Sunday, August 31, 2014

the trauma of circumstances

The trauma of consequence:

I never had a great eductation for I was DEAF without hearing aids.
I never had school friends for i had Asperger Syndrome and deaf.
I never had a third level education because we were poor and i had dyscalculia and no latin or maths.
I never had a boyfriend but was raped in a psychiatric hospital in the bushes.
I was raped there again, a few times.
I tried to make a life in London but ended there in a psychiatric hospital, through the trauma of feeling so isolated and out of  my league.  A Chinese nurse male, got into my bed.

I never even saved my religion for i was so troubled i went to a priest who sexually abused me again.

I never had a meal out with friends – i had none.
I never went on a holiday outside of ireland until this year.
I never had someone say to me ‘I love you.”
I never had a birthday party bar my 7th
As a family we never went on holidays.
I did not know how traffic ligths worked at 15yrs of age.
I was afraid of people.
My family was rejected me long ago
My parents did not get on.
I never had a wedding day
I never had a birth of a child.
Their birthday parties
The mothers.
The joy
The milestones
The grand children
I see none of my family
I receive no phone calls
I receive no cards.
I receive no visits.

I ended in psychiatry as a lonely, abused deafened young adult.
I was in social housing where there was never any trouble.
I loved my neighbours.
We helped each other.
I did some older people’s shopping.
Brought laundry to the launderette.
Brought very ill people to hospital.
Saved a man from suicide.
Got in magic maids to clean up another unit when the lady was herself in hospital.
I worked with the elderly.
I worked with the physcially disabled in day centres.
I worked with children.
I worked with Irish therapy dogs.
The first time i came to the attention of the hse and housing and screamed was when i was thrown out of where i loved
Under pressure, under HSE advice.
The first time i screamed was for help to get me out of bandit country
No one helped me.
No advocate there for me.
No social worker who at the end said ‘this is a housing issue not a health issue’ and i was cast to the sea.
No OT ever there to advise when offered.
The time i screamed again at abuse by the doctors who dismissed me over and over.
The times i screamed at the hse for calling me names.
For interferring in my home during the adaptation grant.
The times i screamed in the pain of the injustice and inequality.
The denegration of my psyche and personality by large organisations, i did scream.
I screamed over rights that i knew were mine.

When another hates me for all of this and yet never helped this can only be another injustice.

To go fifty plus years in such solitude, fear and loneliness and now expect this last phase to be so torrid with so many people in my life who are against me rather than see the life i have is grinding me to an early grave.

To demolish anther daily is wrong.
To constantly deny their duty of care is evil and against my human rights.
I shall scream against injustice over and over i shall scream that i have been agrieved when i wanted the quiet life you are failing to allow me have it.
The battle to fight you is wrong.

All the while a major organisation is garnishing together such information to hold against me in my time of vast need.

She shouts and screams and so many people know so.
But do these same know ME?
Do they know my life times and past and what i actually have done that very positive?
Where have they placed on file anything positive about me?
I have not seen it.

The stress of it all not allowing me to feel joy, the pleasure of achievement.
The pleasure of relaxing well in a beautiful garden rather than being weighed under by the weight of a mafia style system of health care which has absolutely nothing to do with health at all.

This is what has happened me.
I have been slayed and demolished by the guns of power.
I was but one individual never anything other than kind and nice and remain so, but then i became ill.
Then i was put in danger
And after that my life is gone, its not my own and others try to shape me into who i never was because they abused power, they didnt care and they can, it seems do this.

Nothing legal about many things they do.
For this i shall scream.
For justice.

I got my voice with confidence.
I remain asperger with communication.
But i also hold high principles and ethics.
I hold true that one should never hurt another and that i do know what is right and certainly know the difference to what is wrong, what is wrong and illegal and what is wrong and cruel and evil.

To blur the boundaries in any other way is trying to find the justification for all that has happened me.
I know, fully
I can say.
YOU wronged me.
I am who i am and proud of it.

No comments: