there is no doubt about it, its a dark place to be - the forest, any forest especially in dead of winter.
when a forest can be the sea shore in december, a bright day in june or an autumn day of living, when its dark its dark and can get very dark indeed.
where was our drowning out of light for us twins today?
it was wet, blustery and mild, a nice trot on the strand in greystones, but a weepy one which required a gentle prod and tap on the back, two sticks stuck in damp sand as useless legs, tried out the stepping.
three dogs happier than two humans.
they ran amok and we watched.
but dampened down were we, with the ongoing struggle of our decline, too early in life and not knowing what is going on.
where is the biopsy piece of your body twin?
its in Kings and needs to get to Queens.
where is your body part Twin, well mine is in Newcastle and now is being tested for common mitro deletion whatever that is.
but maybe we may never find out what is wrong.
but certainly complacency on the part of medics is not helping as twins are stuck in the middle of communication errors and one consultant not making the request for body part and the other thinking the other was taking care of this and no, secretaries are not involved so what do you do then, months later, you give a body part, you pay for having that done and you are now minus any results from testing, thus far.
not the fault of the body part giver.
if they want any more when we are dead and interesting will they get it?
highly unlikely as they have not helped us when alive.
they cannot expect my brain to investigate once i am dead when they make my life an utter misery when alive.
why should i be a body donator when dead because i am rare and could be interesting to science.
NO, my will of leaving it is fast eroding as twins slap sticks in damp sand and weep together.
what else happened today...one got stuck in the toilet twice, a small cubicle with twins in it together, the one sitting on needed damp cloths to brow, a massage of back, a fan of the scarf twin holds in front of her, this because one is about to pass out due to wrong food and crohns and ceoliac, one twin made a major departure from a very strict diet.
this has a cause and effect, biggun.
right world, we are in economic crisis, but does that mean the individual gets lost in misery because of this?
where is thy neighbour in all this and when will thy neighbour ever consider more than self and basically get up off arse and tend to the less able.
I really am angry that we do not do more for each other.
the disability agenda is there, what is known is there, where there are deficiencies we KNOW and darn all done about it.
YOU CAN make a difference but you have to voice and you have to act.
do not expect change without effort.
nothing comes by putting the bum on a soft pillow of sofas and warming by the fire or in the bed under blankets.
nothing is achieved by silence and inertia.
nothing is achieved by making pals with people in high places in order to maintain the status quo.
you have to bark to alert the intruder in disabled peoples' lives.
making enemies for a good reason is better than making pals for no results at all, if the pals be at the top and have an agenda to effect change, then they have to be made aware that those of us who can, will not pander to them but make them work FOR THEM>
i am not liked terribly much and i am saddened by that.
but what i have tried to do was effect change for the better of my own personal life.
this i did and i lost out on many things in doing so but i did effect change away from gun slinging children.
i was in the centre of a violent community of drinking men, a woman alone and apart.
i needed out.
but it destroyed many things in my life but now i am safe at least.
i am angry here that far too many people sit by and do not act to help the least able.
i am furious that twins in the 21st century are left alone in Ireland, very alone with little support anywhere, this is within the community, closer community and the broader agenda of health in ireland.
neglect is the word.
as one limps by and helps the other as we shall always do.
but i am livid it has to be so hard slap in the middle of middle class ireland.
this is the ethos now of living beings.
Walk by and do not accept the responsibilty for less able.
just walk on by and forget that we are killing souls, wishing our elderly dead and depriving our disabled of equal rights through massive health cuts.
depriving the least able is what Hitler did.
he killed them all off in gass chambers.
is there anything different today i ask, not a lot.
we are starved in body, soul, spirit and freedom and that is what Hitler did, but he did it the fast way.
i am angry
we have absolutely no health care at all...no means of getting around, no physio, no psychological help for one of the twins, no pain management, no real help in the home but lazy home helps who shave off fiveteen minutes and do as little as possible leaving the disabled behind in effectively not much better than when the home helps arrive.
there is no monitoring of this service.
we have nothing but fresh air to live on and spirit, we have that in spades.
and i have no twinkly lights for the christmas tree, there were far more pressing issues to deal with and at the end the pleasure gets left out when time doesnt allow and energy definitely is not there.
we are a weak and sad country all round.

