its too tough to say "I love Living in Ireland - when sick"

insanely loveable, bites when nervous and afraid, after that 'a piece of cake' when she trusts you.  Can you allow her trust you?

this is Mama and she is sick, but she adores Ana (above) would never harm her and they have a very good relationship, like Ana, Ann can 'bite' but once you get to know the true soul, a very nice palsy chumsie kinda gal you couldn't hope to meet.

it is just too tough to say "i love Living in Ireland, I love my country,"  It is too tough to like my country anymore and the reason for this is, once i became sick and very disabled, i realised facts about it, i never did before.

i am now frightened in Ireland which i suppose has to be the worst feeling of all.

If you are very sick, have no money and in the public healthcare system you have every right to fear it all.
if you are old, very sick, have no money and in the public healthcare system AND have the community/primary care system on top of this banging into your life you really can truely be fearful.
it is frightening.
lets say been there/done that but unfortunately i have to say 'I am here and i am doing this,' and i hate every minute of it.

my life is no longer my own.
i am state property and nothing more.
so dependent now i have to wait and see if they will honour anything for me as in healthcare provision.
am i worthy of it.
do i grovel for it, because they favour that form of patient.
they love the compliant, maliable and gentle and petit person, especially in women.
men seem to do better because most in the healthcare system are men anyway so there is some kind of affinity by being the same gender.
but for women, thos bolshi ones are the ones that get it between the eyes.

if i tell a person in the healthcare system 'no, i wont take that shit.'
well my friends, start beginning to be afraid.
it only takes once to stand up to them to make it all go horribly wrong for you.

Ask a consultant to help you do something here is so shocking for them they look at you in disbelief, they name call you by not actually name calling but blame your 'attitude' or your 'personality'
or mental health status, even if they understood this or not, its one or the other that has you on the wrong side of the medicine man.

if you have to tackle homecare and primary care well pretty  much worse that one is.
because your 'no' mets their 'no'
thats not pretty.
its harrowing.

more than harrowing.

but lets look at this please.
tell me how it effects the HSE for instance if you stand up to them.
it doesnt.
not at all.
the HSE in its entirety has absolutely nothing to do with healthcare, they dont care.
this isnt myself just saying it, those who are the gentle petite, the calm and quiet ones are also saying it, but actually saying it in different ways and in different forums, but probably not to the people they loathe with every fibre of their being, but 'we' say it together, and can help each other.
many are being abused in this country.
many.
its known in this country.
but is it known in Europe.
Well, yes, i do think it is.

why because we do have the council for civil liberties, we do have people managing to say it to the MEP's and the Human Rights commission, its not 'in your face stuff' because Ireland doesnt do this 'in your face' thing.
they believe in the undercover man.
or woman.

those that will speak in forked tongues but also those who are half in bed with the devil and half out.
just to make sure you get some profit for agreeing to some things and bellowing about others is a way to see you win and also win again.

Ireland has always worked this way.
back handers.
it doesnt always have to be money.
it can be 'silence'  this is a powerful tool.
if you are 'silent' you will get some help, maybe not alot but you will get something, and the down side, it probably wont be enough.
if you say even one 'no' you will get not a lot for your proud confidence to face em with even one fact can tarnish you for life.
for me its now a decade of this shit.

I am losing doctors as if its going out of fashion.
so far i have lost in a very short space of time, two neurologists, one rheumatologist, one ENT specialist, and one gynaecologist and am unsure about the gastroenterologist.

but when they say to you your diseases are incurable, that also means 'go away and die please, and dont die on my patch but please, go bury yourself deep will ya.'

yes, so two of my major conditions are incurable, and they will eventually 'take me out.'
but some of these are not even discoverable yet because ireland is saying 'just go away and die please.'

i have muscle myopathy which is known.
but who cares?
certainly not ireland.
the doctors will not do any further muscle investigations, even though some muscle myopathies can be helped or even reversed once you find out what kind you have.
well we havent got off the starting blocks on that one.
and they wont help me, none of them.
how do you lose so many doctors?

