Monday, December 13, 2010

sitting down for tea on the lawn and the birds chirping, in what country and when?

I always ask the DIFFICULT questions to myself?
when you think of the tablecloth and the art deco period, the quirky  clarice cliff china and the settings of swinging legs and pointy shoes, dandy men, and giggling, pouring the pointy teapot spout at an english woman in floral dress, cup with the trangle handle, and all is well with the world.

you have already guessed this is not my world, never was and never will be.
supping tea with dandy men will never be for sure, let alone supping tea with anyone either.

when though, the day sitting and supping, hearing the birds chirping and listening to the grass grow, will come?
how long is a life when one would expect the last ten to be it?
for life left me far behind and now i have a short window to achieve what i wanted, a very deep peace in my heart, not a dread of death, nor sorrow of leaving when i wasted it, unknowingly.
did not understand it, unknowingly.  Did not how to change that dileman and was looking as if walking backward instead of forward for over forty years or more.
I want to create a home for peace, where i will be enveloped in peace, nature, nice neighbours, a visit from twin and saffi often.  and also family, often, but that may not be so now.
i want to talk of current affairs, animals, birds, green issues, long after the party is over.
I want to laugh, and see the great neices and neps run along my path in the back and around the grass, maybe chasing butterflies in my garden.
Why do i wonder at such posibilities.
I have my brain back - we have been given a window out, where the learning and decerning awnyah knows she now can at least see the world and want to experiment the experience of joy.
she never had a blade of grass she could call her own or of her own planting.
never had a home nor the people who would make a home.
lets try make the home and see if eventually the people will arrive.
i will have to generate this and not imagine this.
the is the last grand experiment open to awnyah and also the chance to sit at the ubiquous table by the window looking out over grass and green and pen them words, down. but again we have to try in the alternatives.
writing gone and memory not hot, we have to generate the mixing of my presence in creative media and trow all in the tea pot, the clarice cliff one with the long spout and funny handle.
when children are what many treasure to leave on the earth and give its their custody.
i want to explain how difference has meant that many need the custody of others HEARTs, or be given over to the custody of others hearts.

I await laying the table for the dainty teapart of life, spread out on my table cloth with laughter and joy.
and Pooh bear feels he knows his home!

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