its too tough to say "I love Living in Ireland - when sick"

insanely loveable, bites when nervous and afraid, after that 'a piece of cake' when she trusts you.  Can you allow her trust you?

this is Mama and she is sick, but she adores Ana (above) would never harm her and they have a very good relationship, like Ana, Ann can 'bite' but once you get to know the true soul, a very nice palsy chumsie kinda gal you couldn't hope to meet.

it is just too tough to say "i love Living in Ireland, I love my country,"  It is too tough to like my country anymore and the reason for this is, once i became sick and very disabled, i realised facts about it, i never did before.

i am now frightened in Ireland which i suppose has to be the worst feeling of all.

If you are very sick, have no money and in the public healthcare system you have every right to fear it all.
if you are old, very sick, have no money and in the public healthcare system AND have the community/primary care system on top of this banging into your life you really can truely be fearful.
it is frightening.
lets say been there/done that but unfortunately i have to say 'I am here and i am doing this,' and i hate every minute of it.

my life is no longer my own.
i am state property and nothing more.
so dependent now i have to wait and see if they will honour anything for me as in healthcare provision.
am i worthy of it.
do i grovel for it, because they favour that form of patient.
they love the compliant, maliable and gentle and petit person, especially in women.
men seem to do better because most in the healthcare system are men anyway so there is some kind of affinity by being the same gender.
but for women, thos bolshi ones are the ones that get it between the eyes.

if i tell a person in the healthcare system 'no, i wont take that shit.'
well my friends, start beginning to be afraid.
it only takes once to stand up to them to make it all go horribly wrong for you.

Ask a consultant to help you do something here is so shocking for them they look at you in disbelief, they name call you by not actually name calling but blame your 'attitude' or your 'personality'
or mental health status, even if they understood this or not, its one or the other that has you on the wrong side of the medicine man.

if you have to tackle homecare and primary care well pretty  much worse that one is.
because your 'no' mets their 'no'
thats not pretty.
its harrowing.

more than harrowing.

but lets look at this please.
tell me how it effects the HSE for instance if you stand up to them.
it doesnt.
not at all.
the HSE in its entirety has absolutely nothing to do with healthcare, they dont care.
this isnt myself just saying it, those who are the gentle petite, the calm and quiet ones are also saying it, but actually saying it in different ways and in different forums, but probably not to the people they loathe with every fibre of their being, but 'we' say it together, and can help each other.
many are being abused in this country.
many.
its known in this country.
but is it known in Europe.
Well, yes, i do think it is.

why because we do have the council for civil liberties, we do have people managing to say it to the MEP's and the Human Rights commission, its not 'in your face stuff' because Ireland doesnt do this 'in your face' thing.
they believe in the undercover man.
or woman.

those that will speak in forked tongues but also those who are half in bed with the devil and half out.
just to make sure you get some profit for agreeing to some things and bellowing about others is a way to see you win and also win again.

Ireland has always worked this way.
back handers.
it doesnt always have to be money.
it can be 'silence'  this is a powerful tool.
if you are 'silent' you will get some help, maybe not alot but you will get something, and the down side, it probably wont be enough.
if you say even one 'no' you will get not a lot for your proud confidence to face em with even one fact can tarnish you for life.
for me its now a decade of this shit.

I am losing doctors as if its going out of fashion.
so far i have lost in a very short space of time, two neurologists, one rheumatologist, one ENT specialist, and one gynaecologist and am unsure about the gastroenterologist.

but when they say to you your diseases are incurable, that also means 'go away and die please, and dont die on my patch but please, go bury yourself deep will ya.'

yes, so two of my major conditions are incurable, and they will eventually 'take me out.'
but some of these are not even discoverable yet because ireland is saying 'just go away and die please.'

i have muscle myopathy which is known.
but who cares?
certainly not ireland.
the doctors will not do any further muscle investigations, even though some muscle myopathies can be helped or even reversed once you find out what kind you have.
well we havent got off the starting blocks on that one.
and they wont help me, none of them.
how do you lose so many doctors?

