the night terror continues but what will new year bring

in reality for most, days run after each other and all the thoughts and the pain continue, i do not think anyone is able to switch that lightbulb in the head.
the lightbulb goes out permanently when there is death or an end to a crisis, a situation or a trauma.

for me the lightbulb remains, but mostly comes to hit at night and in the silent hours of the day.
its there for a few reasons but mainly for one alone, which hits the neurons like none other.

the HSE.
it has caused me such agonising grief and pain like none other.
with a kindly, very kindly conversation with a member of the HSE who rang to wish me well over christmas, he stated that others see the situation differently to myself.
Of course they do!
they ARE the HSE and they are that for nothing.

they know why they see the situation differently, becuase the warped thinking within such a mafiosi organisation says that there is one thing only for them, as opposed to the sick, is, their organisation's integrity must be held intact against even the fleas that hop.

but the strange thing about all this is
1.  the healthcare services was formed to help the sick and vulnerable.
2.  every person in Ireland can see through the 'group think' of the HSE, and really understands what the HSe really is all about, and this i am sure the HSE know, unless of course they are really not listening at all to anyone.  Everyone is aware what the HSE is about - protecting themselves like no other organisation in the state.

We also know health care is not about health but budget.

the reason its about budget is because the HSE and those who were bought in about two years to put management onto a more professional standing still cannot get the HSE to budget well.  At all.

for instance.
problem solving.

problems are solved when they are faced square on.
it saves time to do this.
it saves everyone grief from all angles.
it saves time during the processes of letter writing, phone calls, emails, stamps, office time and group discussions.
it doesnt make economic sense to be answering letters and emails for over five years and do nothing at all.
it absolutely doesnt make sense to be answering the government of the day or representatives, almost on a daily basis about the pain of another and making excuses for why it is occurring.
to bash and bully sick people, is perverse.

it literally is very perverse.
the reason why the HSE was formed was to help the sick and the vulnerable.

why do i not sleep anymore - i feel tortured.
why - HSE are doing this to me.
why is there no let up, simply because the HSE have not done a damn thing to sort a mess of their creation.
alas, they have a situation where they join up arm in arm like the rugby line up during the National anthem, the gig a bit, they shuffle but all along the way they link like a chain in the dynamic all known to well in group participatory sports of a high calibre.
they have 'group think' down to a fine art, and the responses.

when this kindly gentleman rings me and says he is sorry he has been unable to move things on a bit faster for us, i thank him but know to batter against the same individuals, is like flogging a dead horse.

and we have more waste of money.

but what will the new year bring for me.
i am unsure.
when the district nurse txts me and says 'i hope 2016 will be a happier one.'
she knows how terrible i feel.

she also knows where i stand in the pecking order of family and the level of isolation i feel within this area and within the family and county.

i feel very much like as if i am on robin island.
i am very alone.

christmas has been and it is obvious where i stand.
again as twins receiving one slim book from one relative to share with twin sister by way of my christmas present which is also a book that is self published is mean and unfair as we are two different adults.
we cannot get them to think that twinship is not a blood, body bind, it is individuals who were born like this by mistake and chose their own path and ways and are in fact very different.
needing yes, the same love because we are also compared as in 'virtue compared'  which is sick and perverse too.
but then to have people not care enough to buy a present for us as individuals, and to clump two relatives together to get one item for a twin is unfair.

it shows, where love stands i am afraid.
Love is shown by deciding to show it.
to decide to save money by lumping together two individuals into one for expediency is wrong and we see this as lack of love for the individual.
and mean.
they have at least as much to give as two pensioners with high overhead expenses on a very fixed budget and which will never rise at all.

so will 2016  see a change.
someone on facebook put up a saying, you cannot change another but you can change yourself.

i intend to.
for too long i have been bashed and my confidence shattered, intensionally by state and family.
the only way up out of this is by me, bringing myself in to a place i know i have been before.
i have been happy, cofident and proud of what i have done in adversity.

to revel in this pride can only be achieved by piling on achievement after achievement.
this i intend to do.

of the HSE well i will never give up my stance, that there, i hold myself not to blame in any shape or form to what has happened here.
too many confirm for me that this is the case, and i have known from others too who struggle in the same fashion as i do and who are being punished in very much the same way.

regarding family, well they were always like this and that will never change.
Love is for someone else to offer another.
if it has never been there it can not be given so what do you do.
you do alot of loving, if that isnt good enough the love not returned, then i am afraid the colours going out are rainbow and the colours coming back in return are shades of grey.

but then that is showing their true colours.

my wish for myself is to bump up the confidence i have lost over the years.
put my life back on track but never let it be forgotten what has happened me ever and this i plan to continue to do, i will never let it be forgotten on the platform of policy the HSE is a dying breed and they like love can change this, but i will see what the new year brings, they have this choice.

even if they loathe me, to deny care is evil.  positively evil.