the twins spoke out at the Ist Assembly after that wonderful event

we were at Ist Assembly in athlone, afterwards we were interviewed in a relaxed manner in in pantomine gear!

we have a real message though:

http://www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/video-sisters-have-lot-to-give-despite-condition-336924.html

IRISH HUMAN RIGHTS AND IRISH HEALTH CARE PROVISION - HSE- DUTY

it has been far too tough

Those who are honest and brave, will never go away.
those of us who care are equally unable to stay silent or disappear.

those who feel utterly tortured will find that voice to speak the truth.

this leads to being hated.
it is the net result for speaking out.

the type of hatred in this instance is cruel, vindictive and unwarranted.
to say a few truths about ones own health care should be met with acceptance and solutions because a health care system based on sick people is a healthy health care system.

this is the face of a sick woman they left at home for years before she had to flee her country to seek out proper medical care

again, try this for over two years before managing to get to UK for care as inpatient

one based on utter demonising of an individual for both being sick and loud is corrupt.

How it came about in Ireland is any one's guess.  My guess is we as a nation 'hate to be found out'
we are small, lack the gravitas of major more populated states, we lack belief in ourselves and confidence.
when you lack these things then you slither in an attempt to hold face against (as a nation) the world scrutiny.
we are after all 'the land of saints and scholars.'
we are neither.

We are on the verge of being questioned about our Human rights towards the vulnerable, the sick and disabled.  towards the low wage earners and the poor and homeless.
the voice of strong clout has spoken out, Emily Logan Human Rights Commissioner has been saying it a long while now.
Austerity measures cannot under EU law deprive those least able to afford anymore cuts to their ability to have a basic standard of living and care.
what Ireland has done is exactly this, it has broken this law, this EU law.
we are in effect violating the code of Human Rights ethics and we can claim to be the good ole christian for ever but to be vicious towards the least able shows a shoddy country at work.

we must uphold decency even in the face of hard times.
we cannot be cannibalistic just because the economics of our country goes down and goes down through greed, none at this level could have had an effect or dint in the finance, high finance of Ireland but we are paying for it.

Emily Logan also pointed out that the Disabled groups suffered the most in the past many years now of Austerity as we see our cost rising alarmingly and our inability to act even as a basic right to move about in the community, participate and be an active citizen worsens by the day.

Many of us and my twin and i can exemplify this effect of austerity on a personal level and personal life.
we have been taken to the lion's den and butchered.
there isn't an easier way to say it.
we have been slaughtered.

it is nothing short of evil to demand this scooter back when it was giving me quality of life when so much had been taken from me already -

giving up my dearest friend was the hardest thing i ever did - i was bullied into it by our HSE.  this machine was taken from my home by a man who danced on it as he drove it to the pick up van and into the hold, danced on it showing off his glee in expertise.  i watched my beloved being taken from me - after just paying out 450e to mend it.  EVIL HSE

ANY health care system that denies sick people a means to mobilize in the way they chose so that they can smash out a piece of enjoyment for what time is left to them violates Human rights Law, codes of ethics and morality.
Any health care system who denies a sick person a suitable surface to sleep on when suffering a chronic pain complex and muscle wasting is evil, for sleep deprivation is torture and isn't allowed as a means of extracting information from prisoners or criminals.  what the Irish do is turn a blind eye that i cannot sleep on the awfulness of a surface no one has tried to sort in all of four years i have begged for help.

i fought to save this bath only to find the HSE would not provide a means to use this therapeutic aid and with snapped shoulder muscles i have to slider down using grab rails monkey style, instead of easing pain then it increases it and creates further damage at the base of neck, shoulders and spine, HSE is wrong to have been so vindictive.

to deny too a person with snapped shoulder muscles a means to lower herself down into the water of a warm bath to ease her pain, dystonia and insomnia by the throw away remark that 'its your fault you have that bath' is again violating the ethos of care, this is health care not some other department in our state.

