A very HSE day

it was a difficult day.

I was SO tired as the HSE official and a Council official plus twin, plus disab advocate and surveyor stood in my new home yesterday to discuss the merits of the rebuild aka adaptation grant.

Why oh why does a man have to stand over you when you so tired you cannot even be as tall as him (them) and say such things as 'why did you not have a project manager?'
'Why did you get such a door?'

of the first - no money, does it occur to anyone at all, in 60yrs of life, i hardly ever worked and when you are ill and get a grant (i asked for a bit extra for just that, a project manager)! and when you are ill and have not been a brickie nor a glazier nor an architect nor a builder, how on earth do i know anything about patio doors?

I do know aesthetically what i would wish for, but thats about it.

so that part of the day was fraught, leading to knackerland.
After that fraught day i proceeded that eve to wallpaper the back wall of the bedroom, change the colour throws on the bed and sofa to try, attempt squeeze some juice of enthusiasm from some place.
result, even more knackered and so to bed, 1am.

the day also started badly.
no bread for my lovely spanish lady which upset me cos i was too tired yesterday to go to bank and go get money.
no money in the tank for petrol which meant a diversion on the way to town at first possible chance to get a post office open.
i had to aim for that as i then would have been too late for the dentist.
this took me back to where i had come before i hit G.....
and once on the sniff of familiarity i burst into tears and that finished off today too!
Again the angst set in against one body of our care service, the HSE.
the very HSE who effectively destroyed my life as i know it, in the only way the HSE know how to do this.
I believe they do it with such finesse and with such flourish that it had to be honed to perfection in other peoples' lives before i was so unfortunate to meet the HSE!

You meet the HSE through Health.
usually BAD health, they come on board in a sort of invasive way.  You are referred to the HSE and when very sick they refer you to  many in the HSE, in fact the Health Service IS the HSE!

and soon you are consumed and denied even a life due to the HSE and being flooded, so that you bloody drown and are effectively taken over.

My life ended when the very first HSE person entered my life in my own home.
she walked into my life and walked out, leaving a trail of devastation.
this included managing to pursuade me to move out of an apartment and area i utterly adored.
At first i told her 'no way, i was leaving in a box'
after that she 'worked on me.'

so much so i left.
not only there but the whole county. Why did i leave the county?  i was allocated a dangerous small social housing unit that wasnt first inspected by the HSE as to its suitability and in the end i had children shoot at me and alcoholic men jump walls to attack me when the council spray painted out the parking bays of men who had lived in this area for over 14yrs, for a tosh that is me... as this bay was needed for a person with a disability who has a van that is adapted.
and there were messages to the HSE.
many!
and they all advised the famous HSE about how i dealt with change, (badly.)
how i needed certain things, (i did).
and all these messages were from consultants.
and all to a letter were either ignored, or at worst lost in the paperwork of HSE which has gone out of control, pretty much like the HSe.
at team meetings which were held in urgency when it went pear shaped found even the social worker not penning the fact that someone far more superior in status and experience was actually present in the room!  That person being my twin sister!  A social worker trainer in another country and with a doctorate, she was sitting there at his side and not even noted as present on that day at that team meeting.  That, my friends is as bad as it gets.

the day that Reilly says in the Dail that the HSE is gone, will be the day i will crack champagne over the heads of those who destroyed my life

it will be as jubilant as the George of Cambridge.
just as.
the dynasty has ended.
the dictatorship has been broken.
the king has lost his head and humpty dumpty will never be put together again.

thats the day i hope will come in my lifetime.

Also i shall digress for a minute, but not long.

I also want to see the day that disabled people stand up and be counted.
because i believe they are crushed and squashed like i was and have been.
One thing i will not do, is name it.
the abuse of the sick.
and I name it in and within the HSE.

I also want everyone who has to struggle ill health, struggle disability and struggle disadvantage, to not grovel for needs to be met, but to stand tall with dignity and face full frontal all who want to put you down and crush rather than lift up.
Anyone who denies another freedom to enjoy the life they were and are entitled to shall be named, in full.
there are so many within this organisation who stood by and let what happened me happen. i have to say as a collective entity they are equal in their efforts to not uphold the values which is in the job descriptions they hold.
the denial of their duty reeks through the pages of documents and how they manage to lift the phone and get the votes of colleagues so their backs and fronts are covered and so its an infected collective disease.
the HSE.

If the HSE feel and believe that i have gone away they are very much mistaken.
the pink bowler howler rules ok.
and for sure.
the pink bowler will not be hung up like old rugby boots until i can say i have been vindicated.
the day that justice is done for one individual who cruelly met up with the HSe and was put down by the HSE will be the day, a beginning of a routing of a sort.
the beginning of one individual who has enabled others to start their own personal battles for their needs to be met.
not grovelling.
not being shoved into the spot of 'Its all your fault!'
this is a factor of dynamic the HSE are particularly good at.
turning things askew.
but the wheels are turning.
and i believe i have it beneath the bowler hat, pink in colour, supported with the other pink bowler to say to the HSE - This is one individual you cannot mess around with.

I do have supporters.
there are still many who see me as kind, though fragile.
kind and gentle though at times too vocal, as in vocalizing distress.
kind and giving, and i do this, i believe in spades.
i am also creative, practical and inventive.
you learn that by being poverty stricken and never leaving that zone either.

one day it will be the part of who i am that is fully appreciated.
but will only be so once the HSE departs from their format of 'slash and burn' tactics.
because the HSE is so powerful it does destroy, and has destroyed.
look to the annuals of how they treat those of the children of this state who have been unfortunate enough to be cared for the state.
what happened, many are now - DEAD before they have reached the age of 21yrs old.

and that is directly due to lack of professionalism, of - THE HSE.

time is not on my side for diplomacy.
there is no sweet talking from me, because we have not the decade left to sort stuff and things are slow enough to get done in this country.
I have gone directly to the jugular here.
i have had to because, time my friends.

who it be any better anyway if i stated in a sealed and closed letter "to whom it concerned, I am writing to the HSE to kindly request that they be kind to me."
i doubt that would work.
WE ARE kind is their answer and so be it.
their unkindness has to be dealt with in this format.
the unkind way.
for now.
Do i know the HSE read this.
i guess some do peek in.
i guess they do.

To this very day i see and remember the first day the HSE knocked on my door, for the first time.
I don't wish to remember it.