Ireland and two tier health system - the reality

i think i can safely say i am in the real world.
i think i can safely say i now understand the health system in Ireland but actually after shocks are occurring all the time, since the first shock and i am sure i am built now on a fault line.

this means the shocks and the fault plates will move more and more i will be constantly buffeted about.

i hope i have used the right terminology but i ought to get down to the nitty gritty.
The Irish health system.
many a commentator has said 'its dysfunctional'
many have also said 'its not fit for purpose.'

how many can say it from the other side of the lens, PEOPLE are suffering in this health system.
that is not what a health care provider is actually supposed to do!
increase the suffering!

well the Irish one does.

two tiers means that those with money have not a cotton picking idea of what i talk about, suffering related to a heath system from hell.
simply because they pay for it.

If i had the money i would too.
but i do not.

with money many thing could have come to me in a far better way and speedily.
many doctors would have treated me better and treated me rather than leave me to die.

money the evil.
well it is, because when you base a system on money we know full well what happens.

if i had the money i could have by now received the following:

Access to the consultants who could tell me more about my rare disease rather than waiting apprehensively first for the granting of funding to have me travel abroad courtesy of the Irish state.
access to the consultants who would speak to me on the phone if i was in  trouble.
they do this regularly if you pay for their services, if you do not, then you have to wait for the once in six months visit, and even that can go very pear shaped 'its getting very late.'  as a doctor once say at the end of HIS very busy day.

if i had money NO HSE official would DEMAND what i do with my own private home, they wouldn't dare and they wouldn't be on the scheme in the first place to demand this.

again, if i had the money i would be able to fund a bath chair for my bath.
and a proper wheelchair.

i could pick up the phone and ring a certain company and say deliver that wheelchair tomorrow will you, and they could and they would/
but being 'public' i am still waiting three and a half years.
i wait over six years for a pair of shoes, and even then we have the orthopedic guy and the physio arguing over who will measure my short leg.

if i had the money i could have all manner of people measure this blasted shorter leg.

in three and a half years i have five pages of HSE personal names, just the names written in a list, who have been involved in my health care.
these are people starting with An Taoiseach, the Department of Health, the Head of primary care and the Heads of all the divisions of health, the heads of all the various disability groups, the charity organisations dealing with my disabilities, the assessors of people with disabilities, and doctors, nurses and many personal assistants of managers of health care services.
now all these would mean only a foreign language if i had money.
you ring up the company 'could you deliver that wheelchair today or tomorrow' and it would and it could.
but not if you are in the public health centre.

when you are in THAT, personality counts.
if you are hated you are fucked.
if you are liked things will go better for you.

i am hated so i am fucked.
so far i have been denied - sofa risers, a bath chair, a wheelchair and a proper wheelchair assessment and i have been battling for a good three years now from an organisation from hell.

but if i had money these small short phone calls i would make to the person i badly needed a service from, would be pleasant and courteous.

mine turn out to be rude, suggestive, denigrating and denial.
three and a half years of it.

i am sick of it all.
its hard to beat it for a health service when i can be driven to despair by the one i have, from hell.
why do people not say anything.
well we don't and that's it.
there is value of moving on, but i have to agree firstly, Irish people accept all this.
and i doubt all are in the public health system or private.
we accept this shoddy, despicable way of dealing with sick clients.
I do believe as the fault plates shift from under me and make me violently sick, that its known our health system for what it is.
cruel, a chaotic mayhem of man eats dog and dog eats rat.
its known that its got to the point that sick bowls are not allowed be ordered for the primary care centre.
its known their photocopier has broken down.
its also known that its so awful to even work in the system that people are leaving in droves.

i want it stated, if its known, then why do we put up with it?
why are people not protesting?
why do we accept all this?
is it because the stronger are bought to stay quiet about it and the least able suffer on because there are few choices, none in fact.

