HSE medical treatment and personal history made pathological

i have nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of and know i have a chequered history.

it is when this history becomes pathologised then i will speak out.
when i say that all should be aware of something before it ever happens because sure as eggs is eggs when it happens its very difficult to deal with.

I was born with severe deafness and was very shy young lady on leaving school.  i didnt do well when i left a sheltered environment and its because of my profound deafness that both my skills as a diplomatic communicator was nil, but also my social communication was so poor i was left out of everything.
i became depressed about it all.
we were in the 70's then, not a particularly enlightened era (but then what i am experiencing now tells me this era isnt either!)  i entered the psychiatric system as there wasnt any such thing as psychology then, psychiatry was the only discipline open to us who were finding life tough to adjust to.
decades of medications and not a lot of living i left that and went for therapy, i was  fifty.

fast forward again i became very ill and pretty much no one knew what was happening and i was a bit of a mystery.
i was told to take the anti-depressants and with that left at home with not a lot else being provided.
i did receive an apology from the psychiatric services, they tell me i should never have been there.
i asked why was i and if they realized nothing much was changing for me why didnt they change their heavy regime of  over medicating.
they had no answer to that.
with the apology i asked the director of care did she not think it was a bit late, i now was unable to walk much and was on sticks and i then graduated to wheelchairs and more besides.

but i did get far with therapy and began to feel far happier.
nothing prepared me then when i became so physically unwell.

it is ongoing.
there is inuendo as to my past history.
doctors with a specialty of neurology and rheumatology regularly state stuff about suggesting i attend psychiatrists and i do refuse these suggestions and have a right to.  this is seen both negative but to suggest it in the first place is out of order for i am not mentally ill and never was.
the rheumatologist puts down my breathing issues as possibly my underlying anxiety disorder but i never was diagnosed with this either, either when young or now and i see no one now who have the skills to determine this so how on earth are these statements ending up on my medical notes?

they should nt be.
but my history dictates that all within the medical field can say it with conviction when they know once i was and maybe now i need it as i had once before, but i can say i was offered an apology.

no, of course that too isn't believed.

what makes it even more alarming i seem to have some condition that doesn't make sense and no one seems to be able to determine why i am so ill.
now i have already been told i may never know.
but i do want to.
because unless i know the innuendo will remain that this is some kind of fabrication.

when you get notes under foi which you are legally entitled to do, you could weep so you could.
the jury has been signed in, the executioner is whatever medical discipline i have been to and sentence passed without any proof nor without any expert opinions being sought.

the sentence is read out by the least qualified of the courts, the head of the jury but the judge of course has already directed the jury.

i remain pathologized.
and unless i can find vindication from somewhere i don't think i can live in an archaic system where such things are allowed that mistruths, suspicions around sanity, reality and pathology are blurred.

to me there is one way of dealing with a symptom and there is only one way of dealing with it.
you tell a person who is best to advise what it may be.
you ask for help and you are so friggin naieve that these 'experts' will believe you that you trust them to find out why you are having the issues you are having.

but when the doctors fail to care for you, fail to advocate for care and fail to write letters on your behalf and conducting tests to rule out certain things then we know we are in for a terrifying end of life scenario, this is little ireland.
the doctors are mini gods, you simply cannot question them and most don't.

but that doesn't also make it right for them to imply that anything i should say is either psychiatric or anxiety disorder,  neither of which i have and never did.

i was a shy young immature lady in my twenties, extremely deafened and already been sexually abused so i was frightened of entering adult life, again these do not make one mental, nor anything near it.
talk about counting five plus five make five hundred?

but this is ireland.
it could very well be every other country because those who enter psychiatry can never get away from their history.
try being a self injurer as i was then.
well that is instant loopers status, even though i am now in my 60's it still means i am permanently loopers because i show permanent scars.
what say anyone that i got out of that behaviour and took charge?
what if this is what happened, and it did happen, can you ask others to believe you or even by demonstrating responsibility for ones own life can you prove it you have taken charge.
not at all.
you will and always will be the looper.

this is pathologizing an individual to death.
and that worries me because i see i could die from this.
i could be ignored and could die.

it does and can happen and i am an extremely worried woman.
i have that right to be.
i believe i have every cause to be.