a dialogue with myself

this is really a dialogue with you.

its me being a musing individual musing away about whats on my mind.

as i am trying to cull my paper mountains i decided to gather up all the files i have on the Irish Health Service Executive.
i have so much because so much has gone wrong for me.
i am staggered to see the amount of files in my home from this source.
these came to me under Freedom of Information going back many years now, certainly since i became so ill.

Freedom of information in ireland is a misnomer, for its not free information.
on ALL of my files i have been denied this and that citing 'third party confidentiality'  but this is another way of saying 'dont show HER THAT!'

its a way round taking responsibility or being shown up at fault.

many things within a space of three quarters of an hours reading said one thing to me, in well over a decade nothing has changed about the way they deal with people.

here goes:
'I am very concerned that the social housing unit is having a detrimental effect on her physical health and her mental wellbeing'
'this is a housing issue not a health issue.'
the former said by the HSE
the latter said by the HSE
both said by the same person!

'As expected, another complaint'
this is good because they fully are aware i do not go away that easily, but then when i follow on reading:

' where is the PA services that was promised me? what happened to it.
where are the shoes sanctioned for me, where are they?

Regarding the housing again:

'they (the council) said she is only entitled to a one bed housing unit as she is a single person, she already has a two bed unit'
i will write further to the general manager.'
both said by the OT manager.

further along we hear:

we had no input into the allocation of this social housing unit.
we were not informed.
we would not have sanctioned it if we had known.

ok then ....
if you are dealing with a seriously ill woman who has been pursuaded by the hse to move because of risk, why do they not have input, why have they not been informed of where i was to be rehoused and if they wouldnt have sanctioned it, what do they do then?
the said OT was on extended leave during all the time of the relocation, the allocation and the transfer and no HSE official could be found around this time.

That said, the council too should never have allocated without referring to the HSE who actually was advocating with the council for my needs to be met./
dirty underhanded stuff here.

'she doesnt deal well with change.'
she gets verbally abusive under stress'

and Yes, i agree, i do not deal well with change, and under stress i shout.
I have asperger syndrome and thats why this comes about.
'we are very concerned about the effects on her physical health and mental wellbeing.'
tosh.
'she has expressed suicidal ideation'
well what have you done about it or ever done about it.
i do not deal well with stress.

so far the HSE has heard many times i feel suicidal due to stress of being unheard, no services, horrendous name calling and yet they do not see ever that the lack of action, bad action and profound stress is constantly edging a person towards suicide.
they do nothing to prevent moving me from a safe psychological state to a very unsafe one in both counties and they do it REPEATEDLY.

so when they had said on more than one occassion 'i am very concerned for her mental wellbeing...\
do you believe them?
no.
and they should be concerned,
but they are not.
because if they were they would make sure their actions followed those words, something that actually is always investigated in a case of suicide.

when someone who is vulnerable commits suicide and are heavily involved with the HSE there is uproar in the media.
they say, 'we shall investigate so this will never happen again.'
if the HSE do investigate after such a death so that it never happens again, why is it happening again and again and again?

why are they bringing their clients to the brink of suicide and not preventing such an occurance, especially when they are 'very concerned about the mental wellbeing of so and so.'

because they are not very concerned about so and so.
if they were they would make sure that person is safe from harm. psychological harm, and personal safety by swiftly putting to right what is very wrong and causing a spiralling downward effect on a persons psyche.

does anyone see what i am getting at?
its bizarre

they are so USED to behaving the way they do, they either feel it will all blow over and everyone will be fine or they say, if it doesnt and we have (a suicide) we will put out a 'very concerned' notice to the media that this has happened and will 'investigate.'
the HSE seems to ride every storm.
but one things for sure their mistakes cannot be hidden forever.

they are making mistakes.
they are playing with peoples lives.
they are damaging peoples lives and wellbeing.
they have damaged mine.
they have made not one iota of amends to the damage they have done to me.  NOt one.

they have litigations ongoing the length and breath of Ireland.
everyone knows this.
the HSE still think they are a fine ship.

well one person doesn't, I don't.
because less than an hours reading of personal files has me aghast, but then every time i read those files i am in disbelief.

we have a dangerous national service here.