I would like to really understand others' view of 'twinship.'
Many know of the conjoined twins and when the mothers say that they will make sure they remain so close because they were in actual fact from the start. Wrong.
separation is normal. Separation for any human being is normal.
Separation for twins is not only normal but essential.
its the closeness that will get to us in the end.
the Expectations of the relationship.
We, as twins see the relationship very different to others see it.
My twin and i have been essentially, 'divorced' for over 40yrs.
What is it about perception that most think that we should love unreservedly, be as close to each other as we were at age 7yrs old? No one can quite comprehend a twin murdering her other half with fighting, rows and squabbles.
Right then, who left the toothpaste cap off?
Now you understand.
its the little things.
I do things differently to the twin.
when she plays with her dog in the snow at 8am and i do the dishes at that time, that is dancing to a different tune, with the drum beats at odds.
who wants the dishes done first so that she can play in snow, knowing on return you can find a warm and clean place to bed down?
ON the other hand, who wants to play first, because she finds it difficult to get close to the day any other way, that early.
my twin does do things differently. Very.
Are we mad, bad or indifferent, to squabble?
Actually 'NO'
She is my sister, I am hers.
she has been away 40yrs, returns, changed from experience and disabilty.
she is a social worker, i am an artist.
and the gulf between is the pacific not the Irish Sea!
Do we love each other? "Yes of course we do, you Fool!"
We brought each other up!
Do you want the best for the twin, yes.
Do you worry, fret, riddle yourself with anxiety for your dear twin?
"Of course we do you f...idiot!"
We are blood brothers (actually sisters), so we love each other, we are twins and have that bond that no other has, but its not a marriage.
It is not a contract to Love her and no one else til death do us part.
It is nature gone wrong. An older mother who had twins, and this is what happens older mothers, more likely to have twins.
so we at the end of a tired line, are twins.
Did we chose it, no.
Just as we chose not to be married, in church, in a civil ceremony, in front of the buddha or the Irish sea, or the back yard pond.
we are not married, period.
Here is an experiment - try flinging two women aged 58yrs old together, both with neurodegenerative disorders, having not lived under the same roof for over forty years and say - "here you go, now look after her and you look after her and live together in harmony for the rest of your life."
thanks mate, try it when a fabulous dog leaps from the snow thick with snow balls right onto your face as you try to rest!
not fun.
do you love that damn dog, passionately actually, but no, i dont expect a black woolly mammoth to leap from the stomach high snow right onto my bed, lep across my own middle and brush that coat of her, against my flesh with pure, cold ice balls.
Does my twin too, want to be plagued about whose turn it is to wash up.
No she doesnt, does she have to? No, actually she doesnt.
who is happy though, not I for sure when i am dead beat and need the dishes washed.
So we have difference.
How many of you are advocating the rights to be just that, 'different'.
it doesnt seem as if the call for acceptance of difference comes when you have an identical twin sister.
its all in the twee perception, that the blood in our veins is the same and its a heart to lung thing, that is two hearts to lungs, and its circulating in order to make both halves breath, get the oxygen (and the energy) to cope with illness - and to be a twin.
She is presently reading the papers, i am shut in bedroom watching birds and typing.
we are different. And the same goes to every twin alive today, who carry the burden of the inheritance of a twin.
and the burden is thus because others place that upon the shoulders of twins who know our differences and no one else wants to see that, this is so, this is the way and this is actually, 'normal!'
I love my twin and her mad dog, Saffi.
without a doubt.
but i want myself and independence, without a doubt.
we are bonded and wrapped in love and support for each other, end of similarities, bar the walk in the snow with my chihuahuas in our coat hoods, to protect their wee paws getting frost bite!
AWNYAH TODAYSAY Ann living in the Republic of Ireland and it is not a good thing. We have now ratified the EU convention on the rights of people with disabilities, yet we failed in ratifying the optional protocol, allowing us ability to make complaints to the EU under the convention, with little facility to do so in our own country. We go unheard in every sense of the word. This is unjust and leaves us more vulnerable and open to abuses. We are suffering. I am suffering.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Such a stressful time for everyone
I think the Government of Ireland do not have a clue about the people trapped in the vice of this present economic crisis.
Not one family member of mine has gone untouched.
what it has brought on a personal level is splits, stress, strain and unbearable sorts of decision making none would have thought of even five or six years ago.
How many in the present Dail actually SEE.
this is a word many know about for not to SEE as in vision terms is the dread of all, or most.
not to see, colour, people's faces, laughter, children.
but also one doesnt have to see pain, the furrowed brow, the tears ready to burst forth, even though the voice be strong.
what exactly do the members of Dail Eireann actually see.