thats a good question, you ask them to help you.
and when they dont and wont, you may get tetchy with them and ask 'why not?'
thats the bit that gets you a bit of a bad rep.
you ask them to help you, they say no and you ask 'why?'
which is reasonable.
and they dont have the lingo to respond the only way they do is pick up the files and walk from the room and leave you stun gunned in a wheelchair left behind talking to walls on that one.
the other way is and this is a super one many others can learn from this because its a fecking clincher for them.
'the relationship has broken down.'  that really means the Divorce has taken place.
"just shove off the planet and die" is what they really mean.

you get that divorce through a letter sent to the GP and copied to you and after that you are dead meat to that doctor, dont cross the door again.

they can also black list you as well.
 but in any small country this is very easy and ireland is small.
they do this by bush telegraph, its the whispers across the social strata and they do it too very cleverly indeed.
they do not tattle about it, they say that medically there is not alot wrong and oh her?
but they can also say 'heavy desease burden' and 'you have a lot to bear' but these are at the beginning of the marriage before they fully read the contract of the vows.
they have a duty and suddenly they realise this heavy disease burden is also the doctor's and they dont want it, so that can cause a complete shift from 'heavy disease burden' to 'there is no cure for your condition so "just go home and die and take some anti-depressants with it, that will help the pain - of the divorce and all other ills to boot.

the other organisation i am even more fearful.
the ones whos extras are rising by the year and who put in for 'expenses' rocketing off the richter and yet deny care to those who are trying to live with a disability on a quarter of the department's manager 'top up's and i mean that to me is very sick indeed.
so for all his little perks and not the salary for which he has done sod all, the sickie is trying to live on a quarter of that.

the problem i have is, we are the expensive ones.
we are the ones being blamed for the state of the economy that the 'sick are expensive' and we cannot cope with the expense of keeping you well, happy or even baseline care because you are expensive.
i beg to add i feel its expensive to shore up the fat cats creaming off the state and the backs of the sick, disabled, poor and elderly.
thats our healthcare system managers and their managers above them.

to me, thats why i loathe this country.
because i am depressed with who i have to deal with in the healthcare system.

i am waiting for the kindly person in either a white coat or a person who actually asks me how i am doing and if i need any help.

but all i get is 'go away' and 'no.'
and your disease is incurable anyway so "what is the point man!"  (woman)!

I will clearly give you an answer to this one and i hope you have stuck it out long enough on this blog to hear my personal take on this please.

i value my life - i also value my twin's life
i would make sure she is warm, nurtured, comforted and helped along, sometimes i hold a scissors to her throat, but in the main, i love her (without the kissing bit)

just in case you do not think so, i will remind you that this is my LIFE, and its the only one i have and i value it very much.
once i am under the soil i am not coming back, unless to haunt you or feed the trees above me.
but once i am gone thats it, i am gone.
and i rather like it here, despite humans making a piss of my beautiful planet and countryside.

i do feel its the humans that are making it pretty much a 'dogs life' of a human life, and look at the woebegone looking beasts here
(like myself, she doesnt have canker or an ear tumour)

but i do enjoy being alive, even though its tough.
i also wish you to know some thing else.
i could be your mother or granny Doctor.
would you treat your mother or granny in a similar fashion?
i dont think so.

so if you dont mind i would like to say i do mind that you treat me atrociously.
I would rather you did not.

