a bad day in the setting of a village turned town

who could blame me in hating where i live?
I do hate it.

this was to be the last and final resting place for myself and my twin sister.

but it isnt going to be, for me anyway.

i think after all this time which is five years, its been loathesome from the beginning til now with very little let up.
when i say from 'village to town' i mean that, in the context of the irish village to town.

i was virtually lynched.
my poor twin had to withness this and watch it, feeling helpless and rather guilty, but she had no reason to feel this, but she sure was left feeling helpless and dragged down by it all.

does anyone understand how it feels to feel afraid to go into one's own magnificent garden that you bought, nurtured and created?
i do.
does anyone understand how it feels to walk a couple hundred metres and wonder who my neighbours are, what they think when they see me and for what reasons?
i do.
so does my twin.

if others say 'what matters what people say.'
well it does to me, because i am sensitive and i have had a poor life living in high low self confidence and self esteem.
but before i came to this village, i was high on self esteem and confidence.
i had trancended difficulties that many wouldnt even have to attempt to surmount.
i did it and was tremendously pleased with myself.
until i came to this village which ripped my soul asunder.
when i say this village has nearly destroyed me, i say this with my hand on my heart and i am not the only one who can vouch for this, apart from my twin many can vouch for it.

i want out.
and i want out fast.
meaning asap i need to get back to kindness and care and something of comfort, a town i can feel part of and feel lifted up not constantly put down and put upon.

i wish i could be more explicit but right now i cannot.
because i still have to live here.
i have promised those who live in this town i will tell them why i feel the way i do when i leave.

but before i do i want to tell both the townspeople, and many others, enter this parish at your peril.
remember they will inspect you instantly and ask questions later.
they could label you immediately without finding out whether they are right or wrong about it, i mean now of the defamation kind.
there are rules here like none other, certainly i hit 59yrs of life without ever thinking this sort of thing existed.
they can tell you five years later, actually there is no policy for what we did there, (HSE).
and there is no solution to it becuase no one feels its worth solving, not for them anyway but it doesnt care whether i feel its worth it, which i do.
one of the first thing i wish i could do is rip down the bloody notice at the entry to this village, that of 'the best place to live in 2008'
do they not realise its 2015 and certainly things have changed for my experience is anything but offering flavour of the month or year here, because its been the exact opposite.
anyone been afraid of facing the mainstreet unless absolutely necessary, eg going to bank or getting pension.

as for the doctor i have now, two visits and my first that would accept me here after four years is another example of well pretty horrid i have to say.
this was withnessed as i brought someone with me.
and it continues.
what people find so delightful here is anyones guess because as an educated person who has lived all sorts of lives, i see nothing polished and good about it.
to me its a nasty little hub, maybe terrific for some, but how long do you have to be here before it is?
five years seems a lifetime and its not getting much better in fact for me its become more and more unbearable.
how i ask for help to get out is also another thing.
how do i?
and would could.
would anyone be at all interested?
i doubt it

will it end...when will it end...can myself and twin sister find peace and a bit of happiness?

both of us are tired today, very.

tired tired tired tired tired tired

Newcastle UK test which discovered why we are so tired all the time, but not the cause and not the answer.

Margaret came with me to my new GP.

i was terrified of her after my first meeting with her.  today she announced that they do only one set of bloods per year, i presume that is for public patients.  that actually was a shock to me, i have never heard of this before.
don't get sick then and ask for bloods if you have had one in a year.
this is actually bizarre i have to say.

my twin is tired, tired, tired, tired.....too.

moving on twin and i had a bit of a tiff.
the stress of where we are and what we are going to do, how to make decisions when options are so little and we have next to no help in making them or having ideas materialise for us.

we feel incredibly alone and frightened.
i think with good reason.

again the bloody issue of the wheelchairs, still four years on not sorted.
again too the unhappiness i feel down here and our weariness to decide what to do about it all.

this is all a result of one very large organisation.
the HSE.
yes, i know some of them see my blogs and bother to come here to read.
few are willing to help us.
few care.
but why then do they do the jobs they do?
why do they pretend to care and get paid to care when they do not?

to me more are now so unhappy with the hse it beggars belief.
litigation is through the roof.
not only now are the HSE shoring up funds to support their losses, but also sending back others when they fail to spend designated budgets.
its so crazy.
in between the patients are lost entirely.

Ireland now is only one of two countries in the EU not to ratify the convention on the rights of those with disabilities, this leads to strain and unequal treatment for those of us disabled.
so they basically can do anything to us.
this of course is against human rights but without this clause that they support our rights, we have no rights.
there is nothing to stop the government not ratifying the convention so say the lawyers at Galway University.
there is nothing impeding this, except the wish that the government want, to have us under their control so we do not have a say.
but we can have a say when it comes to the election.
more then the disabled will vote with the vote.
we will walk away after deciding that we need this government out of our lives, for downright betrayal full square betrayal both of our need and our rights as citizens of this state.

we are both tired tired tired of it all

still further more are asking, if the economy is improving, well where is it improving?
whose lives are further enriched in recent times by the economy improving.
i hate to tell them, no one i know either workers or non workers, the struggle is the same and more at the food banks and soup kitchens.
like never before.
our last soup kitchens were set up by the Quakers during the famine.
we have a famine here for most of the poor but  none of the rich, who are getting richer.