How many have walked amongst the people now facing ruin, facing huge choices, people facing life changes none would have considered.
businesses going to the wall, others straining to keep theirs even afloat, the terror for the children, the terror and fears for the future of many who have new borns, those who watch the younger 20 something wonder what the hell to do after their Arts degree and who suddenly find they are not trained up enough, when once they would have considered they were.
even if no, many of these youngsters would have gone on to the MA and the Phd, but where is the spare cash for such a luxury of sitting in libraries, being educated when there is that flat to pay, the food for the mouth and heat for the body?
what are my young nephews and neices facing?
how many of their parents will see them drift away, drift and the parents put all, all the power they had to bring them to maturity and a setting forth on a life, only to drift away before their eyes whilst their own hair turns grey naturally.
where was that dream of being the grandfather or mother, able to play with the kiddies on their knee by the hearth?
there is no certainty for anyone, when that happens, where is the joy and optimism?
what does a celebration of a child's birth actually mean when the falsehood behind one day is the next and the next, the strain.
Tell me if anyone cares to, how on earth does a person stay strong and positive in the face of economic and financial ruin, crises and hopelessness.
when you are single and alone, with no young people hanging out of you, no child taking up a room due to inability to move left or right or out, it could be easier than trying to cope with a multiplicity of jobs, careers, business straining to stay even in existance, new babies entering to uncertainty/
will the TD's be the only ones sitting for the vintage vino this christmas, the lights down low, the velvet rich covered chocolate and a full belly, how many too will resign on the fat salary after the fat meal.
when the hope is only that tomorrow is the shortest day of the year and so the long haul actually to the spring, is that all really there is to hope for?
ah i guess its enough, we will see the daffodils pop through in the new year, the snowdrops strong and sturdy through the snow, the crocus then and the ice melting off the rooftops with a slow plop.
less birds looking fluffed up like a puff ball and maybe so that little robin i have seen all winter doing the huddle will be the actual robin i see smart and fresh in the spring, if i can think so it would be enough joy for me.
alas not many can see this far, and the Dail sees neither the robin's struggle nor that of the human society they have left in tatters to pick up the tabs of crooks, and robbers of a despicable kind.
the crime of the coppers.
Not one family member of mine has gone untouched.
what it has brought on a personal level is splits, stress, strain and unbearable sorts of decision making none would have thought of even five or six years ago.
How many in the present Dail actually SEE.
this is a word many know about for not to SEE as in vision terms is the dread of all, or most.
not to see, colour, people's faces, laughter, children.
but also one doesnt have to see pain, the furrowed brow, the tears ready to burst forth, even though the voice be strong.
what exactly do the members of Dail Eireann actually see.
How many have walked amongst the people now facing ruin, facing huge choices, people facing life changes none would have considered.
businesses going to the wall, others straining to keep theirs even afloat, the terror for the children, the terror and fears for the future of many who have new borns, those who watch the younger 20 something wonder what the hell to do after their Arts degree and who suddenly find they are not trained up enough, when once they would have considered they were.
even if no, many of these youngsters would have gone on to the MA and the Phd, but where is the spare cash for such a luxury of sitting in libraries, being educated when there is that flat to pay, the food for the mouth and heat for the body?
what are my young nephews and neices facing?
how many of their parents will see them drift away, drift and the parents put all, all the power they had to bring them to maturity and a setting forth on a life, only to drift away before their eyes whilst their own hair turns grey naturally.
where was that dream of being the grandfather or mother, able to play with the kiddies on their knee by the hearth?
there is no certainty for anyone, when that happens, where is the joy and optimism?
what does a celebration of a child's birth actually mean when the falsehood behind one day is the next and the next, the strain.
Tell me if anyone cares to, how on earth does a person stay strong and positive in the face of economic and financial ruin, crises and hopelessness.
when you are single and alone, with no young people hanging out of you, no child taking up a room due to inability to move left or right or out, it could be easier than trying to cope with a multiplicity of jobs, careers, business straining to stay even in existance, new babies entering to uncertainty/
will the TD's be the only ones sitting for the vintage vino this christmas, the lights down low, the velvet rich covered chocolate and a full belly, how many too will resign on the fat salary after the fat meal.
when the hope is only that tomorrow is the shortest day of the year and so the long haul actually to the spring, is that all really there is to hope for?
ah i guess its enough, we will see the daffodils pop through in the new year, the snowdrops strong and sturdy through the snow, the crocus then and the ice melting off the rooftops with a slow plop.
less birds looking fluffed up like a puff ball and maybe so that little robin i have seen all winter doing the huddle will be the actual robin i see smart and fresh in the spring, if i can think so it would be enough joy for me.
alas not many can see this far, and the Dail sees neither the robin's struggle nor that of the human society they have left in tatters to pick up the tabs of crooks, and robbers of a despicable kind.
the crime of the coppers.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
It was raining cats and dogs - and more snow!
Many a lesson was learnt this week indeed!
taught by 'Peanuts,' a neuropsychologist and also Colm Murray, who has ALS.
