Waiting to die in Ireland

today i woke at 5.30am.
Dawn had come, all were asleep except I.

walking in the garden so early, with the help of a stick so i wouldnt fall over with sleepy eyes i was profoundly lost.

Here i was in a creation of mine.
Lovely, in every way.
I had constructed from nothing a beautiful garden adored also by the birds which i love so much.
each nook lovely crafted and planted.
a magical shed at the end for all garden sheds are that, they are imagination givers.

but as i wandered in the silence i noted this.
silence.
i smelt moist air, beautiful air but within and without there was silence.
my heart felt empty and broken up.

i felt a lost soul.

In Ireland, for the past decade things happened way beyond my understanding personally.
In Ireland though severely traumatised by events both social, physical and communal i received no help at all.

We vote soon.
where will i place myself in the context of being Irish.

No one should have been battered by state in such a manner as i have and also my dear twin sister.
No one can say 'we are a modern society' and yet in such leave a sick, a single abused woman between alcoholic men to live out her days with a disability.
but not only this, the social housing unit was so tiny no wheelchair would fit, least of all be opened fully in any room.
to place a single woman alone in an enclave of alcholics was wrong.
but morally wrong to leave her when she was subjected to bullying, harrassment, attack and finally being shot at.

appeals for help from state, government, local government, family and church plus the health service all went unheard.
deafened as i am and for which i fully understand its meaning.

i was left work it all out for myself the best way i could.
when i did, by leaving like a war victim i came to a county where further abuse happened.
this times at the hands of the HSE.

a person buying a first home after years in a social housing unit and a person who becomes excited at doing so, believe peace is nigh should not then be made change the structure of it, design of it to suit the health service executive.
No person who spends over 200,000k for her home should be bullied again to do this.
This is exactly what the HSE made me do or wanted to make me do.
after a bitter and drawn out fight i won, because its illegal, simply that, its illegal so someone saw that it was and removed this demand of the services, which is paid by my govenment and allowed by my government to run ruckshod over sick people.

the HSE didnt like losing this battle and now pitch a vengance on a sicker person, a sadder person and a person who wants only to flee again, away from this county that never welcomed me, where i do feel utterly displaced at the end of my life.

the HSE had the power to offer me psychological support, has the power to offer both my twin and i a social worker to help us cope with trauma, change and severe disability.
they also have the power to give us physiotherapy, specialised shoes and proper powered wheelchairs.
they deny us ALL OF THESE.

when i wonder around my beautiful garden in a county where i know noone, where the chance of this are slim because i am tired, burnt out and feeble, and feel no energy left to start all over again, i think of the local and european elections.

i think of Ireland and its choices after selfish, greedy, government abetted rich people burnt out my country and then sold it to the europeans lock stock and barrel what do i feel being here at this time of fatal destruction of a small country.

i feel Ireland betrayed its own.
it cut out vast swathes of its people to the hope of living even half way decent.
it raised the cap on its own earning and lowered that of more vulnerable people.

in essence, the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer.

also at 61 i fully realise that no one does care anymore.

placing a video experiement gone viral in france of what would the reaction be of a man collapsing in the street be of passers by.
we see the actor dressed as a tramp in one and as a well heeled man in another.
we know what happened.

there was no good samaritan.
for the tramp.

they walked on by, all walked on by.

i put this up on a young persons page on face book, i was immediately rounded upon and unfriended.
he objected by whatever i wished to infer by putting it there.
i didnt wish to infer anything, i asked him as a young person to make a comment thats all.
but what he then chose to do delete it, just abouts makes the comment!

we have a society now that doesnt like such major questions of themselves.
who cut throats if anyone mentions social concience, disability or vulnerabilty online.
you are not to speak of it.
only who can mend a washing machine please or does anyone know of a local plumber.
but talk of bigger issues it isnt allowed for all this is so not nice in a world that has enough misery.
actually by acting on all that is so not nice we create a world less full of misery.

getting back to the Ireland of the day, its citizens power of the vote etc.
what Ireland?
what country?

who am i in all of this?
as a person who lived a full 61yrs of dreadful life from cradle to now, with no assistance at all from anyone when ever i was down on my luck and i was down often, i dont exist.
should i vote then.
why should i when i am so abandoned waiting to die in this god forsaken country and county.

well i will, because i believe in it.
i also believe that if you hate something badly enough you will want to change it.

its a loathesome situation we have here in ireland for the 600,000 people with disabilities.
it isnt for the people who object about being asked to make a comment on a social experiement of tramp v. rich.

its dire here for us.
depression for us is just a waking experience and if in pain you dont get away from it in sleep.

you dont get away from the fact that you know, today and tomorrow not a friend will ask if you ok, not a family member will visit maybe with a cake and not a government department will act decently toward you.

but i vote to make change for others now.
if enough cared it would be a better society.

but we have puffed up penquins around now.
those who are too posh to puch.
those who believe only they themselves count
and those who believe the only thing worth acquiring is money.
the falsies have arrived in full and place them there online as selfies.

i vote for change.
i will vote this blasted crowd that ruined lives OUT.