely, yet they are complicit in bringing my humble little country to bankruptcy for you and i couldnt not have done that, we had no say and less money!
we have far less say now, because of them shits at the top.
excuse the lingo on this.
when i see suffering mates, i can call those who cause suffering every name in the book because suffering is suffering and there are few words to describe that, other than one - hell.
when people do this to vulnerable others then them people are not worthy for noble words at all.
and that is blunt.
shitzers abound the world right now.
its a worry too for the likes of me and many with disabilities, you do worry.
what will be cut next?
right now we have it up to our ears in worry. able bodied and less able bodied, but at least you can walk on happy feet if you are able.
if you are not, we have pain.
and more and more and more.
now will all the sit-in's around Wall Street and Dame street make a difference?
doubt it.
really doubt it.
this is the stuff of democracy my friend.
and we have now discovered that democracy doesnt really work, its not very democratic, see.
but then neither was communism in any shape or form, so as the night grows longer here in my dribble, scribble, i have not solved the worlds difficulties, have i?
but i am worried.  nonetheless, i am a worried woman and i am stating this in the name of worried women, men and chizlers in my grubby little country.
ah, i didn't name this country grubby!
another commentator has, and i grabbed the grubby about two years ago when said commentator said so!
Very shoddy indeed.
I have had my say - tonight...good night! sleep, if you can

Sunday, September 25, 2011

a thinkable scribble again say...

Yes, as i sit here listening to the washing machine whirr and watching my sis reading i am alone with the thoughts and the laptop.
the patio door is open, i look out into darkness, and wonder is it a worry to sit like this when i am in the East End of London, on a short trip?
will a short trip end or will someone else trip into the bolt hole i am in right now?
well, lets believe no one will do any tripping in and shortly i shall shut them doors, cos once the clock strikes a certain hour, one must not invite the trippers but stop em even feeling encouraged to trip under cover of darkness, and weakness...
now for the planned scribble and scribbling.

its about 'what is it about' and its about 'i want to be independent til the day i pop my clogs, no trippers welcomed here.
When i mean independent, many will wonder why i use such a word.
Independent is what most believe they are!
I believe i am.
i will be right in that, an all are when they believe they are independent.
so what exactly does this word mean...and in what context.
there are several grades of independence until you reach that grade that is 'dependent.'
the first being the total.
the total in young independents, married independents, and economic independents.
and then the grades either rise or get lower depending on the words and ways you would like.
my independence is 'under threat' that is, i have it in abundance, in my mind...and i have it in abundance in my ability as i see it.
what i dont have is the first grader of independence, that is the young, married and economically with-it independent.
I am just above that or below..all depends...i guess.
i need a bit of being independent?
does that mean i aint inde?
i am inde..very much inde...
so what does it mean 'a bit of help?'
well the wealthy say they 'need a bit of help' and pay for it, so that they can enjoy a better 'quality' (debateable), but i say 'i need a bit of help' to enjoy life...defo inde in my view.
so please someone take away the strain that floors my body...not my mind and will i want to add... but the body.
my body like anyones is inclined to defect from its responsibilities to hold its owner upright in a fit and able manner.
so thats why i need help.
for the body is weak and the spirit is be independent.
so i get the help, but at a the state, actually.
why is this important?
for many reasons.
the society we have today demands of itself not to help many in their midst.
family structures are not as tight as they were, for individualism and materialism has joined all the other isms to create selfish..isms.
and they are many.
but when we say that the state gives help to a body falling apart it also has a rebound effect on society.
it upholds the law of averages.
that is, people get paid for being a helper, and so a job is created.
a job which is now a precious thing to have.
in this instance we have two helpers in the equasion, one is helping the other in paid employment and the other is helping the tudder to live. that is quality for two and each then cancels out the other.
neither are dependents.
this useful sort of thinking is vital.  this is the thinking that has to be entertained.
and so if we bring this further, paid help for a body breaking up and down, releases others of responsibilities.  it doesnt nor release them from the moral responsibility of caring for others, no.  that goes without saying.  goes without saying for this is the law of being human.
but the release being the burden on those who may be too heavily burdened to help much.
help a little yes, help much no.
if all understand the way this works, no one will feel the guilt that is there when you see a loved one breaking down and up and all ways.
its to understand.
when i say i want to be independent.  this is a right.
the is a basic human right.
more and more, again in our wonderful enlightened society, people are being put away, under the guise of 'its for the best.'
that too, is debateable.
for whose 'best' we now have to consider.
when we put people away and shut them out of society we do something to society.
we defo down all the tools of moral responsibilty.
no human is meant to be shut out of the community for expediency.
all have a role to play no matter how small.
All will end up as a weakened body, a hurt body, a painful body.  All go through this at levels i describe.
what do you want for yourselves. we have to ask this question.
is it that the children put you away as soon as possible and will you be angry, will you feel that its intolerable.
will you also feel depressed?
you will.
i have seen this too often.
i have seen and witnessed utter despair of abandonment in such places as homes for the elderly.
none are nice, with the best will in the world they are not nice.
the elderly know why they are there.  to die.
be under no illusion.
the day you are brought in your fluffy slippers, in the car of your children to the gates of the 'nursing home,' is the day you cease to exist to all and sundry.
you are now entering the last level of life.  that is just letting the body do what it does, disintegrate.
in the process nothing else is allowed do anything.
you cannot exercise your thoughts well, you are not heard.
you cannot participate in community and society, you are not let.
you are told to take the mashed potatoes and the laxative and let us 'take over' your 'care.'
and its for the best.
no its not.
its for the dying process.
I am independent and will remain so, in this process a young woman or other is putting food on the table, contributing to her society, she is getting a just wage for a good and just job.
she is helping another LIVE!

Friday, September 23, 2011

well i am where the 'riots were!'
East London.
this is a good dollup of medicine i have to say, today.
we do the rich thing by going to the Lupus Centre and get the boot camp type run over by the medic there, then you get the medicine.  East Hackney.
No surer place to put yourself in your place.
poverty here is reeking from the market stalls, is etched on the haggard faces of mostly the africans and the muslims around here.
young children have kids hanging out of them.  that is teenagers now entering the adult role and world prematurely.
but then they do that at home as well.  but here it just seems way beyond the odds that they will surmount the bloody agony of disadvantage, lack of resources and chances.
they now have a kid dependent on them.  some will have this in the solitary capacity of the unwed, single mother.
you can see in the melee around here, how riots happened in the first place.
this is a melting pot for diversity but all disadvantaged.
this is not a place that the good lord major will chose to see, walk or stutt the stuff of these people.
this is not the place where they can even imagine.
i am more lowly they they and i couldnt have imagined this sort of living if i had not done a bit of strutting along the roads here.
forget it mate, when you whine the pain of middle class angst against the world.
there is no whining here, they is laughter and fun and colour and mess.
but the mess too is seen in the shabby clothing, no it isnt shabby chique, when i see this word what will it mean to me again?
it will not be the chique part, if i have spelt that right.
to stress out a fashion wear or furniture is not acceptable around here, for it reflects not recycling in the most honoured, it is reflecting recycling as a necessity, not for a green good earth goer
i am quite sick now of difference when i see it everywhere.
give me please a society that will honour its people with education and equal opportunity.
democracy has not provided that, so what will?