Peanuts became 'love in a tiny bundle' but the other chihuahaus, mature, sedate were having none of it. One distanced herself so much not even i counted!
the other just curled into a ball, that feathery tail screening her eyes like a fan and pretended she was dead. Notwithstanding the eye opened now and again to peek over her fan to watch the devil incarnate on Her patch.
the devil incarnate fell in love with me, I am sure of it, and i with him, but he had to go for harmony's sake, so he went and i believe he will be 'loved up' by Brenda, she already felt he was her favourite so maybe she will keep him, she is keeping his name anyway!
so Peanuts taught me never to upset the status quo, well i have already done so, so pee peanuts came too late.
Now the other teacher in my life at present has to be Mark, at Beaumont the neuropsych.
He was tired the day we went, you can always tell. Did we blame him? not at all.
We are awakened to the 'situation,' yes, we sure do have a 'situation' here in this country of ours, in our health service, overworked staff.
but he is our leveller, just levelling twin and i out, so hope he doesn't flatten the good old spicy bits down, who like a flattened out twin?
Finally it was Colm Murray who stole my heart for bravery and courage who spoke with good humour and reality now that he has been diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy.
As he recalled his 'finding' he did suspect it, long before its final official dx by a pro.
How, he did the google bit.
Who doesn't.
When one is very ill, you do the google.
I believe most professionals do this as well actually.
If i had not done the google i would be lying here in a mess and not knowing certain whys, and certainly knowing that almost every medic in the land would short shift me out of his clinic/surgery as soon as clapped eyes on me.
I had seen it, and experienced it.
when one woman, who was believed to be a bloody nuisance in A&E's for her sadness and her actions because of sadness took her life into her own hands and became a rock of determination, they didn't know what hit them.
I didn't ask for more of this torturous abuse, i walked, and i complained about the consultants.
I put it on record exactly what i thought of them and then finally pushed a yellow sheet or sheets of Papers in front of a neurologist and demand he sign.
He moaned and groaned, "i dont do forms, my secretary does that."
"not these she doesn't, doc. you are actually needed here."
It wasn;t easy, always he was 'too busy' or 'oh, where did i put that form.'
and of course the raised eyes etc.
once the forms got lost so we started all again, with new forms and i actually put them in front of him and said, "now doc, whilst i am here will you sign this."
the eyes went blank as if to say 'what are these?'
"well you know i am not happy, and i wish to go to St. Toms for a second opinion?"
his glazed eyes tried to concentrate and he remembers, ever so glinty.
'and doc i need a bit of historical detail and a lot of persuasion on your part to get over the hump past the airport boundaries, as the HSE have to sanction this, like/
we got that far.
I was to go to London, hospital and all and keep receipts.
after the event of one week where more was discovered there than in five years in Ireland, i put in the costing of the trip, one receipt was sent back, are you ready for this.
the HSE would not fund the bus fair nor the cup of coffee and bun i had at the airport on the way out and back!
so i could get to London but not even the cheapest transport would be funded to do so. flying was a given otherwise i couldn't go, the cheaper option, swimming, was simply not an option.
right, good old Colm Murray probably did receive a good deal better treatment or attention for Colm was Colm and Awynah was herself.
So too, we had a week and a half.
as i drove home last night late, withnessing the last christmas party taking place at the hostelry we stopped off at for a meal (for the second time in a day), my twin announced "i will not forget this year."
to which i responded, "I doubt you will, my friend."
certainly not that day, would i.
drove the cat down to the vet, who was determined to give the twin ten lashes for trying to catch her, visibly seen on the palm of her hands and vERY painful looking.
she got jabbed for her pains. vaccinationa actually.
then it was home to bed for me.
I had done a massive shop at dunnes, collected yet more plants and pots from twin and settled down for the eve.
the phone rang, saffi had collapsed.
twin said she was going to call a taxi.
but i felt i wanted too, to be with Saffi for who wouldn't, saffi is a dog and a half. more than a dog and a half.
we all drove into the Vet hospital at UCD, rapid transport style in the bus lane.
and saff was put on a drip and given antibiotics.
Saff survived the night but twin and i hardly did. she was worried, i was too tired.
and then the snow came, the bloody snow which might put the twin back in leaving the home she is to vacate on monday.
Most things are in prep.
i have brought all her plants here, someone else promised to keep them but that hit the deck in a big way.
i also brought bedding material, not in the shape of straw but probably the next best as twin poor twin is a fussy bed material chooser.
she has packed, we both have worked very hard indeed, with the paperwork, the business side of signing off a home.
we have also worked very hard and with purpose in dealing with trying to find our 'forever' homes.
Never would anyone think that a woman who is so collapsed in brain matter of the mental kind would be up to defeating it (and them), defeating the belief that i was a half wit and trying to defeat the innuendos that are currently flying, be able to juggle so much when so very unwell now, in a physical dimension.
never could it be thought that twins with neurodegenerative disorders, could actually do all this entirely alone and very successfully, they didnt chose to do it alone but we are quite proud of our achievements thus far.
also finding two properties, having them assessed and further reviewed tomorrow, was not what was thought of my twino and i, as we plough through the dealings with adults in an adult fashion.
on our recent path we have met many very kind people, not a one was against what we have done, and many are proud and joyous for us.
we shall travel onward a bit further, hopefully all dogs will keep well and paw up with us.
we shall trott and slither but hopefully not slip - in the snow and brain, and march on, like eggits in a war, for war is an idiots game.
we are marching as pasifists (can't spell that), we hope not to find any dead bodies on the way, and hopefully, despite much good wish, we will not create some either.
x
taught by 'Peanuts,' a neuropsychologist and also Colm Murray, who has ALS.
