a thinkable scribble again say...

Yes, as i sit here listening to the washing machine whirr and watching my sis reading i am alone with the thoughts and the laptop.
the patio door is open, i look out into darkness, and wonder is it a worry to sit like this when i am in the East End of London, on a short trip?
will a short trip end or will someone else trip into the bolt hole i am in right now?
well, lets believe no one will do any tripping in and shortly i shall shut them doors, cos once the clock strikes a certain hour, one must not invite the trippers but stop em even feeling encouraged to trip under cover of darkness, and weakness...
now for the planned scribble and scribbling.

its about 'what is it about' and its about 'i want to be independent til the day i pop my clogs, no trippers welcomed here.
When i mean independent, many will wonder why i use such a word.
Independent is what most believe they are!
I believe i am.
i will be right in that, an all are when they believe they are independent.
so what exactly does this word mean...and in what context.
there are several grades of independence until you reach that grade that is 'dependent.'
the first being the total.
the total independent..as in young independents, married independents, and economic independents.
and then the grades either rise or get lower depending on the words and ways you would like.
my independence is 'under threat' that is, i have it in abundance, in my mind...and i have it in abundance in my ability as i see it.
what i dont have is the first grader of independence, that is the young, married and economically with-it independent.
I am just above that or below..all depends...i guess.
i need a bit of help..in being independent?
does that mean i aint inde?
i am inde..very much inde...
so what does it mean 'a bit of help?'
well the wealthy say they 'need a bit of help' and pay for it, so that they can enjoy a better 'quality' (debateable), but i say 'i need a bit of help' to enjoy life...defo inde in my view.
so please someone take away the strain that floors my body...not my mind and will i want to add... but the body.
my body like anyones is inclined to defect from its responsibilities to hold its owner upright in a fit and able manner.
so thats why i need help.
for the body is weak and the spirit is willing..to be independent.
so i get the help, but at a cost...to the state, actually.
why is this important?
for many reasons.
the society we have today demands of itself not to help many in their midst.
family structures are not as tight as they were, for individualism and materialism has joined all the other isms to create selfish..isms.
and they are many.
but when we say that the state gives help to a body falling apart it also has a rebound effect on society.
it upholds the law of averages.
that is, people get paid for being a helper, and so a job is created.
a job which is now a precious thing to have.
in this instance we have two helpers in the equasion, one is helping the other in paid employment and the other is helping the tudder to live. that is quality for two and each then cancels out the other.
neither are dependents.
this useful sort of thinking is vital.  this is the thinking that has to be entertained.
and so if we bring this further, paid help for a body breaking up and down, releases others of responsibilities.  it doesnt nor release them from the moral responsibility of caring for others, no.  that goes without saying.  goes without saying for this is the law of being human.
but the release being the burden on those who may be too heavily burdened to help much.
help a little yes, help much no.
if all understand the way this works, no one will feel the guilt that is there when you see a loved one breaking down and up and all ways.
its to understand.
when i say i want to be independent.  this is a right.
the is a basic human right.
more and more, again in our wonderful enlightened society, people are being put away, under the guise of 'its for the best.'
that too, is debateable.
for whose 'best' we now have to consider.
when we put people away and shut them out of society we do something to society.
we defo down all the tools of moral responsibilty.
no human is meant to be shut out of the community for expediency.
all have a role to play no matter how small.
All will end up as a weakened body, a hurt body, a painful body.  All go through this at levels i describe.
what do you want for yourselves. we have to ask this question.
is it that the children put you away as soon as possible and will you be angry, will you feel that its intolerable.
will you also feel depressed?
you will.
i have seen this too often.
i have seen and witnessed utter despair of abandonment in such places as homes for the elderly.
none are nice, with the best will in the world they are not nice.
the elderly know why they are there.  to die.
be under no illusion.
the day you are brought in your fluffy slippers, in the car of your children to the gates of the 'nursing home,' is the day you cease to exist to all and sundry.
you are now entering the last level of life.  that is just letting the body do what it does, disintegrate.
in the process nothing else is allowed do anything.
you cannot exercise your thoughts well, you are not heard.
you cannot participate in community and society, you are not let.
you are told to take the mashed potatoes and the laxative and let us 'take over' your 'care.'
and its for the best.
no its not.
its for the dying process.
I am independent and will remain so, in this process a young woman or other is putting food on the table, contributing to her society, she is getting a just wage for a good and just job.
she is helping another LIVE!

