Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Being a twin

I would like to really understand others' view of 'twinship.'
Many know of the conjoined twins and  when the mothers say that they will make sure they remain so close because they were in actual fact from the start. Wrong.
separation is normal.  Separation for any human being is normal.
Separation for twins is not only normal but essential.
its the closeness that will get to us in the end.
the Expectations of the relationship.
We, as twins see the relationship very different to others see it.
My twin and i have been essentially, 'divorced' for over 40yrs.
What is it about perception that most think that we should love unreservedly, be as close to each other as we were at age 7yrs old?  No one can quite comprehend a twin murdering her other half with fighting, rows and squabbles.
Right then, who left the toothpaste cap off?
Now you understand.
its the little things.
I do things differently to the twin.
when she plays with her dog in the snow at 8am and i do the dishes at that time, that is dancing to a different tune, with the drum beats at odds.
who wants the dishes done first so that she can play in snow, knowing on return you can find a warm and clean place to bed down?
ON the other hand, who wants to play first, because she finds it difficult to get close to the day any other way, that early.
my twin does do things differently.  Very.
Are we mad, bad or indifferent, to squabble?
Actually 'NO'
She is my sister, I am hers.
she has been away 40yrs, returns, changed from experience and disabilty.
she is a social worker, i am an artist.
and the gulf between is the pacific not the Irish Sea!
Do we love each other?  "Yes of course we do, you Fool!"
We brought each other up!
Do you want the best for the twin, yes.
Do you worry, fret, riddle yourself with anxiety for your dear twin?
"Of course we do you f...idiot!"
We are blood brothers (actually sisters), so we love each other, we are twins and have that bond that no other has, but its not a marriage.
It is not a contract to Love her and no one else til death do us part.
It is nature gone wrong.  An older mother who had twins, and this is what happens older mothers, more likely to have twins.
so we at the end of a tired line, are twins.
Did we chose it, no.
Just as we chose not to be married, in church, in a civil ceremony, in front of the buddha or the Irish sea, or the back yard pond.
we are not married, period.
Here is an experiment - try flinging two women aged 58yrs old together, both with neurodegenerative disorders, having not lived under the same roof for over forty years and say - "here you go, now look after her and you look after her and live together in harmony for the rest of your life."
thanks mate, try it when a fabulous dog leaps from the snow thick with snow balls right onto your face as you try to rest!
not fun.
do you love that damn dog, passionately actually, but no, i dont expect a black woolly mammoth to leap from the stomach high snow right onto my bed, lep across my own middle and brush that coat of her, against my flesh with pure, cold ice balls.
Does my twin too, want to be plagued about whose turn it is to wash up.
No she doesnt, does she have to?  No, actually she doesnt.
who is happy though, not I for sure when i am dead beat and need the dishes washed.
So we have difference.
How many of you are advocating the rights to be just that, 'different'.
it doesnt seem as if the call for acceptance of difference comes when you have an identical twin sister.
its all in the twee perception, that the blood in our veins is the same and its a heart to lung thing, that is two hearts to lungs, and its circulating in order to make both halves breath, get the oxygen (and the energy) to cope with illness - and to be a twin.
She is presently reading the papers, i am shut in bedroom watching birds and typing.
we are different.  And the same goes to every twin alive today, who carry the burden of the inheritance of a twin.
and the burden is thus because others place that upon the shoulders of twins who know our differences and no one else wants to see that, this is so, this is the way and this is actually, 'normal!'
I love my twin and her mad dog, Saffi.
without a doubt.
but i want myself and independence, without a doubt.
we are bonded and wrapped in love and support for each other, end of similarities, bar the walk in the snow with my chihuahuas in our coat hoods, to protect their wee paws getting frost bite!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Such a stressful time for everyone

I think the Government of Ireland do not have a clue about the people trapped in the vice of this present economic crisis.
Not one family member of mine has gone untouched.
what it has brought on a personal level is splits, stress, strain and unbearable sorts of decision making none would have thought of even five or six years ago.
How many in the present Dail actually SEE.
this is a word many know about for not to SEE as in vision terms is the dread of all, or most.
not to see, colour, people's faces, laughter, children.
but also one doesnt have to see pain, the furrowed brow, the tears ready to burst forth, even though the voice be strong.
what exactly do the members of Dail Eireann actually see.
How many have walked amongst the people now facing ruin, facing huge choices, people facing life changes none would have considered.
businesses going to the wall, others straining to keep theirs even afloat, the terror for the children, the terror and fears for the future of many who have new borns, those who watch the younger 20 something wonder what the hell to do after their Arts degree and who suddenly find they are not trained up enough, when once they would have considered they were.
even if no, many of these youngsters would have gone on to the MA and the Phd, but where is the spare cash for such a luxury of sitting in libraries, being educated when there is that flat to pay, the food for the mouth and heat for the body?
what are my young nephews and neices facing?
how many of their parents will see them drift away, drift and the parents put all, all the power they had to bring them to maturity and a setting forth on a life, only to drift away before their eyes whilst their own hair turns grey naturally.
where was that dream of being the grandfather or mother, able to play with the kiddies on their knee by the hearth?
there is no certainty for anyone, when that happens, where is the joy and optimism?
what does a celebration of a child's birth actually mean when the falsehood behind one day is the next and the next, the strain.
Tell me if anyone cares to, how on earth does a person stay strong and positive in the face of economic and financial ruin, crises and hopelessness.
when you are single and alone, with no young people hanging out of you, no child taking up a room due to inability to move left or right or out, it could be easier than trying to cope with a multiplicity of jobs, careers, business straining to stay even in existance, new babies entering to uncertainty/
will the TD's be the only ones sitting for the vintage vino this christmas, the lights down low, the velvet rich covered chocolate and a full belly, how many too will resign on the fat salary after the fat meal.
when the hope is only that tomorrow is the shortest day of the year and so the long haul actually to the spring, is that all really there is to hope for?
ah i guess its enough, we will see the daffodils pop through in the new year, the snowdrops strong and sturdy through the snow, the crocus then and the ice melting off the rooftops with a slow plop.
less birds looking fluffed up like a puff ball and maybe so that little robin i have seen all winter doing the huddle will be the actual robin i see smart and fresh in the spring, if i can think so it would be enough joy for me.
alas not many can see this far, and the Dail sees neither the robin's struggle nor that of the human society they have left in tatters to pick up the tabs of crooks, and robbers of a despicable kind.
the crime of the coppers.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

It was raining cats and dogs - and more snow!

Many a lesson was learnt this week indeed!
taught by 'Peanuts,' a neuropsychologist and also Colm Murray, who has ALS.
Peanuts became 'love in a tiny bundle' but the other chihuahaus, mature, sedate were having none of it. One distanced herself so much not even i counted!
the other just curled into a ball, that feathery tail screening her eyes like a fan and pretended she was dead.  Notwithstanding the eye opened now and again to peek over her fan to watch the devil incarnate on Her patch.
the devil incarnate fell in love with me, I am sure of it, and i with him, but he had to go for harmony's sake, so he went and i believe he will be 'loved up' by Brenda, she already felt he was her favourite so maybe she will keep him, she is keeping his name anyway!
so Peanuts taught me never to upset the status quo, well i have already done so, so pee peanuts came too late.
Now the other teacher in my life at present has to be Mark, at Beaumont the neuropsych.
He was tired the day we went, you can always tell.  Did we blame him?  not at all.
We are awakened to the 'situation,' yes, we sure do have a 'situation' here in this country of ours, in our health service, overworked staff.
but he is our leveller, just levelling twin and i out, so hope he doesn't flatten the good old spicy bits down, who like a flattened out twin?
Finally it was Colm Murray who stole my heart for bravery and courage who spoke with good humour and reality now that he has been diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy.
As he recalled his 'finding' he did suspect it, long before its final official dx by a pro.
How, he did the google bit.
Who doesn't.
When one is very ill, you do the google.
I believe most professionals do this as well actually.
If i had not done the google i would be lying here in a mess and not knowing certain whys, and certainly knowing that almost every medic in the land would short shift me out of his clinic/surgery as soon as clapped eyes on me.
I had seen it, and experienced it.
when one woman, who was believed to be a bloody nuisance in A&E's for her sadness and her actions because of sadness took her life into her own hands and became a rock of determination, they didn't know what hit them.
I didn't ask for more of this torturous abuse, i walked, and i complained about the consultants.
I put it on record exactly what i thought of them and then finally pushed a yellow sheet or sheets of Papers in front of a neurologist and demand he sign.
He moaned and groaned, "i dont do forms, my secretary does that."
"not these she doesn't, doc. you are actually needed here."
It wasn;t easy, always he was 'too busy' or 'oh, where did i put that form.'
and of course the raised eyes etc.
once the forms got lost so we started all again, with new forms and i actually put them in front of him and said, "now doc, whilst i am here will you sign this."
the eyes went blank as if to say 'what are these?'
"well you know i am not happy, and i wish to go to St. Toms for a second opinion?"
his glazed eyes tried to concentrate and he remembers, ever so glinty.
'and doc i need a bit of historical detail and a lot of persuasion on your part to get over the hump past the airport boundaries, as the HSE have to sanction this, like/
we got that far.
I was to go to London, hospital and all and keep receipts.
after the event of one week where more was discovered there than in five years in Ireland, i put in the costing of the trip, one receipt was sent back, are you ready for this.
the HSE would not fund the bus fair nor the cup of coffee and bun i had at the airport on the way out and back!
so i could get to London but not even the cheapest transport would be funded to do so.  flying was a given otherwise i couldn't go, the cheaper option, swimming, was simply not an option.
right, good old Colm Murray probably did receive a good deal better treatment or attention for Colm was Colm and Awynah was herself.
So too, we had a week and a half.
as i drove home last night late, withnessing the last christmas party taking place at the hostelry we stopped off at for a meal (for the second time in a day), my twin announced "i will not forget this year."
to which i responded, "I doubt you will, my friend."
certainly not that day, would i.
drove the cat down to the vet, who was determined to give the twin ten lashes for trying to catch her, visibly seen on the palm of her hands and vERY painful looking.
she got jabbed for her pains. vaccinationa actually.
then it was home to bed for me.
I had done a massive shop at dunnes, collected yet more plants and pots from twin and settled down for the eve.
the phone rang, saffi had collapsed.
twin said she was going to call a taxi.
but i felt i wanted too, to be with Saffi for who wouldn't, saffi is a dog and a half. more than a dog and a half.
we all drove into the Vet hospital at UCD, rapid transport style in the bus lane.
and saff was put on a drip and given antibiotics.
Saff survived the night but twin and i hardly did.  she was worried, i was too tired.
and then the snow came, the bloody snow which might put the twin back in leaving the home she is to vacate on monday.
Most things are in prep.
i have brought all her plants here, someone else promised to keep them but that hit the deck in a big way.
i also brought bedding material, not in the shape of straw but probably the next best as twin poor twin is a fussy bed material chooser.
she has packed, we both have worked very hard indeed, with the paperwork, the business side of signing off a home.
we have also worked very hard and with purpose in dealing with trying to find our 'forever' homes.
Never would anyone think that a woman who is so collapsed in brain matter of the mental kind would be up to defeating it (and them), defeating the belief that i was a half wit and trying to defeat the innuendos that are currently flying, be able to juggle so much when so very unwell now, in a physical dimension.
never could it be thought that twins with neurodegenerative disorders, could actually do all this entirely alone and very successfully, they didnt chose to do it alone but we are quite proud of our achievements thus far.
also finding two properties, having them assessed and further reviewed tomorrow, was not what was thought of my twino and i, as we plough through the dealings with adults in an adult fashion.
on our recent path we have met many very kind people, not a one was against what we have done, and many are proud and joyous for us.
we shall travel onward a bit further, hopefully all dogs will keep well and paw up with us.
we shall trott and slither but hopefully not slip - in the snow and brain, and march on, like eggits in a war, for war is an idiots game.
we are marching as pasifists (can't spell that), we  hope not to find any dead bodies on the way, and hopefully, despite much good wish, we will not create some either.