Peanuts became 'love in a tiny bundle' but the other chihuahaus, mature, sedate were having none of it. One distanced herself so much not even i counted!
the other just curled into a ball, that feathery tail screening her eyes like a fan and pretended she was dead. Notwithstanding the eye opened now and again to peek over her fan to watch the devil incarnate on Her patch.
the devil incarnate fell in love with me, I am sure of it, and i with him, but he had to go for harmony's sake, so he went and i believe he will be 'loved up' by Brenda, she already felt he was her favourite so maybe she will keep him, she is keeping his name anyway!
so Peanuts taught me never to upset the status quo, well i have already done so, so pee peanuts came too late.
Now the other teacher in my life at present has to be Mark, at Beaumont the neuropsych.
He was tired the day we went, you can always tell. Did we blame him? not at all.
We are awakened to the 'situation,' yes, we sure do have a 'situation' here in this country of ours, in our health service, overworked staff.
but he is our leveller, just levelling twin and i out, so hope he doesn't flatten the good old spicy bits down, who like a flattened out twin?
Finally it was Colm Murray who stole my heart for bravery and courage who spoke with good humour and reality now that he has been diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy.
As he recalled his 'finding' he did suspect it, long before its final official dx by a pro.
How, he did the google bit.
Who doesn't.
When one is very ill, you do the google.
I believe most professionals do this as well actually.
If i had not done the google i would be lying here in a mess and not knowing certain whys, and certainly knowing that almost every medic in the land would short shift me out of his clinic/surgery as soon as clapped eyes on me.
I had seen it, and experienced it.
when one woman, who was believed to be a bloody nuisance in A&E's for her sadness and her actions because of sadness took her life into her own hands and became a rock of determination, they didn't know what hit them.
I didn't ask for more of this torturous abuse, i walked, and i complained about the consultants.
I put it on record exactly what i thought of them and then finally pushed a yellow sheet or sheets of Papers in front of a neurologist and demand he sign.
He moaned and groaned, "i dont do forms, my secretary does that."
"not these she doesn't, doc. you are actually needed here."
It wasn;t easy, always he was 'too busy' or 'oh, where did i put that form.'
and of course the raised eyes etc.
once the forms got lost so we started all again, with new forms and i actually put them in front of him and said, "now doc, whilst i am here will you sign this."
the eyes went blank as if to say 'what are these?'
"well you know i am not happy, and i wish to go to St. Toms for a second opinion?"
his glazed eyes tried to concentrate and he remembers, ever so glinty.
'and doc i need a bit of historical detail and a lot of persuasion on your part to get over the hump past the airport boundaries, as the HSE have to sanction this, like/
we got that far.
I was to go to London, hospital and all and keep receipts.
after the event of one week where more was discovered there than in five years in Ireland, i put in the costing of the trip, one receipt was sent back, are you ready for this.
the HSE would not fund the bus fair nor the cup of coffee and bun i had at the airport on the way out and back!
so i could get to London but not even the cheapest transport would be funded to do so. flying was a given otherwise i couldn't go, the cheaper option, swimming, was simply not an option.
right, good old Colm Murray probably did receive a good deal better treatment or attention for Colm was Colm and Awynah was herself.
So too, we had a week and a half.
as i drove home last night late, withnessing the last christmas party taking place at the hostelry we stopped off at for a meal (for the second time in a day), my twin announced "i will not forget this year."
to which i responded, "I doubt you will, my friend."
certainly not that day, would i.
drove the cat down to the vet, who was determined to give the twin ten lashes for trying to catch her, visibly seen on the palm of her hands and vERY painful looking.
she got jabbed for her pains. vaccinationa actually.
then it was home to bed for me.
I had done a massive shop at dunnes, collected yet more plants and pots from twin and settled down for the eve.
the phone rang, saffi had collapsed.
twin said she was going to call a taxi.
but i felt i wanted too, to be with Saffi for who wouldn't, saffi is a dog and a half. more than a dog and a half.
we all drove into the Vet hospital at UCD, rapid transport style in the bus lane.
and saff was put on a drip and given antibiotics.
Saff survived the night but twin and i hardly did. she was worried, i was too tired.
and then the snow came, the bloody snow which might put the twin back in leaving the home she is to vacate on monday.
Most things are in prep.
i have brought all her plants here, someone else promised to keep them but that hit the deck in a big way.
i also brought bedding material, not in the shape of straw but probably the next best as twin poor twin is a fussy bed material chooser.
she has packed, we both have worked very hard indeed, with the paperwork, the business side of signing off a home.
we have also worked very hard and with purpose in dealing with trying to find our 'forever' homes.