well i am where the 'riots were!'
East London.
this is a good dollup of medicine i have to say, today.
we do the rich thing by going to the Lupus Centre and get the boot camp type run over by the medic there, then you get the medicine.  East Hackney.
No surer place to put yourself in your place.
poverty here is reeking from the market stalls, is etched on the haggard faces of mostly the africans and the muslims around here.
young children have kids hanging out of them.  that is teenagers now entering the adult role and world prematurely.
but then they do that at home as well.  but here it just seems way beyond the odds that they will surmount the bloody agony of disadvantage, lack of resources and chances.
they now have a kid dependent on them.  some will have this in the solitary capacity of the unwed, single mother.
you can see in the melee around here, how riots happened in the first place.
this is a melting pot for diversity but all disadvantaged.
this is not a place that the good lord major will chose to see, walk or stutt the stuff of these people.
this is not the place where they can even imagine.
i am more lowly they they and i couldnt have imagined this sort of living if i had not done a bit of strutting along the roads here.
forget it mate, when you whine the pain of middle class angst against the world.
there is no whining here, they is laughter and fun and colour and mess.
but the mess too is seen in the shabby clothing, no it isnt shabby chique, when i see this word what will it mean to me again?
it will not be the chique part, if i have spelt that right.
to stress out a fashion wear or furniture is not acceptable around here, for it reflects not recycling in the most honoured, it is reflecting recycling as a necessity, not for a green good earth goer
i am quite sick now of difference when i see it everywhere.
give me please a society that will honour its people with education and equal opportunity.
democracy has not provided that, so what will?

I had an interesting day at the office for sure.

almost two years of anxiety and involvement with the law enforcement agency in my little country of Ireland, played on my twin's and my mind.
I have  never been accused of a criminal offense before and certainly never anticipated ending at the local court room for petty criminals and traffic offenders, alcoholics and causing an affray!

a certain little missie of a garda, who was shifted promptly to the midlands, who was reprimanded by the Garda Ombudsman decided she was going to have 'her day in court,' well not so.
she did a sickie on this one!

she neither supplied the court with prosecution documents to the defense which she was requested by the courts to do before now, before today.  she evidently didnt get much support for her argument.
so on a warm autumn day my twin and i dressed in our finary turned up at the court room in our wheelchairs.  (Do you know how hard a courtroom bench is)?
we were early and i rang the solicitor worried, had we turned up on wrong day and had i missed my day in court, to be slapped with penalty points and a fine, all for the lack of turning up!
no court started at 2pm so we were ok.
a large woman with a strange haircut passed us.
she was wearing a sort of trench coat like the tv soap detective, the little guy who shuffled around in a battered car, whats his name?
anyway she passed and asked "you ann?' i answered in the affirmative.
"dont worry" she said kindly, "the Garda has gone out sick she aint turning up!" she told us that the case would be dropped.
along came our solicitor, with the bat ears.
nice guy, friendly today, much refreshed after the month of august off, very refreshed and refreshingly pleasant.
we chatted there for all to see out side the local crim court, about my dad's golf ball approach from the tee off.   we talked about his humour, his giving up cigarettes at 70 in order to stretch them legs around the course to whack the wee ball from tee to hole
funny game really.
anyway we then turned attention to our mother.
poor ma, she was a fantastic golf player, coming to the sport late in life she achieved the unthinkable. reaching handicap three in just as many years.  and was passed over as too elderly for the womans international golf team, mum never forgot that.
of her personality she was summed up as singular and formidable.
the solicitor remarked that 'she took no prisoners' which she didnt and the fact that 'she didnt suffer fools lightly' which she didnt.
on leaving court with a clear driving license i remarked to my twin, that I TOO did not take prisoners and i would see this little madam in the courts again for the worry she had put me through.
words are inadequate for what she did to us.
i came home and stripped, took the teeth out and lay up on the swinger in the yard.
gud it was great to be a free woman!
one problem has bit the dust, and we move on to the next.
and there are very much nexts indeed, indeed.
we have to source a house, see if i can get grants to upgrade a 'possible' we are to see on tuesday.
i am trying also to have my social housing unit boarded up with its contents inside and be moved into a safer environment in the interim of moving away from this county.
how can it be expected of me to pay for the priviledge of bringing a hammer to the bed with me?
this is a question that has no answers it seems with the professionals.
i have an answer but it doesnt hold much sway.
i should not be expect either to bring a hammer to bed with me or pay for this and pay for trauma on a daily basis, in essence.
i pay to be intimidated and face problems with men who just dont seem to want me here and resent me.
posh accent, which i cannot eradicate and no, i dont have the money to follow this.  i am as disadvantaged as they are, surely this is a fact they simply must know?
do flowers on a van make me a wealthier person?
an old tank of a commercial van with suspect origin and cranked up and down systems which is darn hard to drive for a person with muscle difficulties and pain.
i am not driving the latest plush by any means.
this goes i am snookered absolutely.