thats a good question, you ask them to help you.
and when they dont and wont, you may get tetchy with them and ask 'why not?'
thats the bit that gets you a bit of a bad rep.
you ask them to help you, they say no and you ask 'why?'
which is reasonable.
and they dont have the lingo to respond the only way they do is pick up the files and walk from the room and leave you stun gunned in a wheelchair left behind talking to walls on that one.
the other way is and this is a super one many others can learn from this because its a fecking clincher for them.
'the relationship has broken down.'  that really means the Divorce has taken place.
"just shove off the planet and die" is what they really mean.

you get that divorce through a letter sent to the GP and copied to you and after that you are dead meat to that doctor, dont cross the door again.

they can also black list you as well.
 but in any small country this is very easy and ireland is small.
they do this by bush telegraph, its the whispers across the social strata and they do it too very cleverly indeed.
they do not tattle about it, they say that medically there is not alot wrong and oh her?
but they can also say 'heavy desease burden' and 'you have a lot to bear' but these are at the beginning of the marriage before they fully read the contract of the vows.
they have a duty and suddenly they realise this heavy disease burden is also the doctor's and they dont want it, so that can cause a complete shift from 'heavy disease burden' to 'there is no cure for your condition so "just go home and die and take some anti-depressants with it, that will help the pain - of the divorce and all other ills to boot.

the other organisation i am even more fearful.
the ones whos extras are rising by the year and who put in for 'expenses' rocketing off the richter and yet deny care to those who are trying to live with a disability on a quarter of the department's manager 'top up's and i mean that to me is very sick indeed.
so for all his little perks and not the salary for which he has done sod all, the sickie is trying to live on a quarter of that.

the problem i have is, we are the expensive ones.
we are the ones being blamed for the state of the economy that the 'sick are expensive' and we cannot cope with the expense of keeping you well, happy or even baseline care because you are expensive.
i beg to add i feel its expensive to shore up the fat cats creaming off the state and the backs of the sick, disabled, poor and elderly.
thats our healthcare system managers and their managers above them.

to me, thats why i loathe this country.
because i am depressed with who i have to deal with in the healthcare system.

i am waiting for the kindly person in either a white coat or a person who actually asks me how i am doing and if i need any help.

but all i get is 'go away' and 'no.'
and your disease is incurable anyway so "what is the point man!"  (woman)!

I will clearly give you an answer to this one and i hope you have stuck it out long enough on this blog to hear my personal take on this please.

i value my life - i also value my twin's life
i would make sure she is warm, nurtured, comforted and helped along, sometimes i hold a scissors to her throat, but in the main, i love her (without the kissing bit)

just in case you do not think so, i will remind you that this is my LIFE, and its the only one i have and i value it very much.
once i am under the soil i am not coming back, unless to haunt you or feed the trees above me.
but once i am gone thats it, i am gone.
and i rather like it here, despite humans making a piss of my beautiful planet and countryside.

i do feel its the humans that are making it pretty much a 'dogs life' of a human life, and look at the woebegone looking beasts here
(like myself, she doesnt have canker or an ear tumour)

but i do enjoy being alive, even though its tough.
i also wish you to know some thing else.
i could be your mother or granny Doctor.
would you treat your mother or granny in a similar fashion?
i dont think so.

so if you dont mind i would like to say i do mind that you treat me atrociously.
I would rather you did not.