Never would anyone think that a woman who is so collapsed in brain matter of the mental kind would be up to defeating it (and them), defeating the belief that i was a half wit and trying to defeat the innuendos that are currently flying, be able to juggle so much when so very unwell now, in a physical dimension.
never could it be thought that twins with neurodegenerative disorders, could actually do all this entirely alone and very successfully, they didnt chose to do it alone but we are quite proud of our achievements thus far.
also finding two properties, having them assessed and further reviewed tomorrow, was not what was thought of my twino and i, as we plough through the dealings with adults in an adult fashion.
on our recent path we have met many very kind people, not a one was against what we have done, and many are proud and joyous for us.
we shall travel onward a bit further, hopefully all dogs will keep well and paw up with us.
we shall trott and slither but hopefully not slip - in the snow and brain, and march on, like eggits in a war, for war is an idiots game.
we are marching as pasifists (can't spell that), we hope not to find any dead bodies on the way, and hopefully, despite much good wish, we will not create some either.
x
Friday, December 17, 2010
I am not entirely sure anymore!
I dont really know why i TRIED so hard! that is, nothing really flowed in my life.
I was trying to attain certain things, so that the flow would begin!
where i am at this point in the effort i do not know.
You kinda get very lost, you are there, half way there, not even half way there or have you begun at all?
these are the questions.
Awynah, what were you trying to attain?
well, em, family love?
what else?
ummm....friends....acceptance...understanding about living, life and society?
yeh, well, how far did you get?
I can safely say...not very far...at all, at all.
You do get pissed off communicating with a computer rather than the three d.
and when the 3D's in your life are small, big eyed, furry with bad breath and snore a lot - in your ear, you have to beginning worrying.
No one bar the twino has been in contact with me, that is on a personal level in months.
when i asked the twino was she worried that the only person she saw from day to day was myself, she said 'a tad bit'
ditto self...sure Gud, who wouldnt.
try it sometime, no one else bar the hubby...absolutely no one else at all!
i told you, you'd go nuts!
like in pee peanut nuts.
you start to scratch and whine, grovel and slither up bellies of non-acceptables and non human all for the want of another 3d of similar kind.
is it acceptable for a 3d-er to be smothered in hot.
that is hot fur?
chihuahuas huddle and cuddle in winters and exude heat, try that too, the heat is enormous for beasties so small. and the fur, its soft and tickles, and it sort of floats on the surface of skin, like feathers.
yep, try that too.
the competition too for the armpit area and the stomach and the neck crease is mighty.
the competition to claim the belly rather than the laptop have it is also enormous but the grey metal of an apple usually wins that one.
i am tired, of 3d furries as sole companions for life.
tired of nuts, and tits and big eyes, and haliotosis, for the rest of my life.
who will spare me the indignity of being in a dog kennel be it of a rather luxurious kind, and the boarders are not wanting for anything and neither have yowlers and howlers on either side of the wired fence.
that is, not of the dog kind, only of the human alcoholic type.
yep, tis a weird one when you are not entirely sure how, you tried to get the human dimension and ended up with the canine!
I was trying to attain certain things, so that the flow would begin!
where i am at this point in the effort i do not know.
You kinda get very lost, you are there, half way there, not even half way there or have you begun at all?
these are the questions.
Awynah, what were you trying to attain?
well, em, family love?
what else?
ummm....friends....acceptance...understanding about living, life and society?
yeh, well, how far did you get?
I can safely say...not very far...at all, at all.
You do get pissed off communicating with a computer rather than the three d.
and when the 3D's in your life are small, big eyed, furry with bad breath and snore a lot - in your ear, you have to beginning worrying.
No one bar the twino has been in contact with me, that is on a personal level in months.
when i asked the twino was she worried that the only person she saw from day to day was myself, she said 'a tad bit'
ditto self...sure Gud, who wouldnt.
try it sometime, no one else bar the hubby...absolutely no one else at all!
i told you, you'd go nuts!
like in pee peanut nuts.
you start to scratch and whine, grovel and slither up bellies of non-acceptables and non human all for the want of another 3d of similar kind.
is it acceptable for a 3d-er to be smothered in hot.
that is hot fur?
chihuahuas huddle and cuddle in winters and exude heat, try that too, the heat is enormous for beasties so small. and the fur, its soft and tickles, and it sort of floats on the surface of skin, like feathers.
yep, try that too.
the competition too for the armpit area and the stomach and the neck crease is mighty.
the competition to claim the belly rather than the laptop have it is also enormous but the grey metal of an apple usually wins that one.
i am tired, of 3d furries as sole companions for life.
tired of nuts, and tits and big eyes, and haliotosis, for the rest of my life.
who will spare me the indignity of being in a dog kennel be it of a rather luxurious kind, and the boarders are not wanting for anything and neither have yowlers and howlers on either side of the wired fence.
that is, not of the dog kind, only of the human alcoholic type.
yep, tis a weird one when you are not entirely sure how, you tried to get the human dimension and ended up with the canine!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
When Love is a Bundle yet the Heart is empty
I feel it is like a boxing ring.
