A very HSE day

it was a difficult day.

I was SO tired as the HSE official and a Council official plus twin, plus disab advocate and surveyor stood in my new home yesterday to discuss the merits of the rebuild aka adaptation grant.

Why oh why does a man have to stand over you when you so tired you cannot even be as tall as him (them) and say such things as 'why did you not have a project manager?'
'Why did you get such a door?'

of the first - no money, does it occur to anyone at all, in 60yrs of life, i hardly ever worked and when you are ill and get a grant (i asked for a bit extra for just that, a project manager)! and when you are ill and have not been a brickie nor a glazier nor an architect nor a builder, how on earth do i know anything about patio doors?

I do know aesthetically what i would wish for, but thats about it.

so that part of the day was fraught, leading to knackerland.
After that fraught day i proceeded that eve to wallpaper the back wall of the bedroom, change the colour throws on the bed and sofa to try, attempt squeeze some juice of enthusiasm from some place.
result, even more knackered and so to bed, 1am.

the day also started badly.
no bread for my lovely spanish lady which upset me cos i was too tired yesterday to go to bank and go get money.
no money in the tank for petrol which meant a diversion on the way to town at first possible chance to get a post office open.
i had to aim for that as i then would have been too late for the dentist.
this took me back to where i had come before i hit G.....
and once on the sniff of familiarity i burst into tears and that finished off today too!
Again the angst set in against one body of our care service, the HSE.
the very HSE who effectively destroyed my life as i know it, in the only way the HSE know how to do this.
I believe they do it with such finesse and with such flourish that it had to be honed to perfection in other peoples' lives before i was so unfortunate to meet the HSE!

You meet the HSE through Health.
usually BAD health, they come on board in a sort of invasive way.  You are referred to the HSE and when very sick they refer you to  many in the HSE, in fact the Health Service IS the HSE!

and soon you are consumed and denied even a life due to the HSE and being flooded, so that you bloody drown and are effectively taken over.

My life ended when the very first HSE person entered my life in my own home.
she walked into my life and walked out, leaving a trail of devastation.
this included managing to pursuade me to move out of an apartment and area i utterly adored.
At first i told her 'no way, i was leaving in a box'
after that she 'worked on me.'

so much so i left.
not only there but the whole county. Why did i leave the county?  i was allocated a dangerous small social housing unit that wasnt first inspected by the HSE as to its suitability and in the end i had children shoot at me and alcoholic men jump walls to attack me when the council spray painted out the parking bays of men who had lived in this area for over 14yrs, for a tosh that is me... as this bay was needed for a person with a disability who has a van that is adapted.
and there were messages to the HSE.
many!
and they all advised the famous HSE about how i dealt with change, (badly.)
how i needed certain things, (i did).
and all these messages were from consultants.
and all to a letter were either ignored, or at worst lost in the paperwork of HSE which has gone out of control, pretty much like the HSe.
at team meetings which were held in urgency when it went pear shaped found even the social worker not penning the fact that someone far more superior in status and experience was actually present in the room!  That person being my twin sister!  A social worker trainer in another country and with a doctorate, she was sitting there at his side and not even noted as present on that day at that team meeting.  That, my friends is as bad as it gets.

the day that Reilly says in the Dail that the HSE is gone, will be the day i will crack champagne over the heads of those who destroyed my life

it will be as jubilant as the George of Cambridge.
just as.
the dynasty has ended.
the dictatorship has been broken.
the king has lost his head and humpty dumpty will never be put together again.

thats the day i hope will come in my lifetime.

Also i shall digress for a minute, but not long.

I also want to see the day that disabled people stand up and be counted.
because i believe they are crushed and squashed like i was and have been.
One thing i will not do, is name it.
the abuse of the sick.
and I name it in and within the HSE.

I also want everyone who has to struggle ill health, struggle disability and struggle disadvantage, to not grovel for needs to be met, but to stand tall with dignity and face full frontal all who want to put you down and crush rather than lift up.
Anyone who denies another freedom to enjoy the life they were and are entitled to shall be named, in full.
there are so many within this organisation who stood by and let what happened me happen. i have to say as a collective entity they are equal in their efforts to not uphold the values which is in the job descriptions they hold.
the denial of their duty reeks through the pages of documents and how they manage to lift the phone and get the votes of colleagues so their backs and fronts are covered and so its an infected collective disease.
the HSE.

If the HSE feel and believe that i have gone away they are very much mistaken.
the pink bowler howler rules ok.
and for sure.
the pink bowler will not be hung up like old rugby boots until i can say i have been vindicated.
the day that justice is done for one individual who cruelly met up with the HSe and was put down by the HSE will be the day, a beginning of a routing of a sort.
the beginning of one individual who has enabled others to start their own personal battles for their needs to be met.
not grovelling.
not being shoved into the spot of 'Its all your fault!'
this is a factor of dynamic the HSE are particularly good at.
turning things askew.
but the wheels are turning.
and i believe i have it beneath the bowler hat, pink in colour, supported with the other pink bowler to say to the HSE - This is one individual you cannot mess around with.

I do have supporters.
there are still many who see me as kind, though fragile.
kind and gentle though at times too vocal, as in vocalizing distress.
kind and giving, and i do this, i believe in spades.
i am also creative, practical and inventive.
you learn that by being poverty stricken and never leaving that zone either.

one day it will be the part of who i am that is fully appreciated.
but will only be so once the HSE departs from their format of 'slash and burn' tactics.
because the HSE is so powerful it does destroy, and has destroyed.
look to the annuals of how they treat those of the children of this state who have been unfortunate enough to be cared for the state.
what happened, many are now - DEAD before they have reached the age of 21yrs old.

and that is directly due to lack of professionalism, of - THE HSE.

time is not on my side for diplomacy.
there is no sweet talking from me, because we have not the decade left to sort stuff and things are slow enough to get done in this country.
I have gone directly to the jugular here.
i have had to because, time my friends.

who it be any better anyway if i stated in a sealed and closed letter "to whom it concerned, I am writing to the HSE to kindly request that they be kind to me."
i doubt that would work.
WE ARE kind is their answer and so be it.
their unkindness has to be dealt with in this format.
the unkind way.
for now.
Do i know the HSE read this.
i guess some do peek in.
i guess they do.