i hope i can make a difference to those who cannot speak up, when i say to the HSE, i am not having a good time and that is putting it mildly.
i wake shaking (fault plates) and thinking of the hse and i go to bed nightly thinking of the hse and the shock waves come at me even then.
the hse is an organisation so out of control it hardly now can be considered 'good for your health'
it isn't.
its bad.
its very bad.

is a pet dog an 'assistive' or a therapy dog/what makes a dog special.

i am writing this after a chance meeting with a volunteer out walking with a 'puppy' in training to be eventually allocated to a sick/disabled/autistic/blind individual as a healing and helpful companion (or deaf).

there are various categories to be considered:

Guide dog for the Blind:  needing very specific training for its job.
Assistive Dog for the Disabled person:  also needing highly sophisticated training
therapy dog:  for the family of a child/adult who is on the autistic spectrum:  how special is that dogs training?
Dog for balance:  How special is its training.
Dog for the deaf:  very essential.

i asked these questions because of the categories above and some research online regarding the training for all the above jobs.

times are hard economically and especially so in Ireland where cut backs have been horrendous across the board for all with disability and sickness.
its also very hard as well for the older adult and the person to get the help they too need regarding declining health, acquired disabilities and other.
ALL have to be considered as suitable candidates for the dog that can bring about care, independence, support and love and bring too a quality of life which otherwise would be non-existent.

I believe now the 'list is closed' for all sick, disabled and balance dogs for all, due to cost.

the cost of training up a dog for the above named categories is circa 47,000e in Ireland.

The dog itself evidently has to be highly bred and as such can bring about a significant amount of health problems for this dog as all highly bred dogs do seem to have.
they also have a shorter life span than most, i believe, especially compared to cross breeds.  A cross bred dog is also a healthier dog, this is known.

the dog in training is cared for by volunteers in the main and then gets the 'boot camp' before its designated a partner in life.
the dog receives only the best food available as opposed to our dogs who get pretty much whats in the supermarket.
i never knew also that these dogs are not insurable as they always have a problem in health therefore no insurance company will take them on as they are high risk.  Is this so?

immediately we have a whopping big scoop of money that is needed.
if we had a cross bred we may be onto a winner regarding these costs.
i know some other countries are using cross breeds and less delicate dogs.

next comes the categories of need.

The Blind and the Disabled individual needs a dog to do very very skilled and specific tasks.
the balance dog and the dog for the children and adults on the autistic spectrum less sophisticated training and routines.

in fact in other countries, these two latter categories are in fact a Family Pet, and a trained pet dog with the adults being more trained with a new family pet dog for these specifics rather than a dog trainer for far too skilled a job which would be more time consuming and delicate.

why cannot then we have various groups.
to alleviate the costs for training and divide both the type of dog and the type of dog into Highly specific to Less specific.

why can we not have a Pet Centre for training up a Balance dog and the whole family input and also the Dog for the Autistic spectrum children and adults.
these two actually are for FAMILY rather than individual.
they are a manageable category.

when i am out and about i see the dog for the autistic spectrum child along with the family.
in almost all cases the adults are in charge of that dog.
i also question the reality of having a child very noticeably labelled straight away as autistic by virtue of a very noticeable dog with the group or with the actual child.  they have enough problems integrating in an increasing stigmatizing society and culture.

I am on the autistic spectrum having Asperger Syndrome.
Long before i was known to have this condition i had spent years in the mental health system which fortunately i am  long out of and with an apology of ever being there!
that aside, i always loved the dog and i am now on two little chihauhaus with tiny legs because i cannot walk far anyway.
it seemingly in my notes, my health notes that i have a pet dog as therapy!
 I do not!
i have a dog that is a pet and thats what my dog is, like everyone else who owns a dog i got it or them for this reason, they are pets to me.
Pets bring about their therapy for all naturally and not medically not only those labelled and its very worrying that indeed once its known someone is a sickie or disabled then their dog is a therapy dog and no longer the Pet!

we are categorizing too quickly and speedily. work and past times once just work and past times for healthy indivduals are now designated  therapy for a sick or disabled person.