AWNYAH TODAYSAY Ann living in the Republic of Ireland and it is not a good thing. We have now ratified the EU convention on the rights of people with disabilities, yet we failed in ratifying the optional protocol, allowing us ability to make complaints to the EU under the convention, with little facility to do so in our own country. We go unheard in every sense of the word. This is unjust and leaves us more vulnerable and open to abuses. We are suffering. I am suffering.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
budget blah and woolly hats
SO much of this country is simply ...WRONG.
and being in the thick of depression as we are now people are actually beginning to do the 'step over him/her' trot.
Literally, its everyone for him/herself now and the feeling that its there, the feeling OF it, is sensed by everyone.
all are wrapped in envelopes of protection, against the world, yet in the world, for oneself and darn to everyone else in it.
a trash time to get the coppers mentality and a trash time of self pity too of 'i am having it real tough, no one understands how tough it is for me.'\
actually most do understand, but couldn't care less if you are or not.
we are walking away from hurt and pain and suffering of our fellow human beings instead of collectively shoring each other up in this time of need.
here is an example...i visit an elderly neighbour and find him wearing a woolly hat and no heating on...he is aged 97yrs old and recently out of hospital.
who will ever see this man as meaningful or purposeful or necessary now.
I do for one, and i do so cos i feel the suffering of being cold and being worried.
this man is iconic of Ireland ALL of ireland. COLD.
brain dead and very cold.
and 'the woe is me' syndrome goes further.
i woke today dreading it.
i slept on the sofa until 4am, restless, depressed and physically in pain and mentally out of my brain with worry.
How can i manage on what i am expected to manage on?
You can tell people what you have and what you have not, no one will listen or acknowledge you or your own circumstances, they have their own.
you lie restless knowing there isn't anyone you can turn to, you have become isolated, weary and no amount of suffering will alert others to this fact. they have their own.
so you don't go to bed.
you scream inside, yearning so badly to be relieved of the depression caused by worry.
you do not want those few hours, if you get them of release in sleep only to wake, realise you are suffering and then burst into tears, knowing a full day is ahead and pretty much as yesterday was and the next day and the next.
there was a film once called 'the glass menagerie' i watched it as a young person on black and white tv.
it was about a young learning disabled girl who hit behind her four walls and collected crystal ornaments. when i saw the film i suddenly 'knew her' and never forgot her.
this is why i visit the elderly and have done since aged 18.
there is something in everyone, even if to most is meaningless.
but on a personal level you know too, that you are indeed very much like the elder man and the younger lady. there is a bit of me there on either end of the age continium.
dont forget who you are. you are a bit of everyone walking abroad.
but last night and every night i do know and understand the dilemma of worry, an economic and personal financial crash.
you also know about trust and about cheating and about distasteful people who are very real and you never knew they existed.
you know each day will merge one into the other.
that no one will phone to ask how you are or even visit with a cheery smile to chat.
you know this never does happen ever, not regularly and certainly so infrequently we are measuring this in months not days.
never to have the phone ring.
never to have a meal brought to your door in friendship and concern.
never being asked 'is there anything you would like me to do for you.'
never being asked out, for that meal, or stroll on the prom cup of tea.