Friday, December 17, 2010

I am not entirely sure anymore!

I dont really know why i TRIED so hard! that is, nothing really flowed in my life.
I was trying to attain certain things, so that the flow would begin!
where i am at this point in the effort i do not know.
You kinda get very lost, you are there, half way there, not even half way there or have you begun at all?
these are the questions.
Awynah, what were you trying to attain?
well, em, family love?
what else?
ummm....friends....acceptance...understanding about living, life and society?
yeh, well, how far did you get?
I can safely say...not very all, at all.
You do get pissed off communicating with a computer rather than the three d.
and when the 3D's in your life are small, big eyed, furry with bad breath and snore a lot - in your ear, you have to beginning worrying.
No one bar the twino has been in contact with me, that is on a personal level in months.
when i asked the twino was she worried that the only person she saw from day to day was myself, she said 'a tad bit'
ditto self...sure Gud, who wouldnt.
try it sometime, no one else bar the hubby...absolutely no one else at all!
i told you, you'd go nuts!
like in pee peanut nuts.
you start to scratch and whine, grovel and slither up bellies of non-acceptables and non human all for the want of another 3d of similar kind.
is it acceptable for a 3d-er to be smothered in hot.
that is hot fur?
chihuahuas huddle and cuddle in winters and exude heat, try that too, the heat is enormous for beasties so small.  and the fur, its soft and tickles, and it sort of floats on the surface of skin, like feathers.
yep, try that too.
the competition too for the armpit area and the stomach and the neck crease is mighty.
the competition to claim the belly rather than the laptop have it is also enormous but the grey metal of an apple usually wins that one.
i am tired, of 3d furries as sole companions for life.
tired of nuts, and tits and big eyes, and haliotosis,  for the rest of my life.
who will spare me the indignity of being in a dog kennel be it of a rather luxurious kind, and the boarders are not wanting for anything and neither have yowlers and howlers on either side of the wired fence.
that is, not of the dog kind, only of the human alcoholic type.
yep, tis a weird one when you are not entirely sure how, you tried to get the human dimension and ended up with the canine!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

When Love is a Bundle yet the Heart is empty

I feel it is like a boxing ring.
Have I lost a few rounds and won one or two, or which way is it anymore.

How tired can you get in the search for acceptance and love and support.

Yes, Peanuts, ah Peanuts is going to send me nutty and i am sorely smitten!
Peanuts will come with me as the soul who actually does need a soul.
How much love i can give him, and his new sisters.
How i shall try to integrate them into a unit and have a happy clan.
I put all to bed last night, bundled, but the bundle would keep me awake.
Is my bundle alright?
Well obviously not.
Ana was perched on the back of the sofa looking straight at me as i peeked in on turning on the lights.
Maggie had her back to me, sitting bolt upright and looking at me indignantly as she turned that fluffy, big eyed, head.
Peanuts, Peanuts found a smotherer, that is he was smothered in the soft downy throw.
but there he was with his fawn head, peering at me.
"So?" i ask, "what is it?"
they could not answer, none could speak.
"MAMA! what have YOU DONE?"
I left them, all kinda lost on a patch of the sitting room, none quite sure where to put herself.
Peanuts already knew!
about an hour later i couldnt settle, all three came to bed.
Peanuts settled under my chin, Ana behind my back with my hot water bottle (I have done me back in) Maggie nestled around my belly area.
could i sleep like that, certainly not.
All banished back to the mystery of the sitting room.
I placed wee Pee with Maggie Mai the younger,
Ana refused absolutely refused to cuddle up to maggie as always.
But Ana was always a crayon of a different colour.
shes an obstinate, needy, foodie chi.
Ana doesn't know how to be 'dog.'
Does that actually equate to her Mistress, Ann?
Does Ann know how to be a human?
The human went to bed then, but could not sleep.
it was not only sleep depravation that kept her quiet and restless, it was deep exhaustion and depression.
Yes, wee pee will help me enormously forget the load of the last two or more years.
But how much can Ann forget the losses in this time?
Can she come to terms with being alone in the world?
For she very much is that.
Oh she has Ana and Maggie Mai and Pee Peanuts, but Ann cannot live by chis alone!
what human touch will reach out to Ann, to touch the flesh of say her hands and fingers, squeeze em and say, 'dont fear Ann, i shall take your hand every inch of the way/'
I doubt i can believe a soul alive will or could do that.
How could it have gotten this bad, i ask.
And what was its genesis.
Was it entirely a LOUD mouth?
I think maybe it was.
Something inside of me cannot do anything but pretty plain.
Especially in expression, hurt and the languages she has.
Has the deafness pared down her opportunity to use various communication nuaunces?
Has the deafness separated her from the so called 'normal society' and where in normal discourse, learning takes place.
When i think of Pee Peanuts, i know that he will have to be gently nurtured into the fold of two female chihuahuas, who had my all attention.
In order that Pee Peanuts gets integrated he must be welcomed slowly without prejudice.
No amount of cosseting must impede the love and predictability that has been stabilized here by two rehomed chis, already.
both of whom have a 'history'
Pee Peanuts has a history, he was conceived in a trapped horse box at the side of the road.
Peanuts will join my company of abandoned.
But Peanuts will get the love he so badly lacked.
Like all my chis, they are loved, unconditionally.
so what says this about human kinds in my life?
Can anyone ease me into my throws of misplaced family, so different but yet all  needing the cares of each other.
Like Ana Chi, the eldest, sometimes i feel more for her, cos i know her least.  She is so much inside herself and searching, rarely can see around her.
When Ann the man, vis a vis Ann the woman is out there, she is searching.
Will i look into your eyes and say 'please love me?"
of course not, but inside is that, inside is where i was at 19, 29 and now 58.
A seeker for acceptance in the human clans so close and yet so far.
Almost 40yrs in a psychiatric system all because the woman couldn't relate or walk the barriers that seemed up in front like a glass wall.

Tell me the difference now after thousands of tiny pills going into my system, these thousands were meant to 'make me better' but what was my sickness?
there wasn't any, none provided yet drugged to the hilt, all for the yearning of love.
I learnt not that, i didn't get better from something i never had.
I offloaded onto the babies i have.
So sick now, tis all thats left.
I have my twin as well, but can a person have one?
and how much can twin and i be there for each other, for species is Society.  One to one does not equate to species, nor to society.
Both Mags and I shall have to forge ahead now with disabilities and try once more, one last time to brace ourselves for the final fling.
But God if it be your wish, bring me to my fold like the prodigal son, maybe i overspent on the words, will i be allowed in and sit in the corner just to feel the warmth?
meanwhile i look over at the sofa.
Peanuts is huddled and nestled in the belly of Maggie Mai the younger.
Ana is on the fringes, yet she does lie on the softness of the fluffy throw.
my gang, two girls and a boy!

Monday, December 13, 2010

sitting down for tea on the lawn and the birds chirping, in what country and when?

I always ask the DIFFICULT questions to myself?
when you think of the tablecloth and the art deco period, the quirky  clarice cliff china and the settings of swinging legs and pointy shoes, dandy men, and giggling, pouring the pointy teapot spout at an english woman in floral dress, cup with the trangle handle, and all is well with the world.

you have already guessed this is not my world, never was and never will be.
supping tea with dandy men will never be for sure, let alone supping tea with anyone either.

when though, the day sitting and supping, hearing the birds chirping and listening to the grass grow, will come?
how long is a life when one would expect the last ten to be it?
for life left me far behind and now i have a short window to achieve what i wanted, a very deep peace in my heart, not a dread of death, nor sorrow of leaving when i wasted it, unknowingly.
did not understand it, unknowingly.  Did not how to change that dileman and was looking as if walking backward instead of forward for over forty years or more.
I want to create a home for peace, where i will be enveloped in peace, nature, nice neighbours, a visit from twin and saffi often.  and also family, often, but that may not be so now.
i want to talk of current affairs, animals, birds, green issues, long after the party is over.
I want to laugh, and see the great neices and neps run along my path in the back and around the grass, maybe chasing butterflies in my garden.
Why do i wonder at such posibilities.
I have my brain back - we have been given a window out, where the learning and decerning awnyah knows she now can at least see the world and want to experiment the experience of joy.
she never had a blade of grass she could call her own or of her own planting.
never had a home nor the people who would make a home.
lets try make the home and see if eventually the people will arrive.
i will have to generate this and not imagine this.
the is the last grand experiment open to awnyah and also the chance to sit at the ubiquous table by the window looking out over grass and green and pen them words, down. but again we have to try in the alternatives.
writing gone and memory not hot, we have to generate the mixing of my presence in creative media and trow all in the tea pot, the clarice cliff one with the long spout and funny handle.
when children are what many treasure to leave on the earth and give its their custody.
i want to explain how difference has meant that many need the custody of others HEARTs, or be given over to the custody of others hearts.