we then have great things happening on the national platform - we have a budget shortly, warned to be of a strong nature for us on the bottom, gud dont touch my disab pension nor that of the elderly.
do not touch my perks to get me through the winter in heating etc.
but of course they will touch em. they have done and will again.
those on the top of the economic divide has found no recession, there has not been one and a noted commentated fact.
then we have media out there now rooting out stuff in our social awareness and the way we threat more less able, the people 'put away' for convenience.
as in Mary Raftery's programme, 'behind these walls.' RTE tv.
not many responded to the shocking revelations, which also says a lot for the irish people,there wasnt exactly an outcry.
this has to be subject for debate within the university degree courses, on philosophy and psychology and also sociology for how can it be that not much of a squeak was made of the fact that we put away 21,000 of our own, behind grim high walls all for the reason of being different and for getting in the way of the farms and the inheritors of the farms.
does anyone understand the 'insulin coma' therapy lark?
yes, this is what i agreed to if i went into hospital as a voluntary patient.
read up on this scandelous practise, basically putting us into a diabetic coma, thinking that after a while comatose that once brought round, you would be cured of your malaise.
i never knew i was signing for coma therapy or ect if they wished to administer this.
you are usually in a mess at the doors of a psych hospital when 20 something and terrified of the world.
i had many times the wish "lock me away and get me out of here" attitude. i wish i was told that the world was not so frightening and 'i will help you lass, to learn to cope with the worst of it.'
but no, behaviour presentations of fears, anxiety and terror of another human person was equated with sort of lunacy, insanity or at least, just a tad bit wanting and psychologically challenged.
in a respect to them i probably was a bit challenged but i dont think with any stretch of the imagination that diabetic comas or blasting my head with electricity would make me any less terrified of people.
now as a response to be in the 'system' men and doctors are killer machines and i am terrified of ending in a hopsital now for stigma of mental illness in ireland remains very poor.
we still have to address major human rights negligence against us and them, the less accomplished in life, when it comes to brain function in the sphere of interactiong and interconnecting.
lets not wish it on another that they should be so challenged for sure.
i still believe i can be let die as considered delusional and malingering.
not so.
Life now is cutting edge to stay alive and enjoy the moment, the fact i never 'made it' in society or in economic terms is totally irrelevant.
the fact i tried to be part of it and ask for help is relevant to the way the health system works here.
dont get me started down that route.

my twin has noticed how weak the service providers are, how unwilling they are to step above their station to fight for the rights of their clients.
the feeling within them that they are unable to do this, outside their brief, and that is all up to their boss.
yep university graduates!
also a fact that stuff gets processed so slowly here and sometimes not at all.
the longer you wait and stall, you may think the client has forgotten and given up.
not this client!
'ah sorry, i have not been back to you,' says the social worker advocate, can she explain it.
nay, she made a phone call to someone, couldnt get her and just kinda let it all fall apart and didnt know what to do next so bail out for five months, thus leaving a client high and dry and she getting paid for that.
dispute over whether she was pregnant and about to produce a baby is also irrelevent for someone should have looked at the books for surely they would have found a paper file with my name on it and sourced the advocate, especially the one not pregnant.
no one told the non pregnant advocate that her client was looking for her.
she just had a different middle name initial from the pregnant one.
but also emails had been swinging to her email address and they were all ignored.
'sorry, i am sorry, i have no explanation for you.' was all she could mutter.
my explanation on this lassis is you jumped ship thats what!
you jumped out on this one my girl.
such is the irish professionalism. its grand to be the irish citizen.
but one thing the twin has noticed, we do talk to each other, we do converse, like leaping out of a parked car to admire the furballs one has in tow and mutter that they feel dogs are better than humans.
oh and chat on the high road of the school you went to, and she knew someone there, and did you know for fact that the Archbisop beside the school sent messages to the chief nun in our convent to remonstrate with our teachers for letting us do handstands thus exposing the knickers.
oh yes, he did, and how did he discover that we were exposing knickers?
well he had a telescope trained on the lawns of the convent grounds, how else.
oh and he also kept a jersey cow, whatever that has to do with it.
but he did keep a cow, it was a fine cow too, lovely eyes, gorgeous cow. really lovely lovely cow!
amen to that.