Friday, September 9, 2011

I had an interesting day at the office for sure.

almost two years of anxiety and involvement with the law enforcement agency in my little country of Ireland, played on my twin's and my mind.
I have  never been accused of a criminal offense before and certainly never anticipated ending at the local court room for petty criminals and traffic offenders, alcoholics and causing an affray!

a certain little missie of a garda, who was shifted promptly to the midlands, who was reprimanded by the Garda Ombudsman decided she was going to have 'her day in court,' well not so.
she did a sickie on this one!

she neither supplied the court with prosecution documents to the defense which she was requested by the courts to do before now, before today.  she evidently didnt get much support for her argument.
so on a warm autumn day my twin and i dressed in our finary turned up at the court room in our wheelchairs.  (Do you know how hard a courtroom bench is)?
we were early and i rang the solicitor worried, had we turned up on wrong day and had i missed my day in court, to be slapped with penalty points and a fine, all for the lack of turning up!
no court started at 2pm so we were ok.
a large woman with a strange haircut passed us.
she was wearing a sort of trench coat like the tv soap detective, the little guy who shuffled around in a battered car, whats his name?
anyway she passed and asked "you ann?' i answered in the affirmative.
"dont worry" she said kindly, "the Garda has gone out sick she aint turning up!" she told us that the case would be dropped.
along came our solicitor, with the bat ears.
nice guy, friendly today, much refreshed after the month of august off, very refreshed and refreshingly pleasant.
we chatted there for all to see out side the local crim court, about my dad's golf ball approach from the tee off.   we talked about his humour, his giving up cigarettes at 70 in order to stretch them legs around the course to whack the wee ball from tee to hole
funny game really.
anyway we then turned attention to our mother.
poor ma, she was a fantastic golf player, coming to the sport late in life she achieved the unthinkable. reaching handicap three in just as many years.  and was passed over as too elderly for the womans international golf team, mum never forgot that.
of her personality she was summed up as singular and formidable.
the solicitor remarked that 'she took no prisoners' which she didnt and the fact that 'she didnt suffer fools lightly' which she didnt.
on leaving court with a clear driving license i remarked to my twin, that I TOO did not take prisoners and i would see this little madam in the courts again for the worry she had put me through.
words are inadequate for what she did to us.
i came home and stripped, took the teeth out and lay up on the swinger in the yard.
gud it was great to be a free woman!
one problem has bit the dust, and we move on to the next.
and there are very much nexts indeed, indeed.
we have to source a house, see if i can get grants to upgrade a 'possible' we are to see on tuesday.
i am trying also to have my social housing unit boarded up with its contents inside and be moved into a safer environment in the interim of moving away from this county.
how can it be expected of me to pay for the priviledge of bringing a hammer to the bed with me?
this is a question that has no answers it seems with the professionals.
i have an answer but it doesnt hold much sway.
i should not be expect either to bring a hammer to bed with me or pay for this and pay for trauma on a daily basis, in essence.
i pay to be intimidated and face problems with men who just dont seem to want me here and resent me.
posh accent, which i cannot eradicate and no, i dont have the money to follow this.  i am as disadvantaged as they are, surely this is a fact they simply must know?
do flowers on a van make me a wealthier person?
an old tank of a commercial van with suspect origin and cranked up and down systems which is darn hard to drive for a person with muscle difficulties and pain.
i am not driving the latest plush by any means.
this goes i am snookered absolutely.

we then have great things happening on the national platform - we have a budget shortly, warned to be of a strong nature for us on the bottom, gud dont touch my disab pension nor that of the elderly.
do not touch my perks to get me through the winter in heating etc.
but of course they will touch em. they have done and will again.
those on the top of the economic divide has found no recession, there has not been one and a noted commentated fact.
then we have media out there now rooting out stuff in our social awareness and the way we threat more less able, the people 'put away' for convenience.
as in Mary Raftery's programme, 'behind these walls.' RTE tv.
not many responded to the shocking revelations, which also says a lot for the irish people,there wasnt exactly an outcry.
this has to be subject for debate within the university degree courses, on philosophy and psychology and also sociology for how can it be that not much of a squeak was made of the fact that we put away 21,000 of our own, behind grim high walls all for the reason of being different and for getting in the way of the farms and the inheritors of the farms.
does anyone understand the 'insulin coma' therapy lark?
yes, this is what i agreed to if i went into hospital as a voluntary patient.
read up on this scandelous practise, basically putting us into a diabetic coma, thinking that after a while comatose that once brought round, you would be cured of your malaise.
i never knew i was signing for coma therapy or ect if they wished to administer this.
you are usually in a mess at the doors of a psych hospital when 20 something and terrified of the world.
i had many times the wish "lock me away and get me out of here" attitude. i wish i was told that the world was not so frightening and 'i will help you lass, to learn to cope with the worst of it.'
but no, behaviour presentations of fears, anxiety and terror of another human person was equated with sort of lunacy, insanity or at least, just a tad bit wanting and psychologically challenged.
in a respect to them i probably was a bit challenged but i dont think with any stretch of the imagination that diabetic comas or blasting my head with electricity would make me any less terrified of people.
now as a response to be in the 'system' men and doctors are killer machines and i am terrified of ending in a hopsital now for stigma of mental illness in ireland remains very poor.
we still have to address major human rights negligence against us and them, the less accomplished in life, when it comes to brain function in the sphere of interactiong and interconnecting.
lets not wish it on another that they should be so challenged for sure.
i still believe i can be let die as considered delusional and malingering.
not so.
Life now is cutting edge to stay alive and enjoy the moment, the fact i never 'made it' in society or in economic terms is totally irrelevant.
the fact i tried to be part of it and ask for help is relevant to the way the health system works here.
dont get me started down that route.

my twin has noticed how weak the service providers are, how unwilling they are to step above their station to fight for the rights of their clients.
the feeling within them that they are unable to do this, outside their brief, and that is all up to their boss.
yep university graduates!
also a fact that stuff gets processed so slowly here and sometimes not at all.
the longer you wait and stall, you may think the client has forgotten and given up.
not this client!
'ah sorry, i have not been back to you,' says the social worker advocate, can she explain it.
nay, she made a phone call to someone, couldnt get her and just kinda let it all fall apart and didnt know what to do next so bail out for five months, thus leaving a client high and dry and she getting paid for that.
dispute over whether she was pregnant and about to produce a baby is also irrelevent for someone should have looked at the books for surely they would have found a paper file with my name on it and sourced the advocate, especially the one not pregnant.
no one told the non pregnant advocate that her client was looking for her.
she just had a different middle name initial from the pregnant one.
but also emails had been swinging to her email address and they were all ignored.
'sorry, i am sorry, i have no explanation for you.' was all she could mutter.
my explanation on this lassis is you jumped ship thats what!
you jumped out on this one my girl.
such is the irish professionalism. its grand to be the irish citizen.
but one thing the twin has noticed, we do talk to each other, we do converse, like leaping out of a parked car to admire the furballs one has in tow and mutter that they feel dogs are better than humans.
oh and chat on the high road of the school you went to, and she knew someone there, and did you know for fact that the Archbisop beside the school sent messages to the chief nun in our convent to remonstrate with our teachers for letting us do handstands thus exposing the knickers.
oh yes, he did, and how did he discover that we were exposing knickers?
well he had a telescope trained on the lawns of the convent grounds, how else.
oh and he also kept a jersey cow, whatever that has to do with it.
but he did keep a cow, it was a fine cow too, lovely eyes, gorgeous cow. really lovely lovely cow!
amen to that.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

overload of thoughts and social comment

Ireland and small minded professionals.
whether i can say it is small mindedness, will be for another to confirm but to me it is just this usually based on ignorance and lack of confidence.
It DOES take confidence to face a system, which you know as an 'insider' is rotten and unjust.
to do so would require bravery to step above the parapet to state professional opinion.
we are not good at this here.
but within certain state ranks and our health service ranks this should not be so...for few get the sack on this long as people do not do outrageous things, irish professionals are not known to be doing outrageous things, especially in being proactive to ethics and morality and fair play.
the small mindedness is taking offense when someone points out to them that they are doing a bloody awful job, recently such a statement was made, yes, by myself to a health official.
i felt he was, being the local primary care team social worker he didnt even know the chief medical officer who 'weights' disabled tenants points for housing and on the rehousing lists and who can be contacted in times of crisis, but this bloke didnt even know who he was, even though he said he sent a letter in to him!
how can you do that if you dont know he exists?
this is a worse kind of ignorance.
to take offense of your professionalism being question and not terribly nicely, but one must transcend these personal attacks from traumatised women, as i was to try get meself out of bandit country.  they should be noted in context, firstly and this is done by assessing the trauma, viewing the persons state and needs and assessing why the person has been so obnoxious, firstly and is it from bloody viciousness or born out of stress. in my case it was borne out of stress and terror.
i apologised and explained further that i was no saint and cannot be a saint in adversity but did apologise for my remarks indeed and meant it!
therapy is being processed as we speak - for me not the victim of 'alledged abuse'  ah we have used a phrase i hate in this context!
words can be abusive, but does that make the conservation so wrong that it is considered abusing a person?
you can say a person has made an inappropiate personal attack, or a person has been hasty in their remark but can you call it down right abusive.
very few of outrageous comments are abusive, they are hurt full and out of order, abusive all depends but most dont come into that catagory, otherwise we would have the whole world up on abuse charges of a magnitude hither unknown.