when others say in any defense 'why should they provide'
i will tell you why, because its in our law and statute books that they will provide for the least able through a public health care system!
we have no other.
there is no other.
you cannot in Human rights terms just throw away the key!
you uphold European Human rights law, you uphold the WHO dictates for sick and vulnerable and you uphold the UN charter for the vulnerable groups throughout the world.

if a tiny country such as ours, feels its OK to gravy train the money out of health to another jurisdiction and banks and leave their own to suffer i suggest they just hand the full country and its operational guides back to where it came from, because we seem to not be able to manage our citizens in a decent and humane manner.

we are no longer the land of saints and scholars.
we are descending into that pit of corruption that is endemic now around the world.
people just do not seem to care anymore.

but personally speaking, Ireland cannot claim to be the good country it is when the truth is out and the voice of those capable and brave enough to exclaim 'the emperor is wearing no clothes' has been heard.
i want to see more of this bravery.

but to be honest again to be honest.
what happens a good person who cares enough?
What happens an honest person who is good enough to voice concerns over abuse?
Abuse so endemic in Irish terms.
Abuse is riotous, out of hand violations against the sick, the poor, the vulnerable and the disabled. Abuse make U the least able for austerity.
Abuse has broken our FUNDAMENTAL RIGHTS and we experience violations against human decency, professional responsibility.
There is LAW.  WE HAVE  human rights law and Human Rights is this country, we claim we adhere to these and uphold the policies and directives internationally.

We who are honest are punished and this has been the case.
Name calling on files.
Slander
The HSE LIE, are slick and adept at 'cover up.'
 we will shout from the rooftops that lies have been the lynch pin and methodology in the ways a large institution such as the HSE operates.
it is soulless and similar to the Mafia.  their way is equal.   If you do not honour the 'family' you will be shot and those who speak against us will be shot down in the street.
we are effectively doing this to people who stand up to the hse.
we have NO HEALTH CARE ETHOS of care in Ireland.
simples.
and the answer for change is simples too.
you sort one problem and move on to the next.
not neglect one and have years of emails, letters, phone calls reports, answering questions, legalese, and more time wasting because that is money wrongly spent to be crass about it.
to sort a problem is the honorable way to treat a person.
not start down the road of vitriol and attack of them and a barrier growing of self defense in the face of the indefensible.
We now have to answer serious questions on our Human rights in this country by Europe this month.
we will be asked how we behaved in law and in actuality and we will be asked why we did what we did to the less able.
we will be asked why the 'convention of rights for people with disabilities' has not been ratified in Ireland, and Ireland remains only one of two who has not done so.
we will be asked how on earth can a country operate against its own citizens in such a vile manner.
and if truth is needed for this  ask my twin and i about this truth.
we know about this.

THE MAD KENNEDY TWINS WHO HAVE THE ABILITY TO SAY IT AS IT IS - IT IS CALLED
'OWNING THE TRUTH'
'SPEAKING THE TRUTH'
'CARING ENOUGH TO SAY THE TRUTH'
'HURTING TOO MUCH'
'PRFOUNDLY TRAUMATISED -FOR
'SPEAKING THE TRUTH'

because i believe we are brave enough and possibly MAD enough to say it as it is.
Irish clothes on in the fields as good only, but we are naked in abuse of power always and we have been for most of our existence, we seem not to be able to turn the country around, to what the perception of it is, 'a land of saints and scholars'

there is one morality and it is this, each person has a right to life.  when we are older and sicker we still have a right to life.
we do not have to be abused in such a vile manner.
we do not deserve it.
we are like your family - i say to the HSE managers.
we are no different.
we just happen not to be as advantaged as you.
we are beholden to you for our basic care.
what we feel like is fodder to be walked all over.
---------------------------------------------------------------

awnyah todaysay: the twins situation has become serious

awnyah todaysay: the twins situation has become serious: hello all, its been a while since i have posted up. before i go any further can i ask you to support this plea which i am now copying and ...

the twins situation has become serious

hello all,
its been a while since i have posted up.
before i go any further can i ask you to support this plea which i am now copying and pasting up:

https://secure.avaaz.org/en/petition/County_Wicklow_HSE_Provide_appropriate_powered_wheelchairs_for_Kennedy_twins_Greystones/?cFFiTcb

its getting very serious.
i will say why it is....simply....we are broken.

we are shattered tired from the fight of it all.
begging is a horrible feeling and we want an end to it.

sweet cutie twins - then

when you look at our lives, it hasnt been good.

very sweet adults who gave a lot to society despite all - now

yet its really a struggle to get anyone to emphasis with our plight.

we are not cutie twins with polka dot ribbon bows in our hair.
we are wringly old toothless individuals, who are losing our lives though a chronic progressive disease.
despite this it isnt enough to engender he help of any one globally.
we have tried our best to inject that belief that we are worth it.

evidnetly we are not, despite our quest we find the cash flow in four years has been minimal.
in all it will only buy us a wheel or a bit of padding on our weelchairs we would like to get.

every little drop counts said the wren when he peed in the sea

so if anyone, absolutely anyone feels they can or could, would you please sign the above, to get our government to make a compassionate effort to see twins who cannot walk far get the wheelchairs they need and also if you yourself feel good or could or would, i would welcome anything towards this end to the account i place here on this particular flyer.

recently i 'trialled' an All Terrain Powered wheelchair.
with this on trial for a few hours i made the accent to the top of the world so to speak, this is my heaven, my home and my soul land.  Like the cherokee indian, the land and sense of place is what sustains me.
here it is, after ten full years of never seeing from this vantage point i see it again about ten days ago, for half an hour and down i had to come.
please help me make it again soon, in my own wheelchair.
this is replacing legs, therefore its not a luxury its a right, its a prostises to help me use wheels instead of legs.

is it that i am now, as a disabled woman not allowed experience joy again or adventure or travel or even experienc itself.
am i banished to the home, with a smll trip to the corner shop for the milk and tea bags?

this was in 2013 the HSE, our health service attempted to take away an 11yr old banger which finally went into a wall, when it lost its wheel.

the twins lying in a hospital in the UK waiting after investigative surgery to find out what could be wrong that we cannot walk

he very much cared this singing ambulance man

can you help?      would you help?

this finnish lady tells Ireland she is in a 'Mito friendly powered wheelchair'  she can be allowed be on top of the world, any time, any where she tells the HSE Ireland all in europe has the same right to mobilize as an equal citizen of each state within the EU

yes!  on top of the world, first time ten years....enjoy the scenery - ALL!  For one day, i am allowed be in a 'Mito friendly chair so that i can mobilize like every citizen of the irish state, ONE DAY ONLY!

we are tired, tired tired.  So we are

every little drop counts said the wren when he peed in the sea

yes!  on top of the world, first time ten years....enjoy the scenery - ALL!  For one day, i am allowed be in a 'Mito friendly chair so that i can mobilize like every citizen of the irish state, ONE DAY

Have a great day, use them legs.......

remembering hilda from the social housing unit and the system from doomsday

It is never good to think back.

Now at the age of 62 little things start the grey cells networking like mad to remember.

A simple quiet luncheon with an older sister yesterday first flooded memories of where i had once lived.

It was related to my hearing.  Doing without help my twin sister and i were disadvantaged from the beginning.

It did impact on our lives.  Cause and effect with the difference too between two nations on us as we separated in adult years.

Where one was literally set free the other twin, my self became entraped in a horrible system, a draconian system which virtually meant the mind and body withered so much i became lost to the world.

It all could have been the same for my twin sister, but making a strong decision to get out and away was the best way forward and could have been for myself if i even knew what i wanted to do on leaving school.

Going to a major city of the world London, an imperial master with wealth, experiance and having an advanced culture and progressive thinking ideas with global interconnections gave my twin some opportunity whereas a small country in my day going  no where fast left those behind with no clear path at all.

If you are troubled too, its was disaster.

My twin was troubled, but the way of handling this was so different.

She was encouraged that she could and would make it, she could and would do it.

She was encouraged that yes, its possible.

With myself i was encouraged to stay away from people.

I was told i would not make it.

I was encouraged to simply plod along and do what i could the best way i could.

It was so different too for choices, there were none in ireland.

While i was queueing for the food mountain beef and cheese and barely surviving on the dole and then disability, my twin was preparing upward for a career.

What career even could i think of and how on earth could any be funded if i did?

University was for the elite then and only families who could afford it could attend.

I wasnt one of them when our dad had retired when we were twelve.

But this difference sparked off another.

The unheard of difference of social housing, effects of deprivation being a whole new ball game to a middle class psyche and mindset

I was sitting with a university professor’s wife who mixed in these types of educated, elitest and high octane groups.

Philantropy only really occured in Freshers year, thereafter abandoned for the intellectual persuit of excellence to devour knowledge but little else ever happened when it came to the working classes.

This was evident when i could only get so far in my tales of experience in the lower end of the social strata.

It had become unpleasant to the professor’s wife and ‘lets talk about something different’ as she shifted uneasily in her sit.

Grant it we were supposed to be having a pleasant luncheon out as three siblings.

But difference created in my world meant that i saw difference for decades and absorbed that culture readily as none other was available.

It wasnt myself going down the ladder in life, it was placing myself where i could only be.

Through deafness, disadvantage, depression, economic stress and lack of culture or programmes set up like in the UK.

There was nothing in the Ireland of the 70’s.

I was encapsulated into the social housing units which were lethally dangerous for their tenants.

They were tenaments when i was in them first, real tenaments and condemned as such soon after i arrived, four years after in fact but i had to endure tenament life.

But funnily or ironically they were freedom setting for myself.

People really cared and i loved it.

I embraced the fact i could do nothing better now and just tried to do what i could, as the psychiatrist was encouraging me to do.

There was no vocational training, no grants for third level training and no collage for disabled adults who could never go mainstream anyway.

To tell my sister that i had many a regret for being in the psychiatric system and how it let me down we began speaking of the person herself who was actually trapped in its grip more than myself.

But for us, us weak people or so we were effectively told, we didnt know it at the time, this sort of system was destroying our every chance to advance even as much as Ireland could allow, and in certain respects, most of us could have done better.   it was killing off all avenues and there were tiny ones open but psychiatry effectively stopped you growing in ireland.

The usual way of course was through medication.

Ireland was not effectively well trained in what to do with psychiatric medications.

As now where all these pills and potions were being dished out for even weeeping when grieving (now), we were then in full belief of the efficacy of the potion and pill.

They were the cure all for all.

It isnt so and it doesnt work this way and never did.

The media and the ways of media were beginning post 60s’ alongside the way messages were getting through by the first TV sets and the LP’s and Radio, so media as a skill was becoming a way of finding out information for the masses, including the brill effects of LSD and cannibes and all manner of mind bending drugs.

But mind bending drugs were not only the illecit, all mind drugs are bending.

And this is incredibly forceful and persuasive in telling a group’s educated that these drugs are firstly safe, and secondly good medicine.

Erosion of this fact is not actually getting through to the masses now where more babies, toddlers, preschoolers and kindergarten kids are on the very same medication i was on when i had first hit them at 21yrs.  And this was the norm then but now the big pharma is attacking all classes, all creds and all social groups with mass media promotions of the brilliance of the pill.

growing up in the tenaments was in the main a happy affair.

I met in social housing in Ireland of the day a systemic abuse of power for us lowly and this is well documented by the late mary raftery as she exposed the truth that was ireland in her last documentary ‘behind these walls’

A decade prior to my birth or actually during my growing years Ireland as a nation had more individuals and young locked away in the lunatic asylums than the whole of the rest of europe put together!

This is quite staggaring considering our size population wise.

So we knew about difference well.

washing day mean all the clothes were washed by hand.

Ireland does and it doesnt take much even now to be demonised instantly,

My difference of course was my lack of educational choice and a personality wired for depression and a different way of thinking.  That all for another essays analysis.

Let me get back to how i let a sister quirm and why it had this effect on her.

She is a full decade older than myself.

She grew up the priveledge daughter to get to university and then marry her student lad who went on to become a professor.