overload of thoughts and social comment

Ireland and small minded professionals.
whether i can say it is small mindedness, will be for another to confirm but to me it is just this usually based on ignorance and lack of confidence.
It DOES take confidence to face a system, which you know as an 'insider' is rotten and unjust.
to do so would require bravery to step above the parapet to state professional opinion.
we are not good at this here.
but within certain state ranks and our health service ranks this should not be so...for few get the sack on this one...as long as people do not do outrageous things, irish professionals are not known to be doing outrageous things, especially in being proactive to ethics and morality and fair play.
the small mindedness is taking offense when someone points out to them that they are doing a bloody awful job, recently such a statement was made, yes, by myself to a health official.
i felt he was, being the local primary care team social worker he didnt even know the chief medical officer who 'weights' disabled tenants points for housing and on the rehousing lists and who can be contacted in times of crisis, but this bloke didnt even know who he was, even though he said he sent a letter in to him!
how can you do that if you dont know he exists?
this is a worse kind of ignorance.
to take offense of your professionalism being question and not terribly nicely, but one must transcend these personal attacks from traumatised women, as i was to try get meself out of bandit country.  they should be noted in context, firstly and this is done by assessing the trauma, viewing the persons state and needs and assessing why the person has been so obnoxious, firstly and is it from bloody viciousness or born out of stress. in my case it was borne out of stress and terror.
i apologised and explained further that i was no saint and cannot be a saint in adversity but did apologise for my remarks indeed and meant it!
therapy is being processed as we speak - for me not the victim of 'alledged abuse'  ah we have used a phrase i hate in this context!
words can be abusive, but does that make the conservation so wrong that it is considered abusing a person?
you can say a person has made an inappropiate personal attack, or a person has been hasty in their remark but can you call it down right abusive.
very few of outrageous comments are abusive, they are hurt full and out of order, abusive all depends but most dont come into that catagory, otherwise we would have the whole world up on abuse charges of a magnitude hither unknown.

Irish to be a triving new country and modern country, irish professional who have the qualifications and thus the courage of their status should grovelling and snivveling around their seniors, we are an age where team work in health service is what it is about.  a social worker should be able to voice as seriously as a consultant, and should have the means to change structures if they feel strongly about things.
they should also take it upon themselves to report incidents where she/he feels are being neglectful and be able to effect change.
not so to say to a victim that 'oh it wouldnt be my position to go to the minister for health.'
her boss would have to do that! so she cannot be independent of thought, ethic and nor independent in speech, surely this is not a democracy where the lowly worker has no say in the grander picture, especially when her say would be valuable for she is at the coal face of things.
on a note of query on this one, should anybody be extremely harrassed and traumatised in her neighbourhood have to pay rent for this priviledge?  why should a sick and vulnerable woman be accompanied to bed with a hammer on the sidetable?
why should a sick and disabled person pay for this priviledge via her disability pension.
she is pay to live in unsuitable social housing unit, its threatening to her psyche and body and she still has to pay for this.
what are the rights of the tenants in this case and also what are the duties of the landlord.
when a landlords states they will get over the difficulty of how and where i can do my physiotherpy programme promised at home, that promise to overcome inability to do this had not materialised and not much of the other suggestions made at the time been delivered.
two people sign a social housing agreement and i want to see the forms which we sign to see if i am the only one who should suffer!
out i want and out fast.
i want my shelter boarded up by the council and myself removed to a safe area/haven until i can secure my own home.
i am engaging in something to morrow that surely makes me more than a bit nervious.
this is proving quite hilarious at this point.
kinda bizzarre so i shall get back in her to be able to tell the tale.
take care