I await laying the table for the dainty teapart of life, spread out on my table cloth with laughter and joy.
and Pooh bear feels he knows his home!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Now for reparation with good intent

when you get upset and may have wronged another, you wear the sack cloth and ashes, and there are many ways.
as part or whole of reparation i am editing my blogs and have deleted maybe offending tracts, deemed offending anyway.
with a truly contrite heart and with full reparation as i can i do this.
anyway that apart one most edit as time moves on and things and ideas do change.
when for the better and good is the awaited aim, so all may rest in life and then in death, until death do us part.
with sincere apology,  i say my 'sorry' and will move on, amen.
when one flea jumps maybe the others will follow, that is a hope, and if all fleas jump at the same time, i believe the world or planet makes a jump literally, scientifically, it sort of jumps, or at best shutters....

Personality, Reparation and all that stuff!

~How difficult it is to step over or aside from ones own feelings and hurts and ways of expression of same?
- How difficult to change the ways of communication and engagement.
- HOw difficult it is for conciliation and reparation, that is a 'truce,' making amends and acceptance of stance to take place?
- I think its about longevity!
- the longer the hurt and pain and ways of making ones voice heard in such a way, be it good bad and indifferent, the harder it is to change tack.
In a perfect world, which it is definitely is not, one would wish to wash the sins of all of us and many away.
Is there true reconciliation with the Jewish Nation after the War?
Will there ever be so between the Jewish people and the Palestinian?
Are we expecting too much?
Again, many say these sort of conflicts take time, again we have the longevity bit.
Unfortunately Humans do not have longevity on our sides. so you kiss and make up fast or you remain enemies for life and forever.

I wonder how one surmounts these difficulties as they are usually all across the familial generations and for decades beyond.  It is not an unusual phenomenon and no family is without the hurt, bitterness and longevity of memory!!

Do people have an inbuilt Flaw, that is part of once the hunter/gatherer situation? You will use the flaw, once seen in your prey and hone in on that?
or in the case of anger, bitterness, was it a weeding out of the week etc within the caves that men and women were literally done away with.
Again this is the 'survival of the fittest' so that the human species can toughen up, grow and develop.
But what are the legacies that hold within our genome and psych from the ancestors before us?
Have we literally found no use other than attack for the part of us that once was to 'grow' strong and be useful?

Personality is a person who has grown and personality is half nature and nurture and probably more nurture than anything cos we came onto earth in a pretty raw state.

So when one has reached nearly the ten score year and ten, er, is that right?
we have become bloody set in our ways.
To transgress, continue a way of communication at this age makes it harder for all, because in a sense we are all weaker and frail so it hurts more and makes more of an impact than when we were say, 2oyrs old.
Tradition too, plays a part, the roles are well defined in a family setting again to protect the survival of the fittest.
Usually, those who do not marry are sometimes just very unlucky but mostly because their inbuilt make-up has been determined by nature not to produce a strong link in the already strong link that is there...again protection for longevity of a race, clan and family.

Forgiveness is a different can try and  explain the reasons behind actions, and some of them are not that good actually and some of them are, but forgiveness is not a biological entity.
its a learned response and has to be taught and has to be repeated over and over in order for the understanding of the word, 'forgiveness' is truly known.
Some may never understand the concept, some may use the words, some try to use it with good intent and some just rubbish the idea.
ON a personal level i would place myself with the 'good intent' and am forgiving, but unfortunately i am the type who also has not fully 'let go' but trying to learn this idea that forgiveness is a wholesome and necessary thing, for all.

Can i do this 'forgiveness' trick?
I think i can, and i am working hard on it.
Its a hard lesson and it takes hours of homework. at the best of times as a schoolchild, homework was not my strongest point!
but i see its VALUE.
So me in my mighty, measly way has tried through blog of this one, to sort out the mish-mash of meaning of personality, reparation and all that stuff.
of reparation...thats for another day altogether.

Friday, December 10, 2010

ECT, Mental Health, mental wellbeing

a finding of international repute has found that ECT is not only of no scientific benefit but in fact positively dangerous, and should be put to bed with lobotomy, insulin coma therapy, hot baths and such.
yes, bore a hole in my head please it hurts!
I do not approve of ECT, i do NOT.
I believe i have very good reason as well.
No, i have never been treated or shocked with ect, i have seen it been administered and wheeled the wrecks back to the recovery room and gave the multiple headaches their painkillers as they moaned on the cots.
Why, do you ask did i happen to be doing this?
I have not the foggiest notion, for i was a patient at the hospital!  yet i wheeled the men and women who i had befriended down to the blasted electric rooms, omg it was awful.
How many 'outsiders' have seen a confused 'shot at with electriicty person?'
How many people actually want to?
would you like to see what it does to your relative, have you seen the film "one flew over the cockoo's nest?" see it.
that is the reality in a mental institution.
it was when this film was made in my day and it is now.
very little has changed if at all.  there is more restraint, due to lack of staff, there still is no real occupation for the patients, they wander around like blue arse flies bored out of their trees.
there are security men now instead of nurses.
and they are the bouncer type too!
besides, its even hard to get into one when you ARE sick, as i know that too, as my keys were whipped from my van when i did attempt to leave a woman there, oh, she is dead now - as is her friend.  she died a few months after the first one.

Back to ECT.
the brain, the brain is a fatty organ, with nerves and its the head of communication operations and somewhere, if its the brain at all, feeling and emotions are connected with that part of the anatomy.
we can pretty much guess at this one actually, for i have met a lobotomised woman, it was scary.
she admitted it, but it was like talking to an automaton.
Why should you inflict more pain to relieve another pain?
If you brake your leg at the knee and then at the ankle would it be wise to say 'ah, we will break in the middle, cos then we shall have symetry and all will mend in a line, like"
silly bloody analogy but i am tired.

but this study is not going to change a psyschiatrist academy's view.
Why, well ECT is the quick fix when they cannot ply the magic any other way.  the quick fix is very short and slip, zap secondst lived, its not a cure!

Psychiatry is the luxury item in the medical sphere, as all they have to do is claim, 'well its the brain, mental illness, you cannot cure mental illness, they have it for life, you know we do try to allivate the pain but you cannot fix it."
they damn try hard to fix something they know they cannot.
and they get paid a mighty fee to be the quack on the stand of the wagon yollering for his skills and his lotions and potions, ECT being one.
400 people received ECT last year, some against their will and some with their own free will.  you would wonder which is the saner.
if you go into this knowingly are you sane?
if you go in roaring are you insane?
from age 17 until i was 48 i walked up my lonely road from the bus to the shrink every two weeks for a fifteen minute 'therapy' with her.
I was quaking all of the walk there, i sat in the waiting room more or less rocking in terror, i entered her room, sat down.
this is psychiatry at its best, are you ready for this?
"how are you today?
'the same."  i look into my lap and fumble at the cigarette i have just lit.
"what have you done this week."
"well, i went for walks, i did a bit of artwork, you know this and that."
"I'm not sleeping well, i am having nightmares."
"what are you on for sleeping?\
I tell the doc the dope.
"oh we can increase that for you for a while."
"are you sure, is it safe to?"
a giggle "of course its SAFE!' you can go up to zillion of milligrams on that one!
ah, i say, stupidly.
'I wish the bloody depression will go."
"it will."
"but when."
"give it time."
"will it get any better than this."
"it will."
this is some hell of an intelligent conversation going on here innit?
so the drawl the scrawl and the promise...did you hear that now, that is the bottom line.
'i promise you it will get better for you.\
and i am told to be patient and take the stronger sleepers and just up the anti-depressant a wee bit, and are you sure you wouldnt try MAOI again?
after eating oxtail soup and nearly killing myself for its reaction to whats in MAOI, that was a defo no.
Anti-depressants did me as much good as eating too many bananas, they made me constipated stupid in my brain where nothing flowed.
you lived terrified in this world, and begged to go back to the lunatic.  I begged to get back where i was safe, but usually only after i was there three weeks and couldnt face the world, i hadnt been given the confidence to do it.
so it was a roller coaster of innane conversations, no therapy, you call the above therapy?
no freedom of brain for it was clogged, constipation like with drugs.
its also like putting a plunger on the toilet, you hold it there for a very long time.
say over forty years?
cos if you didnt the woman/or man might be able to talk well about the difficulties and when the plunger was sloshed up and down and sucketted out the woman would talk it all away on to the floor and more and she with it, and i have!
you have to get it OUT.
you cannot blast it out, insulin it in, medicate it in nor indeed medicate it out.
mental function is a communication and experiential part of being who we are, we work with what we have and its a growing process of nurture, nature, environment, maybe a bit of genetics and such but certainly not just one thing.
I advocate for people with mental health issues, troubled personas and fears, being brave and face it...dont wait 40yrs to get that life you have wanted.
dont sit on the toilet that long.
do something about it, take the enema and get the awful gunge out and start to grow and start to live.
dont do silly things by thinking your method of slashing it away on your arms, legs and stomachs will be the answer either, you WILL be considered a lunatic for doing that, and THAT can never be hidden from the lunatics (shrinks).
dont crash bottle either, as in alcohol as that does damage too.
if yo wait until you are 48 you could in the next ten years, get a life in two and lose your lot in eight, i did, as i got very very sick indeed, physically and i was dismissed...out the door, imaginative lunatic.
working on thoughts and feelings is not a life long  path when they go array, but they could be if you stump it with stumping drugs.
you walk with it, slowly and the slowly will not be 40yrs for most, it will not.
I hate the discipline of psychiatry, i see it ruin more lives than it helped, i have seen psychiatry and its box of trinkets and glitters in myriad of colours and shapes (the rubber bone you hold in your mouth as they shoot you with ect), i have seen the promises the promises, their way.
i have seen the shell shocked individuals who once were actually very bright people either brain dead from ect followed by meds or so drugged anyway they shuffle along, not looking left or right.
just a shell.
if you have a problem talk.
i am gonna sleep now. bit of a ramble but boy oh boy am i dead tired tonight.
anyone enjoy christmas?
i never did - is there a pill for that, can i be zoomed out, scottie?
or zapped out spock?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

NaW, AWNYAH came back. thank the trains!