Irish to be a triving new country and modern country, irish professional who have the qualifications and thus the courage of their status should grovelling and snivveling around their seniors, we are an age where team work in health service is what it is about.  a social worker should be able to voice as seriously as a consultant, and should have the means to change structures if they feel strongly about things.
they should also take it upon themselves to report incidents where she/he feels are being neglectful and be able to effect change.
not so to say to a victim that 'oh it wouldnt be my position to go to the minister for health.'
her boss would have to do that! so she cannot be independent of thought, ethic and nor independent in speech, surely this is not a democracy where the lowly worker has no say in the grander picture, especially when her say would be valuable for she is at the coal face of things.
on a note of query on this one, should anybody be extremely harrassed and traumatised in her neighbourhood have to pay rent for this priviledge?  why should a sick and vulnerable woman be accompanied to bed with a hammer on the sidetable?
why should a sick and disabled person pay for this priviledge via her disability pension.
she is pay to live in unsuitable social housing unit, its threatening to her psyche and body and she still has to pay for this.
what are the rights of the tenants in this case and also what are the duties of the landlord.
when a landlords states they will get over the difficulty of how and where i can do my physiotherpy programme promised at home, that promise to overcome inability to do this had not materialised and not much of the other suggestions made at the time been delivered.
two people sign a social housing agreement and i want to see the forms which we sign to see if i am the only one who should suffer!
out i want and out fast.
i want my shelter boarded up by the council and myself removed to a safe area/haven until i can secure my own home.
i am engaging in something to morrow that surely makes me more than a bit nervious.
this is proving quite hilarious at this point.
kinda bizzarre so i shall get back in her to be able to tell the tale.
take care

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Organising your last 'phase' in life

I am calling this my 'wake up call' blog.
its not just about myself, its everyone and it is everyone because all countries, all states and all health systems and economic structuring are mitigating against 'difference and disability.\
if you cannot provide in the mix of the economic financial coffers, you are in effect, a burden to the state.
where democracy is going in all this is beyond me.
the thinking now in all countries is 'walk over, walk by and think not of those less able.\
This is FACT!
not a comment, an off the cuff comment by an aggrieved single person with a disability.
No, this is FACT.  If i was not such a disabled person i would still say it as FACT.
and why?
I am THE expert on 'Differenct' i am a living different person!
i live in the lower as it appears, stratum of society.
I am disabled, single, unemployed, on benefits, in social housing and compromised with poor sight, hearing and psychological make up, i am apserger!
so do i qualify amply to say what i say.
How can any other than the lower stratum speak of such things?
for a person entering a Life less Lived, i had to struggle with the economics.  I started in the decline of the 70's which saw my twin leave due to the 'state of the nation' and i pretty much end in the complete and utter bottomed out state, and i end on the bottom literally and metaphorically.
Nothing changed for me from the 70's. there was no meteoric rise out of poverty and disadvantage and most of the Life Less Lived was trying to do just this, get up there Ann and be with the best of them"
Didnt make it folks, and made enemies on the way.
That is Big time enemies.
try overcome basic truths, yep - i was a slasher in the Life Less Lived, slashed though the corn fields of rich abundance like a field mouse, with teeth!
i slashed my way to the A&E's that is our wonderful health system.
i was stitched and sent away.
i overdosed, pumped and sent away.
i drank into a comatose state, nearly entered a Life FAR BETTER to live and sent away.
i entered that zone of the 'Near Death experience" and sent on my way.
Tis was a pretty practised structure for me to get out of the brain of unbearable discomfort to Live this Life Less Lived.
it was decidedly uncomfortable to life at all, period.
So what have i friggin learnt?
well for starters, there are a lot of people like myself.
Not EXACTLY like myself but pretty much, we are collectively the sort of scrap-heap, you know, "ah here comes trouble"
do anyone really understand what they say when they say this.
For them such as i might be perceived as Trouble, for me i was damn and darn troubled, i was troubled and i caused trouble being so trouble.
Does that make me less, i mean apart from the difference I am still pretty much the same as anyone else.
i have them bones, them blood and them brain, eyes and ears, some of which are and increasingly are completely and utterly dysfuctional.
that said, i just wanted to live in peace and feel part of the human race.
woe is me i dont feel anyone gave me half that chance.
try it when one has a dysfunctional body and well, did i mate, did i ask my mother and father to join up "one last time" to pro-create the magnificent?
well they got what they asked for, it is a well known fact that the mother didnt want any more than two and the mother attempted the Billings Method, oh yes, another tragedy of Roman Catholic thinking - and it is still ongoing as i speak.
so we have two, yep i have doubled up on this and big time.
we are two disabled ladies with a difference.
I even drive a singularly different van with pink and purple flowers on, not to cause trouble and a stir, but think it has, but because i liked this idea and fancied this idea and needed this idea to fulfil the fantastical within me.
brought a lot of smiles and leaping out at red traffic lights, did my flowers.
So where are we on the title?
Organising the last Phase?
Priority listing:
(top ten like)!
ONe must find a home...kinda important in the 'last phase,' and NO, it will not be a sheltered home.
secondly it is to arrange that i will be treated at human, lately come, as is the house!
this is, in the hospitals for now i really am physically dysfunctional so i kinda wanted that cared for.
my plan is NOT to go into the 'Near Death Experience' but many times i have been pushed to the laundry cupboard in the virtual wards of a lot of hospitals now.
I do not mate want the virtual wards.
next on the organisational front, is to corral the medics in one room and walls, for my sake not theirs.
i presently have a consultant in every hospital this side of dublin and one the other, the north side, considered on the south side as being far far away and just too far away and unthinkable!
so the next stage to get the above is sit down with the directors and matrons (whats left of that breed) and discuss the plans as in, treat this body and stop abusing her psyche, as done in the past.
it is also late in the day to be pursuading the medics that this woman here is not a basket case, but she isnt and my twin will attempt to prove it to them, in an effort to keep me alive.

see, i am a companion to the chihuahuas and my twin, much to everyone chagrin that i have not gone away, i am needed still ( I think) i will also ask my tiwn that, so that it is a proven fact.

Next please, i shall organise the WILL, yep.  One must prepare and organise.
My will will be the proven fact that I am alive and that i took note on Life Less LIved and for those who helped me along the way, there might be just reward and fruits.  But be of no illusion, for those that bottomed out on this one, there will be no pennies in the pot, period (again).
one such organised plot is to make sure i have one person who will keep me in the land of the lucid,the land of the intelligent and the land of what is actually the land of normal persons, (I am one of them, believe it or not)!
i have made a significant 'other' a 'power of authorny. This is significant.
the tenant of this Blog is to be a WARNING.  one must PrEPARE, and you know why cos there are a lot out there who want to stomp, in fact most now do a lot of stomping on others, and the others are that lot that is perceived trouble. the perceived troubled and trouble have the least ability to keep my country afloat so many want me and similar at the bottom of the ocean, and thus is the same in every state and country now on the planet.
so once the organisation is on steam one individual should be able to sniff the roses and listen to the birds.
and when my mortal coil is shook or shaken then the rest of the populace can, do pretty much as they please, for thats what they did when alive and thats what they will do when i am dead.
the moral of this blog being ORGANISE your LAST PHASE of LIfe like tripping to the MOON!