I want to enjoy what is left to me.
that means i need your help and i need it badly.
lets say kindly to you without people like me you would be out of a job!
the sicker i am the better off you should be.
ah but then of course, (you say) i am in the public health care system!
there is the political clincher, no dosh.
well not really so actually.
cos there is a payoff.
very much so.
when hospital groups are public/private partnerships, it helps to be able to put your seriously ill private patients in with the best of the critical care, most private hospitals do not have a critical care system, but the public system does.
so you can give your whiskey giving patients in with US, shove us out and put them in.
but the only thing being...you still have to care for us.
which maybe a bit of a pity and a drag on you,but once you signed the hypocratic oath you have a duty of care.
but i dont think you sign that anymore, i think thats gone, hasnt it.

back to my life.
its mine.
no we do not yet have euthanasia in this country.
(reminder there).
I love my life that god has given me (reminder) and as in marriage - may no one tear asunder, as in 'relationship.'
which is your part of the bargain.

One day you will get your heavenly reward, (that applies to the HSE as well by the way).  if you are good.
but you have to be good first!

and i thought i would tell you too...its just a little pointer in getting relationships right, just in case you want to try again.

being warm and kind costs absolutely nothing.
being warm and kind and offering your caring and expert service actually comes back in rebound, you will recieve warmness and kindness and also recommendations, so you see.  its a relationship that could work.

she is now perking up - is there a possibility of a 'loving, caring and warm "relationship?"

but like anything else, who takes charge of this relationship.
the stronger has the power (lets say its man V women, as most seem to be in life, that can be called a working relationship), the pants are on you.

therefore it takes a strong person to go out side the box and be kind in order to make this liason work.
there is fuck all a degenerate, subservient piece of shit can do to this relationship unless the powerful can start and nurture it along.
once nurtured the piece of shit will be so grateful they will be kind and warm towards you.

is it time to be kind and loving, am i nurtured, do i have hope, is there a cat over there i see - or is that a doctor or a HSE official - do they need a lick?

its far better than castigating the whole of bloody ireland on the blog she writes and begins to spead by bird droppings on twitter.
my relationship could be made in heaven (but i would like to stay alive first and be in heaven here first) you never can tell what happens after apart from nurturing the trees.

i would like to stay alive.
and i demand you also do not put me in an 'old persons home.'
because the riot act has begun.
We are in Ireland, holy ireland, them places are the most abusive in the whole of Europe, as proven, culturally we are an abusive society.

so i best end this by saying as i have remarked to many within the HSE and 'other,' thats its all very abusive, i am told it takes time to change a culture.
Duh?
so abuse is culture?
well it can only happen in Ireland that abuse is culture.
i actually rather though we had Yeats, Keats, Heaney, Sean O'Riarda, The Chieftans and god forbid Daniel O'Donnell as 'culture.'
we certainly dont want to make an art of 'abuse.'

but then this is ireland.
i love the land but i am not sure the doctors or the HSE will allow me stay long enough to enjoy it.
cos i am fast falling out of faith in them to keep me alive and they are dropping away like flies from me or me from them, one or the other.
i have to say on parting that i never gave them that choice to kill me off.

but it well, very easily done here in ireland.
so easy and its scaring me.
can any one rope in a kindly doctor?

this is 'Maggie Mai'  no, she is not 'sick' but may be a little chilly and needs warmth and love, no i don't usually provide with a kiss, but then its not that kind of relationship, its the one where warmth and kindness is parmont to trive on.

i need as follows and here is the prescription:
a neurologist,
a gastroenterologist
an ENT specialist
a neuromuscular specialist.
a rheumatologist (specialty please in lupus and sjogrens)
a specialist nurse for rare diseases
a mito specialist
a metabolic specialist
a muscle wasting specialist.

every 'illusion' is sideways on today, but then the allegory of lopesideness is very apparent between the layers.

and finally i need heaps of love (don't worry it wont be that familiar), warmth and kindness and help.

my side of the bargain is, i am able to like you, able to be nice and able to be grateful.
but i have to have you on my side FIRST, otherwise there is no relationship.
cos there cant be as you need a second person here to be on the receiving end of my niceness.

a mutual 'love-in' doctor/patient "relationship" as in caring, warmth and nurture and helping, is an amazing feeling - all benefit, even when the air is chilly.

its a nice feeling to be liked!