awnyah todaysay: 'it has been obscene and torturous ten years' updated a year on

i was about to lose my county, my financial stability, my everything.

One year on from posting the extreme suffering in this blog form, I update it tonight and say we both have been diagnosed with severe PTSD.

Nothing has shifted for a better life, in fact it has become unbearable suffering and agonising hell even engaging with the HSE causes deep distress.

We believe this cannot even remotely be related to a caring Health Service Executive. They can write their Twittering on being 'Values of the HSE' in 'little kindness means a lot, ' which I saw them write recently. I honestly think that it has now become the killing machine for two very very decent women who has suffered at the hands of officials of this organisation.

I fully am aware individuals can be selected as being good, but there seems a disconnect to realisation that managing this case in the way they are doing is extreme neglect and causing untold harm.

we want it to end. We need light at the end of the tunnel, we need closure, peace and to be free of the pain.

I beg the HSE to allow us this, we are four years off 70 years of age.

For God's sake spare the rod and save the children. We are not your property of yours, but you have been entrusted with the caring of my nation. I dont see this is a job well done, in this instance.

'Brokeness' caused by actual Healthcare services is not a position that any healthcare provider should be proud of.

i was pretty much 'nobody' to ALL.

a girl with a gun was the final straw.
Being shot at is very threatening to a vulnerable person

helping me escape when no one cared was my twin who took even bricks out to save me money i did not have and here we flee our county after i was shot at. Four years of consistent hell i had endured.

state property i was put in but no state help when it was an ugly scene of terror for a very unwell woman placed badly in with alcoholics

2010 a tiny home for twin sister Margaret was sold, two women in wheelchairs packed this house up, gritted the bottom of the slope for the removal van to enter a cul de sac. this should never have been allowed happen. (one up/one down, that all it was)

'Brokeness' means that hurt has occurred and a life has been shattered into tiny pieces, not only a life but a soul and part of their whole raison d'etre has been twarted, disrupted, brutally crushed and smashed into broken bits.

such trauma, such exhaustion, such pain

When this happens it can cause lasting harm, enduring hardship and traumatic reliving of past events which can become a person's whole focus. Rather than focusing on a 'goodness' as opposed to 'obsessing' brokedness and how or why it occurred in the first place, causes indivuduals agonising sleepless nights and a sense that they can never find a way through the injustice of it all.

Vulnerable individuals are born but also created. Once vulnerable usually, always vulnerable.
its a hard concept to grasp that even the outward appearance of strength, articulation and intellectual prowess can mask such a vulnerable individual.
a strength of one with a vulnerability is actually to mask well their own vulnerability through their personal anxiety over it, their fears about it, and the pain of it.

We all know the theory of those who show undue annoyance, who voice a lot and do a lot in time of injustice do so because they feel it so intently that it hurts, this is a mask of personal vulnerability.

i have witnessed the slow erosion of personal confidence bringing about a brokeness of soul, spirit, purpose, love of life and love itself.
i have seen it sap an individual of wellbeing and become stunned into a mute silence of unrelenting despair.

This has happened my twin sister and myself.

I feel what has happened us has literally been 'watched' by society who failed to act on two women being slowly destroyed for no real good reason but bloody mindedness and obstenancy.
It has been callous and cold,unrelenting, unforgiving and a torturous ten years for us both.

we should not have to continue in this way for the remainder of our days.

my twin came home a really happy person, full of expectancy and joy to be around her family and her twin sister and her attempts brutally dashed almost immediately. She tried to begin retirement, write and document her experiences which were good and successful and this now had been smashed asunder when a newly done up home had to be sold to get her twin out of a social housing unit from hell.

ten years done the road, both sisters feel unsettled and in despair.
both twins are caught up in a relentless bind of a fight for the rights to be treated well or better or fairly.
there isnt a way that any one can contemplate twins with a severe progressive neurodegenerative disease should have to live,in any civilised society.

such trauma, such suffering and pervasive pain

it shows, underneath these smiles is real suffering and undeniable harm done to psyche and physical health - taken in 2017 seven years after the one directly above, it shows.

arguing the minutae, every day for ten years has been an appalling case of utter suffering.

even moving from trauma did not prevent more of the same, an utterly terrible time was ahead

it simply has been an arguement, drawn out for this long for care, for consideration and for the once revered and honoured christianity ireland professed to uphold, the decency of the human being towards their own fellow man.

the HSE demanded 'either or' the wheelchair or the scooter, both were banjaxed and barely operational, but this held sweet memories and joy for me, they took it.

Like all fantasies, we face shortly celibrating our unique Irishness on St. Patrick's day.
we celebrate this throughout the world, where we were scattered to the winds over decades of emigration and thus bringing green Eiffel towers, Green Niagra Falls, Green Big Ben and Green bridges, monuments, rivers, and clothes and Green will be celebrated all over by every country in the world.

yet in the small country where this all began there remains immense poverty of modernity especially within public sectors, especially within the way we value human life and can adjust all economic boundaries to do just that, value and respect human dignity.

our value of a human being is being eroded daily as we watch the divide grow between rich and poor, vulnerable and the ruling classes.
its a different world altogether, but i would have loved to be celebrating our unique ability to care over all other matters.

when they took the scooter, they took away my ability to offer relieve for an hour in an old persons home through 'irish therapy dogs.' without the scooter i could not bring a bit of joy as i had done.

i would prefer to celebrate goodness, celebrate a sense of wonderful uniqueness that is truely unique, value of the citizens of the state.

meanwhile as i type my blog today i know and have seen silent suffering as twins sit together in a personal 'weep-in' unspoken, lacking tears,but pevasive in intense, solitary brokeness.

this has been caused, not by them, but others.
it can only be reversed by others and not by them.
For ten years the twins have attempted all things to accommodate hacking at their lives in such perverse ways, to alliviate pain they have been virtually useless.
we have failed to transport ourselves out of this intensity.
we hope and pray that such suffering will find an end soon.

give us our life back please, at 65 we need every minute possible.

in the beginning when my twin came home first we had hope of a happy time together - all dashed by the workings of the STATE.

we hope that decency will prevail.
we hope and pray that the state will sit up and answer a well worn prayer and a begging from our hearts to theirs, that we need them to uplift out of this to something akin to security, calmness, fun, joy, quality and care.