Organising your last 'phase' in life

I am calling this my 'wake up call' blog.
its not just about myself, its everyone and it is everyone because all countries, all states and all health systems and economic structuring are mitigating against 'difference and disability.\
if you cannot provide in the mix of the economic financial coffers, you are in effect, a burden to the state.
where democracy is going in all this is beyond me.
the thinking now in all countries is 'walk over, walk by and think not of those less able.\
This is FACT!
not a comment, an off the cuff comment by an aggrieved single person with a disability.
No, this is FACT.  If i was not such a disabled person i would still say it as FACT.
and why?
I am THE expert on 'Differenct' i am a living different person!
i live in the lower as it appears, stratum of society.
I am disabled, single, unemployed, on benefits, in social housing and compromised with poor sight, hearing and psychological make up, i am apserger!
so do i qualify amply to say what i say.
How can any other than the lower stratum speak of such things?
for a person entering a Life less Lived, i had to struggle with the economics.  I started in the decline of the 70's which saw my twin leave due to the 'state of the nation' and i pretty much end in the complete and utter bottomed out state, and i end on the bottom literally and metaphorically.
Nothing changed for me from the 70's. there was no meteoric rise out of poverty and disadvantage and most of the Life Less Lived was trying to do just this, get up there Ann and be with the best of them"
Didnt make it folks, and made enemies on the way.
That is Big time enemies.
try overcome basic truths, yep - i was a slasher in the Life Less Lived, slashed though the corn fields of rich abundance like a field mouse, with teeth!
i slashed my way to the A&E's that is our wonderful health system.
i was stitched and sent away.
i overdosed, pumped and sent away.
i drank into a comatose state, nearly entered a Life FAR BETTER to live and sent away.
i entered that zone of the 'Near Death experience" and sent on my way.
Tis was a pretty practised structure for me to get out of the brain of unbearable discomfort to Live this Life Less Lived.
it was decidedly uncomfortable to life at all, period.
So what have i friggin learnt?
well for starters, there are a lot of people like myself.
Not EXACTLY like myself but pretty much, we are collectively the sort of scrap-heap, you know, "ah here comes trouble"
do anyone really understand what they say when they say this.
For them such as i might be perceived as Trouble, for me i was damn and darn troubled, i was troubled and i caused trouble being so trouble.
Does that make me less, i mean apart from the difference I am still pretty much the same as anyone else.
i have them bones, them blood and them brain, eyes and ears, some of which are and increasingly are completely and utterly dysfuctional.
that said, i just wanted to live in peace and feel part of the human race.
woe is me i dont feel anyone gave me half that chance.
try it when one has a dysfunctional body and well, did i mate, did i ask my mother and father to join up "one last time" to pro-create the magnificent?
well they got what they asked for, it is a well known fact that the mother didnt want any more than two and the mother attempted the Billings Method, oh yes, another tragedy of Roman Catholic thinking - and it is still ongoing as i speak.
so we have two, yep i have doubled up on this and big time.
we are two disabled ladies with a difference.
I even drive a singularly different van with pink and purple flowers on, not to cause trouble and a stir, but think it has, but because i liked this idea and fancied this idea and needed this idea to fulfil the fantastical within me.
brought a lot of smiles and leaping out at red traffic lights, did my flowers.
So where are we on the title?
Organising the last Phase?
Priority listing:
(top ten like)!
ONe must find a home...kinda important in the 'last phase,' and NO, it will not be a sheltered home.
secondly it is to arrange that i will be treated at human, lately come, as is the house!
this is, in the hospitals for now i really am physically dysfunctional so i kinda wanted that cared for.
my plan is NOT to go into the 'Near Death Experience' but many times i have been pushed to the laundry cupboard in the virtual wards of a lot of hospitals now.
I do not mate want the virtual wards.
next on the organisational front, is to corral the medics in one room and walls, for my sake not theirs.
i presently have a consultant in every hospital this side of dublin and one the other, the north side, considered on the south side as being far far away and just too far away and unthinkable!
so the next stage to get the above is sit down with the directors and matrons (whats left of that breed) and discuss the plans as in, treat this body and stop abusing her psyche, as done in the past.
it is also late in the day to be pursuading the medics that this woman here is not a basket case, but she isnt and my twin will attempt to prove it to them, in an effort to keep me alive.

see, i am a companion to the chihuahuas and my twin, much to everyone chagrin that i have not gone away, i am needed still ( I think) i will also ask my tiwn that, so that it is a proven fact.

Next please, i shall organise the WILL, yep.  One must prepare and organise.
My will will be the proven fact that I am alive and that i took note on Life Less LIved and for those who helped me along the way, there might be just reward and fruits.  But be of no illusion, for those that bottomed out on this one, there will be no pennies in the pot, period (again).
one such organised plot is to make sure i have one person who will keep me in the land of the lucid,the land of the intelligent and the land of what is actually the land of normal persons, (I am one of them, believe it or not)!
i have made a significant 'other' a 'power of authorny. This is significant.
the tenant of this Blog is to be a WARNING.  one must PrEPARE, and you know why cos there are a lot out there who want to stomp, in fact most now do a lot of stomping on others, and the others are that lot that is perceived trouble. the perceived troubled and trouble have the least ability to keep my country afloat so many want me and similar at the bottom of the ocean, and thus is the same in every state and country now on the planet.
so once the organisation is on steam one individual should be able to sniff the roses and listen to the birds.
and when my mortal coil is shook or shaken then the rest of the populace can, do pretty much as they please, for thats what they did when alive and thats what they will do when i am dead.
the moral of this blog being ORGANISE your LAST PHASE of LIfe like tripping to the MOON!