Monday, August 22, 2011

a starting point of nothing

I am a bit nervous about to-morrow i have to say.
I need 'OUT' of the hospital for sure.
It looks as if the nurses believe i will be out.
But what has been settled?
it is fully understood that i intend to stay firm in the face of adversity.
i have told the consultants that my housing difficulies was, difficult.
i have told the hse community care team that i am at the end of the rope and will no longer put myself in a vulnerable situation in a violent and intimatory enclave where i feel threatened. where my person feels threatened and so too my mind and soul.
my heatlh as well is increasingly suffer.

when i though of my Pankhurst style stance in this i wonder would the history books read so well all for it?
I hardly think so.  we will see that identical twins lived and led a comparitively different life all told.
There is a doctor in the house after centuries and in those centuries the doctor was indeed a woman before her.
and yet, history will show that no member of this so called elite-ist family was ever in social housing.
but she is fine and did fine.
but definitely no one ran under the horse for protest, in my case lay down on the brown leather sofa in the hospital and claimed, sorry doc, no where to go and i aint budging."
so its a first, provocateur style.  "ah will you grab her by the ankles and take her off the bloody course." you may hear them say.
well, it will come to that.
there could be shame and scary tomorrow, but i shall do it for repeated shame and scary and downright overly scarey  when i had to take up a single residency in face of boozers all around another female none in sight.
need for justice takes desperate measures.
and so when the family too look back they will with shame, for they had a panki in the house!
and what does emily do, she shows up the men but in this case (the family). it woiuldnt go unnoticed amongst the war clans in these parts that an unusual presidence has been struck within the conservative, upstanding upper middle class family.
I will go down in history as an aggitator and my twin as an instigator.
well at least the nouns seem pretty similar.
so war may begin and the shit will be laid bare. and an emily panki is going to announce the truth, take a bow (not really) and return to her seat, (bed, really!) lets see what will happen this space!|

Sunday, August 21, 2011

When the Bees sting - when Cancers take over - when all is but a space for possibilities

I think for many, listening to the voices within and without about how one conducts oneself in life can be very hard indeed.

sometimes it takes a tumble to settled us down on that seat from which one can see more clearly and calmly.
its that time of quiet that a person can sift through chaos and despair and find some interesting clues and possibilities for way outs of despair.
Always the answer is within the self.
But not always the answer is entirely UP to the SELF.
the answer being a committed collaboration of committed kind people.
a bit of give and take,
a bit of holding back and plenty of boundaries and careful footsteps.

I would like to say that if a person in chaos admits that behaviours and presentations have been too strong for most to take and understand, it is not a 'given' to say "i told you so" and "well now, what are you going to do to change your ways?"
it is not about that.
certainly changing ways is the best way forward.
but changing ways means too that others must do similar so that the situation does not decent to the gutter again as it had before.
its as always collaboration.
one admits the faults and the others take stock and see how the faults occurred. the sick person is needy and also a kind sick person so the others must sit calmly and say "what on earth would make it better for her, even if only a small thing?"
for a person to be shattered to the bone, so much so that health is compromised with continuous hospitalizations one has to think that this isn't entirely about changing ways of behaviours.
it has to be about changing structures of care, relationships and understanding.
always in life, when we have a war on our hands, or in our lives, mediation of outside forces, intervention and 'clean up' are all expected from a idealist world that it has to be better than it was.
the 'clean up' should begin i hope.
lets hope that the junta is ready and that the foot soldiers are all fit and healthy to help clean the land-mines amidst the unfortunate who never wanted it this way.
No do not say - well, you now see your behaviour was in vain.
it wasn't.  it was a way of trying to deal with something with so many limits it was absolutely impossible to surmount.
the rage within was a consequence and the result was the behaviour seen.
this is not about 'i told you so.'
this is about perspective of all.
one is sick and tried.
others are maybe sick, did not try.  Did not try at all, it has to be said.
the ones who blamed and shredded and did not try cannot be smug now at what has happened.
what this has done was driven an individual to the base of rock despair with few choices, little help and absolutely no understanding whatsoever.

the sick woman will try.
she will also be a person now intent on personal integrity and a personal life to preserve sanity for self this time.
to preserve energy for self.
the individual life at the end is not going to be sacrificed for the many who chose not to be a committed traveller on a long road, which from now on will not be an easy one.
if by the short first bend a person looks right and sees the sick one, takes the hand in guiding together down that windy path so be it.
if that does not happen, it will not be up to the sick one to remain committed to a group situation where she is ostracized and castigated all for the sake of personal convenience of selfishness.
i, as the sick one will take personal responsibility for strong and childish behaviours, all based in exhaustion and despair, all based from a standpoint of little ability to do what was asked of me.
this responsibility i shall attain and work to hold from here on in.
but in doing this, things will change.
no longer will the use of this person as the scapegoat will tolerated.
each individual on the map of a small localized family group will have to judge concience and see if they had a roll to play in the disintegration of the confidence within a very sick person.
No one should be asked to sit plonk and told to shift arse on attitude when none are prepared to assist in change.
attitude, behaviours, loves, likes and comittments take actually a lot of COMITTMENT.
no one becomes exhausted for no reason.
no one would wish it that some take more of the responsibiiity than others.
no one would wish it for themselves.
so ditto amongst the human clan.
i shall commit to change and try the tolerance stake.
but i will commit to others only as far as my integrity stays intact and my life is respected and is within the bounds that can be a peaceful life with no overdue burdens of responsibility.
I wil take up the poison challenge to try correct the wrongs.
but i will take it up knowing the base for the past few years and never relinguish my belief base on this.
i will admit its been hard for others to face Awynah with her careering disability to manage stress.
but stress it was, and most uncalled for, unwarranted and unneeded.
all was and could have been avoided.
many now will have to look at Awnyah and see that she cannot be expected to fill rolls she is unable to fill.
she is but one single fly on the leaf.
so for this midget to cope will the bees stop buzzing around and stinging so hard.
will the bees start making honey to get us through the winter months.
i want my honey on my toast, by the fire with the other midgets in my life.
but no fecking bloody wasps a-ganging up on a single celled eggit please.
get off ye bugs and change and metamophasize into an agreeable beasty for all to enjoy and relish at the side of the coal grate, this coming winter and many winters ahead.
all cosy by the hearth of life please, with no more biting, bitching and blaming.
just lets all see what can be done for the change that is upon us.
i rest my case.
my prayers are done and dusted.
lets say too my friends i met another on this path here in a small place.
as taking the air for a walk with sticks i met a woman with a smile and a shock of ginger hair.
she is in my friends, knowingly, that her cancer is spreading through her body like wildfire.
and she could only say to me, we never know, but all we can do is live the next day.
who could disagree with this i ask.
who has it in their charge that one must live better than another when all have the capacity to help each other live better than at present or in the past.
jus help each other along this way.
the cancer is not far behind for all.
i am not sitting on that wall with the shock of ginger facing the horror of the next few months.
may God keep that beautiful woman safe in his arms as she faces this trauma.
i am gutted to have met a woman in so much fears for surely she must.
please help us all face these sort of things.
all the best from a weary woman.
and she is a good woman to boot.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

aspies, fright and such things as living!

ah well my friends you just have to give it your best shot eh?  this stuff of life which the native indians have sussed out and also the yogis - bears of the world. well done.
tis me being a tad bit bored and also a tad bit regretful as i reflect on massive storms and jolting of lives and traumatic experiences for all once they sit with the old Awynah here eh?

the only place to put the weary Awynah and her bloody stomach of trouble is in the hospital, single room MRSA positive.
clap her there, drip her up and stoke down the fire in that belly of hers, metaphorically, real and physical.
Awynah had a crohns collapse as well as nearly loosing the mind and brain, the one she thought was fantastic at organization and spirit, pluck and expertise.
Oh how wrong i was and oh how Mae a Culpa i was too, for those who know, please correct the spellin'
well this Aspie is setting down some personal boundaries, setting a simple goal to tackle the difficulties squarely, realistically and through peaceful means.
no longer throwing missiles which actually hit the target now, not just the walls near the target(s).
so no more ducking i hope.
we have to set a straight path to progress.
the crohns has calmed well, the injections of boots of steroids did the trick and i am recovering from a belt of a collapse, with the puking and shitting plenty.
as i recover i count the cost and lost of such a deshevelled few months with those i love dearly.
never ever destroy cos you are in mighty pain. do realize that everyone else is in pain too.
many who fight forget that the pain is equal and shared aplenty methinks by now.
so the plan is to go calm, watch the steps i take, don't gobble up ground and dust in the pacing frantic clomping 'march on.'
boundaries my friends, boundaries for all, for boundaries keep you sane and keep you aware of what you can do and what you cannot.
it is especially important for those struggling with health issues.
living with health issues means you absolutely MUST spare the energy banks.
there is little reserve to tide you by if the banks go bankrupt.
pennys not bucks, pennies not euros or dollars. just simple pennies of energy spent on others, for you care.  you do care so much.
but caring and sharing is the stuff of energy banks reserves.
we must share the energy reserves to stay ahead o posse.
well to gabble on i now have to tackle the fight against my 'no pay-rent bug" he/she has to be booted out of my skin and that of the one i infected.
thanks to St. Michaels A&E department.  thanks. you take your life in your hands visiting that there place in an emergency!
so the aspie is staying cool and very positive, tis great to do so in the virtual world but in the process the body is stilled great, with the googling and 'no speak' chat, which saves the vocal chords and the spin from the mind with overload of the senses.
Overload, my friends destroys the energy banks, thats there are bloody armour tanks going into the skull with wheels of iron and mashing up such simple buildings of brain and grey matter.
go smash some other bank now please.
spare me the steel and guns.
oh ann is on a roll with this one for sure.
so is the Mitzi, and the other Mitzis of the world all over.
creative havoc to save the many suffering people and saving the need for further suffering.
oh Mitzi there fighting for the protection of the unborn child from the dreadful consequences of contracting Rubella in the womb when being nourished to form a perfect human being.