Have I lost a few rounds and won one or two, or which way is it anymore.
How tired can you get in the search for acceptance and love and support.
Yes, Peanuts, ah Peanuts is going to send me nutty and i am sorely smitten!
Peanuts will come with me as the soul who actually does need a soul.
How much love i can give him, and his new sisters.
How i shall try to integrate them into a unit and have a happy clan.
I put all to bed last night, bundled, but the bundle would keep me awake.
Is my bundle alright?
Well obviously not.
Ana was perched on the back of the sofa looking straight at me as i peeked in on turning on the lights.
Maggie had her back to me, sitting bolt upright and looking at me indignantly as she turned that fluffy, big eyed, head.
Peanuts, Peanuts found a smotherer, that is he was smothered in the soft downy throw.
but there he was with his fawn head, peering at me.
"So?" i ask, "what is it?"
they could not answer, none could speak.
"MAMA! what have YOU DONE?"
I left them, all kinda lost on a patch of the sitting room, none quite sure where to put herself.
Peanuts already knew!
about an hour later i couldnt settle, all three came to bed.
Peanuts settled under my chin, Ana behind my back with my hot water bottle (I have done me back in) Maggie nestled around my belly area.
could i sleep like that, certainly not.
All banished back to the mystery of the sitting room.
I placed wee Pee with Maggie Mai the younger,
Ana refused absolutely refused to cuddle up to maggie as always.
But Ana was always a crayon of a different colour.
shes an obstinate, needy, foodie chi.
Ana doesn't know how to be 'dog.'
Does that actually equate to her Mistress, Ann?
Does Ann know how to be a human?
The human went to bed then, but could not sleep.
it was not only sleep depravation that kept her quiet and restless, it was deep exhaustion and depression.
Yes, wee pee will help me enormously forget the load of the last two or more years.
But how much can Ann forget the losses in this time?
Can she come to terms with being alone in the world?
For she very much is that.
Oh she has Ana and Maggie Mai and Pee Peanuts, but Ann cannot live by chis alone!
what human touch will reach out to Ann, to touch the flesh of say her hands and fingers, squeeze em and say, 'dont fear Ann, i shall take your hand every inch of the way/'
I doubt i can believe a soul alive will or could do that.
How could it have gotten this bad, i ask.
And what was its genesis.
Was it entirely a LOUD mouth?
I think maybe it was.
Something inside of me cannot do anything but pretty plain.
Especially in expression, hurt and the languages she has.
Has the deafness pared down her opportunity to use various communication nuaunces?
Has the deafness separated her from the so called 'normal society' and where in normal discourse, learning takes place.
When i think of Pee Peanuts, i know that he will have to be gently nurtured into the fold of two female chihuahuas, who had my all attention.
In order that Pee Peanuts gets integrated he must be welcomed slowly without prejudice.
No amount of cosseting must impede the love and predictability that has been stabilized here by two rehomed chis, already.
both of whom have a 'history'
Pee Peanuts has a history, he was conceived in a trapped horse box at the side of the road.
Peanuts will join my company of abandoned.
But Peanuts will get the love he so badly lacked.
Like all my chis, they are loved, unconditionally.
so what says this about human kinds in my life?
Can anyone ease me into my throws of misplaced family, so different but yet all needing the cares of each other.
Like Ana Chi, the eldest, sometimes i feel more for her, cos i know her least. She is so much inside herself and searching, rarely can see around her.
When Ann the man, vis a vis Ann the woman is out there, she is searching.
Will i look into your eyes and say 'please love me?"
of course not, but inside is that, inside is where i was at 19, 29 and now 58.
A seeker for acceptance in the human clans so close and yet so far.
Almost 40yrs in a psychiatric system all because the woman couldn't relate or walk the barriers that seemed up in front like a glass wall.
Tell me the difference now after thousands of tiny pills going into my system, these thousands were meant to 'make me better' but what was my sickness?
there wasn't any, none provided yet drugged to the hilt, all for the yearning of love.
I learnt not that, i didn't get better from something i never had.
I offloaded onto the babies i have.
So sick now, tis all thats left.
I have my twin as well, but can a person have one?
and how much can twin and i be there for each other, for species is Society. One to one does not equate to species, nor to society.
Both Mags and I shall have to forge ahead now with disabilities and try once more, one last time to brace ourselves for the final fling.
But God if it be your wish, bring me to my fold like the prodigal son, maybe i overspent on the words, will i be allowed in and sit in the corner just to feel the warmth?
meanwhile i look over at the sofa.
Peanuts is huddled and nestled in the belly of Maggie Mai the younger.
Ana is on the fringes, yet she does lie on the softness of the fluffy throw.
my gang, two girls and a boy!
Have I lost a few rounds and won one or two, or which way is it anymore.
How tired can you get in the search for acceptance and love and support.
Yes, Peanuts, ah Peanuts is going to send me nutty and i am sorely smitten!
