i met a HSE official yesterday- i met pain and tears today

it was a tough meeting with a top level official of the HSE.
it was arranged by my local TD and neighbour Simon Harris  and i am grateful for that.

but as many commentators said to me afterwards, lets see 'the delivery' after such a meeting before you decide whether you can truly say you either like them or are going to trust them.

i liked her.
but i have been warned again today 'we are dealing with a large organization'

we also have to remember that the Organization in question is dubious.
but its all we have.
and not all are rotten to the core, though i doubt we will ever know who we can trust and who we can
but certainly some retain that belief they had when they went into healthcare that they could make a difference to sick people.

today my mood went into 'free fall.'
it was pissing down outside so it didn't help.

another organision rang me with almost a contemptuous voice and i got terribly upset.

she tries to help as best she can i think

once my friends i didn't have all this.
what i had was LIFE as you know it and others know it and as my twin once knew it.

why does it all change when you become sick and getting sicker.
why do the carers care the least.
why do the family run in the opposite direction.
and why too does no one bother to see PAIN, as if its infectious.

i think by meeting up with a chronically ill person can put things in perspective and build up personal trust that if this ever happened you you could do it well, you could be a decent sickie or even a better sickie but living and learning means you will have to meet and learn from being around at least one sickie.
the feeling of us as having nothing to offer is bullshit.
for  the healthy we remind people of our fraility.
we ask them to question their lives and also to consider one word which is vital.

what is my life
what is the purpose.

i see i didnt have all of my front teeth so this wasnt yesterday but a while back they crawled all over methey do not now as rarely i am able for this type of thing, i get far too tired and too much pain asks these friends even to just be a little away but not too far

if i have now gone over nine years with no living at all then why should i end in this awful stuck grove of pain and fraught relationships simply because a state organisation and its one of its members wronged me and i find myself living anywhere but where i should be because of them.
she was a nice lady but the ones above are the people who drive home policy and it can be cold and uncaring as right now the hse is so bothered about the cost cutting its not selective what they are doing
in saying all this, i hate being sick.