Awnyah is now off to the scratcher with the internal guns ablazing with ideas for 'Positivity'
Awnyah faced demons before and took em on and won.
oh for awynah who shook the anti-depressants, the wallop and dollops of mega heavy drugs, the drink and fags.  all gone, up stakes and gone out of the body and soul of the 'oh please give me peace' body of Awynah.
As the attacked once said and gave plaques for evidence "when i sorted my head out the body fell apart" oh so true.
but with it i took the wheels by clench did i not, my attacked?
who can drive the van-o like the good old Awnyah todaysay!  who can stamp the grey with pink and purple and have you being chased down alleyways and lanes to red lights and more aflashing?  "Where did you get the flowers on that there van, i just HAD TO KNOW!"
ah sure thats what the Flower Power was all about, peace, cherishing each and everyone.
cherishing and nourishing and nurturing the weary.
my pink and purple flowers will sing from here on.  If i get out of Jail.
i have a charge to fight in the courts in September, bloody pipsqeak of a guard who got overload of power that day a year and more on Easter Sunday - never forget day that.
wait to September dear young guard who wanted to whip and adapted van from under the useless legs and that of the attacked as-formentioned above.
bloody hell the life of an Aspie and Attacked is a long and rocky one for sure.
but the welcomed bugs and bees buzz on and so must we all, aspie or not, there is some living to be done. so lets begin on a grand parade of celebration.
now what a belt of a blog on this one here.
blame the pump of all that whacking steroids on the blazing guns of the Awnyah todaysay.
oh good night my friends, good night.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Balance of Love 11

my 'part 1 of "Balance of Love" was unedited and i am ashamed, but enthusiasm knows no bounds.

I started off part one of this blog with the need to say that cruelty never ever produces good results.
also the way one learns is a thin line between too much love and no love at all.
and when all this is in the mix of childhood it is disastrous.
there is a small factor i do not understand fully.
where does personality come in when one is able to aborb the worst abuses and also the little of the best assets.
that is, in light of bullying some people do fare better than others.
so personality has a role to play.
there is one thing about mixed messages of bullying and love and love been given and taken away - very few winners in total.
that is why the balance of love is so very fine.
and because it is so fine, few get that balance which leads to the bigger picture of the entire universe being dragged up on a base of dysfunction and lack of attunement to the perfectness that is intrinsically inherent but never achieved.
but humans do make or break others, especially in allowing individuals to develop.
the roles then of parenthood are an enormous burden and the most uneducated role on the planet, not skills based at all! very hit and miss.

Most people can find many faults in their parents whereas they see few in their teachers.
thats because teachers are not the first so called educators and they are the first educated professionals!
from the vantage point of being the oldie in a dysfunctional system i see what has happened when cruelty whether conciously given or not has had an effect on others, other than myself.
where too little love and too much has had its own effects too and where there is an unpredictable element in the dosage as well, which can be equally destabilizing.
when i look at the ruination of one life, my own i write so that i can make a difference in younger persons perceptions of human life.
I wish cruelty of the 'known kind' to stop and for the known kind to be pointed out to others and taken on board.
I wish for young people to understand that you cannot lash love out there in vast amounts especially the wrong kind of love.
if you do not understand love and never fully known healthy love then you certainly cannot give it and certainly cannot accept it.
when mothers have so much power too on how they can distribute this love a person who does not receive adequate doses feels the power of it and will not be able to understand the very nature of power.
so cruelty, love, hate, too little and too much love is a vicious mix.
and when you meet 'Hurt' its Lethal.
i could have said all of part one and two in a few words - "everything in moderation, makes a mature person and a human person not a hurt person nor a sick person."