To this very day i see and remember the first day the HSE knocked on my door, for the first time.
I don't wish to remember it.

lost but found and lost again

hi everyone,
sorry for not posting as frequently as i should.
the health has taken a dive.

shall i start with the good news then?  ah why not!
it is in short supply so the blog will not really contain much more, except at the end something might happen, you never can tell....but it might.


I have been granted permission by the HSE overseas treatment fund to get over to Queens Square for review, assessment and consideration.
this is GREAT news actually!
it is MEANT to prepare a care plan for my return.

Have i heard these words before - answer, yes.
but i am very hopeful that this will produce this as its coming from the top brass in UK and possibly europe.

we have to remain forever positive.

On the downside the slide is downwards, i am afraid.
the HSE continue the harrasment over returning the bucket chair, the powered wheelchair.
no one seems to be that ignited to fight for me but i am fighting.
I have indeed contacted ah Brian Crowley MEP, and by the end of this email should remember his first name, forgive me for forgetting but i do a lot of that these days, its easy really when your brain is effectively witless tired and jaded. (its been slotted in now remembered)!

I am waiting for physio, thats like butterflies, the one day wonders that come about when well, when butterflies decide to fly for the one day some day if not at all day, but no not for six months, but now we (twin and i are on the list)
I am also on the list for psychological input, not to sort my head at all but to make sure it stays on the shoulders and to try repair the confidence plummet after moving to this land of - well i thought peace and tranquillity for ever and ever amen and more.

that hasnt happened.
the care in this county for older people is non existant.
but as my staying guest/student who is going to fund the stay, 'there are a lot of babies in G...'
indeed there are...nice and rounded, fat pink and healthy.
so why are the babies then clogging up all the nurses time and attention at these weigh in clinics and advice clinics.
you see them enter in the expensive prams and looking good.
so why cant parenting be as primeval as it was intended, natural.  Most parents are good parents.
i am not denying the fact that vulnerable groups need to be watched and cared for.
not at all.
i dont think its either cost effective or fair to just have every baby in the county turn up at an alarming frequency.
and for each baby there is a triplicate report, thats obligatory.
the nurses are jaded and weary.
the elderly in the county, the disabled and other many vulnerable groups are missing out from the community care now practically consumed by babies
its not that equal in my opinion and having babies is sort of natural.  Mothers are good to them, in the main.
but a lonely 88yr old crashing to the floor and having a bloodied head which needs attending, needs the input from a district nurse, she needs watching.
oh same woman is angry that she is being told all about what she can avail of, you know home help and stuff.  she doesnt want it.
i know why.
it can be goddam invasive,  many cannot cope.
i have to cos i badly need it, but no i find it hard to cope with this.
hence the waiting list for the psych help, not psychiatry no, just someone to ease the burden of stress over coming here.
where the babies are.
what else have i not got and what list do i remain on.
well the emg never happened and am on the list for that.
the heart 24hr monitor never happened so waiting for that.
achilles attention never happened so continue to be in awful pain but waiting for an ultrasound and a dye thing xray for a hand that has now developed a trigger finger.
i am badly needing summer shoes and the denial and withdrawal of that funding means i am wearing clapped out orthotic shoes for deformed feet which saw me too hit the deck and gain a sprained ankle, its the same ankle as the busted achilles so now extra pain and no one cares a sh...how i attempt to walk.
i dont see health professionals except to give me a jab for the cytamin injection which is usually awfully painful for some reason.
i never had a painful injection before and the gp refuses to do it to ease my pain.

i have a lovely spanish lady staying with me as part of a three week stay educational like and she is a leader making sure the 15yr olds do nothing silly and move without supervision..they are testing her nightly...i think so far she has contained them to the rules, ok.

lovely girl i have to say.
its been fine but i have to learn now to have someone in my new home, its kinda financially testing to keep going on the disab pension and i manage just about so extra has to come.

is there any final good news eh?
well we are putting in to the equality tribunal a report to support our/my claim under the equal status act against the HSE.
i believe i am right in doing this.
it can however be a test case to see if ireland can deliver justice... we have to see on that.
Dr. Margaret raging Wheels has been working flat out on the documents.
she of EU fame and training social worker fame and saving lives of those who were abused by clergy.
she rang me this morning when reviewing some of the details "god ann this is awful stuff!'
need i say more.
oh oh good news i forgot.

well we went to the Moxie studios to look at photo books i enjoyed it and believe my twin did too, but next day i had the weeps and bawling yawling on the swinger collapsed in utter exhaustion.
still lying horizontal and shattered but there you are there you go.
still debating genetics and pain with people who i think find this subject rather baffling and confusing, comparisons been made on how children suffer worse than adults.
i do not buy this comparison at all.
children actually have a naievity that gets them by and love which can come in spades and hope because they have a 'magic thinking' mindset.
the adults however can feel drained, have an intellectual understanding that its never ending and they would be right,that they are left to fight for their needs usually alone and they have to live it like children do not.
rarely is a grown adult soothed other the rough patches. you sit it out or in my case lie it out.
the dyamics of communication defeats me most times, i find it difficult.
but for sure, it is worth it and it can start a debate that may end in a positive outcome, but i shall leave it once the name calling begins, because i am too tired to go down that route of whatever.
so so so so ah.
ann