Never being given much of anything that in whats called once, a christian society would have been most available. The little things that make the difference, as ringing someone is in the scheme of things, 'little.'
to understand hardship, sickness, disability, lonliness and isolation all wrapped up in one is about the hardest an individual can face on a daily basis.
so remember, hardship is in the 'feeling of it.'
and each person is the sum total of everyone else. So no different.
but what is different, what makes us what we should be, (intelligent beings), is the capacity to feel for another.
right now what i see, is a trotting by carelessly and a stepping over others with contempt, carelessness, lack of charity and lack of concern.
we are losing ourselves to a deep 'SOUL DEATH' and inaction is happening when a gentle touch of care in a small gesture or small gift is enough to lift a vulnerable person to the level of maybe even considering that 'its worth it after all'
dont wrap up your troubles in a small personal envelop, go out and share em, and chat with others and discuss the possibilities of getting out of trouble and sharing ideas for the collective, to get out of trouble, and these are things we can do, and we may have something to offer the other.
we usually do...if only we would SHARE the gifts we are lucky to posess.
sorry for the preachy tone, but the days have been dreary and i believe needlessly so.
most cannot overcome or triumph on their own.
most need a nudge up from others.
and being in the thick of depression as we are now people are actually beginning to do the 'step over him/her' trot.
Literally, its everyone for him/herself now and the feeling that its there, the feeling OF it, is sensed by everyone.
all are wrapped in envelopes of protection, against the world, yet in the world, for oneself and darn to everyone else in it.
a trash time to get the coppers mentality and a trash time of self pity too of 'i am having it real tough, no one understands how tough it is for me.'\
actually most do understand, but couldn't care less if you are or not.
we are walking away from hurt and pain and suffering of our fellow human beings instead of collectively shoring each other up in this time of need.
here is an example...i visit an elderly neighbour and find him wearing a woolly hat and no heating on...he is aged 97yrs old and recently out of hospital.
who will ever see this man as meaningful or purposeful or necessary now.
I do for one, and i do so cos i feel the suffering of being cold and being worried.
this man is iconic of Ireland ALL of ireland. COLD.
brain dead and very cold.
and 'the woe is me' syndrome goes further.
i woke today dreading it.
i slept on the sofa until 4am, restless, depressed and physically in pain and mentally out of my brain with worry.
How can i manage on what i am expected to manage on?
You can tell people what you have and what you have not, no one will listen or acknowledge you or your own circumstances, they have their own.
you lie restless knowing there isn't anyone you can turn to, you have become isolated, weary and no amount of suffering will alert others to this fact. they have their own.
so you don't go to bed.
you scream inside, yearning so badly to be relieved of the depression caused by worry.
you do not want those few hours, if you get them of release in sleep only to wake, realise you are suffering and then burst into tears, knowing a full day is ahead and pretty much as yesterday was and the next day and the next.
there was a film once called 'the glass menagerie' i watched it as a young person on black and white tv.
it was about a young learning disabled girl who hit behind her four walls and collected crystal ornaments. when i saw the film i suddenly 'knew her' and never forgot her.
this is why i visit the elderly and have done since aged 18.
there is something in everyone, even if to most is meaningless.
but on a personal level you know too, that you are indeed very much like the elder man and the younger lady. there is a bit of me there on either end of the age continium.
dont forget who you are. you are a bit of everyone walking abroad.
but last night and every night i do know and understand the dilemma of worry, an economic and personal financial crash.
you also know about trust and about cheating and about distasteful people who are very real and you never knew they existed.
you know each day will merge one into the other.
that no one will phone to ask how you are or even visit with a cheery smile to chat.
you know this never does happen ever, not regularly and certainly so infrequently we are measuring this in months not days.
never to have the phone ring.
never to have a meal brought to your door in friendship and concern.
never being asked 'is there anything you would like me to do for you.'
never being asked out, for that meal, or stroll on the prom cup of tea.