Horticulture training for the sick and disabled becomes horticulture therapy.
ditto Horse riding as therapy.
 horse riding has always been a therapy as is gardening and digging the soil. For anyone!
dogs too are therapy for all.
Just because you have the lurgy or are a crip doesn't make any of these a specific therapy for a disabled it means these are the known forms of past times and careers that bring this about automatically because they are noted to help a person holistically.

but i digress on my pet passion, stigma and labeling.
.................back to the dogs.
we have a closed list for all now regarding dogs for the disabled and deaf and and blind yes, ah ha, i am profoundly/severely deafened, profound in one ear and deaf in the other.
i could have a Dog for the Deaf as well!

if we break up the labour intensive dog training and the less labour intensive dog training and leave some for volunteers and family and some dogs a good old pet and cross breeds we could and would lessen costs and re-open the list again.

as it stands, very very very few adults of any kind are receiving an assistive dog in this regime we have at present.
with society cracking up and breaking down and all flying off on all directions leaving the individual who is less able and at home high and dry without a paddle, i think its sad that the older and least able doesn't have the doggie.
they need it.
and finally this group need - a dog for the deaf, a dog for disability, a dog for communication (yes, do you won a dog and see how quickly communication can come about) and a dog for assistance, to be a pet and to love unconditionally.  when there is not a damn person around who actually cares enough anymore to be that extra help in health care needs.
  (i suggest myself as being in this category and rang to put my name down on the list years ago, and all i was told there were so many adults waiting i would be dead before i ever received one, so i am passionate that there has to be another way forward)
we have what seems a system where 'charity and cause of the day, flavour of the month' receives the DOG!

the trauma of circumstances

The trauma of consequence:

I never had a great eductation for I was DEAF without hearing aids.

I never had school friends for i had Asperger Syndrome and deaf.

I never had a third level education because we were poor and i had dyscalculia and no latin or maths.

I never had a boyfriend but was raped in a psychiatric hospital in the bushes.

I was raped there again, a few times.

I tried to make a life in London but ended there in a psychiatric hospital, through the trauma of feeling so isolated and out of  my league.  A Chinese nurse male, got into my bed.

I never even saved my religion for i was so troubled i went to a priest who sexually abused me again.

I never had a meal out with friends – i had none.

I never went on a holiday outside of ireland until this year.

I never had someone say to me ‘I love you.”

I never had a birthday party bar my 7th

As a family we never went on holidays.

I did not know how traffic ligths worked at 15yrs of age.

I was afraid of people.

My family was rejected me long ago

My parents did not get on.

I never had a wedding day

I never had a birth of a child.

Their birthday parties

The mothers.

The joy

The milestones

The grand children

I see none of my family

I receive no phone calls

I receive no cards.

I receive no visits.

I ended in psychiatry as a lonely, abused deafened young adult.

I was in social housing where there was never any trouble.

I loved my neighbours.

We helped each other.

I did some older people’s shopping.

Brought laundry to the launderette.

Brought very ill people to hospital.

Saved a man from suicide.

Got in magic maids to clean up another unit when the lady was herself in hospital.

I worked with the elderly.

I worked with the physcially disabled in day centres.

I worked with children.

I worked with Irish therapy dogs.

The first time i came to the attention of the hse and housing and screamed was when i was thrown out of where i loved

Under pressure, under HSE advice.

The first time i screamed was for help to get me out of bandit country

No one helped me.

No advocate there for me.

No social worker who at the end said ‘this is a housing issue not a health issue’ and i was cast to the sea.

No OT ever there to advise when offered.

The time i screamed again at abuse by the doctors who dismissed me over and over.

The times i screamed at the hse for calling me names.

For interferring in my home during the adaptation grant.

The times i screamed in the pain of the injustice and inequality.

The denegration of my psyche and personality by large organisations, i did scream.