Her life was good, entertaining, enrichment educationally and culturally and no sign at all of depravation or class shifts.

My shift to the lower end of the ladder made uncomfortable listening.

Voicing what i had met to sort of expect my sister to realise what i had seen when i had basically dropped out of society was my way of feeling regrettful that i was in that level for so long and also in psychiatry for so long.

I regretted not being able to cut the noose of entrapment by pills and indoctrination of very basic medical practises which were all inclusive whether you were a lonely young woman as i was or a paranoid schizophrenic we were all lumped with the same package.

I regretted i told them of how one woman could do this.

Keep you held in a circle and i cupped my hands in such a shape as not to let the light shine through.

It was that.

No light shone for me and no hope ever was given in any shape or form to a brilliantly intelligent person.

It was our culture between being a country way behind any other through its nations own downfall after the famine and during colonisation.

It was our culture to expect that most would be put away who were different.

It was our culture not to accept difference and we still have that culture and i feel i know why.

But trapping a sister who could have had potential if shown the way, by another who was as advantaged as us in the same schooling system was wrong.

It was in effect ignorant thinking and ignorant education for a profession that was not well understood at the time.

I met horrible experiences and some i recalled to my sister.

How many cannot presently cope with the shutting down of some institutional fall back.

Citing incidents such as Hilda being found drunk and walking down the middle of the tenament blocks in the cold in her bare feet i recounted how i brought coffee to her home, i told her of what i had seen there, choas, filth, dirt vomit and a woman left to it, by all.

That would include state, health, family and society.

She wasnt coping and she was not the only one.

This was toward the time i was beginning to find my feet where i was far more open to helping the others now so much worse than i but not so different to my own personal hell in the beginning.

Pouring coffee into a drunken sad woman was pitiful and all the while with permission taking images of the state of her place.

Noting the electric guitar her soulmate proped by the bedroom door and the beautiful woman of the eighties jamming in the pub as a jazz singer was a far cry to how the lady had fallen.

And why so?

Because she too knew of potential but also too of sadness like myself which she could not handle.

Being in an institution, having children and not being able to cope would have done it in my eyes.

As it had for Hilda, sending her into a personal spiral of doubt, self doubt and unimaginable confusion.

Having children herself probably started a ball rolling of ‘who am i?  Where do i come from?’ for Hilda had not known.

Hilda could never know for state and church to this day will not release any details for all the women and men of ireland who were given up for adoption or put away or into institutions of where their roots were, where their parents were and who they were themselves.

Unless the adult in the relationship at the time would consent to being exposed as the mother or father of the adopted the children, now adults had no right whatsoever, by state or church to know and to know what to tell their own children where they came from.

Hilda ended on scrap heap treated as a hopeless alcoholic unfit for living even.

Trapped again in a system of getting blind drunk and blotting out memories of being in an institution, being abused in one and getting money off the Redress board for being so.

Blotting out all this, the medics then said to the guards and to me ‘there is nothing we can do for her,she is an alcoholic’ and repeatedly sent her back to a small social housing unit with memories of hell, without her children who had been taken off her and left ot drink again to drown the sorrows.

It began a group think, Hilda was useless and a hopeless case.

But the electric guitar and the fantastic attractive lady jamming with a jazz group told a different story.

She herself reluctant to tell this part of a positive life so much was she drowing in her hell of again i say my hell the hell we get into when we are drowning in trouble.

Our own deep shit.

But to state, to the neighbours, Hilda was the alcoholic.

She wasnt the person Hilda.

I saw it by the way the state even refused her the use as she pleased of the money she got off the redress board, as compensation, it was hers by right, but she was made a ‘ward of court’ and had to beg the solicitors for the right to some of it piecemeal.

That is imprisonment all over again, but of a different name but again state power and state abuse of power.

The same goes again for her choices of uplifting her living.  There were none.

You were left.

with no gardens you went down to the street for 'air'

When they began to start a programme of saying the right way to go with mental health was to treat people in their own communities and not hold them in institutions, didnt mean throwing them out on the street and abandoning them lock stock and barrel.

