Friday, February 18, 2011

Everything is blessed

Yes i do believe this, but nil point for humanity.

today i wrestled with my demons of depression and the lack of services and the lack of ability to move and get on with my life.
I do  not want this awful vaccum, this inability to move left, right, back forward or anywhich way.
the isolation from anyone with the ability to help make a difference at the end of my life.
I was so unwell, i had it up to the hair roots,
what can one do when its everyday, day after day.
when can i resume my life please, instead of lying on my bed or lying on my sofa, tripping over things, dropping this, things falling from narrow shelves, things being broken.
a months supply of ceoliac bread that is five large large brown boxes, where the hell do you put them?
everything stuffed and piled into a tiny space with no let up or light at the end of the avenue, that is the 'exit sign'
tell me please why no one really cares enough to give me their second rolo?  not even the last, just the one next to the first.
bed held up with suitcases and all i can ring is a charity suggested by the OT from the hSE, they dont have maintenance men with hammer and nails!
it took the last decade of my life to absolutely feel the obscenity of humanity, the fickle weaknesses in the system.
everyone says 'sorry for your troubles' and 'its awful really dire dyou are in this situation' where the hell is action.
every day on the phone to someone or other to get help, and all it produces is nothing or the words as stated above.
why is this happening to me.
who can give me the hope i want, the excitement in my bones that i will be loved and cherished that my end days will not be agonisingly a bloody struggle.
i really really felt when my dear twin came home on the boat after 40yrs i could have a friend for life, a person to do things with at last, gel with a lovely woman and we could enjoy the last years.
what have i got?
two sick persons wanting the same thing, to be at peace, safe, secure and loved.
when two are mashed into a tiny space like caged animals all everything goes out the window, everything in your mind reverts to chaos in reality and in the brain.
nothing then becomes stable or secure.
the nuts and bolts are not only out of my bedframe but coming loose in the head.
would someone bring me a red rose tonight?

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