Peanuts will come with me as the soul who actually does need a soul.
How much love i can give him, and his new sisters.
How i shall try to integrate them into a unit and have a happy clan.
I put all to bed last night, bundled, but the bundle would keep me awake.
Is my bundle alright?
Well obviously not.
Ana was perched on the back of the sofa looking straight at me as i peeked in on turning on the lights.
Maggie had her back to me, sitting bolt upright and looking at me indignantly as she turned that fluffy, big eyed, head.
Peanuts, Peanuts found a smotherer, that is he was smothered in the soft downy throw.
but there he was with his fawn head, peering at me.
"So?" i ask, "what is it?"
they could not answer, none could speak.
"MAMA! what have YOU DONE?"
I left them, all kinda lost on a patch of the sitting room, none quite sure where to put herself.
Peanuts already knew!
about an hour later i couldnt settle, all three came to bed.
Peanuts settled under my chin, Ana behind my back with my hot water bottle (I have done me back in) Maggie nestled around my belly area.
could i sleep like that, certainly not.
All banished back to the mystery of the sitting room.
I placed wee Pee with Maggie Mai the younger,
Ana refused absolutely refused to cuddle up to maggie as always.
But Ana was always a crayon of a different colour.
shes an obstinate, needy, foodie chi.
Ana doesn't know how to be 'dog.'
Does that actually equate to her Mistress, Ann?
Does Ann know how to be a human?
The human went to bed then, but could not sleep.
it was not only sleep depravation that kept her quiet and restless, it was deep exhaustion and depression.
Yes, wee pee will help me enormously forget the load of the last two or more years.
But how much can Ann forget the losses in this time?
Can she come to terms with being alone in the world?
For she very much is that.
Oh she has Ana and Maggie Mai and Pee Peanuts, but Ann cannot live by chis alone!
what human touch will reach out to Ann, to touch the flesh of say her hands and fingers, squeeze em and say, 'dont fear Ann, i shall take your hand every inch of the way/'
I doubt i can believe a soul alive will or could do that.
How could it have gotten this bad, i ask.
And what was its genesis.
Was it entirely a LOUD mouth?
I think maybe it was.
Something inside of me cannot do anything but pretty plain.
Especially in expression, hurt and the languages she has.
Has the deafness pared down her opportunity to use various communication nuaunces?
Has the deafness separated her from the so called 'normal society' and where in normal discourse, learning takes place.
When i think of Pee Peanuts, i know that he will have to be gently nurtured into the fold of two female chihuahuas, who had my all attention.
In order that Pee Peanuts gets integrated he must be welcomed slowly without prejudice.
No amount of cosseting must impede the love and predictability that has been stabilized here by two rehomed chis, already.
both of whom have a 'history'
Pee Peanuts has a history, he was conceived in a trapped horse box at the side of the road.
Peanuts will join my company of abandoned.
But Peanuts will get the love he so badly lacked.
Like all my chis, they are loved, unconditionally.
so what says this about human kinds in my life?
Can anyone ease me into my throws of misplaced family, so different but yet all needing the cares of each other.
Like Ana Chi, the eldest, sometimes i feel more for her, cos i know her least. She is so much inside herself and searching, rarely can see around her.
When Ann the man, vis a vis Ann the woman is out there, she is searching.
Will i look into your eyes and say 'please love me?"
of course not, but inside is that, inside is where i was at 19, 29 and now 58.
A seeker for acceptance in the human clans so close and yet so far.
Almost 40yrs in a psychiatric system all because the woman couldn't relate or walk the barriers that seemed up in front like a glass wall.
Tell me the difference now after thousands of tiny pills going into my system, these thousands were meant to 'make me better' but what was my sickness?
there wasn't any, none provided yet drugged to the hilt, all for the yearning of love.
I learnt not that, i didn't get better from something i never had.
I offloaded onto the babies i have.
So sick now, tis all thats left.
I have my twin as well, but can a person have one?
and how much can twin and i be there for each other, for species is Society. One to one does not equate to species, nor to society.
Both Mags and I shall have to forge ahead now with disabilities and try once more, one last time to brace ourselves for the final fling.
But God if it be your wish, bring me to my fold like the prodigal son, maybe i overspent on the words, will i be allowed in and sit in the corner just to feel the warmth?
meanwhile i look over at the sofa.
Peanuts is huddled and nestled in the belly of Maggie Mai the younger.
Ana is on the fringes, yet she does lie on the softness of the fluffy throw.
my gang, two girls and a boy!
Monday, December 13, 2010
sitting down for tea on the lawn and the birds chirping, in what country and when?
I always ask the DIFFICULT questions to myself?