When i was being put in the psychiatric hospitals in the 70s up to the 90’s there were no security men at the door of the hospital.

There was free flow of patients and their visitors and the institution was a hub of a collective.

Now it may not have been very modern to do all this have so many there but a good deal needed it.

When i brought hilda up there after one of her bad bouts of drinking to be cared for for a while i found no one in the huge canteen but a lone security man having a cuppa on his own.

I saw another with a chain of keys hovering by the front desk, and i was flatly told i couldnt leave her there.

I was already very sick with crohns and it was getting late.  I needed my own sick bed.

What happened next can only be documented as having happened but it is in disbelief that it did and people are astounded.

Out came the security guy, oh yes he could have been any non national that is now doing work the irish wont, but he was there, this security guy came following me to the van, the adapted van in the disability bay, i have a mobility problem to name but one.

He slapped himself against the back of the van.

Of course he didnt mean to be mince meat but i tried to, not literally but i did force him from there by slowly backing the van out, he shifted to the side and slapped his body against the side, his arms outstretched and then did the same to the front.

Never before have i experienced such behaviour.

Seeing a man in a suit without his jacket so thinking he was of authority (i later found out he was from the ‘accounts’ department, i kid you not)!  I opened the door and exclaimed ‘what is going on?’  well he told me, by his actions.

He reached inside and whipped the keys from the ignition.

And left me there!

Half in the disability bay and half out i was now kidnapped, and what he did, as i heard later from a lawyer was ‘technical tresspass’  and there i was sitting in the dark wondering how the hell i resolve all this.

I rang the Irish times and also the guards.

‘will you just come up here and see what has happened?’  i was aghast to think ireland could come so far as to deny a person free access to her car to leave a state car park to a state/privately run hospital.  The great St. John of God!

I couldnt believe it.

But things were changing in ireland, for the better.

When i told my sister she sat rivoted to her seat, she  couldnt believe it, she hasnt seen that side of life.

She hasnt had to rescue lowly neighbours in such troubles.

She also hadnt to live in tenaments that had steps to them which are now pronounced utterly illegal, see Ireland is moving forward, the modern way.

But alas, they do not care for the sick as they once had, because they were now moving forward the modern way (of course failing to do anything about the people out in the community isn’t the modern way).  They failed them.

They did not think this one through.

No extra community nurses were allocated in fact, now all the displaced sick were jotted everywhere out in the community alone and forgotten, except by the guards and people like myself and sometimes the church.

But forgotten, pretty much now like those who have lost their homes.

But also the homes that those tenants had in back streets were still the slums.  They were dressed up  a bit and had running hot water put in and also had a bath put in or a shower, this now meant they were hitting the european targets for a better place to live.

They forget though that these people had to enter and leave their homes, one way or another, and that meant stairways, illegal steps.

You now have to in law for decades, design stairways so that you can put a full foot on a step as you go down the stairs or up the steps.

Not so in these, tiny boxs the stairs were step and tiny, there was no space in the 18th century homes still used for the lower classes.

What happened of course were broken bones, meaning nurses who lived there and some did were left open to broken bones, and one had a compound fracture to her wrist and elbow from such a fall and never worked again, a valuable source of income to a poor family.

So too did a male given full custody to two young boys he adored.  Falling down those stairs he lost his life and was found when they broke down the door lifeless with a broken neck.

Bones broken by many on my street and also to a learning disabled feeble man who broke a leg and wrist, who actually wore calipers and was living in an  upstairs social housing unit (nb they are never called homes), he spent months in the hospital and then sent straight back up to the flat, in his seventies,  with calipers, he wasnt given a downstairs easier place to live, there were none.  It was offered a drug riddled street as i was offered an alcoholic fueled cul de sac.  He refused and stayed, i accepted and ran like a war victim.

eight floorboards between fireplace and sofa where my twin slept for eight months with a diagnosis of parkinsons disease meant not even a manual wheelchair could be unfolded - this was an 'upgrade' for a disabled woman?
also placed alone amongst male alcoholics - all of them in one cul de sac?   insane

alcohol so much in abundance in a lower social housing unit without stairs mean a huge change was about to occur, running away like a victim of state abuse, which it was

We were the forgotten.

we were forgotten as people, human beings, we were forgotten

 I lament the past.   The life of psychiatry my first notable imprisonment and then the social housing which couldnt have been more dispiriting to a bright and educated person, but i did accept both, more so social housing for i was with people i loved.