the balance of 'love' 1

Lying in my hospital bed yesterday i was down in spirit and feeling a rather dollop of self pity i am afraid.
I suppose given the circumstances many would be too.
i traversed the brain of memories to path my life in sort of slow and yet quantum leaps.
many questions struck me as the tears dripped away to dampen the pillows.
"what was the difference between my self and my twin?"
"What is the difference in 'cause and effect?"
"what sort of personality does it take for damage"
"what relationshiop does genetics play in damage both physcial and psychological"
deep questions you may think...we'll many have also said that i do think too much, too deeply and not for my own good.
we have heard all this before then!
When science looks at Twins they see a DNA match and start to look at these things, nature and nurture.
when my twin and i were growing up i only looked at part of this, the difference in our different way of viewing the world.
I thought my twin had a different personality but was it now more like it if i say she had a different way of dealing with a same personality and in chosing a different way has indeed developed into a different 'type of difference'
maybe we started from the same vantage point - frightened kiddies and frightened from the very onset of birth.
was it that one may have been slightly more than volitile to begin with and so took the volatile route and the other more sedentary and compensatory and took the quiet in the corner route, but the genesis was the same, brain damaged terror?
It does not appear to have been the case that my twin became more terrified as time went on, nor that i was just instantly terrified as soon as i hit humans!
also the fact that my twin has a poorly define childhood memory may be a reason why she chose the quiet route and her presentations were dumbed down as such.
maybe because i had a different side of the brain working (as i believe can occur in 'mirror twins,' which we are, one being left handed and the other right), i was visual and alert and became very honed to the visual and took great delight in the colour of life and all things around me.
my twin took delight in the stories she read growing up, marvelling at the delights within the written language.
These are all sensorial.  but none of the auditory senses, for music was not the stuff of our lives as being a significant mover of emotions in any shape or form.
If it was to be the school curriculum may have spurred us on to appreciate music yet it didnt, i never understood the classical and always found it hard to grasp as i did poetry, neither nuance caused a stirr.
my twins path was the sedentary and literal, mine the visual and active.
so with the terror, in my case of people i struck a path of terror within my way of being, frenzied and like wise excitability, i loved life to the core.  i also wanted to bring it to others that were around me but my excability was struck down too often than i care to remember.
my twin must have felt a 'no competition' feel in a verbose twin and her alienation from someone she didnt understand either.
she possibly stuck in her hell in the corner and i stuck in my hell very much out of the corner, running wildly around for solace and then belting to twin for further solace at every turn.
the solace and attempting calm at the frenzy within.
it was not reached.
Comparisons then set in mega.
"why cannot you stay still like Mags?"
"why can you not be good like Mags?"
and so with a slowly disintegrating family structure anyway we see the beginnings of a 'picked upon,' the bullied and the one used as the scapegoat.
who wanted a wild thing amidst a competing family of six where there were few perks of material or financial kind, hardly a decent meal on the table nor warmth in souls, body or otherwise, and within a family seeing the cracks of the strain all were now beginning to suffer not so much on the power of the 'twins' but there was endangerment in our lives, all of our lives, to ike out the love that was so sparingly available.
and for one who was the 'wild thing' apparently demanding such attention she had to be crushed at all costs.
further bullying and comparison probably convinced the twin that her stratedgy worked, that is to obtain the 'love in approval' that was so needed in all growing animals and especially in a brain that wasnt overjoyed in being amongst humans anyway.
twin must have realised quickly that silence, a turning away from society help eased the personal terrors but also must have soon realised that this very action then was considered the more exemplary of the two character traits between gentleness and abrasiveness.
then as my twin grew older she started to see in effect the one that was displaying need for the love so badly needed was causing her problems in getting her half share!
she became resentful of the difference.
and also the tranferal of neediness to her from me which she felt she did not need nor could she cope or provide.
she didnt want to be my 'mother!'
she rebelled to find the space she needed.
she must have felt the family was a lost cause and bailed out.
but she did too, because of academic underachievement.
Just like myself, i too a severe underachiever within an intelligent family yearned for adoration for what we could do, rather than what we could not.
so began the trail and trials for individuals trying to become individual and more so 'liked/loved' for how wonderful we are, as each human actually is, this 'how wonderful we are' was not to be over and above everyone else but equal to everyone, in the love stakes.
the freedom from one sort of claustrophobia gave way to a nurturing of self independence, especially away from people for my twin.
in my own life i never separated from trauma to such a degree, one would have to separate when leaving a country of origin with little reserve and at a very young age.
dynamics changed.  concentration changed.
by the fact of twin leaving  she changed her direction of concentration whilst i pretty much never had that distraction.
i played the unbroken record which never delivered and never realising it wouldnt...i leapt into the arms of safety and a 'maternal figurehead'  a person who both claimed she could 'cure me or help me' and also be a 'love figure' in the guise of an overzealous psychiartrist who overlearnt her craft from its own doctrine and from her own wish to 'help another,' a part of a person who may have wished to be regarded better in her own family for she too was the youngest.
she always seemed very needy indeed.  she needed to be needed!
I was on the slow track to disillusionment, pills and despair.
this had to take its toll on physical health.
to work on the genesis of illness one would have to consider trauma and birth defects.
does psychological trauma and the perpetuation of 'cruelty dynamics' of the 'mother figure' "if you do  not behave you will go to your bedroom/if you do not behave you will go to the hospital, cause an increase of physical toxins into the body on an unrelenting yearly basic, thus causing an autoimmune response breakdown?
Or at least make one worse than it should be?
Back to twinship.
 Could it be that Realising early that the presentation of calm brought about a better response from others, coupled with a better life path choice in career, to turn to be the very support role giver, made my twin release less toxins and so appear to be less sick and produce less autoimmune response?
Next to turn away from the twinship developments and the effect of 'bullying' to a persons personality and character.
factors to consider a) poor start off point, b) discovering the fact we were very deaf, c) discovering more and more about the damage done by the Rubella virus in the womb for we are rubella adults with Congenital Rubella Syndrome.
given these factors and a personality type or a manifesting as a character type - neurotic, verbose, going into triades etc, which was slammed so badly found this persons neediness  create havoc of injustice within self and cause then to self destruct unwittingly.
a fierce scream of hurt causing an already traumatised individual to cry out against the injustice of seeing her twin favoured above herself, cry out against the bullying and muck thrown at her herself saw an eroding of more and more confidence and feeling that she drove her beloved twin away from herself was annihilation a step too far.
and where did the 'mother cruelty' factor come in.
Mum decided she didnt want Ann anymore, and flung her out...but first linking Ann to what she perceived to be a 'curing factor' psychiatry and psychiatrist, for a young woman who now seeminly portrayed behaviours of er, madness :( .
Ann fled from the frying pan from the fire, as the tactics remained the same - shape up or you will be thrown to the wolves.
you wanted your mother to accept you, she had thrown you out, then the second person, in the shape of a mother tried to win your friendship, tried to absorb you into her own familial dynamics of dysfunction and yet when things got too bad for her she threw you to the hospital just like your mother who couldnt deal with your neediness throw you to your bedroom.
was it all too predictable?
It was, fears can be so strong...Lack of love so strong and misunderstanding so strong, it can tweek those that apparently 'make it and those that do not make it.\
I didnt make it and in the end destroyed my health in the trying.
i named this blog 'the balance of love'
you can kill off a person by too much love and too little.
in the first instance, there was too little, from my mother and family and in the second instance there was too much at too late a stage in life.
to have a balanced personality and be confident one has to have less cruelty and less love.
A balance.
you do not destroy people by bullying in the first instance, and thus making choices for that person all self forfeiting prophecies, nor do you 'smother love' that is give this sickly sweet love which is based on no no reward for good behaviours associated with developing maturation but punishment which will increase the persons own perceptions of being unloveable.
and when you have a poor start base in lack of love and bullying and of course a personality/character base you will more or less self destruct and i will continue this in the 'Balance of Love" part 11 in the next blog!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

conversation of giants!

This is a good one!

discussion for a brief period brought to mind tonight a thought.

the thought was instant, like a flash and not unknown.
the richness of education....and the difference in time of it, actually.

its all rather bungled up together.
 in this instance i think its pretty straight forward as i was only taking on one aspect.

It started with the fact that a certain person was rather nervous of a 'possible' court trial, to defend self from five charges.
"I am going to do a mock trial before we get to the court room."
yes, ok but this really got my goat.
I asked her what did she think my offense was - murder?
well it was not a lot to do with the offense, nor the court appearance, but Experience!

As in educational experience, as in what confronts you after your education or during it!

to me its simple.
you have the lifetime...of education...of living...interpretation....skills....and finally we have the results - diplomacy or complete and utter lack of it.
and both come from Education and of living that education and the results thereof.

there isn't a lot to argue about when you face paint and a two dimensional speaker of colour, vibrancy and intoxication.
You are overtaken completely and the paint wins hands down.
I dont have to debate that fact, argue over it, and neither do i have to be diplomatic to win cos there is no winner in this!
Colour wins.  Its vibrant, non verbal, non-judgemental, engaging and pretty safe actually, unless you kill it with 'overkill of 'palette-knife!'

On the other hand, the kill might come first so there is no longer the chance to argue the rights and wrongs and the disadvantages and advantages of the matter.
you work up to the prevention and in the process learn a valuable skill and it is pretty much diplomacy as in the skill of - Diplomacy.

Ah to be diplomatic when faced with the trials of life, the life-style.
in this there is no winner either.
one has to either win or lose and the odds are too great, so diplomacy wins hands down.

who is the better for their education?
a diplomate who negotiates the turbulance of mostly dysfunctional systems, disability, disadvantage and troubled persons with abuse issues and other?
Or a person who learns to understand their limitations through the engagement with a non-vocal medium that can if let, run amok before your eyes.
when one is struggling to contain the colour as it starts to go out of control you do tend to add more, take away some, a bit there and not so much here and omg, you cannot go any further, it gets abandoned or it succeeds.
there is no diplomacy in that.

we have a negotiator with the aggressor in one and we have a screamer screaming to contain 'oh jaysus its getting a bit beyond me, this.'
I am Green to be the negotiator and diplomat.
but very sunny about being a person who loves the soul in the surroundings where language is never uttered just that slight curve of the lip on the smile.
I have done pretty much as i have with colour.
i slashed and burned with the tongue as i would with the palette knife!
you win some you lose some!
you take a chance on this my friend.

but the diplomat works hard so that all win and no one loses, all win so that there isn't an outright winner and neither is there an outright loser.

but both have an essence of similarity - an achievement of understanding in the experience.

we have the peaceful peaceful calm (on the outer surface anyway) of the person who treads the boards with excellence and softness.
We also have the peaceful calm for the person who does not want to engage with language on such a level as to over power.
Experience has taught, one can crash out with overpowering language and not win that one, hands down.
so with the colourful language expressed in a non visual way you lose a lot.
with a relating tonal value of non grating colour but harmony one tends to win hands up and 'Ha, i told you so," (here she raises the hands), diplomacy of the long distance runner!

the lesson in the diatribe is 'Education is a life time learning skill.'
there are no outright winners and there is definitely no outright loser.
i win for peace.
she wins for being peaceful!
i state my case
The court case - may NOT materialise!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Learning Curves very Curvy