I screamed over rights that i knew were mine.

When another hates me for all of this and yet never helped this can only be another injustice.

To go fifty plus years in such solitude, fear and loneliness and now expect this last phase to be so torrid with so many people in my life who are against me rather than see the life i have is grinding me to an early grave.

To demolish anther daily is wrong.

To constantly deny their duty of care is evil and against my human rights.

I shall scream against injustice over and over i shall scream that i have been agrieved when i wanted the quiet life you are failing to allow me have it.

The battle to fight you is wrong.

All the while a major organisation is garnishing together such information to hold against me in my time of vast need.

She shouts and screams and so many people know so.

But do these same know ME?

Do they know my life times and past and what i actually have done that very positive?

Where have they placed on file anything positive about me?

I have not seen it.

Anywhere.

The stress of it all not allowing me to feel joy, the pleasure of achievement.

The pleasure of relaxing well in a beautiful garden rather than being weighed under by the weight of a mafia style system of health care which has absolutely nothing to do with health at all.

This is what has happened me.

I have been slayed and demolished by the guns of power.

I was but one individual never anything other than kind and nice and remain so, but then i became ill.

Then i was put in danger

And after that my life is gone, its not my own and others try to shape me into who i never was because they abused power, they didnt care and they can, it seems do this.

Nothing legal about many things they do.

For this i shall scream.

For justice.

I got my voice with confidence.

I remain asperger with communication.

But i also hold high principles and ethics.

I hold true that one should never hurt another and that i do know what is right and certainly know the difference to what is wrong, what is wrong and illegal and what is wrong and cruel and evil.

To blur the boundaries in any other way is trying to find the justification for all that has happened me.

I know, fully

I can say.

YOU wronged me.

I am who i am and proud of it.

the hurt, betrayal of HSE abuse will not go away with 'do not be upset!'

to-day i had an Occupational therapist come to my home with a lumpy wheelchair cushion.
i can imagine how horrible it will feel considering the lump is directly under an impossible hip already, one that is agony to put down on any cushion, let alone a ridged lumpy padding which looks as if its just stuffed in and no rough edges ironed out.
i shall investigate this further, i think there appears to be a zip.
she found me today bawling, not an unusual occurrence these days.
'don't be upset' she announces.

the fact is I am and i will be.
no words of such platitudes can calm the hurt i feel about the HSE.
these people are out on their own.

but i know little of the organisation but right now it feels like a cross between Hitler and the mafia.

it also shows a huge degree of disconnect that reality of situations seem not to impact that much on the professionals because if they did there is one thing they would never do and that is HURT the client.
this is standard for human rights, but also for a feeling caring service.

you do not name call, blame, invade and do so without question, query or understanding.

this is called the Stazi regime.
nothing short of it.

there are i know layer upon layer within the HSe, but i also know that policy and procedures as policy and procedures go are loose and also devoid of reality and can be interpreted the way the professionals wish.
nothing resembles a policy and procedure.
when they carry out a policy and name the policy,  further investigation will mean that the policy either doesn't exist in real terms, or doesn't relate to the issue, eg 'can i see the policy on this one' well they show you one but for the like of me i have not found the relevant article to the relevent issue.
they just claim, here is the policy.

there is a really good one too.  'vexatious complaints' procedure.
there isn't one.
there is one on paper, there is a policy that tells you how you go about this.
but of course it also means that if four get into a room to discuss they can write at the end of it, this clause as referring to the client, but then it doesn't mean this at all, it can mean there isn't any policy to equate to the dilemma in question and this is the nearest to it.

but the 'vexatious complaints' procedure again is loosely interpreted and what may be vexatious to one may be something entirely different to another, but the quarum usually manages to agree somewhere along the line and write it down as agreed and still get it very wrong.

i am waiting for another complaint to be investigated but as this is 'in house' you can be sure that in the space of a month a huddle will take place along with some legalese and we will have the answer cobbled so that all are exonerated for infringing third party violations and again misrepresenting the fact.