You couldnt even begin to forgive psychiatry and their ways for destroying my life entirely and i place the blame there for now being in my 60s i am percieved as this sort of lunatic.

But as i go back to the beginning of this essay, this is what ireland does with difference, we are good at classing people and by very small margins of clarifications all roiund.  It doesnt take alot at all.

In this blighted house: Stations of the Cross for Caring people

In this blighted house: Stations of the Cross for Caring people: Jesus is condemned to death Let us take a few moments to think about and pray for all those condemned to death in prisons worldwide. M...



i think this is a beautiful piece of writing and wish to share it with all on this day for everyone to reflect on the modern life and lifestyle. where humans also come to grief and into conflict.

amen

a bad day in the setting of a village turned town

who could blame me in hating where i live?
I do hate it.

this was to be the last and final resting place for myself and my twin sister.

but it isnt going to be, for me anyway.

i think after all this time which is five years, its been loathesome from the beginning til now with very little let up.
when i say from 'village to town' i mean that, in the context of the irish village to town.

i was virtually lynched.
my poor twin had to withness this and watch it, feeling helpless and rather guilty, but she had no reason to feel this, but she sure was left feeling helpless and dragged down by it all.

does anyone understand how it feels to feel afraid to go into one's own magnificent garden that you bought, nurtured and created?
i do.
does anyone understand how it feels to walk a couple hundred metres and wonder who my neighbours are, what they think when they see me and for what reasons?
i do.
so does my twin.

if others say 'what matters what people say.'
well it does to me, because i am sensitive and i have had a poor life living in high low self confidence and self esteem.
but before i came to this village, i was high on self esteem and confidence.
i had trancended difficulties that many wouldnt even have to attempt to surmount.
i did it and was tremendously pleased with myself.
until i came to this village which ripped my soul asunder.
when i say this village has nearly destroyed me, i say this with my hand on my heart and i am not the only one who can vouch for this, apart from my twin many can vouch for it.

i want out.
and i want out fast.
meaning asap i need to get back to kindness and care and something of comfort, a town i can feel part of and feel lifted up not constantly put down and put upon.

i wish i could be more explicit but right now i cannot.
because i still have to live here.
i have promised those who live in this town i will tell them why i feel the way i do when i leave.

but before i do i want to tell both the townspeople, and many others, enter this parish at your peril.
remember they will inspect you instantly and ask questions later.
they could label you immediately without finding out whether they are right or wrong about it, i mean now of the defamation kind.
there are rules here like none other, certainly i hit 59yrs of life without ever thinking this sort of thing existed.
they can tell you five years later, actually there is no policy for what we did there, (HSE).
and there is no solution to it becuase no one feels its worth solving, not for them anyway but it doesnt care whether i feel its worth it, which i do.
one of the first thing i wish i could do is rip down the bloody notice at the entry to this village, that of 'the best place to live in 2008'
do they not realise its 2015 and certainly things have changed for my experience is anything but offering flavour of the month or year here, because its been the exact opposite.
anyone been afraid of facing the mainstreet unless absolutely necessary, eg going to bank or getting pension.

as for the doctor i have now, two visits and my first that would accept me here after four years is another example of well pretty horrid i have to say.
this was withnessed as i brought someone with me.
and it continues.
what people find so delightful here is anyones guess because as an educated person who has lived all sorts of lives, i see nothing polished and good about it.
to me its a nasty little hub, maybe terrific for some, but how long do you have to be here before it is?
five years seems a lifetime and its not getting much better in fact for me its become more and more unbearable.
how i ask for help to get out is also another thing.
how do i?
and would could.
would anyone be at all interested?
i doubt it