I want to enjoy what is left to me.
that means i need your help and i need it badly.
lets say kindly to you without people like me you would be out of a job!
the sicker i am the better off you should be.
ah but then of course, (you say) i am in the public health care system!
there is the political clincher, no dosh.
well not really so actually.
cos there is a payoff.
very much so.
when hospital groups are public/private partnerships, it helps to be able to put your seriously ill private patients in with the best of the critical care, most private hospitals do not have a critical care system, but the public system does.
so you can give your whiskey giving patients in with US, shove us out and put them in.
but the only thing being...you still have to care for us.
which maybe a bit of a pity and a drag on you,but once you signed the hypocratic oath you have a duty of care.
but i dont think you sign that anymore, i think thats gone, hasnt it.

back to my life.
its mine.
no we do not yet have euthanasia in this country.
(reminder there).
I love my life that god has given me (reminder) and as in marriage - may no one tear asunder, as in 'relationship.'
which is your part of the bargain.

One day you will get your heavenly reward, (that applies to the HSE as well by the way).  if you are good.
but you have to be good first!

and i thought i would tell you too...its just a little pointer in getting relationships right, just in case you want to try again.

being warm and kind costs absolutely nothing.
being warm and kind and offering your caring and expert service actually comes back in rebound, you will recieve warmness and kindness and also recommendations, so you see.  its a relationship that could work.

she is now perking up - is there a possibility of a 'loving, caring and warm "relationship?"

but like anything else, who takes charge of this relationship.
the stronger has the power (lets say its man V women, as most seem to be in life, that can be called a working relationship), the pants are on you.

therefore it takes a strong person to go out side the box and be kind in order to make this liason work.
there is fuck all a degenerate, subservient piece of shit can do to this relationship unless the powerful can start and nurture it along.
once nurtured the piece of shit will be so grateful they will be kind and warm towards you.

is it time to be kind and loving, am i nurtured, do i have hope, is there a cat over there i see - or is that a doctor or a HSE official - do they need a lick?

its far better than castigating the whole of bloody ireland on the blog she writes and begins to spead by bird droppings on twitter.
my relationship could be made in heaven (but i would like to stay alive first and be in heaven here first) you never can tell what happens after apart from nurturing the trees.

i would like to stay alive.
and i demand you also do not put me in an 'old persons home.'
because the riot act has begun.
We are in Ireland, holy ireland, them places are the most abusive in the whole of Europe, as proven, culturally we are an abusive society.

so i best end this by saying as i have remarked to many within the HSE and 'other,' thats its all very abusive, i am told it takes time to change a culture.
Duh?
so abuse is culture?
well it can only happen in Ireland that abuse is culture.
i actually rather though we had Yeats, Keats, Heaney, Sean O'Riarda, The Chieftans and god forbid Daniel O'Donnell as 'culture.'
we certainly dont want to make an art of 'abuse.'

but then this is ireland.
i love the land but i am not sure the doctors or the HSE will allow me stay long enough to enjoy it.
cos i am fast falling out of faith in them to keep me alive and they are dropping away like flies from me or me from them, one or the other.
i have to say on parting that i never gave them that choice to kill me off.

but it well, very easily done here in ireland.
so easy and its scaring me.
can any one rope in a kindly doctor?

this is 'Maggie Mai'  no, she is not 'sick' but may be a little chilly and needs warmth and love, no i don't usually provide with a kiss, but then its not that kind of relationship, its the one where warmth and kindness is parmont to trive on.

i need as follows and here is the prescription:
a neurologist,
a gastroenterologist
an ENT specialist
a neuromuscular specialist.
a rheumatologist (specialty please in lupus and sjogrens)
a specialist nurse for rare diseases
a mito specialist
a metabolic specialist
a muscle wasting specialist.

every 'illusion' is sideways on today, but then the allegory of lopesideness is very apparent between the layers.

and finally i need heaps of love (don't worry it wont be that familiar), warmth and kindness and help.

my side of the bargain is, i am able to like you, able to be nice and able to be grateful.
but i have to have you on my side FIRST, otherwise there is no relationship.
cos there cant be as you need a second person here to be on the receiving end of my niceness.

a mutual 'love-in' doctor/patient "relationship" as in caring, warmth and nurture and helping, is an amazing feeling - all benefit, even when the air is chilly.

its a nice feeling to be liked!