It was a seriously bad few days, but hopefully my best friend and dear sis is feeling a bit calmer and settled.
tis good she is away from me right now.  we have both needed this indeed.
it was a case of clashing titans really.  we are great when we both feel the responsibility is off each other - for each other.
i feel that but cannot say if my twin feels this too. but i guess we both yearn to be what we always were for so long - individuals in our own right.
this is what every single person wishes and even if you dont wish it, time will always make you what you are.
Living is the process of getting to understand yourself, your environment, what suits you best and what defo doesnt.
it is also a process in understanding what being human is, who you want to help along the way, what groups of people you have a deep desire to assist in life, even in little ways.
For my twin is those who have been sexually abused by Clergy, especially Adults who are a specific vulnerable group to which Law does not really help due to this 'age of consent' cut off.
In my case i have loved the elderly.
I have always felt that special need, burning need to ease the suffering i have seen in the elderly.
I see their vulnerability and i love to make them laugh and make them feel that they are 'special' and really they are for they carry the history and knowledge of the process and they in turn help the next generation and the next.
we deny this wonderful group of people the right to express experience which enhances their lives and yours also.
I never cease to be amazed at how stoical elderly people are, but then what choice have they?
many times i feel maybe i misread this as in reality it could be 'giving up' and 'sitting it out' to the day they lie down for the final time.
We do abuse the elderly.
we defo do.
they are so precious and they always have been to me.
I remember little dumpy Annie.  Ah for the Love of  Annie i would have moved mountains.
a nervy woman who brought up four boys in two bedrooms, one being her own and her husband, with a tiny gally kitchen and no bathroom whatsover and no running hot water whatsover and only an open fire for heat.
she who was worried each Christmas to get the plum pudding right.
it was massive, tied up in a big cheese cloth it was a large ball.
when it came for the pud to be placed on the plate all four boys would be summoned home for the task and they did the job well but with Annie dancing on tiny plump feet and shouting and wailing for the pudding's life as a complete ball of fruit!
The horror being if it 'fell away!'
It never did in all the time i knew her.
Annie left the door open and I used to take a break from my work as a graphic artist mid morning, shut my door (never locking it either) and run across the road to shriek up "have you got the kettle on?'
" Oh yes Ann come on up, tis on!'
we sat and she fussed and nerved about everything and i calmed her and reassured her.
everything was a delight to do for My Annie.
she was MY Annie, and always will be.
she loved you.  she just did.
she felt you precious too and used to try get me married off!
it was her burning desire to have me married, and it was my burning desire not to comply with her wishes!
it was part of the charm and fun of knowing my Annie.
But all people to me serve their time in my existence for very good reason.
I have a personality and soul and character that I do love people without a doubt but something inside of me wants to be mostly alone and free of people.
it has to be that way to stay the little bit connected in the first place.
its about the balance being kilted in the favour of silence and solitude rather than to communication and socially expert and experienced.
i spin so easily if my personal balance is not achieved.
why?  i will never know.
but this is the case.
If there are too many people in my life i become miserable and profoundly distressed.
i cannot cope with it.  Armageddon then arrives, we have what i call blow out, everything goes white! Like a 'blown' photograph, over exposed.
today the balance was right i feel.
 A coffee with Magda, a bit of the charity shops too, a bit of a laugh.
then it was to be with twin in that loving space to talk quietly and lie next to her on the bed resting and connecting so that both of us can continue in lifes path.
you do feel the better of the relationship if taken in bite size pieces and you are not left in a turvy.
we also sat on the swingseat and my twin admired the patch and said she loved being there, and told me i had created some thing special here.
what more could you want.
all things today were a happy mix of differences, Saffi played outside when i went on a dervish of a gardening spree for about two hours, who was in a heaven, i was.
its plucking weeds heaven!
then all going to bed in peace, feeling that resolution of the bigger dramas and life events will come about.
i hope my twin left with the saying she brought home to me last time
 "all shall
 be Well, And All Shall
 be Well, And All Manner
 of Thing
 shall be Well."  (Mother Julian of Norwich)

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Oh lordie, dearie me!

i can rightly say that was the mother of all thunder storms in my patch today, fork lightening, sheet lightening, clashes, bangs, hisses, water pouring down in rivelets all over the land, disruption as in earthquake disruption, cracking, smashing, moving great big volumes.
the running this way, that, belting, pushing and flinging - the sky had opened, it was armagedon!

my twin and i fought - again, but a baddie.

this will have to go down in history of the storm of the Ishael.

and the Duns for that matter.

there will have to be an essay on twinship, surely this has called for one without a doubt.

where is the woolly notion of twindom?
who did the dum dee thing and it wasnt just Lewis Carroll?
if the people really knew, like, they are so DUM!

also this is equal to a love-hate relationship.
cannot live without, cannot live with!

we bloody know all the whys too.
its madness.
You really HAVE to have stayed knotted in one room for ones entire existance to have the twiddle in the dum dee for sure.

if you did that, you would have been called insane.
we didnt, we became what we are now for not living together for over 40yrs and right now both of us are standing on our heads.

and both, to boot, putting on weight!

i hope by now that my language will be noted for its reference to a certain childrens book - which by the way, i never could understand either.
it was double dutch, how on earth the children of the day understood the stuff in that is beyond me.

i got that book at around ten and i felt an idiot not understanding it.  it was so tough i turned it all up-side-down and looked at the pictures!

to be serious.  every single person alive is totally and utterly different.
not even twins can claim to be any different.
yes, quite a bit is similar and a hell of a lot is different.
on the love side, we do that ok.
we both have to work out why on this one too.
i love my twin, can i explain it?
No, if fighting like this happened between couples they would be filing for divorce and cashing in the dosh.
my twin and i never seem to walk away, despite our horrible words of late.

also i think its because we are growing fat in a very narrow and weeny social housing unit.
to leave the room for another one to pass is the INSANE bit!
imagine if you wanted to turn on the telly and the other person was between it and you, that person would have to get up and walk out, when the telly was on, that person walks right back in!
at least prisoners only get these cell like conditions when they are confined to quarters for bed and lights out!
And i have to draw the line on dogs, large ones, are jumping in my bedroom window to land on my body before i am awake, thats kind of very very annoying to say so mildly.
this great big gallumping woolly on top of me without warning, yikes that is not good at all.
anyway we have kissed and made up (my twin and i, i mean), saffi needs to back off a bit though.

whats to be done, whats to be done?
will the 'forever homes' please march in right NOW.










Thursday, July 21, 2011

Unpaid work.