Never being given much of anything that in whats called once, a christian society would have been most available. The little things that make the difference, as ringing someone is in the scheme of things, 'little.'
to understand hardship, sickness, disability, lonliness and isolation all wrapped up in one is about the hardest an individual can face on a daily basis.
so remember, hardship is in the 'feeling of it.'
and each person is the sum total of everyone else. So no different.
but what is different, what makes us what we should be, (intelligent beings), is the capacity to feel for another.
right now what i see, is a trotting by carelessly and a stepping over others with contempt, carelessness, lack of charity and lack of concern.
we are losing ourselves to a deep 'SOUL DEATH' and inaction is happening when a gentle touch of care in a small gesture or small gift is enough to lift a vulnerable person to the level of maybe even considering that 'its worth it after all'
dont wrap up your troubles in a small personal envelop, go out and share em, and chat with others and discuss the possibilities of getting out of trouble and sharing ideas for the collective, to get out of trouble, and these are things we can do, and we may have something to offer the other.
we usually do...if only we would SHARE the gifts we are lucky to posess.
sorry for the preachy tone, but the days have been dreary and i believe needlessly so.
most cannot overcome or triumph on their own.
most need a nudge up from others.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
BREAKDOWN...BREAKDOWN...BREAKDOWN....
This is a considered email of a person i know,
an email sent to every TD she has been in contact over these past few years as a person with severe disabilities.
Please see her breakdown of her basic payment through Disability Pension :
in total
Payments Deductions
Flat 193.50 Phon: 20.00
Fuel 20 ESB: 15.00
Laa 7.70
Tot Pmts 221.20 Total Deductions 35.00
Total amount received 186.20 THIS IS WHAT I AM LEFT EACH WEEK TO LIVE ON - not including deductions made now for the following:
Prescription medications :
Lyrica
morphine patch
paracetamol
mepacrine
sulpha quinnine
entocort
eltroxin
macular degeneration meds 18etooth paste to save teeth as effected by sjogrens syndrome 17e
rivitril
nexium
fish oils - brain nourishment 10e
eye drops gel
drops
creams
ceoliac pasta/cornflakes/breads eradicated from med list 25e per week at least (no tax rebate as i do not work)
12 chargeable items now TREBLED in cost leaving a bill per month for myself of - 19e monthly
Cost of my medication per month will now be 18e
17e
10
25
19
_____________ 89.60 per month in costs.
my weekly pension after deductions at source is now - 186.20 if i divide my med bill in four i will then deduct again from this the sum of
22.25 leaving me with a basic living fund of 103.95e
this does not include Coal
- van insurance - petrol
- VHI payment ( i certainly could not quarentee best practise for crohns surgery to the public health sector with the high incidents of post-operative infections, my first surgery nearly saw me die in @@@@@ from post op infections, see their latest rating on this matter)!.
- phone bill.
please explain to me how on earth i am to live on this?
in the last few budgets i saw my basic rate of disabilty pension cut twice and an increase of medication payments.
to consider major items for my disability have already been funded this year
- repair to my mobility scooter - 500e
- acquiring a Lidl rollator 99e
- spoon and knife 37e I refused to pay this - specialised protective clothing in summer as the sun rays are so damaging to Lupus patients
- specialised wrap around sun glasses to protect eyes from sun, loss of moisture and cornea damage - see conditions above.
- back supports for computer chair.
- hearing aids E1.500e eachwhat you have done to me has beggared me
threatened my peace of mind
put the fear of god into me for my future
left me cold this winter (there isnt any oil in the tank at present)
i am fearful of best medical practise at the mercy of a very suspect local hospital.
I hope you sleep well in your bed tonight after seeing the above detailed outpouring of one sick individual living alone in this state where the European charter for people with disabilities has not been ratified, when all other european states have done so.
if anyone call inform me how a person can live on this with the cost of living here in Ireland higher than most of the rest of europe and add on taxes, levies, and so on so forth.
this is one individual and there are many many more that this goverment has brought to its knees in utter terror.
this email had received no acknowledgement this morning and i will await with held breath to see if one comes, on second thoughts maybe i should not, for i then would surely die for lack of oxygen.
Don't you just love politicians especially the ones devoted to being Leftish creative, eg our labour party?