A week's experience at all the irish hospitals and with the HSE

what happens when a loaded HSE tries to take short cuts - seriously!

this is the look before the HSE take a crash course through my life and times - seriously!

this was a serious week.  Yes, you can call it that.  It was always also going to be 'heavy going.'
it started with the battle of how both my twin and i were to get to the many appointments we had lined up for this week, one medical appointment a day for the full week.
argument that i simply couldnt drive the van with two wheelchairs the length and breath of dublin environs being so unwell, is self evident.
i do not 'do' even when well, far flung areas where i know the geography badly, i learnt to drive at 53 and i am tired and ill.

arguement won, that i could end up a serious danger on the road if made do it got the HSE agreeing to transport us to the various hospitals, this was a major coup.  I am very relieved, absolutely relieved, unbelievably relieved.

but relief turned to farce as we discovered how this was all going to work.
it seemed as if it wasnt as simple as ordering a taxi that could take two wheelchairs, as we were going to the same places.
no not that simples.
we both asked at the beginning of the week or end of last for help.
one sister was sanctioned for assistence but the other wasnt.
in fact i didnt even get an answer.
the next we heard was, well i could go in the twins taxi but couldnt take my wheelchair with me. er?
so one could travel in ease and hey, put ann in the roof rack or maybe put her in a sort of transport carrier attachement at the back but defo not beside my sister.
the arguement wasnt helped when we heard that the HSE official didnt fully realise that no. 1 if i could actually walk or not or that the taxi couldnt take two wheelchairs, our taxis are only insured to take one.
the reason being i feel not so much the insurance policy but the fact the taxi man would really spend money on getting a second tie-down for a second wheelchair, which is very 'doable'
so when that problem was realised the answer was - two taxis.
two taxis for two women going out from the same estate with two wheelchairs, to the same destination and coming back to the same destination.
on one occassion we didnt need a wheelchair taxi.  that got both the taxi firm and the HSE mighty confused and a wheelchair taxi was booked and then unbooked.

the cost was enormous, i mean really enormous.
the total for three hospitals came to 544e for two women sick in ireland of today.
that is economic murder if ever there was, sure who could sustain such a fecking waste!
and it was a waste.
but then so too is monitering this all.
we had taxi men asking us did we have 'vouchers.'  No, we knew nothing of vouchers, we were told they couldnt take us home from the hospital without 'vouchers.'
"hey, we know nothing about vouchers, we were told to ring in and say when finished but know nothing about vouchers.
that caused massive stress on two sick ladies.
we then had
"be there, stuck in traffic."
"how many taxis are on the way"
"is there one coming for my twin"
"outside the hospital waiting for you" (taxi man)
"if you are how many taxis are coming cos were heard two were and we now had one outside, but is it one of them two?

we had taxi men singing that 'oh for the two lovely ladies my children will have steak for supper not sausages.'
I dont find that funny when the country is fucked.

Nor do i find it funny to sign a black money docket at destination and when i look up at the meter i see the cost and write it in the gap.
"dont put the money in the box" he says, "we havent finished yet"
we have mate we are at destination, i am about to sign as the taxi had stopped we very much had finished.
so signing a black docket is the same as signing a blank cheque.
and the paymaster is the HSE, no monitering done, and the taximan's children will have steak and the HSE no money.

we are wrecked.
i am wrecked
and astounded.
no wonder my country is fucked i say.

the first trip a taxi was ordered for two hours before the appointment, and the taxi arrived fiveteen minutes early at my twin's place.
she rings me and said he had arrived early.
"ask him when one is due for me, will you twin?"
she asked
he then comes to me at my door and remarks, "i wasnt supposed to be at your sister and told to pick up you"
he says,
"so what about my sister?" i ask.
"another taxi is coming for her, dont worry we will be on our way."
so we go.
at the hospital, i ring sister, "where are you"
she had not left her estate!
she flew in and felt life wasnt worth it as the taxi was going so fast and she feared for her life.
she said she was scared in the flipping van.

