Saturday, August 15, 2015

Meaningfulness, Happiness and the HSE

I am hopeful a time will come when this organisation will be just one of the many things i have to deal with.
I am hopeful a time will come when my personal life isn't consumed by the HSE, dictated by the HSE and tortured by the HSE.
Killiney Hill - where i walked with my Dad from a young age, this is my "Spiritual Home"
this is where i feel really good and at one with God
When i look from the top of the world, i AM on top of the world!
Killiney Hill to Dun Laoghaire and Howth - and all between
my Land-MY HOME!
i do not use the word torture lightly.
remember i am an educated lady realising torture in the world today is endemic.  I am not so lacking in empathy that my experiences are on a power to Syria, Isis, Palestine nor any other war torn country.
that said, its as equal to be told 'thank your blessings, you could be...' or 'you look well, think of those who have .....disease'
the latter sentence is futile in responding to distress.

I am educated enough to know, we live in a vacuum to a degree as we each try to live out our lives where we were intended to be, in my case the Ireland of today.
therefore all things relative, my experience of torture is...the HSE.

this is relevant to me as any other nation has their own troubles.
but its not the same type of torture, its just relevant to issues of the individual in any present time and space, country and age.

I am tortured
I see a time i will walk again - with a powered "all terrain" wheelchair.
I see this time as being 'Allowed' to live again
but i see a time when i will not be tortured but free.

Lets use another analogy here.  I feel i am placed on Robin Island.
i am not in a box of a cell but i am in a cell placed in no mans land to me.
i am here because i was shot at.  that isn't easy, to be removed from all i had loved dearly and could reach nearly if i was this sick and unable to do anything other than  a fifteen minute drive to a given destination and take out a fab wheelchair and throttle along environments that meant the world to me.

instead i am on this island that if i got into the van i would have to think carefully.  to get any where 'meaningful' for a person who receives the voice and soul from the environment i would have to drive some distance first.
i am not well enough to do this.

Meaning in life means far more than happiness, oh no this was alerted to me by a post on the faithful facebook a loved and hated medium.
but meaning is to me, to engage with familiarity and goodness and to have a purpose and be a useful, giving human being.

not being on an island hoping and waiting to return to my place, that place where the soul laps in the waves and sounds and rebounds in memories, cherished land of a spiritual ideal, for an individual who laps up life through familiar places, sounds and the people i knew well.

some find retirement and downsizing to a different county not easy but are able for it.
their ways of getting that meaning is actually through all they had done through before, usually family, friendships and maybe reading, the garden a bit of walking and a bit of socialising.

i have none of these.
i engaged in the land on a higher level because the 'human' was not there for me.
i engaged in empathy on a greater level with strangers who were disadvantaged or similar because sometimes people do this not so much to compensate but because the 'feeling of empathy is far greater if you do not have the distraction of family, friendships and your own kit and kin.

being who you are is pretty much dictated by who you are, the person you are but also by choice.

you chose to live a certain way.
if you are inclined to be greedy from an early age you will usually have this as your life path by choice, few turn from that and begin a life of gaining and destroying, some do not do it in wild ways such as our friend from Waterford whispers, but some do it in that subtle way within small groups and even within family.
but charge ahead for the moolah and they will and suppress all they need to they will.

to me, to earn money didn't come that easily.
i was an artist in the 70's and a troubled one.
so money wasn't the attachment i had and i never did really, for money was not around when growing up.
attaining a place in society, an attachment to people was a necessary and when i drifted far from the people i gain more from the land.

but now another wondrous thing about me being, i am a survivor.
none would fully appreciate this unless you were faced with a wall of aggression and repression and none would find it deep within unless they are that survivor.
i am it, and i only realised this when faced with the oppressor.
the HSE.

talent and belief in yourself are all discoveries by experiences.
did i ever think for a minute that i would reach outside that lonely box of just a studio and a dog to buy a home, engage with architect, solicitors, surveyors when all told me i was good for nothing, no.
did i ever think that i would be able to manage an independent life without the forces of medicine shoring me up forever daily, no i didn't.
i did not know who i was until i had crohns surgery and nearly died.

i did not know i was so brim full of strength until i faced the HSE demanding i do things that i intrinsically knew in my heart were wrong and i didn't want to do.
designing my home to the plan of a HSE official anonymous to this day was not something i took lightly.
i fought back.
but to fight in this manner was not something i was born to do.
i am a peaceful person.
i do not like it, so when i say i need my meaningful life and times back, i sincerely mean, i need it

but when the HSE consume your every moment on paper, in voice, in letters, emails and meetings, i need to fight the demon and start to re-enter that zone that i fully realise i can be a better person and a more useful person to society.

the fight of the HSE is demeaning, soul destroying and perverse.
unless the HSE begin to understand their own brief in history and in ideology we are on collision course and everyone who is hurt by the HSE is also.

remember the HSE fully know that the dynamic they engage in is familiar to them, but also its familiar to everyone else too.
they can have the Legal department which must cost millions a year to have because more and more people are facing up to their personal damage by the hse.
the HSE know that to make sure that they are protected they need this legalise, because the hurt, the wounded and the betrayed and destroyed are facing them daily in a discourse they never knew they would have to engage in.
but now they have to face one fact.
and more besides.

I cannot be the person who can partake in a meaningful way in life if the HSE is 'in my face' in such an abhorrent way.
i must disengage from the war.
the fight.
i have a few meetings shortly with this organisation from utter hell.
i ask all who are kindly out there who read my blog to think of me and pray for me in the next few months.
i will be away in a hospital in a different country for a while, with a rare disease i need this too.
i will be back again for - the HSE in a huge encounter after ten years of unrelenting disagreeable engagement with the HSE.
i also meet hopefully in peace and good will with a high official shortly and this has to be placed where it is, non aggression and with all the faith i have in myself and others to successfully have a meeting that sees an empathic engagement of acknowledgement of hurt and damage and then to see the 'person' that person who was a singular, lonely isolated figure who tried to help others within their own community.

the idea of this meeting is to express part of who i am, not the perception others have of me but the real Ann with her whole unhappy life but a fulfilled life, a meaningful life.
i want the HSE to take no more from me and my chances to be who i rightfully should be, a giver to others, not an aggressor to a large organisation who soul destroys at the first chance it gets.

we of course are not speaking of those working on the ground immediately in the community.
they are as beaten down as their clients, i feel this.
we are talking of managers, organisational operators who dictate.
who never understand sickness and hardly ever hit it.
I want to laugh with the fishermen again.
i want to watch the seals eat the scraps they throw down by the steps at Bullock Harbour, where my mother took me to buy fish for the Catholic Fridays'
blessed be them that fight the good fight and win.
blessed be them that know their strength and what their life has meant and where they will find meaningfulness within it, even with a life shortening illness, the purpose is to do give til the end for that is my purpose and i see the rest as utterly meaningless.
When i return to my home i shall be creative - do what i am best at doing, peaceful calm and space in my head for better thingand pray to god i get home quickly to where i belong, Dun Laoghaire, my soul land without a doubt my soul land.
when i am home again i shall sit there quietly and dream of what once was and think back only as a dream on 'the cruelty visited upon me, when i was captured in entirety by a very large health care organisation.
i shall swiftly remember ah, but I am home again and shall be in peace once more

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