Well, if you clocked out of Awnyah you were fickle, fickle fickle.
I had a damascus conversion on the road to - the noggin.
It was a hard day all round but my zennish brother seems to have calmed both twin and i who sat around laughing and having a chat and it was very very pleasant indeed.
So my damascus has come on viewing or well -wink open, eye closed, one eye open and both eyes closed - the f....budget.
this should make interesting reading to the decerning.
I just wonder what the Cows of today and tomorrow actually understand about 'how does Mrs. V live with diabetes, Bi-Polar and a husband with Cancer and dying? all on her own with a shot in and out for a minute of two of a paid worker who has had her case load increased for no more pay and who will by then be getting tired, harassed and bothered.  It is not for the faint hearted a scene like this.
This is not either a particular generalised pot shot of a actual event unfolding, older people have multiples to worry about.
younger people have multiples to worry about, and try to muddle through.
It wasnt for nothing i heard a Social worker say that 'it has come to the point where the Family have no alternative but to help"
This was a general statement.
This WAS what used to happen in a bygone age and generation.
When we consider how this christian ethos pulled ranks and held fast for their own, we see that the cohesion has always brought the joy and the bitter sweet.
Again this is not an exaggeration if you look back at the old sound archive documenting the hard times on the Blaskets, the off shore isles and during the Famine and also the Fight for republicism, ditto the jointing in fear and community and duty of the many irish who fought in the World Wars.
Complacency came in when money was floating.
The 'I am alright Jack' attitude, and somehow those where were not ok jack got completely forgotten.
It also  came about with affluence and education.
Young people were the centre of attention. we had pages in all the national rags on 'how to parent' from training kids on the potty to being sort of 'diplomatic' with them when naughty, like the psychology of bringing up kids.
most of that is useful but it was in fact were tricks and the family who once had their own ways were made to feel quilty of their tactics.
to reward the kids and feel better on the discipline, they had the money to lash just about every plastic at them, be it the money, the cars, the plastic cars, the 'I want to' and "Yes Darling you will have"
another factor being in the education system.
more were getting educated, the tutors were on a high of expectancy that all their students would brave a new world well, and never thought of the economic bubble that may, and did come.
Every child in Ireland thought they were made for life.
what a bitter blow when they now see what their parents saw, emmigration and poverty and joblessness on a grand scale.
but at the end, the interior clock and tradition had been bought and sold out of them.
gone was an attitude of 'i need to help for that is what i should' comes in 'i have to look after myself'
both apply actually.
one is not exclusive to the other.
The younger generation are meaning to make a better world for themselves as we did, but its the emphasis that has gone, its more or less so individual that no one else counts.
or very few.
and when they dont count they get thrown away.
trash society.
we, i feel strong about this, to get back to the roots of being who we are, in my case and in my country's case, the 'looking out for one's neighbour' country, young and all, all generations, not just for the few, all.
the young, the school children, unemployed and the getting onners!
No man is an Island, but not so only for lack of societal contact, no man can go it alone in any sphere. thats what being human is.
Lets find a new christianity, show the young that the fruits of care are Abundant. the tiny historical anectodes, the 'Oh aunti/granny I never  knew about that!'
and the resultant giggle, and the slap of a bare knee with glee by a wrinkled old arthritic hand of warmth and joy and connectiveness.
now Awnyah is back advocating....HIYA

Sunday, December 5, 2010

A very ordinary life!

I have come to the conclusion that Life is 'ordinary.'  consider the young and when we were so.
the dreams, aspirations, hopes and prospects were many.  Limitations were there on education, money and stuff like that, but all had the dreams and imagination and all had potential.
No one set out to be any different than Good, honest, and worthy but most of all LOVABLE.

who achieved even half of that?
when you got the education, did you also get your dream or your Love?
If you got the Love, did you get the education and the kids and all the rest of the dreams and longings and hopes.
No.  you got one, or two or three or four, and along the way you picked up the disappointments, an ability to live despite altruism at youths enthusiasm.
most of the exciting prospects and hopes died into pretty much sameness, a gentle process of assimilating whats known as 'the good, the bad and the ugly.'
Who would want to change stuff now, say twenty years on, or even when one has past the school gates after three years finish?
What would you change if you could?
Do you actually think it was a changeable situation or other?
Most possibly we all would have wished in retrospect to change stuff a lot but life plays out for everyone, pretty much the same.
you try your best through sometimes hard and tragic life events.
you may have got the education and money but not the Love and the Children and you may have had children and started to ask yourself 'what was the point of wishing for that?' and 'now what?' syndrome.
If we get another syndrome in here it would be hard to pass life through without another anyway, for most.
Its an ordinary life FOR ALL.
I achieved good things, i have not a doubt.
I have never relinquished my love and respect for the elderly and my love and determination for the twin sister and i to live possibly the last decade well and peacefully.
I have increased my appreciation for life, nature, animals and learning the art of 'trying always' to do my best.
What can i not turn back the clock on?
"Personality and Character" are but two.
"No Love and no children" has to be two definitely.
but can i change it now?  No.  A very strong 'no' as much as you might want.
I am proud for my achievements though sometimes considered small, learning to drive at 53 and now driving an adapted van to take a mobility scooter.
I am proud i tried not to fail those i would hated to, and proud i am still here to see beauty and nature and watch on into a world i never fully understood even a bit, but still what can you see and take joy in when religious ethos has failed you and you will just rely on any good Lord to look after and upon you and take a chance in the Lord, even though an agnostic.
Nothing in Life or Death is a 'given'
On a lighter note when Awnyah has done with the Phillo, i had a grand day indeed.
On wakening i saw my wren return to my 'yardenette,' the first this winter and he had deserted me during the summer and i am none too pleased with him for doing so. (it could have been a she actually)!
despite the vast array of feasts on the table he/she chose to cling the wall and look for the 'real, red blooded things' the blood sucker wren he is!  Pecking away at holes at the poor suckers hiding from the cold, and it was very cold.
I checked the cold frame and most of my cuttings are surviving it, and i whacked heaps of snow off the planters that have bulbs for the next season.
My pink tree has found a corner and placed at its feet are my Feet, the little pink pomps i wore at my neps wedding, lovely ones i dressed up with feathers and sequins and very nicely if i say so too.  i had taken them out of the pink box i placed my pink tree on and knowing that i shall walk soon from here i placed em on the top of the tree stand, to keep firm the tree, to keep firm my faith in myself.

there is a star on top of the white tree, the bigger, there are twinkling stars outside my hall door as i type.  and a spray on the purple door all saved from last year.
Preps are on now for the Vibe, as Anto says he ain't getting any yet, we have a 'depression' on a grand scale here in the holy isle of Eire!
We shall have a Depression on mega style after Monday as the anxiety fueling impending budget promises to be one hell of a humdinger for the least well off too.
that includes the twino and I and doesn't include most of the rest of the tribe.
right back to the good things in Life.
Twin and I went to a craft fair, in the city.
Off we set as we thought the roads reasonable, some were not!
 We parked the flower covered vano outside the exhib hall, bang outside!
down came the ramp back as everyone watched a spectacle we both have to get used to.
the Scooter came out and the wheelchair was put together, the two old disabled people of yesteryear youth helped each other 'assemble' and close up the transporter, Spock style and off we drove, 'zoom em in' down style.
what happened next was the awe bemusement for the watchers.
Firstly we got got price in!
that good in recession times, enough for a coffee, yep all of two euros, but beggars cannot be....
and i moved off, twin whipped her stick from the back carrier of my scooter, hooked the handle into the carrier flap and i pulled her along, tram or train fashion, now thats a spectacle!
it was good, slow, interesting and i have to say I was mighty impressed at HOME GROWN ARTS&CRAFT 'Real QUALITY,'  every year we improve and mature in our rich inheritance of inventiveness and creativity.
the visual arts were not necessarily our finer point but the arts and crafts definitely were.
I asked at stands how the business was, and most said, very down.
one woman i had a gift from via the twino one christmas was standing at ultimate quality pottery ware.  She told me it was her 18th show and feels it will be the last, very few are stopping by at the height of her career i feel.  Her work was GOOD, she featured in a Nationwide programme a good few years ago, she was sad.

