learning through the decades

from beginning of life to the end we Learn!

but what?

its only NOW that i find that i have er, LEARNT!

did you notice much about learning?
did you learn that time passes for instance.

Did you learn that one day your body will no longer be young
It will be old
it will be in pain
and in the head there will be far more lessons to learn answers for then time permits.
there is also no time for turning back time, the record or the history.

Yes, as an old person now with severe illnesses and disabilities, its not these that actually present the innate difficulties i have at sixty.

its a simple word and very useless word indeed but one i have all the same, its called 'regret.'

i also know that most at the age of 60 years of age do have this word in their head.

what can i do with it, what lesson can i find answers in this.
there isnt.
because regret is borne through being born, living and having a history and being old now.

can i do anything now i ask.
about what?
well, yes about what?
am i plucking weeds just for the sake of plucking weeds?
am i just hanging in waiting to die?
am i in anyway just living and breathing for absolutely nothing at all now?

no i am not waiting to die.
i am waiting to find some answers.
possibly when i find them i will have to say, stop the ship or boat i want to just jump off now please.

i need some answers and some are very big answers to some very big questions.

why for instance did i never find that illusive Love.
I mean, why am i so different that i feel so unloved and unable to give love.
i am not talking about love in a sense of friendship or sisterly love, i am talking about deep and spiritual love for another, where the intertwining of souls to shore each other up through life sometimes happens.
you do find that most pair up, eventually.
and its really to do just this, sustain each other in the difficult years ahead.
but why no body for me?
and still nobody in regard to another, friendship.
you remember the student days of lying on the floor with the cable of the phone threaded under the door to the kitchen so you could be disturbed or heard.
it was giddy and joyful and lovely, and i had a friendship, a deep and sincere and wonderful friendship.
not now.
no.
she got married and had kids, i stayed single and alone.
so these sorts of questions need answers.

and on another matter of youthfulness and joy.
the decades and the generations.
its about party time.
with us as students we only partied after hard work, and the partying was very frantic and frenzied and drug fuelled for many.
but life was tough.
we didnt have a cent.
we had to work to get through college, and work to put a roof over our head and when all was said and done, if your chosen path was not being say a doctor but artist instead then money was never going to be there.
but now i see via the great social media which leaves nothing to the imagination, partying is not a result but a lifelong aim.
its to party more than anything else.

when you are old and grey and sitting by the fire, will take down the book and slowly read and wonder.
why the hell did i party so?
as i ask myself, why didnt i party at all?