Wednesday, December 15, 2010

When Love is a Bundle yet the Heart is empty

I feel it is like a boxing ring.
Have I lost a few rounds and won one or two, or which way is it anymore.

How tired can you get in the search for acceptance and love and support.

Yes, Peanuts, ah Peanuts is going to send me nutty and i am sorely smitten!
Peanuts will come with me as the soul who actually does need a soul.
How much love i can give him, and his new sisters.
How i shall try to integrate them into a unit and have a happy clan.
I put all to bed last night, bundled, but the bundle would keep me awake.
Is my bundle alright?
Well obviously not.
Ana was perched on the back of the sofa looking straight at me as i peeked in on turning on the lights.
Maggie had her back to me, sitting bolt upright and looking at me indignantly as she turned that fluffy, big eyed, head.
Peanuts, Peanuts found a smotherer, that is he was smothered in the soft downy throw.
but there he was with his fawn head, peering at me.
"So?" i ask, "what is it?"
they could not answer, none could speak.
"MAMA! what have YOU DONE?"
I left them, all kinda lost on a patch of the sitting room, none quite sure where to put herself.
Peanuts already knew!
about an hour later i couldnt settle, all three came to bed.
Peanuts settled under my chin, Ana behind my back with my hot water bottle (I have done me back in) Maggie nestled around my belly area.
could i sleep like that, certainly not.
All banished back to the mystery of the sitting room.
I placed wee Pee with Maggie Mai the younger,
Ana refused absolutely refused to cuddle up to maggie as always.
But Ana was always a crayon of a different colour.
shes an obstinate, needy, foodie chi.
Ana doesn't know how to be 'dog.'
Does that actually equate to her Mistress, Ann?
Does Ann know how to be a human?
The human went to bed then, but could not sleep.
it was not only sleep depravation that kept her quiet and restless, it was deep exhaustion and depression.
Yes, wee pee will help me enormously forget the load of the last two or more years.
But how much can Ann forget the losses in this time?
Can she come to terms with being alone in the world?
For she very much is that.
Oh she has Ana and Maggie Mai and Pee Peanuts, but Ann cannot live by chis alone!
what human touch will reach out to Ann, to touch the flesh of say her hands and fingers, squeeze em and say, 'dont fear Ann, i shall take your hand every inch of the way/'
I doubt i can believe a soul alive will or could do that.
How could it have gotten this bad, i ask.
And what was its genesis.
Was it entirely a LOUD mouth?
I think maybe it was.
Something inside of me cannot do anything but pretty plain.
Especially in expression, hurt and the languages she has.
Has the deafness pared down her opportunity to use various communication nuaunces?
Has the deafness separated her from the so called 'normal society' and where in normal discourse, learning takes place.
When i think of Pee Peanuts, i know that he will have to be gently nurtured into the fold of two female chihuahuas, who had my all attention.
In order that Pee Peanuts gets integrated he must be welcomed slowly without prejudice.
No amount of cosseting must impede the love and predictability that has been stabilized here by two rehomed chis, already.
both of whom have a 'history'
Pee Peanuts has a history, he was conceived in a trapped horse box at the side of the road.
Peanuts will join my company of abandoned.
But Peanuts will get the love he so badly lacked.
Like all my chis, they are loved, unconditionally.
so what says this about human kinds in my life?
Can anyone ease me into my throws of misplaced family, so different but yet all  needing the cares of each other.
Like Ana Chi, the eldest, sometimes i feel more for her, cos i know her least.  She is so much inside herself and searching, rarely can see around her.
When Ann the man, vis a vis Ann the woman is out there, she is searching.
Will i look into your eyes and say 'please love me?"
of course not, but inside is that, inside is where i was at 19, 29 and now 58.
A seeker for acceptance in the human clans so close and yet so far.
Almost 40yrs in a psychiatric system all because the woman couldn't relate or walk the barriers that seemed up in front like a glass wall.

Tell me the difference now after thousands of tiny pills going into my system, these thousands were meant to 'make me better' but what was my sickness?
there wasn't any, none provided yet drugged to the hilt, all for the yearning of love.
I learnt not that, i didn't get better from something i never had.
I offloaded onto the babies i have.
So sick now, tis all thats left.
I have my twin as well, but can a person have one?
and how much can twin and i be there for each other, for species is Society.  One to one does not equate to species, nor to society.
Both Mags and I shall have to forge ahead now with disabilities and try once more, one last time to brace ourselves for the final fling.
But God if it be your wish, bring me to my fold like the prodigal son, maybe i overspent on the words, will i be allowed in and sit in the corner just to feel the warmth?
meanwhile i look over at the sofa.
Peanuts is huddled and nestled in the belly of Maggie Mai the younger.
Ana is on the fringes, yet she does lie on the softness of the fluffy throw.
my gang, two girls and a boy!

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