I was sad.
Also on show was a showy largesse of wealth as well, we are not without money as the fashion of the women was rich and grand, the money was not short there and a lovely wooly hat was going for 45E how i would love but i bought my E6 keyring - very pricey but nice, but still..very pricey for a keyring!
I bought a necklace and a wee gift for a very kind lady.
I was given a free gift from another kind lady of yesteryear for whom i worked.
Indeed i was her first Card Artist and still some of my work is on their stand, so many years later!
she remembered me, i had forgotten her name and still do!
she gave me a pack, free of my own designs still there and i gave her a print of my designed christmas card this year!
she said i had not lost it!
nope, one doesn't, it just changes.
She gave me decorative tissues too, i guess to wipe nicely the tears of disappointment and loss but with a nice flower on them and so i wipe snot in a decorative way.
We had a coffee and two cakes, which twin went and got, thank God and paid for! Good Woman!  We had a great chat with a 'sitter outer' letting the wife do the walking.
we talked about the science behind how men HATE shopping!
i had seen a scientific programme from the Beeb on it being a biological fact and real rather than laziness.
men can physically feel sick, anxious and have heart attacks over the prospects of big anxiety making shopping sprees as this was, with a lot to loose, via the wife!
A wee hat for E45 and a key ring for E6, when the depression hits, lets hope people and workers do not continue to loose the run of themselves, and think down to the lesser able shopper, and if you sell 10 things for less and sold five for half how would you feel at the profit margins on that one, after the budget!!
Then to the pub, jaded, cracked jaded and in pain and sleepy, the roads loosing the run of itself by beginning to ice over as detected in the whirr of my wheels.
the van wheels.
As a line of bus waiters watched with amusement and disbelief two disabled persons of yesteryear, pack up again in grand and swift fashion and head out, their entertainment was over for the day, we were OFF and their bus had arrived!
Pub, we got in by a breath, at 3.59pm i told twin to get out at the traffic lights and grab a turkey dinner while i parked.
we were the last dinner customers as the counter was closing as twin sticked it up to them.
i sticked in after (walking sticks) and we sat down with other sticks too!
its a Stick pub and very much so, so we feel welcome and at home. the cheer does not leave a stick club in a depression!
we had a grand meal and a mean fantastic chocolate sponge, soggy and soaking with ooozz of black sticky runny chocolate, with two blobs of  veined red white ice cream and chocolate is scientifically proven to improve the mood and atmosphere in a persons brain.
our atmospheres were improved and soothed and so belly filled and belly up we moved on and i deposited twin to her best friend saffi, and then returned to mine the chihuahaus, printed off some  christmas cards, stuck em on card the twino gave and so we had a good day, short window but good.
and i have the name of the bird i shot -with camera yesterday.
A Mistle thrush, a fine fine bird.
Twin now has repaid me in kind for the taxi to Beaumont neuro department! She filled the tank with petrol and boy that has gone up too!
and i wish all the choc feeling as i snuggle.

Monday, November 29, 2010

short but pink and sweet, no sweat!

Oh the season of Good Will, indeed.
with a bail out and budget prior to, is hard to define the season of, er, good will.

Now there is a bloody war going on across the eurozone and not many are happy campers, and it hasn't really 'worked' so far for the zone! so maybe not only will Ireland be 'banjaxed' but maybe we will be zoning out or outzoned by the Euro as it seems that is the way its all going, and going fast.

well, as i usually say, That Said, it wont upset the birds, the snow will but not the eurozone right now, in the present.
the dying species or whats left of them 'the house sparrow' are ALL taking up residence or using it as fly zone for food here, right here, in my yardenette, once a beer bottle ground (so hope for the eurozone yet)!
so they wont sweat the small stuff and neither will i, both they and i have major problems.
they their food supply me and another, a 'forever home'
and apart from that its the Season of Good Will.
I am sure Good Will hunting in this instance.
and the hunting is for a tree, seasonal yes, native no.
real yes and er, no.
green no!
white no or nearly.
Pink defo as in definitely.
i missed out last year so i damn well will not this year.
And it will bring me mighty cheer for hard fought for Pink christmas trees are worth all the effort, as is hard work, hard play, hard talk and hard say.
NOT spending others money!
Gov Style.
We will sure know what way it will all pan out.
I have a gut feeling now that it will not go right for us or europe.
its not for Good Will that the friendlies came and rescued us, they were trying to rescue themselves, and we on the perifery, another bloody typo there, well wrong spelling really as i am better at typing than spelling and writing.  I dont 'do' spell checks for i dont know HOW on blogging.
anyway i am lazy and if a person cannot read between the...letters then cant be helped, some tend to be rather thick and lack the lateral thinking in joining up misspelt words.
All for thinking this through, if you really want to read the message, get it? the message?
 oh we on the edge, again, are of little consequence for the cluster in the middle of europe, we sort of float around or sea around us on the - edge, dont do much not even fish for our own fish for the zone wont let us.
we cannot use our own natural gas either cos it was stolen and allowed to be.
we don't even use our own best power, wind, cos we too lazy to start this up and running before we all went down.
We don't care whether we use real oats or ney, anymore and we a great agricultural country.
we chopped away all our fab bogs and fens.
we putting up awful sterile trees for wood (not for us either)
we buy presents from abroad when we are great crafts men and women and known to be and cannot even cobble together nicely made home made small gifts.
I am making wee origami envelops from my old 'bunty's which i had as a small child and popping in seeds i gathered from the fruits of my labour this summer.
thats right labour and fruits and not the chizler kind.

er, i have drifted.
Very sorry.
spreading the word!

end of a 'good feeling rant' that!

there is little i can say about the state of the nation or good will to all men etc until time passes, say a week, but it doesn't look as if it will take that long.
it didn't take too long to find a Pink Artificial Christmas Tree and not too bad in price for the time that is innit.
So whilst i am on the search for the ultimate in giggles etc. i do hope others are novel in their thinking, and that applies to the gov and the zone too.
and with that, i am zoning out.
i hope i have kept the stats up and i have had a giggle.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

coldest on record - including in the soul of Ireland or mine anyway

We have the coldest November day on record.
We have too, a cold day for Ireland in its history, which is the coldest day in the souls of Irish people.
Has anyone read the 'doomsday book' or whatever, and when is this day to come, or has it already?
if you know let me in on the answer.

For me....
Snow, long avenues, hungry and cold birds, indoors, heat, sickness, trap, isolation and all that shite.
the snow looks really good.  I think it a necessity.
it does keep down the worlds population, for so many die frigid with icicles on their noses. Natures way of population control.
it also serves to remind us that all is not a hot sun, tan and seaside, naked.

Maybe too on the fiscal side as well, of that i know little and shall not be around to see the good bad or better of it all anyway.

we are now in for the long haul.  One and all.

What else did i mention?
Ah the cold birds.
this was interesting indeed.
the peanut feeders got cleaned out and filled, but on one i forgot to put the cap on again and once hung i wasn't re-entering zone freezing!

tactics and size of bird was a worrying development but its a free for all in this climate.
started off with the jackdaw, now i never saw him here last winter.
he tried a trick or two, stuck his beak down the middle at the top and managed as well to peck quite a lot off and into his beak.
once i saw him with a mouthful and he had a problem which made me wonder on another feature of our feathered friends.
he was finding it hard to 'lift off' and i couldn't make out why.
he crashed into a small open pocket of branches and then i figured his brain was too small to multi-task, so in the effort to keep the nuts his nut couldn't get round the flying part.
thats my theory and it looked pretty credible from what i saw.
then we had the pigeon, you do get used to these i have to say.
he did the stick-head bit too.  I was very worried and concerned, his neck was getting longer and longer and i feared we would have a stuck head.
certainly the nut head wants his  nuts in this case.
but worry i need not, for he got it out and flew, a better attempt than the jackdaw.
the magpie didnt hang around for some odd reason.
an influx of starlings was another worry for they do keep the smaller birds away, by shear number frights.
i saw few little uns today, but guess it could be hard in snow white.
i wasnt looking hard either.
the reliable dunnock was around and so too the robin.
now on the avenue and sickness shit i mentioned.
the former did not get swept, but in bed i heard the grate of a shovel so i was pleased someone else was making an effort.
i was grim again and must sort this bloody flare, it will destroy my glands otherwise, and i mean that.
my twin announced happily that she had made a snowwoman in her front grassy patch, with the help of her mad dog who ate its nose, (carrot)!
and my very bashed about hub cap served well as her crown!
the cap that was dumped not nicked from my van for it wasn't there nor myself either, whilst she was romping like a ten year old (along with my neice who i believe was doing the same in another part of the country), i was lying on the bed,going through my computer housekeeping and that should make mags b proud of me!
I suddenly longed to be with her to share some fun and get some air.

big mistake.
the chis loved it all, the windows of van had to be de-iced and i was glad it was pointing in the right direction, parked so to prevent a swirl of a slither this morning.
the f... waste bin was still on the road, i whacked the side with my walking stick and off shot the caked snow on its head.
i wheeled it up that f...avenue and left it in its place.  my hands were not feeling so good, i had left the gloves in the van.
i picked up rest of gear, as it wouldn't do to crash down with my precious laptop and the camera so they went separately, like parents do when afraid the plane will go down leaving chizlers behind to fight it through life alone.
Believe me, some chizlers do well without the bosses who go down!  Maybe more should.

well this plane did not go down, so my chizlers (chis) were happy as i sped off at a slow pace.
the roads were not good.
but i am fearless and took it easy, not a lot of the natives around, a few abandoned cars and one with hazard lights on and not a person in sight.
I got to twino, avoiding a saucer toboggan in the middle of the road, the blue one belonging to VERY indulged twin boys on my twin's avenue.
twin looked well, prepared.
Saffi looked well...prepared to commit suicide by van, as she skirted around, annoyingly as i tried to reverse and park sensibly, a act the brat was determined to wreck.
she had frozen fur and frozen globules in it.
my twin had plastic bags on her feet, yes prepared.
i was unprepared for a violent reaction to my outing, i was on verge of sicking up.
a pleasant meal was produced by twin so i began to feel better.
then the Wrecker came into play, and she wrecked it as only she can, the wired, no brainer who was determined to 'brain me out' and she did.
i left, brained out in confusion and disarray, my brain bombed by a pesky Saffi, whom i wish would grow up fast, if at all.
so with the snows and the snarls i forgot the state of the nation.
I wonder why?
a freudian slip or error?
no, i had nation amnesia and it happens often in my brain these days, it can get serious for long periods of time, but dont worry i see a very nice neurologist followed by a very nice psychologist on the 1st December.
alas 'nation amnesia' is not a speciality of theirs.

so whilst the population is depleted due to winter cold and the wrecker is around and the Wrecker (gov) is also there the state of the nation is the least on my mind.
I have swollen glands, pain, freezing birds to think about.
i willingly let the nation try to solve itself without my intervention.
by my track record, i doubt if i would be a great deal of help so while others deal with nits, i will deal with tits.
when i feed small nuts to smaller birds, will someone feed the bigger nuts to the lions?
much appreciated.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

How fickle is the 'blogger's community!'

