Sunday, April 17, 2016

i am very tired

it would be nice if someone loved me 'proper'
i am sorry i have not given a post for you to read but i have been unwell and live 'health issues' daily.

once in a distant past i was a oil painter, with a studio, long walks and cups of coffee and plenty of chill and totally stress free in the main.

being sick in ireland banishes all that, for hidden in the undergrowth are the snakes.
and there are a lot of them despite St Patricks best efforts.

You die a little each day here, in despair.
you are very aware there is not healthcare system.

As my advocate said to me a few days ago, not only do you get so little but you are not even in the door of healthcare and this is so.
after the battle royal of years and years and years.

the decline is terrifying me because i know its happening faster than it should.
the stress is utterly unbearable and its cast upon my shoulders by our healthcare system.

oh to have something 'good' back in my life, that i breathe fresh air, not the same old stale arguements over and over again, about the same things over and over again.
the battle for health care is about the same things.

realistically the needs we require are basic on one level and then some sophistication is needed on another, but two women living alone and all they are getting is people helping around the house and one gets an injection once a month but thats it in community care.

hospital care in the public system also is a terrifying experience, some journalist write excellent articles on people weeping facing the walls in a'e up and down the length and breath of ireland.

we have abuse scandals daily also all across the land, toppling upon an already dysfunctional system.
the cracks are not just cracks they are chasms wide and deep and never ending.

our minister for health, presently 'acting' minister for health can hide behind a clause.
that he isnt in charge of health.

we have no where to complain abut our care, all complaints are simply left on a shelf, and staff then become obnoxious and the war then is to be heard over and above 'groupthink' and prejudice and being labelled many things but mostly a trouble maker.

but would you call a 63yr old a troublemaker because she wants some help at the end of her days?
is this actually trouble, or are the trouble makers the ones who are supposed to be providing professional skilled expertise glossing this fact by stating this fact 'we are the professionals.'

we have seen response to TD letters from the heathcare services, stating they offer a professional highly skilled service to us.
we get nothing
i am sorry, nothing means nothing and that doesnt include 'professional highly skilled service!
it means - we are getting nothing.

a lesson in lip reading should give the ears a break from this type of rethoric.

the agenda now is to make sick and disabled people across the globe feel utterly useless, helpless and worthless, its a ploy its called 'conservatism' but its also called fascist hatred.
we are but the useless eaters of resources.
but i have been down this road before about the quality we offer others because we happen to be sick.

i have been in A'E recently, brought there by ambulance with incredibly head disturbance.
i am a public patient.
ward rounds even in A'E is about 8am, i was told i was to go home.
i saw no consultant neurologist, not even my own one.
i said i wasnt going until i could sort out what is going wrong with me.
they sent a registrar who did a shot of steroids up the back of my skull.
it didnt make a blind bit of difference but it was a wonderful ploy called 'fob off'
meanwhile i watched an entirely different drama in the next bed.
a woman with private healthcare got to see a gentleman of a consultant, kind, soothing and calming.
he was taking his patient in for an MRI scan and to sort it for her.
i got a very different approach, begging for the same i was told 'this is an A'E you know.'
by a young overworked lad in scrubs, yes i said, i do know that, i came in in an ambulance with rocket high bloodpressure and blood sugars and my head was going nuts.

i didnt get to see the neurologist.
well at least this time there wasnt the pretense of being put in a side room for five days and left.
that was awful.
this time i get to sit it out at home, until i go private for the MRI scan, which i had today, a sunday.

when everyone is having their sunday roast i was having a scan organised through my GP

i had another 'turn' last night, i didnt call the ambulance, i was VERY scared.
at 3am i gathered my blankies and drove into the estate towhere my twin lives.  i went to bed, or tried to but when i got home again at six i was feeling so ill i went back up there for a few hours, the 'turn' did ease and i rested most of the day.

words now on a facebook discussion is for me pointing me in a direction i should investigate.
but now we do hospital consults through facebook patients, becuase sure as eggs is eggs, we wont get help in the hospitals from consultants who are paid a packet but we get it from kind people suffering, who will give it for free.

my twin informs me that the doctors now have a word for those who scan the net for solutions and treatments and diagnosis, its derogatory of course and pathological, something a kind to hypochondria.
well, i am sorry when you are left in a corner and expected to die with good grace, i couldnt care a shit what i am called by a man in a suit over and above people trying to help each other get the best out of each day, which is what being human is.
most people who do this are sick, and need answers.

if the doctors are miffed or pissed off, they should examine their own concience and also their souls and pay package, judge their moral stance on their own job and come down off their high and mighty.
like all of us you still have to drop your drawers to go to the toilet.

the difference is with the tag of Dr. comes might arrogance, grandiose ideas and off richter principles.
but certainly like arse for those who can pay and abuse those who cannot.

it is abuse to leave sick frightened and in the unknown when they are seriously ill.
so abusive that in one family alone you can have a person getting no treatment at all because they havent got insurance and are poor and drew a short straw, and those getting care at the top level of insurance.

this is morally unethical when health is your wealth.
its a crime against humanity not to provide for all equally.  somehow health of the nation is number one, and that is got through by people acting as if they recognise that pain and suffering is obhorrent if it can be alliviated.

if you stand on the side lines and lick arse to a private patient then you are in business not a caring profession.
you have sold your soul to the highest bidder.
and you get grumpy if we are disgruntled and shout and do whatever you get so flipping annoyed about.
but the power to rein in these wild horses should be in the people.

telling a top patient organisation through email today of my experiences jn in the past few weeks she cannot understand why ireland doesnt care for its sick, she is in europe
oh but i can and i give her more details of abuse 
she asked me why do people accept it and not protest.
this also mystifies me too.

we just dont do that. but we DID, so whatever has happened we do not do it now.  Normalising getting nothing by sitting back and doing nothing is accepting defeat, accepting that you are not worth it in the first place and actually you are worth it and no matter how many people tell you you are lucky to be getting what you already get, let me tell you you are darn unlucky to be poor enough to get so little meaning nothing.

i didnt ever think i would be this sick.
but i also tried to work in employed paid work, some of us had other skills and work styles./
i wasnt interested in the Moolah, i was a creative individual and offered what i could for free to those less well off.
but it actually never really dawned on me how fascist states are rising towards the end of my days and hate crime is rife and you are sick and no one cares any more.
i didnt actually think this would ever happen.

i believed in people so much i gave what i could of myself to help those who didnt have as much as i had, and i didnt have alot to be honest, but i still felt people were worth it, and i enjoyed helping and loved being of use.

but money is so powerful, enjoying being of use to a fellow human being actually is now defunct.
its not an emotion riding high on the scale of things.
money is.
you will do it if paid, but otherwise no.

so its pervasive, the poor will die and the rich will live, but holy ireland celebrating one hundred years of peverse greatness is allowing the people they elected to run all over the lives of the people who elected them
now THAT is perverse, to me it is anyway.