the fact that the law of 'do not get found out' actually has been broken means that they have to find a way to work on how the transgression was made and make a damn good case as to why  it was correct in doing so.
to me, all that will happen is no slap on the wrist but an answer that is so far from the truth it will be convoluted, dish washered out and all will say 'well done lads, that's another one canned and we can get on with life unscathed.'

not to me they wont for my trust has been busted with that lot.
they get a lot of funding does that charity and i have to say here, we have another problem with charities but then again, wait until you are 'found out' in order to work out how you are going to face that problem.  in the meantime, don't get found out and carry on lads, as always.
twist just about everything out of proportion to cover over the cracks so that blame is apportioned elsewhere.
in the process slip it to another organisation so that they too will feel your anger and your bad hair day and so you go home after slapping the computer shut with an eased conscience, only you got found out, two years hence so now there is a 30day stay of execution so that the in house investigation meets the aggressor and decide how they are going to get out of this little hole.

they will too cos in Ireland this is the way all these policies and procedures work.
they don't work.
it just depends who is at the helm and those at the helm are not nice people.
they are many charities and the HSE.

the HSE officials can come to my house and say 'do not be upset' but I am.
the case in point that this bringer of the bad news over two and a half years couldn't find it in herself to stand up to her boss and say 'this isn't right you know, you cannot demand such a thing.'
no the boss like a fierce nun in any riddled frustrated organisation will have her way because i believe if they didn't the poor little shites on the ground, the little OT i had today would pay hell or dearly.

i have even heard it say that if you go against the mafia you can be got rid of.
how, well they can cite for instance that they are not fit to practise and just shove em.

something like this happened in the psychiatric system.
a wonderful free thinker and psychiatrist was going to expose an organisation for zapping far too many times a person with ECT leaving her practially unable to do much with memory lose and more.
what happens, he is hauled over the coals and has to face the GMC fitness to practise and that lobby is so powerful he possibly would have been struck off.
what happened, he got cancer and popped his clogs instead, someone is mighty relieved.
same individual also managed to get my supporter in a court case to turn to her side and instead of being a witness against the prosecution became the executioner for the person who was angry that i managed to find a clause in law whereby some of my files could be eradicated.
she wasn't having any of it at all.
nope.
and a judge doesn't know the difference between a lunatic and a lonely individual so get the barrister to say this isn't about just any health issue its about serious mental health.
like hell, there is was (the serious mental health issue) in the wheelchair, already seeing this woman months before and getting an apology for ever being in the psychiatric system, but of course in the law courts, i couldn't stand up and say 'hey wait a minute chuck, you are looking at her, that serious mental health issue.'
she is a wheelchair user and never had a diagnosis of any mental health issue!
but what can i do when my barrister had had his say and it was up to the other side to prove it or swing it.
it was rightly swung.
so this is Irish law my friends.
it stinks.
which ever way you look at the laws of the land, you do not win a case against grievance.
you do not.
simply because those that are with you can be persuaded to be against you by 'the organisation.'
this happens all the time.
and the organisation will huddle to wrangle out of trouble.
a fact too, complaints are not ledgered in.
some are and some are not.

so the amount of complaints across the board look less than in reality.
and then many cannot make a complaint because they feel there is no point, my argument as above stands, they feel about as hopeless as i do at times to find justice in Ireland.

and who is Ireland may i ask?
because this is a very serious question.
we are tiny and we are not independent.
we are a country run by those who cannot find a job in anything else but politics.
and when you have a person slime to Europe on just about everything, then you do not have a country, for i believe we have been squarely annexed to Germany.

and if the gov thinks i believe anything else they can believe it.
we have a bunch of crooks, everywhere, they are even in my back yard, at my door and in my face.
they are everywhere.
they can say what they want, do what they wish and call you what they like.
one thing they will not do....is communicate one simple fact...'i am sorry about what we have done to you.'
they couldn't do that because they haven't spine enough to do it.
they band together like a bunch of schoolyard bullies.
they go for the jugular, put their phones on speaker and snicker and giggle.
that's our health system i am talking about.
they do more than health issues, mental or otherwise.
they break the law.
and they are allowed to do it.

