Tuesday, February 7, 2012

A day like this does not come often

How on earth do many cope with adverse events that LIfe inflicts?
HOw can you explain it to anyone, anyone that we, the persons in conflict, come in contact with?
I speak of the people who are either family, foe or professional.
I know all trot along and try their best and belt out the days in either abject despair, a watered down feeling of contentment and the odd glimmer of love, glimmer of life and glimmer of happiness.
I guess thats it.
We all do this and it never really works does it?

But how do you do such strong events as twin and i are 'doing' and wish with all our hearts that we too could lighten up and relax and do what we both feel is deserving?
A chance to enjoy a slice of life, something neither of us had is not a lot to ask.
How can you even begin to comprehend the assaults both have been subjected to?
A virtual escape by cattle boat to a strange country at the age of 17 with no qualifications, no friends and no support networks in that country.
A virtual escape by the other half into the oblivion of medication, wrist slashing and despair and yet both survived
Against the odds, i might hasten to add.
Who can imagine what it could have been like to stand deaf, alone on a stinking and drunk and shit ridden boat with the breeze of irish salt on the cheeks and the tears and unspoken pain in the flesh.
Who can imagine what it was like for a hopeless 'left behind' bereft of a dear sister who had always  saved her from drowning.
The sister she slapped so hard at night fearing the she had departed leaving her alone.  I was about seven and this was continuous until about twelve.
After that it did get worse.
We separated and lost a lot in the parting.
all of forty years plus.
Once, we may have been bonded both physically and psychologically.
We were not to remain like this and life experience dictated the path of our ways and abilities.  We also learned to ride the waves and do it 'my way.'
Little help came then and less comes now.
We rode rollers today.
My twin bereft of her health and meaning.
The "why did I come home?"
Why did she?
Why has she now to face Cancer when she had struggled so hard in the past three years and on the cusp of the settling to her new life and pleasant life, in a wonderful part of our land that is gentle and giving?
My twin came home my friends for more than she has received.
She came HOME.
This is something also hard to explain to the uninitiated.
If, you had been away for so long as four decades and sensed and felt the land she was brought up in and yearned to return one day, you would understand.
she does not understand why our country, her country and her family and society around has not embraced the BFE.
She, who taught us all to look at such pain of clerical sexual abuse has come home to her own personal pain of loss and bewilderment when her home coming has bottomed out and gone pear shaped.
The hope she held for over forty years up in a puff, my friends.
How can you explain this to family or those she had left back in London.
Now, we are here.
Here in a new place.
We are on the cusp, to say to all the begrudgers, 'we told you so,' but also give that two finger salute to those who wished us away, wished us shackled and shacked together, twins who love but twins who also are their very own persons. Many had wished me to give up my companion chihhuahuas.
Many had wished for my twin to relinguish her Saffi to another and go to the Magnolia Land.
No one asked or embraced her to her own family.
We were in essence rejected.
I certainly was.
We felt this today.
I made another big move, for the third time, a new home in an alien county away from a stomping ground of forty years.  A ground on which i knew each blade of grass and where i heard my dad whisper and watched the mother bravely fight her own fight of living.
I listened intently and learnt.
Now we both are learning that the struggle will be ongoing but we will struggle with panache.
My twin has lost so much in her decision to return.
I have lost so much by living at all and by being brave and brave again.
To break from the oblivion of medication takes some doing.
To break from the relentless cycles of wrist and body slashing to cut the hate for self out was a hard task and took a lot of blind faith in myself and bravery.
To never resort to a comforter when in pain is painful.
To stand with back to the wall and be shot at by a hail of bullets from most who faced her was difficult and soul destroying.
We both, my twin and i faced demons and people who wished us away.
Wished us to a place where we could be forgotten,  but they could live. They could sigh that two sisters in pain with neurodegenerative disorders will not be part of their lives and part of an inch of responsibility.
We are not away but very much here and very much alive.
We will survive and we will celebrate what we have done despite all.
We both have our fabulous homes suitable to our needs with the companions we have chosen.
We both have love in spades, for life and for each other.
We both know we can depend on each other in times of hardship.
We both will help each other during this last decade of life.
We shall survive and not face magnolia, ever.
But right now we have an urgent pressing matter.
My twin has to rid her already ailing body of Cancer.
I have to face my demons daily and be brave.
I have to cobble together a mode of transport that will go to enhancing our lives and keep us sane and mobile. Both have been force to stop in our tracks.
We both will gear up again once the obstacles are over.
We shall have life in abundance despite.
Did you see us howl at the moon tonight?
yeh, bet-ya.
And bet-ya bottom dollar we will survive.
Pineapple and all.
Welcome to the land of living.
Twin style.
Not by half.

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