This is a REAL question and poses the question on the word of 'Fickledom.'
You leave your county for less than two days, take a break and the world goes on nicely without you.
so my question now is, who are the 'hitters?'
do they dance when the mouse is away? and dance off to some other blog to see if it is juicy and entertaining and leave the last one on the x-blog list of bloggers.
Actually partly true and partly - true.
I come back too to no snow and within a day i have heaps.  Yes, sweeps and sweeps of sparkling white for my long suffering eyes.
Lets hope now that i am back the bloggers will do the same.
Priority takes reign.
1) that damn avenue...lunatic style i sweep it with a yard brush and discovered that a large boot does just as good, the action has to be precise - you do so from left to right in a large arc in front, you hold the broom tight and when the left foot does swish one way you repeat with the right.

That is done, the blood is moving, the lower back has loosened up and all is reasonably well with my foot path and the clunky booty slippers are intact as well.

2) salt, well one wee pot as a left over for i will not add salt to  my diet is found and its effort was - helpless and caused a giggle!

3) the birds.
for this you require your trousers, Yes, dressing gown and large boots saw the path pristine, but legging it up to raised bed needed said trousers.
whatever it is about the angle at 6am in the morning when its up to your ankles in snow and its a Saturday.
One must be prepared for all eventuality like CCTV which i am told are everywhere by my neighbours, who make the little oldies of the 'valley of the squinting windows' seem small and catholic compared to the men with the spy cameras everywhere.
Am i paranoid, no.  they are everywhere!
anyway the raised bed ledge gets swept with the foot, i step up and remove a feeder to fill and the water basin. it gets turned upside down to remove, snow.
i decided that it was not prudent to walk the wall on this occasion so down i get and walk the yard, a few paces and up the other end of the raised bed to check that feeder there.
(good exercise for the knees)

this point you discover that you are as sick as you ever were.  the sweat is pouring out, the hands are on fire, the skin is dry and my head is buzzing.
well i guess its enough the mood has brightened.
you fight on, literally.
all the bird feeders get cleaned (fungus mould et al kill the wee ones so counter productive feeding to expire).
they all get filled with dry meal worms, nigyer seed and pin oats.  all i had.
the peanuts will go out later as their feeders are grand.
what happened next was a delight and a sight.
we had mayhem, the same kind really that had been occurring but with higher numbers and more aggressive behaviour,
beaks are sharp no matter what size, wings are weapons and feet are talons even on house sparrows.
we are snowing birds here, absolutely.
crammed into the small yardenette the shit should be mighty once discovered when the snows melt.
One silly nut of a starling landed on the stem of a withered water barrel plant, tall, thin and with an advantageous view.
but then i saw it keel, ever so slowly over and the bird didnt quite know what to do, i guess the ice had iced his poor little nut brain, and finally it gave up and flew, all such time as i laughed as i watched this mini circus.
dogs fed next.
ann fed last, (in proper order).
humidifier taken from bedroom to sitting room and back.
Ann is back in bed, dogs are asleep, the birds seem full in belly and are roosting somewhere, and i am worried, i am to collect my meds today and the roads are not good, believe me they are not!
blog watchers back please and soothe a bored woman who has nothing much to do at present bar blogging, which actually i thoroughly enjoy.
will i turn on the radio now and be fuddled back to dire depression or do i listen to the bird brains outside the window, the roosting period has shortned as with daylight hours and we have a hitchcock scene outside again..

Friday, November 26, 2010

Back with Bang and Hitting home!

One must, unfortunately, some time.
two days away and you sort of forget 'home' or 'unit' or 18ft high walls and you reinvent self and your environment, whether internally, externally, both or otherwise, is sort of entirely up to oneself.
I defo reinvented self, which was the real Self, and did so by extricating the self from the stresses and pain of living, and that too, should be in capitals as well.
the real Self is amenable, fun and enjoys being herself, away from those who snatch and snip and scratch and claw (not the dogs now) at the real Me and cause Self to become 'self.'
so that the larger of the two comes to the fore when bloody left alone from the strife and put-downs from you-all-know who!
Environment gets sort of reinvented in the mind, oh gee aplenty of that, and its invigorating and energizing on the imaginative level to be reinventing the homestead.
You do that by saying such things as "Ah, hens!"
yes, that is strange alright.
there were a few strutters amongst the trotters alright, and i had been talking of coops etc, for hens (not self now), and my coop will be part of the shed, which will come with me and will turn from the x-studio (it became that with temperature drop and more so in fury) into a shit ridden hen coop that i shall visit daily to scoop the egg for breakfast for the protein then the shell shall go back to the soil for the...
GRASS, plenty - plenty of that i saw and so Grass is the next for the environment, of the mind at present where the cells are being activated and stimulated into a creative hub for the studio pods and bean, pea pods Ann shall have along with the hens, and Velveteen the Rabbit, hopefully and the chihuahuas and another, hopefully.
Body reinventing, alas rather superficial but imaginative as well, imaginative in the sense one has to pretend on its reinvention rather than do so hopefully or ..otherwise.
One must transcend the body, as in levitation (off the massage table 'slab)? Yes, actually, you do that, in the brain department, if there is any left, you levitate and then come back, see?
cos you cannot imaginate the body away, and i have coined a new word which i think is a sign of dementia, well making up new words is a sign of something, cos i read that somewhere...and i forget where,,,, which is another....sign of :(

In truth two days absence from base, gives soul, mind, body and brain a break, not a breakdown, or break-in just a break.

so i am now IN the cooped unit, with the chis, and  Self, and please note, it wants to be permanently  written as Self, so if anyone wishes to claw at or spit or worse at the self, go find another Self to redue to self, I in the meantime will levitate beyond, the massage table, the 18ft high wall, the bloody pain in the legs that is still there,ditto hands etc and the f..humidifier is still on (well it was on at the hotel as well, i have to say).
so this is called HITTING home and its all too real, really.
And on the 40yrs and half a day, the twin and i are again living apart and in two days out of 40yrs and a half day, we didnt scratch or claw each other either, so lets hope Reality enters and reality exits...if you get all that you are 'a wise woman!' Sorry boys, this gal rather thinks more on the feminine than the masculine for reasons best known to self and the inner circle.
and the men in my life are actually in that inner circle too, so all is well with the world (i didn't say Ireland).

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The country and I have 'the lurgy'

we shall forget the country for the moment, what's left of it.
Now who said 'they couldn't organize a piss up in a brewery?' you have em, they drinking the stuff alright but only ones who are!
As for me i am as collapsed as my country.  I didn't do it for the country, i collapsed despite the country.
So Ireland is the last thing on my mind.
what is on my mind is bloody buzzing brain off the richter scale, ditto pain and lack of temperature control.
it was not a pretty night last night, all the meds plus plus (more on these anon) sweating, cold, no central heating on, then a blast, window open with plus plus below out there, then shut, then putting legs OVER the bed cradle as in 'elevated' then under.
the cradle got dispensed with, so did the duvet, but on came a lighter blankie and then that was shifted off.
it was a no winner, no brainer, but the brain was, and we will not use the F word again.  One has to improve on the adjectives.
there is none in this case for the brain was gone, yes, gone.
out came the screaming - not pretty.
yes, moaning and screaming.
we had (sorry I had) the humidifier on, which i carried into the sitting room and then back to the bedroom. windows as spoken before, i lay on the sofa which was even worse, i trashed in out and off the sofa or bed whichever.
i shuffled in the med drawer and all the packets and boxes and sachets got flung in the desperate bid for the baby aspirin, in case this was vascular, cos of the brain buzzing and confusion etc.
never found it, but paracetamol every four hours.
I was dead by this morning - well no, not dead cos dead people cannot drive their vans to the local out of hours gp. i wouldn't enter the war zone of A&E ever again.  i would rather die in peace than go into the fray there of blood, trolleys, drunks addicts and the poor elderly keeling over in the wait.  its inhumane.  and we shall briefly allude to my country, it will get even more so as health cuts are on the way.
poor doc was a bit out of his depth, as i am already on steroids for crohns, (medical education following as well).  Anti inflammatories wreck the stomach and so much is wrecked we gave them a miss, so it was painkillers until i see the 'real gp' tomorrow.
and i came back to bed.
watched funny chihuahua laughable loveables on youtube, which did produce a laugh, the chis i had were squeezed together under my right arm.

Now for the medical education, disease first then the medication, ok?
what i believe is happening as does the 'real gp' is a sjogrens flare and tis, off...the...richter...scale, and the my world is very shaky indeed.
sjogrens syndrome come in two sizes, Primary sjogrens and secondary.  Primary evidently comes out of the blue, and is usually confirmed by having the Rheumatoid Arthitis factor found by blood testing, which usually doesn't come with Secondary sjogrens.
and wait for it, Primary is worse.  and wait again...i have Primary sjogrens, well i would wouldnt i?
the crohns is not supposed to be THAT bad if you consider just a handful of gut blockages due to the gut narrowing and imminent surgery is being avoided like the plague.
but this sjogrens now this is a different colour altogether, very red as well.
In feeling that is.
I was on fire with pain, hands, knees, stomach and the lower legs.
oh I have mentioned the sweats too, thats all in this territory as well, low grade fever and so on so forth.
what IS sjogrens, well its an autoimmune disease, and as its a syndrome, it is multi-systemic and effects various body parts, well all body parts really.
its the second most common form of rheumatoid autoimmune disease but a lot of people go undiagnosed as some presentations can be mild.
it basically means that my moisture glands are being targeted as an enemy or alien and is being booted out by the small cells that boot aliens out, but actually this part of me body is not alien but the booter outer thinks it is.
so my moisture glands are dyin.  so i have to replace the natural tears and natural saliva with artificial.
this is to add to the artificial teeth, artificial ears in hearing aids, and artifical eyes or corrective lenses, specs.
Cure - none, just try ease the inflammation and use other meds to try sort and calm the red down to say orange or even yellow or blue would be even better.  But not RED.
Medications - Pills these are alien, and long term use of pills - medications cause side effects - ALL absolutely All with no exception.
thats my thinking.
steroids for the crohns to stop that autoimmune disease from being too active is also hastening the formation of eye cataracts.
meds for other things can cause sjogrens syndrome.  and so on so forth.
I avoid putting aliens in my body, as the body is turning into an alien - don't doubt me for thats what an autoimmune disease IS.
the body thinks some good parts are bad parts and we have a body turning on itself in full war fare fashion.
and i am sick of it.... please excuse my use of er, whats that, adverb?
I am fed up and bloody sick of it all.
I am too f.... young, no i did not use the full F...word, to be horizontal playing youtube video clips of singing chihuahaus and teeth bearing chihuahuas and alot of chihuahuas needing dental treatment.  And doing so in the dark with mist frothing out of a humidifier and the legs in prep to produce a baby that will never come.
tis not my idea of fun nor intellectual engagement of any sort by any stretch of the imagination.