Hse case of Ann Kennedy violates her human rights as an Irish citizen

I am upgrading my position on my cruel treatment by the hse community care team to that of a human rights issue and label it a scandal and a crime.
To treat a sick person in such a vile and insensitive manner is wrong. To do so in the name of health care management and as person centered is evil and 'sick.'
I face the Taoiseach of the day and the new minister of health with this accusation and the Taoiseach has told me through his office civil servants that he is observing all of this as it unfolds.
I inform our prime minister of the truth.
I inform him of my pain.
I also inform him yesterday by email that I cannot take much more of the abuse.
I have let him be aware that my physical health is now compromise

By what I label as 'institutional abuse" by a paid public sector organization paid to care for the sick and disabled, namely the HSE, health service executive.
Twins with a rare disease should now come under the new 'rare disease protocol' launched by our previous minister for health, dr. James reilly.
As senior citizens, as Irish sick and also disabled to stand idly by and watch and listen to our pain, abuse and struggles with the HSE is a state government neglect lay its people.
 None voted this present government in with the clause "now elected ministers go forth and trash the shite out of our least able" we sent you out to effect good and significant change. Not out to obliterate all vulnerable Irish citizens by leaving them to an unregulated system called here in Ireland "THE HSE"
No mater how you see it myself and my sick, elder and disabled twin gamble on the tax payers Monet and left this small nation penniless.
Clean up the cunning dishonesty  in all organizations in Ireland and sophisticated to the letter by our mainly ignorant hse.

awnyah todaysay: waiting for that joyous time...waiting...waiting.....

awnyah todaysay: waiting for that joyous time...waiting...waiting.....: hello everyone, i feel tired and over burdened with life. Time now throughout the world seems pressured against the lowliest, the vulnera...

waiting for that joyous time...waiting...waiting..

hello everyone,
i feel tired and over burdened with life.

Time now throughout the world seems pressured against the lowliest, the vulnerable and disabled.

time now throughout the world are dreadful wars, beheading, rape and carnage - we just never learn and seem not able to.

time now throughout the world we are actually destroying what we have to live on, eat, breathe and water we drink.

and personally i am tired.
Yes, i know i am elderly now.
there should be this time for the relaxation of cares, the pleasures of reward, for the effort i put into the existence i had.
i taught children, i taught disabled in day centres, i empowered the elderly in the nursing homes and i also brought creative practise to all these groups and more.
I did voluntary work since the age of 18yrs with the elderly, taking them out and going to visit them in some of the worst conditions i have ever seen a human being be expected to end their days.
row upon row of the elderly, a small bedside locker and that holy picture, bottle of holy water and the rosary beads.  In a dark and dank backwater of a backward Irish old hospital they lay waiting, waiting and waiting to die.
we took them out once or twice a year otherwise they never got out.
they lay there, waiting.  and no one cared for them ever.

i showed my talent too and richly rewarded in that small way for a small artist in a tiny country.

i used skills which were honed at a time Ireland was broke and unable to provide me with much.

nonetheless i used the skills i had and i effected change in some peoples lives.

i feel tired now.
i feel i am waiting that wait to die like my poor little ladies i went to see and chat to, trying to cheer them up when their family had abandoned them.
i too have been abandoned, by my family.
they rarely care and i feel the gestures towards me are all but tokenism and a visit a curiosity to see what is happening.
i am quickly forgotten and not much helped.
they move on and i wait around.

my company is the HSE, that dreaded form of the backward hospital in the backward ward.
the dreaded brutal HSE who has taken away the last decade of my life.
meeting the chief disability officer shortly i will have no compunction in telling her this.
ten years, neglect, bullying, torture at the hands of the HSE.