OK we there anyway and two eclairs down we have the physio as appointed.
now this was to be this wonderful assessment of need.
ok?
you got that now?
this was the 'big un'
like, this was what was really needed, neurophysiotherapy assessment of need for very sick women.
it went something like this for both of us.
"what can i do for you?"
"huh?"  i respond
"what are you here for?
"HUH!?"
she had no notes, no files, no information and she was very young.
we go through a basic assessment of strength, nothing special and all done before.
and i get wait for it, the famous print out.
three exercises to do.
lift the arms up over your head a couple of times.
lift your legs a couple of times.
no i dont know what the third one was as its long gone in that bin.
"it hasnt been proven that hands on therapy is of any benefit."
"oh," i say, "it hasnt?"
"no"
"thats interesting," i remark because to me its the only type that i have found of benefit, its hugely beneficial.
"are you really telling me that because we have no staff and too many sick people its convenient to make the statement that hands on physio is of no benefit or if you have money you get it and if you dont 'its not proven to be beneficial?
so you can say it anyway you want but it IS beneficial and it has proven to work in the past.
but now we are a broken country someone somewhere decides it isnt.
for poor anyway.
not for rugby players or tennis stars but for the poor it is not of benefit.

we go for a cup of tea in tears.
it was so so pointless to bring us over for that.
that cost a whacking 63e there EACH and 73e back EACH, do the sums on one trip, a professional wage for the physio, a cafe bun and tea and we have a few people employed, a taxi man eating steak and twins bereft for the days outing of waste, for both us and the HSE!

Next trip deserves a book in itself.
we get to go and get our HSE shoes, the ones i had so much hope for and waiting for really classy ones since 2009.
now by classy i mean ones that will not cause me to fall and snap shoulder muscles, rip toenails, fracture rib or fracture wrists and nor tear half the skin off the shin bone in another fall.
so for well over two years now no shoes even worn, but since yes, at least four pairs, all causing injuries.
so i was highly excited now i was at a 'centre of excellence'
well was i?
and who was listening to need and what actually was given and why?
Jez i took one look at them and announced inside my skull and brain, "holy moley'  look at them ann!"
i was sitting speechless.
words couldnt come 
"lovely colour" says the lady giving them to me.
i manage a sort of giggle and 'yes, lovely colour, yes.'
i put them on.
'how do they feel?'
'fine, fine"

this is the different 'room' a nice hot water bottle feeling and a slumber

i am gone to a different room space inside my head i am in unreal time, i am zoned out of this one now and forever more.
i thank her and i ask 'how much did that knock back the hse?
"about 900e" she remarks.
"oh, i see,right, lotta money then"
"yes."

there clearly are no further words to say

"right, see you, thanks"
i go and reach the twin looking expectantly at me.
i raise my eyes to heaven when i meet her eyes out on stalks.
i sit numbed and she is summoned.
i sit there feeling the clumpers at the end of my extremities.

the shoe on the left was paid for by insurance and is fantastic - i didnt know what was going to happen when the HSE ones came and feared the worst - i was right to do so.
the left weighs 11oz and is soft and gentle
the right is 14oz and is thick and feels like cement and painful.
i clearly was right to be wary and prepared the way for the outcome, i was so clearly right - no happy clappy feet after this encounter with HSE clumpers - yet again.

further words fail me

words don't work anymore faced by this

or this...

i am left speechless...forever more, i think

i am not a happy bunny with very unhappy feet.
my feet are encased, in concrete, they burning with heat and there is nothing i can do.
i am encased.
its all very distressing as i feel it all too badly and my neurosensitivity is getting the better of me.
they come off and i revert to the slippers, i doubt they will be worn again.
i sweat it there in inner pain not knowing what to think, do or what to say forever more on shoes for ann.
my twin comes out with a neat brace but she not too keen on the insole, which sticks up into the arch which is a cavity due to pes cavis.
we both go home, i am an unhappy woman.
the money side is mounting up.
next trip then was to be a sorting of an issue that is frightening the life out of me, another very long taxi journey and another consultant.
i am well prepared and have my homework done.
i get only general bloods.
there is a heated debate on what the hell general bloods would do for a metabolic issue.
he cannot explain and i do not believed he had heard me.
why did he bring me to the other side of dublin for general bloods and not a metabolic work up?
why could he not have had a conversation on the phone if that be the case and i get them in my gp surgery on monday and i have an appointment then.
sure jez metabolics is more sophisticated than general bloods.
so all the doctors in the uk suggesting my malaise to be possible pre-synope, dystaumonia, POTS or hypoglycemia has not been tested for, i wasnt in the UK for these, but they listened to the symptoms and asked for these conditions to be tested for.
you wont get that on general bloods.
i come home and count the damage of the week so far and what i want to do.
i want to escape a country going down so bad its taking its sick people to an early grave and if not then it will through suicide.
the cost in financial terms for hse this week for two women has been 1,384e  i have not counted in my twins special leg brace nor the consultant's fee, the phsyio fee nor the othotist's fee, so for all that money we didnt as patients come out with alot.
we spent a full week travelling to doctors, for nothing.
i mean nothing at all.
wasted. i am wasted and shattered.
money to burn so they have i say if they cant do it better than this.
thats my week in economic, physical, psychological and outcome terms.
these are not terms of engagement but disengagement from my country.
i hastily write to another consultant, two in fact and say 
"get me out of this country"
for a start it would be cheaper and i may get some place.
not this way i wont.
i suggest you now look at some pictures. they are all worth it to digest the enormity of this farce

living at the extreme end to THIS i guess is a feature of my human's life, but clearly it wont be equal to the calm of Ana And Maggie as they stay cool, calm and collected and rest while I am too tired and too tired 

i am too tired now to continue and bloody glad the week has nearly come to an end.
raging i decide i have to get a life outside sickness or something will defo 'give.'
or i shall commit a murder and end in jail.
i kid you not.

Haunted by trauma - feels like this...

Name it as abuse - all of it:

• name calling
• verbal abuse
• withdrawal of care
• denial of care
• poor appliances 
• broken bones
• interference
• denial
• psychological torture
• mental pain
• physical damage
• exhaustion
• breakdown

TRAUMA

how does Trauma feel?
is it different to all other events in life?

is it different to beoming ill?
to moving home?
to being physically attacked?

only really the last could be equal.

its a cause and effect, YOU are ATTACKED.

YOU are being bullied, hurt, denegrated, denied and made feel worthless.
you are very sick and doing two things ONLY.

you are trying to live the best way you can for the time that is left to you.
you are trying to get help to live the best way you can for the time that is left to you.

but nothing prepared me for Attack because of the benign wish for peace and care and some concern.
nothing prepared me for the lynch mob.
nothing.

Trauma never leaves.
especially if you already have known frontal lobe brain atrophy, possibly there since birth and the damage done from Congenital Rubella Syndrome.
for my personality per se has never changed, but the damage of my brain makes me more susceptable to changes in my life style, hurt and distress.
its the part of the brain that processes emotion and therefore reactions and aslo allows us process and filter distress and pain.
it has a purpose to allow a person live, so that distress can actually be processed and you can then move forward.
otherwise the world would be impossible to live in, for all people.

if you do not 'let go of bad times, and traumatic times.'  you are in deep shit to be honest.

so when a person has suffered deep enough trauma and has frontal lobe brain damage seen on a brain scan we know we are heading into very difficult and hard times.
- to basically repair and get through trauma and out the other side intact.

non possible my friends, non possible.

you do NOT recover from Trauma at the best of times, or the worst of times.
you process it and live on and all the time the trauma has caused a shift in your thinking.

for those of us who find it impossible to go beyond a word as 'incredulous' that is those of us who cannot process it, who have it there front faced trauma daily and nightly and it will not go away you are left facing a very big wall or tv screen with everything written on that board.
the marks are set and the tv now has no hand control. its stuck on Trauma.