Labour, you will never get my vote again ever. If i can help it, neither will people with disabilities ever believe you are on our left side serving us, the ones who depend on good decisions being made on our behalf.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
very few shades of colour in disability
you get simply one colour and it is called - TIRED...does it have its complete complimentary, yes, ALIVE.
and being disabled is just about as dead as you can get, inside.
but not because you are you...
...you can be VERY PROUD of 'you' but you can not be ALLOWED to be proud.
the most we get is wait for it and do not be alarmed...the most we get it...ABUSE.
there are many colours to this one we do know that.
the worst being, your word...that is, YOUR word.
are you believed if you say a reasonable statement in arguement, no.
are you considered sane often? no.
the professionals can dress in any shirt or dress, they are a collective evil against equality.
they ban together like glue in order to support each other one with the other against...the individual, in this instance, the disabled.
how many disabled people are believed in a case of a health dispute?
if you say 'well, actually she left me without...'
'ah no she didnt, you are imagining that, ' or 'i believe my' oh yes.
in other words, you are a pathological liar with murderous intent with violent tendencies, when even you raise your voice in distress.
when you raise your voice in distress, its called being 'abusive' in my country.
if you complain and ask for review on the person who wronged you the review gets twisted so badly it ends with, 'this review finds that in order to get...you have to apologise first!'
yes!
so someone may have said or done something to or against you as a disabled person and you put in a complaint, only to find that the review decided that you brought all this on yourself so if you want them there services, apologise and you will get em...
there is one thing i can say about my country ireland, it was born on the back of deceit and we lived and survived by wit alone, decades of it, since cave times, a little island going no where fast had to try to survive in the rise of the powers all around, how they did that was by back handers, sliming, deceit and in modern day, brown envelopes and back handers.
and the collective rounding on others to save face.
do i believe for instance that faith SHOULD BE PLACED with the HSE TO hold enquiries into what happened a young woman denied the right to abortion and so die, no i dont.
in a small part of ireland on the other side of the same country, a disabled person has been so demonised within a snuff of a request for review you would think that person is the devil incarnate.
if you think i say wrong here, you can ask for an eminent person in another country, as we say, an independent witness if i personally say wrong here, that person will say...no.
i have watched the process, and seen how bad it is becoming.
we are what we are, a vicious, conniving, self serving, grovelling little pest of a country who no more has honest peoples' lives in their heart than our friend who is frying down there in hell..that one with the horns and fire.
and being disabled is just about as dead as you can get, inside.
but not because you are you...
...you can be VERY PROUD of 'you' but you can not be ALLOWED to be proud.
the most we get is wait for it and do not be alarmed...the most we get it...ABUSE.
there are many colours to this one we do know that.
the worst being, your word...that is, YOUR word.
are you believed if you say a reasonable statement in arguement, no.
are you considered sane often? no.
the professionals can dress in any shirt or dress, they are a collective evil against equality.
they ban together like glue in order to support each other one with the other against...the individual, in this instance, the disabled.
how many disabled people are believed in a case of a health dispute?
if you say 'well, actually she left me without...'
'ah no she didnt, you are imagining that, ' or 'i believe my' oh yes.
in other words, you are a pathological liar with murderous intent with violent tendencies, when even you raise your voice in distress.
when you raise your voice in distress, its called being 'abusive' in my country.
if you complain and ask for review on the person who wronged you the review gets twisted so badly it ends with, 'this review finds that in order to get...you have to apologise first!'
yes!
so someone may have said or done something to or against you as a disabled person and you put in a complaint, only to find that the review decided that you brought all this on yourself so if you want them there services, apologise and you will get em...
there is one thing i can say about my country ireland, it was born on the back of deceit and we lived and survived by wit alone, decades of it, since cave times, a little island going no where fast had to try to survive in the rise of the powers all around, how they did that was by back handers, sliming, deceit and in modern day, brown envelopes and back handers.
and the collective rounding on others to save face.
do i believe for instance that faith SHOULD BE PLACED with the HSE TO hold enquiries into what happened a young woman denied the right to abortion and so die, no i dont.