When i lose the plot i do so with flare and flourish and it is not a pretty sight, with snot running down, teeth wobbling in the mouth, drouling, spitting due to inability to form words well and tears which i shouldnt have for i am told my glands there are under power.
Not so when in a flourish it seems.
there has to be a theory behind that one!
not pretty either when you have practically bullet proof glass between you and the CEO of the local HSE office and metal doors on another.
Why, this is an area of high instances of drug and substance abuse, and few services.
but to cover all that, the lack of services - there are fallen trees climbing the wall racks and printing ink that isnt cheap either.
i must have picked one of each leaflet on all the walls and it came to a hefty file.  including one say 'Your health, your say." or something to that effect.
Like hell.
Chewing gum must now be the blue tack of the service for the police chew it on duty and the district nurse does too.
I had two chewers face me today.
NOTHING is done between the lot of them for people with disabilities here in my little green country.
we have paper trails going down the length of the liffey for each person in Ireland.
Who pays a sick person to try sort social and health problems when no professional seems to have the resources, will or much to offer me, and certainly i dont get paid for it and its very hard labour.
I with asperger am fighting the HSE for very basic services, ten years down the road with the Archbishop of Dublin with no solution.
Buying houses, dealing with solicitors, estate agents, sorting out surveyors, court case of a minor vindictive law breaking stewed up in spite by a young woman who has been disciplined by her own superiors.
How can a person keep this going as well as organising food collection, ceoliac diets, special boots, driving a sick twin to clinics with no doctors appearing.  pissing rain, driving the bloody roads daily on health duties and using the phone for duties to a person who could do with some help.
It is this sort of thing that i can  understand how a person takes a gun out and after the spoil shot him/herself.
when people sit around and do nothing and are fit, healthy, earn a wage, have a qualification from a third level institution, a pensionable job, (none of these geezers can be sacked) what am i to do who is clocking up miles and no one to put the bill to.
How can it be that such a person as i for forty years was deemed as sort of 'mentally deficient and incapable' be allowed to buy a house, deal with solicitors, surveyors and a person with Parkinsons disease and make sure the small social housing unit is organised like a boot camp so that order is contained.
what was the thinking behind psychotropic drugs in bucket fulls down my throat for a condition i never had but still be prescribed in the name of medicine?
what is the point of stuffing me when i am now acting as business woman, social worker (for another social worker) taxi, telephonist, accountant, Occupational Therapist, nuititionist, and physiotherapist. Oh i now have enough education to act as a house assessor and estate agent too!
and yet i am driven in despair to belt down metal health service doors for help for i cannot continue multitasking with the conditions i do have now.
it is no mean feat.
I feel betrayed by all and sundry, family, housing, hse, clergy, medicine and consultants of every description bar one.
and i now have to try and get rid of MRSA which is back again in my failing body.
you cannot be allowed break walking sticks against metal to get help.
You cannot be allowed face highly qualified personel with great jobs for life and booted to the police when they cannot sort it.
to sort my situation is to give me basic help and support.
the history of one person says it for most who are disabled and sick in Ireland.
we bandy around the services like rattle snakes hissing.
all the while my files get thicker resembling a tome equal to the bible and costing carbon foot prints.
its a waste of money, man!
waste of ink,
waste of time,
waste of education,
waste of skill.
waste of money,
waste of space,
waste of trees,
waste of transport (they have to be carted around like albatrosses, for they surely must be that if nothing else).
all the while the world moves around on its axis and the sick do not by God.
i shall have to end a rant, for its not very coherent, but one thing does not add up in this failed economy.
why spend 36million on a local seafront, and zero euro on social housing for sick and disabled and disadvantage?
we have a monte carlo town and a harlem back street where staff hide behind bullet proof glass and metal doors, chewing chewing gum, taking phone calls and writing that up for posterity.
the sick will always be with us, as too the poor, but the wood of the boat will sink many times.
and even the design fades, but not disability.
sick of it.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

condemnations plus plus and such fruits of politics, NO.

a spirited speel in Dail Eireann today by Enda, our guy at the top!
It was good, and right for sure, no disputing that.  I hope it will bring the change that is so badly needed.
a few small things did niggle me as i wriggled through this speach.
we are, according to our man at the top, a 'modern nation,' 'a republic' with our own statute books and laws etc.
Yes, we are a state in our own right, modern is debateble, republic too is very debatable.
we are in the claws of others who are basically running our finances for us!
we are broke, down and out!
Modern, NO.  A very big, NO!
I wish to clarify why i feel this -
this is an immense area to clarify for it crosses all spectrums of society in our 'modern, republic of Ireland'
The agendas are immense.
we are very 'down' in our human rights status across the board.
We are continually being pulled up by Amnesty and other commentators for our Mental health services, abuse, no specialised place for young women and boys who have mental health difficulties.
We did not follow through on the superb work 'Vision for change'
Nothing has been implimented on the promises made there.
We have been pulled up for not having an appropiate housing place for young offenders who come from troubled backgrounds.
We also have a severe problem with State care of those young people who have been taken into the care of the state for safety reasons.
they leave care with no basic education and left to fend for themselves almost right away.
We also tend to lose our young children and teenagers in care, they are not assigned a specialist social worker within a timeframe that is reasonable and many end up dead with no accounting for their deaths or records of their time in care and specialised provisions, files too are lost in a melee of inefficiency.
We are letting down CHILDREN in care, in mental health services and in the young offenders centres, in education and in disability.

We have slashed the Special assistance needed for children in main stream education.
We have a struggle to provide for Autistic children.
No specialised unit for Cystic Fibrosis, yet we have the highest incidence in Europe.
Ditto Down Syndrome and Intellectually vulnerable are left in out of date accommodation with no adequate facilitities to integrate, educate and socialise, even sleep in!
Our drug addiction programme has also gone awol and detection and monitoring has bottomed out, with gun crime at a high never achieved before.
Metadone does not work!  Period!
We do not recognise Psychotherapy as a valid form of intervention for some of the categories above and we favour psychiatrist above all else.
psychiatrist are the runners of certain systems which incarcerate human beings.
we have a pharmacologoical regime of treatment and no other.
the 'care in the community' has not been achieved ANYWHERE and many are struggling in social housing units, in just about anywhere.  they are left, they have no skills and still remain with mental health issues and no intervention or follow up at all.  two so far, that i personally know of, have died within a short time frame in her own social housing unit.
she did not cope at all well.
Neither did her friend who died within months of her.
we do not have enough neurologists to deal with the amount of people presenting with neurological problems, see Prof. Orla Hardiman, beaumont speak elequently on this one.
We still have long waiting lists for colonoscopies which is outragious, even barium meals now have long lists of people waiting.  Privately this costs 265 a shot of chalk down gullet!
I know i have to go for that soon.
Effectively or 'ineffectively' we have no effective health service at all.
Modern Ireland isnt looking so good right now eh?

Recessionary cuts.
Pensions for those with Disability have been cut TWICE since this government got in.
these people, this sector need every penny they can just to survive, that is before they er, Live!
Fuel and electricity allowances have been stopped and i am unsure if 'living alone' allowance has too.
Has the tv licences and phone units allowed beein stopped too?

No suitable specialised adapted units in my borough has ever hit the drawing board for people needing a home who happen to be on the social housing list.
Now all such intended works to make better provision for the unfortunates on housing lists, medical housing lists have now been informed that all will be considered as housed if they are in rented accommodation or have a roof over there head, irregardless of whether that is as a family or jamming up in an extended family, also if that means the housing is totally unsuitable too bad, tis a roof.
the housing stock will not be refurbished now.
and recently all the care of each housing stock has been put under the duty of the tenant to keep up to perfection, even privately rented accommodation the landlord was responsible for outside duties of the premises, and danger alerts too.  but in our boxes, not homes, just small spaces many in bad disrepair we are in charge of everything absolutely everything.
yet we pay the council for the priveledge of having substandard housing for need.
we pay bin charges.
parking outside our own social housing units.

We have not enough money to employ Personal Assistants to help citizens of this 'modern republic' engage in Independent Living which is our right in the charter for people with a disability.
we can be shunted into places against our wishes and before our time.
most of the auxilary specialists are now part time in the community.
such a work load left is impossible, is fractured and also unworkable.
communication between professions is poor or over good where juplication of records and notes are forever.
my file with the social worker right now is as fat as the Bible.
I have had him over a year i think.
a lot of paper and nothing to show for it.
case conferences too take money and nothing comes of them.

Hospitals now.  (This getting better?)
'I cannot respond to every complaint we have so many.'
said to me today.  She who picked up MRSA within the space of a short week in hospital.
neither can they guarentee that men will burst in when a patient is starkers and washing alone in her room.
nor have security men barge in either and the door porter, all can barge in without notice or warning and they cannot guarentee that this wont be able to be stopped in future.

Our elderly too are in a poor state with less services now.
Our modern society Ireland has taken on board the 'individualist' agenda of the rich kids growning up to 'further their lives' in the boom times, in other words we have a pack of 'me feiners' who no more know what disadvantage is than the spy eye of the man made of cheese on the moon!
we have no morality as seen by our crash,
no ethical standards.
promises are broken.
we have a culture of gombeemism where nothing really gets done.
we have a culture of under the pissing rain complain about all and sundry and do feck all, aka after the mass on the parish wall swinging the legs and smoking the cigarette, thats where our policies and proceedures are dreamed up.
Enda may have been there behind the billowing green garment of the priest as he stands sentinel outside do a bit of hand shaking too and working 'policy' with a smile/smirk.
I have said enough.
we are a modern nature with a third world country and a bog irish dynamic to sort difficulties which have yet to be sorted since the founding of the state and more following suit due to cut back.
oh, there is no recession in Avoca wicklow, the handweavers with the pricy coffees and potato salad at E8 a portion.
how do i know this, twin and i dropped in after a bit of jumbletown collecting freebies, and asked an attendent how the crisis was effecting business.
oh we have no recession at Avoca.
NOPE, wasnt reflected in the crowds, the attire, prices and eating habits!
we have to become Modern to be able to say we are a Modern state!