i still say no matter what way you look at it, solving budget overspending by giving out eleven year old cobbled together old wheelchairs, that go into walls with a patient in it, is not the answer.
there is an answer.
i doubt the hse is so skint they cannot provide for us.
it just that they cannot manage either the service or the budgets.
they lack that skill, and its a skill.
there is duplication and overkill on bureaucracy.
they have a bank for the lawyers who are employed by the HSE and another for the litigation, another for the 'just in case' and leaving none for the 'urgent cases and the needy cases.'
this is the way they operate.
rather than have the lawyers and the litigation cases, why not have best practice which will kill off the lawyers need and the litigation need.

if you work well then you wont be sued.
it works in theory, but also in practise.

everyone knows its all a shite shambles.
even the HSE know that.
its hell to be at the receiving end and hell to work within it.
its a case of man bites dog.
but suffering is now endemic and dangerous.

we have a serious case here.
we have too many serious cases and i am extremely worried.

oh, as i got up a few stairs today to see the doctor she exclaims aghast, why do you need wheelchairs, you got up those stairs, i tell you i despair, and its very much a case of
'Jesus wept.'
my twin and i limped exhausted back to the van with our two sticks apiece, if only people could FEEL the pain, the tiredness and the sickness.
since when are the only group of people seen to need a wheelchair those with snapped spines.

here is my 'educated guess'  i am sick!

come on, will you try at least to pretend to be educated.

happy land - is it?

i have not posted in a long while.

this is called tiredness

i guess just very tired.

trying to sort messes isn't easy and its tiring.
trying to live in a mess is tiring.

the biggest exhausting issue i have remains living in Happy land, Ireland (huh?) with a disability.

the same, the same the same yawn yawn yawn and more like tears, tears and more tears and a major sleep disorder....i am not sleeping.

the lack of sleep is due to profound distress.
try it.
waking each day thinking of the HSE.

yes, this has been said before.
and its more of the same again, over and over.

what really astonishes me is that no one in Ireland is good at resolving complex issues, or any issues for that manner.
they just grow, like a septic boil, they grow.
nothing actually gets done here.

because certainly it takes forever to solve problems.
emails amount in their thousands.
letters almost the same, certainly the same amount of pages.
phone calls are double the first and second of above.
engagement with HSE officials rank in the hundreds.
engagements with departmental officials and departments rang in the hundreds.
ringing, emailing, letter sending to td's councillors and senators, also mount up to hundreds.
you can cite the websites as much as you like, because i have been through them all.
there are policies and procedures coming out of your ears, none are adhered to and its all a gloss over - nothing, nothing happens here.

we do have policies, we do have guidelines, we do have projections and prospectives and agendas, we have all that but they get lost in the melee of er, nothing.
nothing happens, nothing gets done, nothing gets followed.

you can find a place where you are exonerated, but you cannot find out how to get exonerated!
you can find anything but it leads er, nowhere.

what is rotten about Ireland
with not alot changed since this image was taken

we are talking of Ireland and we are talking about justice, health, equality, disability, ageism and economics.
we are talking about a crooked bent country hell bent on putting it out there we are a fab happy land with happy landers.
we are anything but.
the only good thing about Ireland is its beauty and its people, if you can over ride the undercurrent of deviousness and lack of willingness to engage in a purposeful manner in all things that need er, solving.
but we laugh, we drink and we have green lands.
lots of it.
we will be celebrating winning soon, that is winning our country from oppression.
we are inviting the oppressor to a fine multimillion slap up lavish celebration.
but we are now losing the country on a grand scale possibly even grander than when we first took hold of it, when we won it.

there are people here who actually see what is happening.
what matters though is, there are people here who actually see what is happening and say, er nothing...nothing happens see...in happy land.

there is this laid back, in case.
in case i get the sack.
in case i am disliked (not that is a biggie in the Irish context of things)
in case i get rubbished, or far worse.
but what could be worse than being honest?

why do people in Ireland not say it as it is.
well i will tell you why - its oppression.

the fact that people remain silent is because there is a backlash to goodness.
its called oppression.
we have known it before now we are doing it to our own.
there are good people there, but if you say, squeak about wrongdoing you are crushed.

we have a bloody inferiority complex that the outside (rest of the world, if they even know where we are in the world) should not know how corrupt we are.
well they DO, they are getting to know and what more, we are not getting better, we are getting better at being corrupt.

but for me, at 62yrs at the end of my life and i didn't have a life, not one that any would recognise as one, i am tired.
all i want is to see if it possible that i enjoy a decade out of my life of plenty of misery.
i don't think this is asking too much.

sitting, waiting, dreading returning home.

but to achieve this would only occur if i took the greatest leap ever and got out of the country altogether.
because i am not convinced that the ways of the Irish can ever become so level that all will have an equal chance to an equal level of happiness and quality.

waiting for the train to arrive

i do not believe in Ireland anymore.
i believe we don't own it, don't seem to want to own it and do not own the way we do business, the crooked way we do business.
this includes our ways of dealing with health.
its becoming like the economy.
fast bucks for Nada.

we do not seem to care and i am feeling all and every bit of this.
i also feel abused, neglected, harassed to death by the health care services.

when i leave wicklow and believe me i will, i will be hard pressed to feel able to take anyone down here again even to get a glimpse at its beauty.
i feel very betrayed by wicklow.
i invested my life in wicklow and certainly i got more than my fair share of utter grief.
its been so appalling words fail me.
but i have had Pm's on face book, that many times dreaded medium telling me that my feelings are their feelings, exactly.

meanwhile i am tired.
we are making so little progress here.
and i am still going through hell on earth, with the hse.