in a small part of ireland on the other side of the same country, a disabled person has been so demonised within a snuff of a request for review you would think that person is the devil incarnate.
if you think i say wrong here, you can ask for an eminent person in another country, as we say, an independent witness if i personally say wrong here, that person will say...no.
i have watched the process, and seen how bad it is becoming.
we are what we are, a vicious, conniving, self serving, grovelling little pest of a country who no more has honest peoples' lives in their heart than our friend who is frying down there in hell..that one with the horns and fire.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
important to record
in the context of world change a person is only as truthful as the records they keep as life moves on...this way the truth is presented fresh at every recounting.
note taking is a guarantor that truth does not become distorted over time..
as long as you are truthful in the first place.
lets watch how note taking can go.....
how many times did the HSE discuss your adaptation grant with you...the circular amongst the professionals being that contact with awww was 17 times.
maybe so but what does awww say...she says, contact was made seventeen times..for what...the first was introduction to the area, followed by broken wheelchair followed by two broken scooters followed by a crashed van and so on and so on, also to try out the powered wheelchairs and to arrange the time of day and the day that all came so it could be done.
that makes 17...did you discuss the adaptation grant?
yes...how and when?
well i met the OT to discuss it.
did you discuss.
sort of.
what happened then...i said what i wished for to help me in the home...
do you think you were heard
no
why
she stayed about ten minutes and said she only ever did bathrooms and kitchens and she had not done them in a long time
out the door and a verbal recount with Dr. Raging Wheels
what has happened with the grant
well...i got it
has anything been done
no
why
well they only ever did bathrooms so they demand i get a whack of a wet room
do you need it
no
i have other disabilities that could far better be served with this small amount of grant
ah so.
well nothing then
ah so.........er no..........nervous breakdown looming
regarding professional speak one has to be very precise and reasonable.
why do you need a wet room and twin never needed this and had two bathrooms escaping the glance of the OT on the trot
well see, you (that is me) have a neurodegenerative disorder your sister has parkinsons.
i kid you not!
ah yes soooo.
eh then, is parkinsons not a neurodegenerative disorder?
or did the note taking go a bit array and my neuro used the word 'degenerative' and her's
'parkinsons.
note taking accurately is so important but more useful if you tell the truth and have your facts right and actually know what you are talking about
my note taking today consists of
-rang the neurologist
rang the rheumy in London. i get an answer from them, still waiting for the neurologist.
then i rang the health centre
will we go 'why?' again?
ah yes.
i collapsed;
i got no return call back
nor from the hse whom i also called
i went down to the health centre
they cannot do nothing about being unable to put in place my five hours a week home help/
i am funded with the funding for the under 65's and twin is funded from the fund for the over 65's/
i kid you not!
why
well.....heeeeeheeeee heeee heee (wait for it)
she has parkinsons and i dont!!!
now if you are still with me and understand note taking and understand the above, please let me know.
i am now off to have the nervous breakdown with my chihuahuas on top of me and a one eyed teddy needing loving.
i am also saving on the electricity bills.......get a chihuahua or two, especially one that is prone to bite...a hse official.
note taking is a guarantor that truth does not become distorted over time..
as long as you are truthful in the first place.
lets watch how note taking can go.....
how many times did the HSE discuss your adaptation grant with you...the circular amongst the professionals being that contact with awww was 17 times.
maybe so but what does awww say...she says, contact was made seventeen times..for what...the first was introduction to the area, followed by broken wheelchair followed by two broken scooters followed by a crashed van and so on and so on, also to try out the powered wheelchairs and to arrange the time of day and the day that all came so it could be done.
that makes 17...did you discuss the adaptation grant?
yes...how and when?
well i met the OT to discuss it.
did you discuss.
sort of.
what happened then...i said what i wished for to help me in the home...