An Taoiseach now is aware of myself and my twin as we struggle in the time of austerity - THEY have put us in this situation.
its not being helped.
if i ring the office of An Taoiseach i hear 'i understand,'  'i understand.'
a retort to the civil servant who isn't unkind but still he sitting there being told to dish out a platitude or something, 'DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"
you feel like breaking his head in two.

its hard to find another to understand but yes, some do and some know the fight i have had and have stayed with me and gone my journey.
there is one who betrayed my trust and confidentiality last week, and i will never forgive her and have told her so.

we have a professional service that is anything but that.
they couldn't, if they tried be professional.
i talk of the university graduates of Occupational Therapists, Physiotherapists, and Psychologists.

"she doesn't have Asperger"  Ann walks and wonders will she find the peace she knows she deserves, she walks with a tiny thing, her loyal friend, ana

"She doesn't have Asperger" snorted the double barrelled psychologist who has met me once!  for half an hour or less and that only to get some services during a team meeting.
wait til i show the disability manager a thing or two.
the denial of who i am by all and sundry.
the utter denial of the struggle of sickness and disability.
let it not go unsaid that my faith too has been sorely tested with the medical consultants both in Ireland and the UK.
they too get a fat wage but don't communicate with their patients and things just go on and if they happen they happen but god help the hapless patient who is ....waiting and waiting...

i loll around waiting and during my waiting i dream of the time that i find joy again in living, for the last blast and not be that trapped individual in the claws of the HSE who deny me even freedom of movement as i haven't even got a wheelchair, so i lie in my home and google all manner of things.

the day i decided to accept that awful social housing unit amongst alcoholics and children who shoot at you.  i was so ill i couldn't even eat the meal the person who gave it to me afterwards and who took this image at the bottom of his garden.  i was losing weight from sickness and no one really cared that much.

moving home to where i belong, to savour my town and land away from this god forsaken village of bitchy people and a group that is so self satisfied that newcomers are gone through with a knife.
If you talk about disability, they slit you in half.
if you organise an art class, they crucify you on the facebook forums.
you cannot win in this hell little shit town.
you are not one of theirs, but maybe that's a good thing.
maybe i should not be.

my lovely twin during her cancer treatment at St. Luke's, a time she found people who really did care, a time she found some joy because she had that connection.  i love her.  lets hope we can work it all out to be together and support each other through thick and thin.

i await the small home with my twin sister if she can bear me or we can work through our differences.
the comfort of my twin for she can give that.

then too when all is too much i will go to the shed at the end of the garden and pretend there is nothing between me and the stars and the silence.
that feeling of a fairy under a mushroom and forget.
noise, people, people and more bloody people.
the destroyers of a persons psyche and mind.
the destroyers of the least able but actually the strongest for you have to be that to do this, go through this and come out the other side.

i will not let greystones, Ireland, the HSE nor the consultants break me.
i shall find a time of joy and i know i will die trying for it.
if not found let it be known that no one could say i never tried, or was lazy in the effort to find that peace.
god be with me then for i shall go and lets hope i go well and not so frightened of it all.

People in my life have a lot to answer for.
sexual abuse by a catholic priest.
severe /profound deafness not detected or helped through school.
mental health system from hell until i saw sense.
hospitals where consultants abuse power and are just awful.
but they wouldn't be if my bank account was strong.
no, for i saw the whiskey bottles walking from their clinics touching Christmas.

i say to people.
can you be nice?
if so will you do it now?
can you help?
if you do will you help now?
can you be half decent to me?
if so can you start and never stop being decent?

or is that too much to ask of a human in my life.
i think it could be.
so be it humans.

this is the fight, the big fight, the day that Cllr. Pat Kavanagh who stabs my twin managed to slip a letter to An Taoiseach, we were banned from the complex, she was let in.  I pray her stealth will be our wealth.  the Cuts kill us so.