berries and bury

well tis christmas, and we drawn to the red berries for the birds on prickly branches, berries for the turkey  of a sauce and berries as in cheery cheery drunken cheer of all that it means,  Christmas.

Christmas, a time to welcome the family. celebrating the joy of birth and rebirth, to offer  christian action, (even if it's this one family dinner) and then my friends retire:
back to the hangover
back to the far flung countries
back to work
and for a lot - back to turmoil, sickness, strife and loneliness and this final 'back' is actually not so 'back' but 'continue'.
The ban has been lifted and i am allowed be present at a family dinner!
Woa, until one time in the following year when i lose favour again and believe me i will..the ban will resume in many ways.

Right now i consider and look back at the year - the year i was deemed a criminal for shouting for help to get a puppy dog off the road, which resulted in the home help walking out and never returning.
Resulting too in the home help provider saying i was too dangerous to allow staff in my home.
Resulting in this Christmas i am left all alone to do my chores, light my fire, build my fire and carry coal buckets for a full two weeks.
the different home help provider has left me high and dry.
Because she is careless.
Another difference i have to face with the identical twin, all because i have asperger syndrome.
THAT IS ALL!
i have asperger, poor communications and i am discriminated against for this presentation. A presentation that gets worse when i am very distressed and tired.
Lets see what else i had to face over the past year -
the adaptation grant - a manager Occupational therapist in the wicklow area has decided in her wisdom i should have a wetroom, this being against my will and unnecessary and i seemingly have no say in this matter and she will not meet with me or speak to me.
The distress of this cause me to postpone the grant process until the very last minute.
A deep trench mark the boundaries of the extension and yet i still have this fight into the new year to retain the bath.
this is still leaving me stressed and worn out with sleepless nights and a christmas fraught.

to know too that the community primary care team run from me as i try to clear my name and because of this my the distress is too vocal.
Try to have my home the way i want it for all the other disabilities, the Disress is noted, i am far too vocal.
So not even the social worker will speak to me!
I am far too vocal and the manager of this area will rather speak to twin about me but not to me.

even thought this vocal distress is borne out of prejudice and injustice as i am treated far worse than twin.  No one ever gave me a chance in this county.
this county has done things to me that i never experienced in my last.
this county is Wicklow, the land of milk and honey, the 'garden of Ireland' many coming in the following year will take trips into the garden and admire all the beauty that is here in abundance.
What they wont see is the very provincialism that is rife within the irish psyche,supposedly  our educated people.
the ones leaving university with a degree in occupational therapy who say the reason why i need a wet room is because i have a neurodegenerative disorder and the reason why twin doesn't is because she has parkinsons!

 we have team care providers withdrawing staff from a sickie, who once had a history of BEING in the psych system but never having a psychiatric illness.  She suffered depression due to social isolation.  No higher form of professional was asked of my 'danger status' and so i am blacklisted forever, as no consultant who could assess me as being dangerous or not was proffered, in the absence of a fair trial, i am blacklisted.
when one is deaf and raises her voice in alarm, it is seen as 'danger' aaaaah, "get my home help worker out of that place!"
to be considered a tyrant is dreadful.
imagine waking daily to understand that the educated nurses, occupational therapist, and all consider you a danger, and you are avoided.
the woman who stayed close to her home and never went out.
the woman who never saw a person ever from day to day and now finally who wants to do this, having arrived in a new home, new country with my my first efforts in freedom has been stymied by this county that in no other words can describe as ' bog irish ignorant'
i have to deal with the emotions of fallout, resulting in further trauma.
i wake knowing that i am unloved by family, neglected by family, avoided by the care team and also having things done to my new home which are violently against my will.
also knowing that a neighbour four doors down has pulled her staff for no good reason.
in all this i am powerless to effect change.
there is nothing i can do if the professionals will not lift phones, meet me even with support, or discuss the way forward.
there is nothing i can do to clear my name or even get a basic care package in for me, which doesn't require a battle like this, being left for christmas without home help cover for a full two weeks, and when i try to ask my PA workers to fill the void, there is nothing i can do when they refuse to answer the phones, a situation that happens when they dont want to be free for work.
This is about as subservient as you can get.
This is about as poor as you can get.

there were times i wanted even yearned to go see the doctor for support, but he resides in a different county and i was too poorly to drive over.
this county found not one doctor agreeing to take me on.
a fact shocking beyond shocking. this not because of my personality presentation for they never even allowed me one consult, but on hearing all that is wrong with me, they wouldnt have me!
when ignored in life how can you have even a good life, how can this equate to quality in the 21st century when the world is awakening and knows such things as autism spectrum disorders, but such modern thinking has not hit  holy ireland.
Ireland with stigma and ignorance leaves ann, without the means to celebrate her first christmas here in her home as the build was delayed as we fought over the bath.
no wheelchair as the ramp has not been put down.
no home help because ann screamed trying to get the twin's dog off the road. Ann with a mobility difficulty and found it impossible to do this without help from home help who was inside.
a christmas knowing that the fight will resume in the new year but right now - i have no home help cover for christmas and the twin does, and i am just as sick.
i despair and am very very depressed.
there is no point in pretending it other.
i will not be able to enjoy christmas, with the weight i have on my psyche of being disliked and avoided in my new county.
where getting help is doubly as difficult as it is for my twin.
and i beg to differ, in saying it should not be so.
when you are sick.