do you think you were heard
no
why
she stayed about ten minutes and said she only ever did bathrooms and kitchens and she had not done them in a long time
out the door and a verbal recount with Dr. Raging Wheels
what has happened with the grant
well...i got it
has anything been done
no
why
well they only ever did bathrooms so they demand i get a whack of a wet room
do you need it
no
i have other disabilities that could far better be served with this small amount of grant
ah so.
well nothing then
ah so.........er no..........nervous breakdown looming
regarding professional speak one has to be very precise and reasonable.
why do you need a wet room and twin never needed this and had two bathrooms escaping the glance of the OT on the trot
well see, you (that is me) have a neurodegenerative disorder your sister has parkinsons.
i kid you not!
ah yes soooo.
eh then, is parkinsons not a neurodegenerative disorder?
or did the note taking go a bit array and my neuro used the word 'degenerative' and her's
'parkinsons.
note taking accurately is so important but more useful if you tell the truth and have your facts right and actually know what you are talking about
my note taking today consists of
-rang the neurologist
rang the rheumy in London. i get an answer from them, still waiting for the neurologist.
then i rang the health centre
will we go 'why?' again?
ah yes.
i collapsed;
i got no return call back
nor from the hse whom i also called
i went down to the health centre
they cannot do nothing about being unable to put in place my five hours a week home help/
i am funded with the funding for the under 65's and twin is funded from the fund for the over 65's/
i kid you not!
why
well.....heeeeeheeeee heeee heee (wait for it)
she has parkinsons and i dont!!!
now if you are still with me and understand note taking and understand the above, please let me know.
i am now off to have the nervous breakdown with my chihuahuas on top of me and a one eyed teddy needing loving.
i am also saving on the electricity bills.......get a chihuahua or two, especially one that is prone to bite...a hse official.
Monday, November 5, 2012
being autistic is no crime
the day i realised i was autistic...today...pain people give me every waking hour i couldnt take it. weeping i wrapped up well and stepped into the garden...i went over to the swingseat, darkness all around, frosty air, stars and stars and stars...where did i go to? I went to a place of utter peace inside...everything was as it should be, the air whisked by, there were twinkles and dreamy all around, no sound bar hush and breeze, no real light of day, no sound of barking dogs or knowledge of a human within sight...i found who i am and always was...not for here amongst the humans, but amongst that of wonder...yesterday a long time friend, my only one really announced to me that she never knew anyone who had such a lust for life and seeing the best in just about everything, despite obvious hardship. i answered 'i love life' but i say here, i do not love human beings, especially those that are around me.
I adore the chihauhaus and the out of doors, these all are living, and its a part of that i belong to...not humans...i suddenly at 59 knew and felt the autistic i have been finally diagnosed with.
I adore the chihauhaus and the out of doors, these all are living, and its a part of that i belong to...not humans...i suddenly at 59 knew and felt the autistic i have been finally diagnosed with.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
there isnt much to think about any more
i wondered again today what is the point in it all.
am i right to be defeatist when i really want to stay very attached to life and positivity?
is it actually the real me or is it not?
suddenly i begin to feel very outside of self now.
i have so little joy in my heart right now.
Ireland is turning into a country i rather not even admit belonging to, being a citizen of, and being proud of.
we destroy far more than lift up and is it particularly irish to rip through someone as in pick on a persons foibles, character traits and personality like the bully in the school yard?
it is a sign that my country refuses to grow up.
we wil remain ever the 'paddy whacky' irish.
to see Enda on the cover of Time magazine, all shopped is a bit ludicrous.
world leader eh? our enda?
when he stands up and says we are a 'modern society' what exactly does he mean?
does he mean that by reducing disability pensions, reducing home help hours, reducing Personal assistants, stop funding for special shoes, stop funding for electric wheelchairs, stop funding for special needs school assistance he can make Ireland a tiger again?