If i could say to the HSE this, that the damage caused will NEVER leave me now, its a damning statement because they have caused this to happen.
Damage done to brain damaged individuals is a life time shift.
nothing can be done to undo the harm, it can be helped and lessened by making sure no further damage is done.
it can be helped by constant cushioning of hurt and pain and acknowledgement that what has happened was wrong.
many find it helps some to know the perpertrator has regrets.
unless the victims actually FEELS this, the regret can be voiced but may never be felt as genuine.

True mending means, its never up to a victim to redress a balance here.
its entirely up to the abuser.
in my case THE HSE.

they have the tools to do mostly what they want to make it better.
they have their own policies which state clearly how they personally will respond to abuse and also their mandate to care is clear.
most of their policies are guidelines to best practise not abuse and definitely not policy around hiding abuse and running from abuse.

in all policies factors of how to deal with vulnerable people and abuse are defined and very clear.
you report it, you sort it.

you do not bring in the heavies of legalese to defend it, which is mostly what the HSE have done to date.
you cannot defend the wrongs done over a full decade.
you have to pick your way through to make all the wrongs into a final right.

you have made and allowed a person to suffer such trauma that they have lost a valuable ten years of living well and peacefully and calmly.
when you take that away from anyone, its never going to come back to be relived.

what remains is deepened fall-out in brokeness, disbelief and suffering and a sense of 'why?'
and the 'Why did it happen,?" actually haunts a victim of the HSE.

and also 'how could it?'  because we were brought up with the idea that the medical and healthcare professionals were caring.
if the opposite is true, then how can you heal a terrible wrong to a perception by a sick person that in sickness she will be helped?
how can you actually mend a person who has discovered this ideal is far from reality and has lived a life of ten years in harrowing circumstances, unable to defend, to move forward, and to live in susteained horrors and pain and anquish?

to wake daily - still haunted by them is going to be hard to eradicated.
once i woke to the ideas of the studio and the paintings i was doing and a working plan for my day there and in my environment.
now its the wrangle of waking frettfully thinking of HSE, damage, fall out and all the individual s who inflicted harm.
i get it in flash backs every morning i wake.
all the people who haunt me so.
come to me then, what i have to do for the day to work with them to mend.
what i will do today will be filling out my medical details for more doctors and also returning a letter to the hse regarding my situation as mandated as we thrall through a mediation process to bring about change for a better way forward.

inching forward is snaking through the morass of hurt.
inching forward cannot be a congratulating experience because its proving traumatic in itself.
the genuiness of contritution is yet to be felt much within me.

Anyone can say they acknowlege harm has been done.
it takes an honourable organisation to be magnanimous in how they help a person heal from the trauma so inflicted on them by their own.
it has to happen swiftly and in a far better attitudinal stance of complete and utter turnaround.
that the victim is upheld in truth.
that the named trauma now named as such and acknowledged will indeed be rectified.

upon rectaficaton that trust is build on a solid ground and not further messed up as so many accounts of such gone before me accounts and details of promises extracted almost like a tooth extraction and then to be found that they are trying to put the rotten teeth back in by force.

this cannot happen two women lanquishing and waiting for the action to begin - where both can live as they always had needed to and yearned to and tried to.
stopping a person from living is a human rights violation.
pure and simple they had decided over and above others, and themselves what they did to us.

it was a decision.
when things go so wrong then you put it right.
this is what its all about at the end of the day.

changing hurt to happiness, but it has to be done in swift measures so that time lost is no more and decency prevails and seen to prevail.
heal the hurt.