Talking of the latter, i am bare faced blue terrified of reversing all the good works done to get the body into a vertical position and walking as such, without the intervention of physiotherapy which was asked for as needed by three consultants.

and the chihuahuas are i hope that is not a dog to human transferrable illness or another bloody lurgy to attack my already alien body in an alienated brain, with alien feelings toward it and the country.
the latter is of secondary importance as at present my feelings on this being, i wont NEED to vote again, no choice.  I shall watch with interest alright, from a distance.
what i really want to do is be well enough to pluck weeds, feed the birds and the chihuahuas, walk a bit, not a lot, eat a bit, have amusing fun with the twino not youtube, and get  back to my creative endeavors which seem to be drawing further and further away.
so snap to it body and get into SHAPE, time slips by exceedingly fast, but not fast enough for a disease or a syndrome.

No jumping bugs this way please, i have enough, keep the bugs to yourself.
Bird flu??? who mentioned bird flu or is it swine flu now, oh god the brain is bothered!

Friday, November 19, 2010

All is well with my world, maybe not my country!!

Ah indeed, the world (inside the head, someway), but definitely outside the head it was.
Crisp, brisk and with an edge to a warm heart.
Just the way a sjoggie likes it.
Started off in a ghastly manner as unwell, couldnt breathe and legs awobbly.
but with slowness on the legs, carbs in the belly, few letters written and stamped, dogs and birds fed, the floor exercises done along with the balance one on the Pilates Ball (recommended), i seemed better.
we all stepped out.
I called to my area PA manager's office.  within ten minutes the sweats began, the bloody energy efficient lights kill me and all luppies are saying they are f...dangerous.  well i had to escape and couldnt sit under them, thought i would collapse.
You do FEEL it.  Some law that was, thanks to the  Green party.
Now down to basics, i escaped that alright and went to get some new eye shades, these have had to be about the 20th pair i have got off the RNIB, i am sick of it.  I lose them.  Just vanish on me before my eyes, well not quite but pretty much.  So more again.  This time two, to prevent me going down there again.
I did the pier to the bandstand with stick, the two chis were let off, now that was a bad idea as they went in different directions.  I am convinced too, that Maggie Mai wanted either a cold swim or to commit the ultimate act so she got reined in.

Great fun with walkers, great chat with two elderly women, who ask me if i find men for them do let them know!  Yes, the conversation had taken that twist ok.

Onwards we went, well this part was NASTY, getting back to the van, i could hardly was a shuffle. a right shuffle, the legs slid in agony towards a low sun, very dramatic, but what was happening the pins was oh God, dramatic, flippin agony.
for some bizzarre reason i wanted a coffee and prepared to go to great lengths for one.
This is my level of addiction to Caffeine and i am not supposed to drink it either.
so i decided legs gone and too tired to drive, get out and all that sort of thing, so i took the scooter out.  sorted the chis on my lap in a scarf and off we took, the smiles and oohs and aaahs were plenty.
i went to the coffee shop that has a reputation with me!
Meadows and Byrne.  I asked a passer by to see if a girl could come out.  that was done with complete kindness.
A young Polish girl came out.  She was struggling but in the end my Large Latte and a muffin was presented out in the cold.  She sat down.

Er, yes, she sat and told me she was hiding and thus came the truth of the matter.
" people can be so nice and yet so horrible!'
"why, what happened?'  (tell aunti awnyah), she did.
"well first coffee i serve in the morning i was told by a woman 'education is the way, huh, i didnt even know her.  First coffee!  Do i need an education to serve coffee and do this job?"
Ummm I pondered the psychology on this one and a sad young girl.
"well, young lass why are you STILL bothered about it, its 3.15pm and still the first comment of the day is still on your mind?"
"hum..." the young girl said.
"Why she so nasty?"
"Why you so bothered, it sure hit a nerve eh?"
she shook her head.
"Now, if you are STILL thinking about it at this hour, it must mean that you are intelligent enough to have taken it in and it did something to you, if you really didnt care you would have forgotten it by now."
"Let me ask you want to be serving coffee at 50?"
"I am saving money, and maybe i then go to college."
"You can do what you like, dont mind any Irish woman telling you what you should do, but we Iorish hold great store by education, and thats why she probably said it, not to be nasty."
"yes, i suppose so."
"Oh it is cold out here, in poland we would have all the jumpers and gloves and coats etc"
"You are not supposed to be out here, you are hiding!'
I warmed to her.
"I sat here cos you have such lovely dogs"
"HA, and what about ME?"
"Yes, you are really nice too.'
She smiled a warm smile had a little think and said she would go back.
"you go back now and i shall see you again eh?"
"Bye, thanks for being so nice."
Oh she was a lovely young girl.
we talked more about 'all work and no play makes jack a dull boy' etc, she giggled at that, she seemed to be having little fun, all in the effort to save.
I went on my merry way.  My latte was stone cold, my chi, the fat one nearly got garrotted by the lead which caught in the wheel and snapped away from the collar.  that gave me a fright, but she has a thick neck!

I will defo be more careful there.

The bloody radio is still spittin out 'ah its a sad day for the republic, my grandfather fought in the war for independence...' Blah.
I learnt a lesson and so too, i think the young polish girl who probably is still thinking of what the woman stranger said to her at 8.30am this morning.
I met a man i had known in a recent past life.  First thing he said "thats a great yoke there', the scooter.  It is.
"Ah, i never knew you had these two."
No 'Hiya, Awnyah, long time no see' but he saw the scooter and the trotters.  now thats a lesson in itself.
best go and see whats happening my poor independent country!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I feel a strange feeling coming on. humans get a day off!

well, not so much 'love' but lets say there is a truce.
a very nice gentleman helped me on the short distance i made with the chis up Killiney Hill, by chatting to me and staying the pace until i could go  no further.  It was not patronising.
I also received an email from my older sis, which was a daring and very kind thing to do and i thanked her - now is that a magnanimous gesture?
Heart felt it was too.
We had a few combo's that added to a slight shift in thinking.
i am at peace with self today.  i am taking things slow, because my body dictates that.
i have received a bed cradle which is great and much needed too, and a surprise bed table which i put together, fantastic and very very discreet not at all like a hospital one.
that was courtesy of the HSE!  Long since put in for.
its these little things that help a person like me so much.  they will last forever and be helpful for ever.
I hope the dumping of crutches and such will be banned when the budget comes in.  the old are now thrown out for some odd reason.
most orthopaedic equiptment once used gets the thumbs down.
its about infection i think but surely by now we have a way of disinfecting and we have used apparatus over and over without causing the 'black plague' before.
many times you cracked an ankle given some crutches at the local hospital and you brought them back and they were put in the store for the next person.
now all you see is heat sealed brand new crutches and no obligation to return em.

so this woman has a wheelchair to find a forever home and some crutches too.  Damn ridiculous someone cannot get the benefit of these items.

This woman is pleased, the wireless broadband is up and running again, ditto the phone and placed in a better position by a kindly technician (that restored my faith in mankind too i think).
my printer is working, my computer housekeeping is going really good at present.
I havent got a 'forever home' for myself, and neither does twin who will be virtually homeless before christmas. (that is a rather big negative actually, and not a positive)/
my sjoggies flare is dissipating due to time out from the stresses of 'thinking' of need for two.
there has been a calmness in the past few days, and i am grateful although i do have to appear in court.
that should be very interesting indeed.
I refrained from paying a lot of attention to the bloody news which is like a rough sea giving everyone sea sickness and there is no remedy, bar - jumping ship or flying to foreign lands.
certainly mortillium will not solve this illness for sure.
Valium might calm the nerves, i would suggest some of the TD;s take it for men are very prone to heart attacks under stress, but i fear the same effect can be got from whiskey etc and thats more acceptable and far less stigmatising than the people denouncing the guys as lunatics and i told you so.
by the way, lunatic as a noun is a derogatory word, much used for those who are different.  (Sorry, i had to get that in, anon will be giggling on that one)!
Well the pep in my step has been R&R and a fine rest, no sleep but rest yes.
I am pondering on having a chicken coop and another chi and a rabbit at my next 'home' and i shall be the very example of the estate mini farmer, eccentric to boot.
Hens dont make noise i believe!
Rabbits have a short life so i shall treat em well for the duration of the short haul.
chihuahuas have a long life and i shall treat them brill for the long haul.
now, i wonder where the humans come in.
Can i treat them brill for the long haul.
well anon, i am deeply suspicious of malicious intent, as in 'sheltered accommodation' and such, as a solution for the short haul to the grave and i aint in for a short haul of incarceration when i wont be able to chose my wallpaper, but have to put up with magnolia, i wont be able to choose my main meal menu or time i wish to eat it,  nor will i have a garden to plant the beans, have the hens the dogs etc and i may increase the snake population as well, well, they will increase after the budget for sure.
they will be human too, the very worse poison as well tis produced by em.
oh as a nation of gazers we will have another english wedding to drool over.
does anyone realize that when you go to London or other, the news does not even include anything  iorish at all, unless its something on the grand scale of the UK bailing us out as we are 'friendly aliens' but here, in the republic, most of the news actually does include english politics, law, international law, war etc.
we dont even get mentioned until the ship is sinking - ah a remedy for the seasickness, i forgot that one entirely.
now i am going to see if the twin is alive on the other side of the world, as its usual when i am thinking of bed, she will be thinking of the day ahead and may first look at her own emails etc so strike when the iron is hot, i say.
bye for now.
sleep well.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I lead a very exciting life - SERIOUSLY

You do have to retain a sense of humour i guess.
I am going to now write with a posh accent on this one.
whether it be a faulty towers accent, a middle class accent, ummm the english conservative posh accent, well one has to use the imagination.