\
when you think of the tablecloth and the art deco period, the quirky clarice cliff china and the settings of swinging legs and pointy shoes, dandy men, and giggling, pouring the pointy teapot spout at an english woman in floral dress, cup with the trangle handle, and all is well with the world.
you have already guessed this is not my world, never was and never will be.
supping tea with dandy men will never be for sure, let alone supping tea with anyone either.
when though, the day sitting and supping, hearing the birds chirping and listening to the grass grow, will come?
how long is a life when one would expect the last ten to be it?
for life left me far behind and now i have a short window to achieve what i wanted, a very deep peace in my heart, not a dread of death, nor sorrow of leaving when i wasted it, unknowingly.
did not understand it, unknowingly. Did not how to change that dileman and was looking as if walking backward instead of forward for over forty years or more.
I want to create a home for peace, where i will be enveloped in peace, nature, nice neighbours, a visit from twin and saffi often. and also family, often, but that may not be so now.
i want to talk of current affairs, animals, birds, green issues, long after the party is over.
I want to laugh, and see the great neices and neps run along my path in the back and around the grass, maybe chasing butterflies in my garden.
Why do i wonder at such posibilities.
I have my brain back - we have been given a window out, where the learning and decerning awnyah knows she now can at least see the world and want to experiment the experience of joy.
she never had a blade of grass she could call her own or of her own planting.
never had a home nor the people who would make a home.
lets try make the home and see if eventually the people will arrive.
i will have to generate this and not imagine this.
the is the last grand experiment open to awnyah and also the chance to sit at the ubiquous table by the window looking out over grass and green and pen them words, down. but again we have to try in the alternatives.
writing gone and memory not hot, we have to generate the mixing of my presence in creative media and trow all in the tea pot, the clarice cliff one with the long spout and funny handle.
when children are what many treasure to leave on the earth and give its their custody.
i want to explain how difference has meant that many need the custody of others HEARTs, or be given over to the custody of others hearts.
I await laying the table for the dainty teapart of life, spread out on my table cloth with laughter and joy.
and Pooh bear feels he knows his home!
awynah
\
when you think of the tablecloth and the art deco period, the quirky clarice cliff china and the settings of swinging legs and pointy shoes, dandy men, and giggling, pouring the pointy teapot spout at an english woman in floral dress, cup with the trangle handle, and all is well with the world.
you have already guessed this is not my world, never was and never will be.
supping tea with dandy men will never be for sure, let alone supping tea with anyone either.
when though, the day sitting and supping, hearing the birds chirping and listening to the grass grow, will come?
how long is a life when one would expect the last ten to be it?
for life left me far behind and now i have a short window to achieve what i wanted, a very deep peace in my heart, not a dread of death, nor sorrow of leaving when i wasted it, unknowingly.
did not understand it, unknowingly. Did not how to change that dileman and was looking as if walking backward instead of forward for over forty years or more.
I want to create a home for peace, where i will be enveloped in peace, nature, nice neighbours, a visit from twin and saffi often. and also family, often, but that may not be so now.
i want to talk of current affairs, animals, birds, green issues, long after the party is over.
I want to laugh, and see the great neices and neps run along my path in the back and around the grass, maybe chasing butterflies in my garden.
Why do i wonder at such posibilities.
I have my brain back - we have been given a window out, where the learning and decerning awnyah knows she now can at least see the world and want to experiment the experience of joy.
she never had a blade of grass she could call her own or of her own planting.
never had a home nor the people who would make a home.
lets try make the home and see if eventually the people will arrive.
i will have to generate this and not imagine this.
the is the last grand experiment open to awnyah and also the chance to sit at the ubiquous table by the window looking out over grass and green and pen them words, down. but again we have to try in the alternatives.
writing gone and memory not hot, we have to generate the mixing of my presence in creative media and trow all in the tea pot, the clarice cliff one with the long spout and funny handle.
when children are what many treasure to leave on the earth and give its their custody.
i want to explain how difference has meant that many need the custody of others HEARTs, or be given over to the custody of others hearts.
I await laying the table for the dainty teapart of life, spread out on my table cloth with laughter and joy.
and Pooh bear feels he knows his home!
awynah
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Now for reparation with good intent
when you get upset and may have wronged another, you wear the sack cloth and ashes, and there are many ways.
as part or whole of reparation i am editing my blogs and have deleted maybe offending tracts, deemed offending anyway.
with a truly contrite heart and with full reparation as i can i do this.
anyway that apart one most edit as time moves on and things and ideas do change.
when for the better and good is the awaited aim, so all may rest in life and then in death, until death do us part.
with sincere apology, i say my 'sorry' and will move on, amen.
when one flea jumps maybe the others will follow, that is a hope, and if all fleas jump at the same time, i believe the world or planet makes a jump literally, scientifically, it sort of jumps, or at best shutters....
as part or whole of reparation i am editing my blogs and have deleted maybe offending tracts, deemed offending anyway.
with a truly contrite heart and with full reparation as i can i do this.
anyway that apart one most edit as time moves on and things and ideas do change.
when for the better and good is the awaited aim, so all may rest in life and then in death, until death do us part.
with sincere apology, i say my 'sorry' and will move on, amen.
when one flea jumps maybe the others will follow, that is a hope, and if all fleas jump at the same time, i believe the world or planet makes a jump literally, scientifically, it sort of jumps, or at best shutters....
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