He cannot.
when you start a reductionist programme which will wipe us out as in sedate us out or put us away into the nursing homes, reduce us to nervous wrecks at this possibility, reduce us to anxiety beyond which we can endure and have us throw the tantrums of despair that then has others throw their hands up an declare, 'i told you so, she is a right daughter of a bitch!'
and you are reduced to crying under the cover of darkness at how you have been brought so low in your confidence, self esteem and the need to roar like a lion in the face of the impending stampede of the tiger!
so you cannot walk tall anymore, or even walk at all. they have stopped funding for shoes, wheelchairs and only provide you with a victorian adaptive aid, the good old stick but this time not wood but composite steel.
we will have a stick for the blind and a stick for the deaf, a stick for the lame and a stick for everyone in the audience soon.
you wont get much else in the goodie bag anymore.
wracked in pain too causes the tantrums.
your spine is closing over and you are on three different types of pain killers including morphine.
you do not have physiotherapy nor no chance of getting to a specialist in pain relief any way soon.
when your new home help does a sickie on the day before she is supposed to start working in my home, also could cause the tantrum.
Recap on the life of one disabled Irish woman:
no home help
no physiotherapy
no special shoes
no wheelchair (electric)
no visitors
no support for having asperger or ptsd
no relief from stress or anxiety of what will happen me and the twin sister.
plenty of
anxiety
depression
lonliness
pain
despair
boredom
futility
all caused by Enda's modern society and how he is going to make us rich again.
Hi Enda, hello Enda, are you there Enda, will you have a photo of me?
Do i want one of you?
No Enda.
good bye Enda, will you End-a?
am i right to be defeatist when i really want to stay very attached to life and positivity?
is it actually the real me or is it not?
suddenly i begin to feel very outside of self now.
i have so little joy in my heart right now.
Ireland is turning into a country i rather not even admit belonging to, being a citizen of, and being proud of.
we destroy far more than lift up and is it particularly irish to rip through someone as in pick on a persons foibles, character traits and personality like the bully in the school yard?
it is a sign that my country refuses to grow up.
we wil remain ever the 'paddy whacky' irish.
to see Enda on the cover of Time magazine, all shopped is a bit ludicrous.
world leader eh? our enda?
when he stands up and says we are a 'modern society' what exactly does he mean?
does he mean that by reducing disability pensions, reducing home help hours, reducing Personal assistants, stop funding for special shoes, stop funding for electric wheelchairs, stop funding for special needs school assistance he can make Ireland a tiger again?
He cannot.
when you start a reductionist programme which will wipe us out as in sedate us out or put us away into the nursing homes, reduce us to nervous wrecks at this possibility, reduce us to anxiety beyond which we can endure and have us throw the tantrums of despair that then has others throw their hands up an declare, 'i told you so, she is a right daughter of a bitch!'
and you are reduced to crying under the cover of darkness at how you have been brought so low in your confidence, self esteem and the need to roar like a lion in the face of the impending stampede of the tiger!
so you cannot walk tall anymore, or even walk at all. they have stopped funding for shoes, wheelchairs and only provide you with a victorian adaptive aid, the good old stick but this time not wood but composite steel.
we will have a stick for the blind and a stick for the deaf, a stick for the lame and a stick for everyone in the audience soon.
you wont get much else in the goodie bag anymore.
wracked in pain too causes the tantrums.
your spine is closing over and you are on three different types of pain killers including morphine.
you do not have physiotherapy nor no chance of getting to a specialist in pain relief any way soon.
when your new home help does a sickie on the day before she is supposed to start working in my home, also could cause the tantrum.
Recap on the life of one disabled Irish woman:
no home help
no physiotherapy
no special shoes
no wheelchair (electric)
no visitors
no support for having asperger or ptsd
no relief from stress or anxiety of what will happen me and the twin sister.
plenty of
anxiety
depression
lonliness
pain
despair
boredom
futility
all caused by Enda's modern society and how he is going to make us rich again.
Hi Enda, hello Enda, are you there Enda, will you have a photo of me?
Do i want one of you?
No Enda.
good bye Enda, will you End-a?
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