Yes, this is not imagination, best part of a week in bed in pain and exhaustion and the delivery of a bed cage to keep the blankies off the body and a humidifier i myself bought to keep the air moist (yes moist, as i now cannot sleep on the swinger, did you feel the temp out there, not to mention the motion of the wind)?
No i need the moisture to counteract what bit of heating i have on - none at present and the window IS open.
as i was cosseted up in the bed, wrapped in the 'going slowly' in order to try rid a sjogrens flare and prevent the bloody steroids being added to the cocktail i hear a 'rap rap' on the door, dark, the said door was bolted. the curtain draft excluder and the sausage dog excluder should have been excluding but nope.
my teeth went in, my dressing gown on, my hearing aids in, my glasses on and i face the yapping chihuahuas growl at the potential intruder - turned out to be a law enforcer!
Dead right, one of them.
with FIVE summonses to appear in court, FIVE.  yep, AND what is worse, its to appear on the day before my birthday, the day i hoped to escape to enjoy two days pampering with my next in hair colour and age!
to say i was startled was putting it mildly.
i rang a friendly guard, whose wife is an avid gardener.  she gave me a massive lesson on what to do with my raspberry stakes, my cuttings and bulbs and do the prep for all the frost which will be thrown at us.
the uniform was hung as the body underneath was in a shower - at home!
I asked her would she bring a orchid to decorate my cell and could i come round to continue the lessons when i am let out?
the gentleman was now clothed, laughed and reassured me 'you are not going to prison' he knows of this case alright.
it happened a while back and the said enforcer was packed off to the midlands for she was deemed out of order, but not before she did a sting, there is a similar word used in the law enforcement agencies, a sting is a stake out where you find or get someone eh?
well she has put the stake in...this should be very interesting indeed.
i rather not spent the day waiting around the courts actually it can take hours and pain is rife in a sitting position for that lenght of time.
so we now have the distraction of a different kind.

this isnt by any manner of means, the case of A being the cause of a fatal road accident, but rather a case of a person with a tax disc out of date but i am tax exempt and it says so on the disc and i wasnt carrying drivers liscence for a very short journey, no bag, i said i would bring to local station and i did next day.
we shall fight it out in the courts, dont the film stars say that?
they go to court over the colour of their partners socks!!
well my moan and rant was of a more humous kind but i wont be feeling that after it, pretty much the same as after the incident, in bloody agony.
yikes the life i lead is sure interesting if nothing else - i wander am i a reincarnation? and what on earth would or could i have done when i was on the earth a last time, and if it aint going too good this time round, what will i come back next time as  ---suggestions needed....imagination is needed too on this one....c'mon, i need to liven up the blog, for the error of my ways what shall i come back at? and i deserve comments for putting my life on the block, er. the gilluotine is temporariliy out of order - yes, TYPOS! woo

Monday, November 15, 2010

Ms. Harney, this is SIMPLY NOT GOOD ENOUGH

 i feel it is an OUTRAGE for human beings to neglect the least well off in health terms and as i have said on these issues a CRIME - against humanity and i have to, simply have to point the finger at Ms Harney our Minister for Health.
When so much was hoped for, so many people ploughing in FREE time and expertise, into the valuable document 'vision for change' it is an insult to that input of hope and vision for changes.
Ms. Harney, when we considered all the implications of the then mental health services and considered them in tandem with providers, carers, staff and most of all the 'expert patients,' I unashamedly admit being one, to drop the level of funding to 5% is a CRIME - against HUMANITY.

All the persons involved in this document had integrity in common.
To CHANGE our service for so many Irish people suffering so badly.
You cannot slash the budget to this level.  You have thrown all and sundry basically into the streets of social housing without any community care team practises set up.  this was the first stupid act for so called change to 'community care,'
now we are going to see, no community care, no inpatient care, no community nurses, day centres and all the patients, actually not patients but PEOPLE who happen to be different, live a life of no worth or hope but growing brain dead on medication for want of stimulation, therapy and a place to go for company, security and friendship.

What Ms. Harney do you propose these people do during a day of say depression without a visitor.
A day with a psychotic episode which brings abject terror, to shut inside alone with that sort of thinking and despair and fright, again without a visitor.
What do you propose people to do during a day when they know themselves that they will not receive a kind word, a smile, a chat or even be able to build a relationship or a person for companionship. Do YOU feel the isolation all these groups of people have in common. NO, and many do not.

so you start a suicide prevention programme!  You start that before you start 'Vision for Change' and you start it on the cusp of degrading peoples lives through unemployment, repossesion of their homes, family strife and trauma and again the lonely and sick are left alone knowing this.  They know full well, a cut will mean more isolation and more dependency on strong medication.

This is a very shocking thing to say Ms. Harney, why don't you round up all the mentally ill and psychologically challenged, the brain damaged little children and adults, the people who have been raped and traumatised for life, the abused people children and adults of religious, the abused people of the various institutions through the decades, the poor on the bridges with the plastic cup, the heroin addicts, the alcoholics, the penniless, the adolescents who are engaging in anti social behaviour, those who have asperger or autism, those with learning difficulties, deafness, blindness and those in wheelchairs and those trapped in old age in the dying cages and put em all along the equivilant of the GREAT wall of China and shot them and me?
what will you then have left to deal with?
Rogues, the bankers, civil servants, the government, the universities and their staff, the museums and art galleries and their staff and participators, and of course you will need the plumbers to unblock your toilets.
but once you have the basics of money and its riches and what it can provide you can sit back and act, the zombie, the persons who have it all to yourselves and not think twice of the rotting corpses in the so called lower stata of society.
This day of human disintegration seems to be acting out in our political domain, irregardless of who it effects or hurts, and be sure it wont hurt you.
I am ashamed of my government who stoops so low to cap the budget on mental health spending to 5% of the health services provision.  That is more than half of what it was in the year of the publication of 'vision for change' which you were expected to launch but didnt show up!

The brief you have as Minister for Health means just that, but alas we also have the incompetent HSE, which was supposed to have been changed around (also) by Mr. Brendan Drumm and in fact, it is far worse under his charge than it ever was.

Lets all start 'praying' at least that costs nothing and may do more than our governments and departments of health!

Working through Flare and its working

Yes, I am!  also the brain is MUCH calmer today.
Lots of sleep yesterday (including on the swingseat outside) and a walk on the seafront.

It was a day for inner calm.  At times it kinda saddened me how few humans were in my life but then again, i have never quite known what to DO with them.  Its not if they are comfortable being on a lead for a walk up the hill or by the sea and sniffing poo all the way, and as for peeing on the wet and frosty leaves, oh what a come down, Ugh sorry, and yes, tad bit tickly frosty on the butt i should think.
but you cannot then say to em, "ah good girl' or 'Just a bit longer now and i will dry you when we get home"
I DO talk to my dogs, and I fare better than with the adults.
There are some gentle adults, tall and short, some spirited and spiky and some don't say a word but are sweltering with venom-spiky inside, that comes out on 'their good day' DO not be at the receiving end of this sort of spikyness, worse kind and worse effect, depending which side you are on.
They are the Malamutes of today, the ones that are just hell bent on picking on a small beastie a tinch of their size.
And a Malamute did just that to my Maggie Mai yesterday, but luckily all Maggie got was a fright, as she looked up at me and the hip dysplasia was surely displaced with fright!
i got the fangs in my legs but luckily i had very thick trousers on.  I got a fright too.
Like the malamute humans, these walked away with a sort of giggle and not much else leaving the weenies traumatised to get on with it.

As reported i slept on the swinger, i had to remove all the water, dry that off, go get the cushions which were in a long cushion box at the end of the raised bed and then came out the blankets, pillows, cream, artificial tears, sunglasses, a drink (soft), hearing aids, mobile and a hot water bottle.
for best results too, gloves and a foot warmer piggy with floppy ears, PINK.
that went on my head! yeps, he did or should that be she did.
the ears got in the way a bit, and i giggled.
Maggie mai and Ana soon joined me and slept under the blanket on top of the hot water bottle, we all snuggled up in the cold, eskimo style and i loved it.
watching me intently with glistening eyes was a pigeon, one, with glassy eyes staring and watching, when he fluffed up his feathers and went down on his belly i knew my enemy was in for the long haul.  But he was cute, being the only one, and curious too.

Do you think it worth it for an hour to do so much prep only to abandon for the bed.
Yes, how could you replace natural air, the sounds of the birds, and the vegation that exudes that special musty, grassy smell, it is all a joy to the natural senses God gave us.

inside your body does something, it fails to understand artificial heat.  your eyes go crazy with grit in, well no grit in but it feels that way.
and you squinch them up, trying to find the tears in a bottle is like looking for a needle in a haystack.
Oh and on goes the humidifier.
Sjoggies, i do believe this is a MUST in the dry air of electricity.
I did to prove i am not too lazy in illness, clear out the wheelchair hut which held anything but wheelchairs, it does now.  I put two washes on, went and bought bird feed and walked the trotters.
Bed found me taking two valium and more painkillers on top of my own meds cos i was in flipping agony.
a chair under the soft blankies worked, to not have anything touch a roaring body which was wrething in agony.
and off to noddy with me at around 2am.
on waking the chair still in place i had maggie mai one side of me on a cushion looking straight into my eyes, and the other, the fatty, propping me up on the other, so i was sandwiched, yep i was literally sandwiched.
it isnt any better now as maggie is On top of ana, and has head leaning over my left elbow to see if she approves of what i scribble.
From that start i hope i have a good day, and i wish you all the same where ever you are.  And g'day to my friends in Australia too.